


500 Baskets

by emeraldcitydowntowngirl



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blurryface, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Questioning Religion, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, and the other half of it is sad tyler, half of it is josh bein smiley and fun, in some parts, lots of man tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 108,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5836147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emeraldcitydowntowngirl/pseuds/emeraldcitydowntowngirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The rule was simple: Make 500 baskets, or you don’t get dinner.<br/>-<br/>Contrary to popular belief, basketball player Tyler Joseph doesn’t have it as good as everyone* thinks he does</p><p>*Josh Dun, the quote unquote new kid with blue hair and crazy friends</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smallghostkid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallghostkid/gifts).



> OK SO-
> 
> i dont know if that whole "500 baskets" story is true because its like SUPER HARD to tell if tyler's bein serious or not when he's doing interviews. i watched the video and read the article and it seemed pretty legit, though?? i dont know
> 
> but anyways, i dont think people should really /joke/ about it because??? if its true thats abuse and abuse? isnt? funny? but then again, im writing a story about it :/ so IDK

The rule was simple: Make 500 baskets, or you don’t get dinner.

And that was the way it had always been, and that was what Tyler was accustomed to, ever since he was a freshmen in high school.

His parents didn’t have a lot of money, since Tyler had 3 younger siblings- the only way Tyler could get a scholarship to attend college was basketball, through sports, and it was decided: Tyler was going to be a basketball star. No one asked him what he wanted to do, it was basketball always, ever since he was a kid.

Maybe everyone knew that Tyler was going to be skinny and lanky and decided that basketball was a better alternative than football or any other sport, who knows. All Tyler has known since he was little has been basketball.

“It’s for your own good” His mother would say, as she set up 5 dinner plates instead of 6- She would motion towards the back door, where the basketball hoop was, and if Tyler didn’t go, he was sent to bed. And it seemed fair, you know? His parents were hard-working people, and Tyler was ungrateful if he was just going to sit at home and do nothing, after basketball practice at school, and just _not_ practice for his future profession- Didn’t he _want_ this? Wasn’t this what he was _born to do_? Was he supposed to just expect food if he didn’t do what his parents expected of him?

And so, it would continue- Tyler would make his 500 baskets, counting off loud enough for his parents to hear from inside (or sometimes, his father would come outside and watch him and critique him) and he would come inside and he would eat, and then repeat- Wake up, go to school, go to basketball practice, do some homework, make 500 baskets, do more homework, sleep, repeat.

And Tyler never really thought much of it, honestly. It was a schedule, and the very few times he didn’t make the 500 baskets, or he messed them up a lot, he cried himself to sleep and prayed to God and asked for his parents to forgive him for being such a disappointment, and he prayed to be a better brother and a better son and be a better example to others.

Tonight was one of those nights.

Tyler shared a room with his little brother Zach, so he couldn’t sob in front of him, that wasn’t “manly”, and he felt so bad, so guilty for crying about this, because he _shouldn’t_ be crying about it, he did it to himself. But he was showering, scrubbing his body raw, the sound of the water hitting the shower floor masking his gasping sobs. The water was burning hot, scorching his skin, but it masked how hungry he was, so it didn’t matter.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry” He cried, eventually falling down to the shower floor, letting the water rain down on him until his mom knocked on the bathroom door, yelling for him to hurry up.

At the sound of her voice, Tyler quickly turned the water off, stepping out of the shower. His vision was blurry because of the tears, and when he looked in the mirror, he was greeted with reddened eyes. And although they were his eyes, they were only red because he had been crying for so long, “like a girl”, they looked scary and foreign to Tyler. “ _You’re such a failure. You didn’t deserve that dinner_ ” His reflection in the mirror, blurry with red eyes, said to him, and well. Tyler couldn’t disagree.

He turned his back to the mirror, wanting to ignore that blurred face, and he changed facing the wall, moving quickly so his mother wouldn’t yell at him again, and he rushed out, throwing his dirty clothes into the hamper, rushing to his room so that he could avoid his parents- he didn’t want to look at the disappointment in their eyes when they looked at him.

His brother was on his phone when Tyler rushed back into his bedroom- he had his headphones on and hardly noticed Tyler was even back, which worked in Tyler’s benefit because he couldn’t stifle some of the soft, pained noises he made as he tried to calm down. The voice from the mirror, deep but static-like in his mind, kept repeating horrible, horrible things, and Tyler was much too tired to even look at his homework, nevertheless complete it, so he just climbed into his bed,  turning off the lamp by his bed. He wasn’t sure how long it was, maybe it could have been hours, but steady and hot tears were the only things that lulled him to sleep, the ache in stomach gnawing at him.

* * *

“Guys, I’m gay. I’m so fucking gay. Like, I know that you guys know this, but… I just had to remind everyone. About how gay I am. Like on a scale of 0 to 100, I’m like… 101” Pete declares, as his boyfriend Patrick and his friends Hayley and “new kid” Josh blink at him. They’re standing at Josh’s locker, their last stop before they go to their 1st period class.

“Yeah, Pete, you already told us this in the group chat after Josh woke everyone up at 4:20 just to remind us that it was 4:20” Hayley rolls her eyes, as Josh laughs “I’m sorry! It’s my _thing_ ” “You don’t even smoke weed, Josh?!”

“I keep telling you guys, we should definitely get some and listen to Pink Floyd. Anyways, who has the math homework?” Pete asks, turning to Patrick. And usually Patrick does the homework because he’s Patrick and that’s what Patrick does, but Patrick shakes his head “I was marathoning MJ music videos, sorry” But Josh reaches into his bag and hands Pete a crumpled piece of paper “I got you. Just try to make it look like Pete work?”

Pete narrows his eyes at Josh, flipping him off “Insulting!” But when Pete glances over the work, he sighs dejectedly “Can you explain this to me?” Hayley grabs the paper from his hands, and runs her fingers through her fire-engine hair “Here, let me do it. You just gotta do the quadratic equation, remember the song? X equals negative B plus or minus the square root of…” She sings the quadratic equation song to Pete, and Pete only blinks at her “What the _fuck_ just happened?”

“Dude, let me explain it, in ‘Pete’ words” Josh takes the paper from Hayley’s hands, and Pete grins “Thanks! You’re the love of my gay life” 

Going back to the “new kid” thing- Josh isn’t exactly as “new” as “new” usually is. Josh actually used to live in this town before. He even attended church with _the_ Tyler Joseph, the captain of the basketball team. But, his dad found a new, more promising job, and so his family moved. And now, almost 9 years later, at age 17, he moved back to the same, old town where he (sort of) grew up. And nothing had really changed, in Josh’s opinion- the church was still old, the people (besides his group of friends) were still ignorant, and for some reason, sports were still really important. Which didn’t really make sense to Josh, but he went along with it anyways.

He had blue hair, and piercings, and generally shocked everyone in his town, which was, you guessed it, weird, because where he moved from, dyed hair wasn’t weird, and piercings on guys was considered cool, not some sort of taboo. But again, the key was to surround yourself with good people, and that’s what Josh did- sure, he’d get bullied occasionally, but it just didn’t really faze him all that much.

“Josh may be the love of your gay life, but you aren’t the love of his gay life” Patrick rolls his eyes, before saying in a sing-songy voice “Because Tyler Joseph is the love of his gay life” Hayley and Pete laugh loud, “Get rekt, my guy!” “Shut up, Patrick! I don’t love him” Josh crosses his arms, as Patrick shrugs “Whatever you say, lover boy”

And okay, maybe Tyler Joseph interests Josh, but Josh is in no way in love with him. It was just… kind of fucked up. Tyler Joseph was loved by practically everyone, his parents were active in the church (the church that Josh didn’t even attend anymore), no one ever bullied him, he was the captain of the basketball team, people liked him, and Tyler kind of had it all. He was like… like the Troy Bolton of the school, you know? And it wasn’t like him and Tyler were friends when they were younger, but everyone at the church had generally liked Tyler more, because Tyler memorized psalms and could play the piano, and Josh was always just a little envious of that. But nevertheless, Josh didn’t even think much of Tyler, unless he was sulking about having a dumb life, because it just wasn’t fair.

And anyways- Tyler was the straightest guy in the world. And Josh, maybe with the exception of Pete Wentz, was the gayest guy in the world.

* * *

“Ty, are you okay?” Jenna’s eyes widened as Tyler scarfed down the slice of pizza that Jenna offered to him, along with his own. And this wasn’t even _good_ pizza, this was _cafeteria_ pizza.

“Yeah. I was just really hungry” Tyler shrugs, before chugging down some milk (and milk and pizza was the worst combination, ever). Jenna gives him another glance, before shrugging herself, picking at her salad.

And that was the truth- Tyler was extremely hungry. In the morning, he could hardly look his parents in the eye, nevertheless ask for another serving of breakfast. His mother dropped some toast and eggs in his plate, and he said grace for his family, and they ate, acting as if nothing happened last night, and that was that. He got dressed, put a rubber band over his wrist so that he could snap at his skin if he almost fell asleep during class due to exhaustion, and walked to school, blaring ‘Levi The Poet’ so that the voice in his head, ‘Blurryface’, wouldn’t torture him and tell him to walk onto the traffic

He couldn’t die- he’d go to hell if he committed suicide, anyways.

He was sitting at lunch with his best friend Jenna, and the rest of the basketball team. Not that they really paid Tyler much attention, because they all knew that Tyler was kind of quiet, and plus Tyler didn’t want to talk about “destroying the pussy game” and well. What’s the point of talking to someone if they don’t want to talk about destroying the pussy game? Anyways, Tyler was sitting with Jenna, doing the homework he didn’t do, as Jenna (who was a cheerleader and the head choir girl at the church) talked about her favorite show, Supernatural, and ranted about her other cheerleader friends.

And no, he and Jenna were _not_ dating. It was kind of weird, because Tyler had never seen Jenna as anything but his best friend- sure, she was beautiful, with blonde hair and blue eyes, and she was smart and a fucking _cheerleader_ and she was an active member of the church but… Tyler just saw her as a friend. His parents would often ask him if he had “made a move” yet, and his basketball friends would bug him and ask if he ‘destroyed that pussy’, and even the church members would ask if the two of them were dating yet, but Jenna would just blush and shake her head, and Tyler would grit his teeth, and say “No” as politely as he could.

Relationships in general make Tyler feel weird inside, though. Tyler never really has had a crush on a girl before, because girls, at least right now, don’t necessary spike his interest. But that doesn’t mean that Tyler’s _gay_ because… well, being gay is a sin and Tyler goes to church every week and just… _no._ Tyler didn’t hate gay people, probably, he just… didn’t want to see gay people in public, because that was just wrong. He guesses- that’s what his parents say, and he listens to his parents, like he’s supposed to. Tyler’s 100% straight. On a scale of 0 to 100, he’s like… 101.

"Do you think you guys are gonna win that championship thing?" Jenna asks, as Tyler gives her another shrug. The  _championship._ Their basketball team might actually win the state championship, if they win the next couple of games. And Tyler  _should_ be excited about that, but he's so tired, he couldn't really care about that right now. He just wants to sleep, if he's being honest. 

"Maybe, who knows. The other teams are really good, though" He sulks, before singing the quadratic song in his head, scribbling down the formula. "The other teams don't have Tyler Joseph" Jenna adds, as Tyler scoffs "I'm not that good, Jenna. But thanks" He gives her a grimace disguised as a smile, and she kicks his leg with her foot "Tyler, stop that! You're plenty good. I'll pray for you" She says, unironically, and 'Blurryface', at the back of his mind, screams " _Not even Jesus could help you, you fucking freak_ "

Tyler snaps his wrist with the rubber band, and the voice goes away in an instant. 

"Thanks, Jenna. I appreciate that"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just as like a "disclaimer" i guess, abuse really isn't something that should be taken lightly, so if there's something wrong with my writing, please let me know!

The relief Tyler feels when he makes that last basket, yelling breathlessly “500!” is the best feeling in the _world._ Especially on days like this, after a day when he couldn’t make it to that number, when his mom and dad finally look at him like they love him again, that all is forgiven. His dad was watching him play today, making sure that was doing as he was told, shooting from the 3-point line, and when Tyler turned around after the big 5-0-0, the look of pride in his father’s face, the look that justified that Tyler wasn’t the failure that ‘Blurryface’ told him that he was.

“Guess someone was hungry today” His father joked, punching Tyler’s arm ‘playfully’ as they both walked in through the back door. Tyler just laughed along, the sight of 6 plates too good for him to even register his father’s backhanded comment.

“Glad you decided to join us tonight, Tyler” Tyler’s mom, Kelly, said warmly. But as ‘good’ as her intent was, Tyler didn’t make the decision _not_ to join his family for dinner the night before, that opportunity was ripped away from him because he was exhausted from basketball practice, and he had stayed up the night before doing homework that he couldn’t complete _because he was shooting basketballs for 2 hours so that he could eat._ It was a vicious, cruel cycle disguised as an attempt at perfecting their son… and actually, the idea of “perfecting” your child was fucked up too.

“I’m sorry” Tyler said quietly, sitting at his seat at the table, across from his little sister Madison. He gave her a tiny smile, but Madison looked back at him oddly “Why wasn’t Tyler here last night, Mom?” Tyler snapped the rubber band on his wrist without a second thought as his mother answered, her voice tight “Well, he was in trouble yesterday, so he got punished for disappointing us”

“ _Well, shit. If she takes away your food because you fucked up, you shouldn’t be fed at all, huh? Maybe you should just throw it all up_ ” 'Blurryface' said in Tyler’s head, before laughing “ _Or better yet, just-_ “ His voice was interrupted by the snap of the rubber band, but Tyler’s chest felt tight. His hands ached, and he felt light-headed, but there was no way he was going to pass up on his dinner. So he fought the urge to cry as his little brother said grace, and he stayed quiet during dinner, afraid that he would puke his dinner, afraid that Blurryface would get his way.

Tyler didn’t want to trust 'Blurryface', didn’t want to trust that distorted, red-eyed version of himself. Who would? But he couldn’t help it, 'Blurryface' was a replica of himself, it was his reflection.

‘ _God_ ’, Tyler thought, ‘ _I’m so messed up_ ’

 “So, Tyler. How is Jenna?” Chris asked, as Tyler was torn away from the dark parts of his thoughts. His father was waiting for his response, and Tyler made sure the food that he chewed was down his throat before he replied “She’s good, sir”

From his spot, Zack snickered “Tyler and Jenna, sitting in a tree-“ “Zack!” Zack quickly shut up, not wanting his dinner taken away from him either.

“Are you going her out to the junior dance? I know that’s coming up soon, the PTA moms were talking about it” Fuck the PTA moms, perhaps. But Tyler just shook his head “I think one of the other guys on the team is going to ask her, Mom. Plus, we’re only friends, and that’d make things awkward” He said, as Chris slammed his silverware down

“Someone else is going to ask her? Jenna is _yours,_ now is your time to ask her out. It’s taken you long enough” He scoffs, as Kelly nods “You two have been playing that silly game of ‘only friends’ for years, it’s time to grow up, Tyler. You’re almost a senior in high school. The people at Church are getting worried”

That was, clearly, the worst thing to say, because Chris's gaze was ice cold, glaring at Tyler, as if Tyler had done something horribly, horribly wrong. His breath caught in his throat as his father said "The people at the Church? Worried about what?"

"That he's... you know, straying off the path of Jesus, is all" "Quit bullshitting, what did you mean by 'the people at church were getting worried"

The Joseph table is usually quiet at dinner time, which was unusual, considering Kelly and Chris's children were teenagers (and Jay was only 7), but that's just the way things went. They ate quietly, talking mostly about church if they talked at all, or the children answered their parents questions about school, and such. But, when Chris said 'bullshit', a word among a series of words that weren't allowed in the household, it was dead quiet- no one moved, especially not Tyler

" _The people at Church probably think you're a fucking psychopath. Probably think you're a monster, you... you fag_ " 'Blurryface' spit at him, before laughing, right as his mother said, tentatively "Well... some of the newer members, ones who don't know Tyler as well, think that he might be... a homosexual" She whispers the word 'homosexual' like it's some kind of a curse- which, in her world, it was.

Between the fucking voice in his head and his mother and his father who looked like he was _literally_ about to explode, Tyler felt dizzy and sick and he never really felt like ripping his skin up until this very moment.

He looks down at his skin, and just wants to tear it all away, bleed out all of the disappointment and get rid of the 'gay' because he's not gay. He loves God, he loves women, probably, and he's not gay.

"I'm not!" Tyler squeaks, as his father glared at him, and said in that voice that Tyler hates, the same voice he uses when he reminds Tyler that he can't eat because he didn't shoot his baskets even though they all know that Tyler is aware of that "Being gay is a sin, and I didn't raise a fucking cocksucker in my house. So you better ask that Jenna girl out, or there will be punishments worse than no dinner, you hear?"

Tyler heard.

* * *

 

“-And he randomly shouted ‘Cocksucker’ at me, and I was like ‘Yeah, but not yours!’” Pete says, doubling over in laughter at his desk as Patrick brought his palm up to his face “Pete, you really said that?” But he can’t help but crack a smile when Pete gasps for air because he’s giggling so hard “Yeah! His face, oh my god, I don’t even _mind_ getting fun of if I get to see his face again!”

This, and other petty shit, is what Josh and his friends are more than accustomed to. It’s not exactly like how it is in the books, or movies, when people get beaten up, because this is real life, and no basketball player is really willing to fuck up their hands punching the gay kids. Instead, they get this- random slurs thrown at them in the hallways, the occasional shove in the hallway, and the worst- talking about them in front of their faces. It’s the worst for Hayley, because all of the jocks seem to like to taunt her the most, being that she’s “a girl” and that “she should be a good bitch” for them and blah blah blah. And although Josh, Pete, and Patrick all pretty scrawny, they sort of draw the line at Hayley. Not that Hayley can’t fend for herself though, because one time, she kicked a guy in the balls when he wouldn’t stop saying things about her ass.

Anyways, these are the little things that made Josh wish he were… Tyler Joseph, for example. He can bet a thousand bucks that Tyler Joseph doesn’t get called a “cocksucker” or doesn’t get shoved into lockers “by accident” or that he doesn’t generally feel oppressed by the entire student body (even the _freshmen_ give Josh weird looks). Like, it’s a little sad that Pete and Patrick are so used to the bullying that they can joke about it, and laugh about it, just because that’s what they’ve known ever since they were little.

“It’s so dumb when they say like that to you guys. Like… yeah, calling you a ‘cocksucker’ really doesn’t make a difference. It’s not like you’re offended to be gay, because that’s who you are” Hayley frowns, as Patrick shrugs “Yeah, but ‘cocksucker’ has a horrible connotation. Anyways, I thought they were over calling us that? I’m getting kind of _bored,_ you know? I wish they could up with something more original” Pete nods “Yeah, ‘fag’ is so two years ago”

Just as Pete finishes his sentence, Tyler and Jenna walk into the classroom together, taking their seats at the front of the classroom. Patrick snickers, and Josh turns around in his seat to glare at him “Patrick, if you dare-“ “It’s your boyfriend” He sing-songs, and Josh huffs, turning back around in his seat.

“He’s so… straight” Hayley notes, as Pete nods “I bet $10 that he and Jenna are secretly dating. Secret church couple. That’s hot, yo. Wonder if they fuck during the church service” Hayley and Patrick both roll their eyes at the same time at that “Pete, shut up”

And no, it’s not because Josh _likes_ Tyler that he’s studying him- Tyler just… has this _thing_ about him. Josh doesn’t know what it is, but Tyler just looks so much more complex than he appears. Not that Josh would ever pursue a friendship with him, because Tyler is the most popular kid in the school (despite the fact that he only really talks to Jenna) and he’s an athlete. He probably likes _football._ But there’s something about Tyler that Josh can’t shake.

Maybe it’s because they were friends when they were younger, maybe it’s because Josh’s single and 17, and he’s just into Tyler (because Tyler’s got a cute laugh, when Josh hears it, and he’s got a fairly attractive face) but there’s got to be something about Tyler. People don’t get the entire world without paying some sort of a price… do they?

* * *

 

"I have a problem"

Tyler and Jenna are sitting together on a bench outside of the school, after practice. Both of them are sweating a little, but they've known each other so long and been friends with each other so long, that it doesn't matter.

"You have a problem?" Jenna asks, as Tyler nods, averting his eyes from her glance- she's got these beautiful blue eyes that Tyler should be in love with, but instead they're just. Nice looking eyes to him, nothing more and nothing less.

"You're the... um, only person I can tell this to, because you know how much I trust you and-" "I mean you can also talk to God about it, but yeah, I know what you mean. Sorry, go on" Tyler winces just a little- if he's going to confide in her, he really doesn't need the reminder that Jesus probably fucking hates his guts.

"I... My parents think something about me. Something that isn't true, but-" Jenna bites her lip, nodding "Are we thinking about the same thing? I overheard some of the old ladies talking in church" She has this look in her eyes that Tyler sees once he musters the courage to look in them, like she's worried that her best friend might be what the rumors say he is

"Yeah, I guess, but it doesn't matter because it's not true. At all. I'm... uh, super straight" Tyler says, as Jenna blinks at him "You're super straight...? "Yeah! Just... yeah. But my parents kind of got really upset about them, because they don't want me to be gay. And I don't want me to be gay either because that's not who I am" Tyler's parents were more than upset about it. So much that Tyler went upstairs after dinner, and listened to 'Blurryface' and puked his entire dinner- he didn't even have to try, it all came out like 'Blurryface' had strings and he could play Tyler and do whatever he wanted with his body.

"Okay... then how is there a problem?" She's nervously tapping her exposed thigh, and Tyler coughs "Well, they were saying that... okay, I think they want me to prove that I'm straight, which I am, and they said that... well... they said that I had to ask you out and-" Tyler stops talking when he sees Jenna's reaction- the way her eyes narrow at him, the way that she moves away from him.

"Tyler, what are you asking me to do? Is this your way of asking me out, because I'm not really-" "No! I'm not, I'm-" He takes a deep breath, ignoring the dull laughing from 'Blurryface' in the back of his mind "You don't have to say yes, I'm just... fuck, can you go to the junior dance with me and pretend to be my date, just give me enough time to try to get a crush on someone else, my parents are actually going to kill me if I don't prove to them that I'm not what they say I am and-" He takes a deep breath "-and I'll take you out, I'll buy you dinner, whatever you want, just _please_ "

This wasn't the way Jenna wanted to be asked to the dance, especially not by someone who she had been kind of crushing on since she was 10, but she sort of understood where Tyler was coming from. Because Tyler's parents were really, really strict, and something like this didn't seem so out of the ordinary for them. They weren't... they weren't bad people, to Jenna, they were just… really strict on Tyler. And strict parents aren’t bad parents, because Tyler’s practically perfect, to Jenna, but she can somewhat see where Tyler is coming from.

“…Okay. I’ll go with you-“ She begins to say, as Tyler breaks out into  a huge grin, and hugs her tight. “Jen, I owe you my entire life! Thank you!”

She tries to ignore that unsettling feeling in her stomach, telling her that something is wrong, and she just hugs him back.

* * *

 

If there are three things Patrick loves the most in the world, besides his friends and family, they would be Pete, black licorice, and GarageBand- a phrase most frequently said by Patrick besides “Shut up, Pete” would be “I’d die for GarageBand”

So, when his music theory teacher announces to the class that they’re going to use GarageBand for their huge, final project, Patrick practically jumps out of his seat in glee.

“PETE!” He screeches, just a little loud, and the two bump fists- Pete and Patrick are sort of magic together when they collaborate and create music. Hayley and Josh glance at each other and give each other a thumbs up, before their teacher clears his throat “Actually, we’re going to do things a little differently. I’m going to be choosing your partners for this project”

From the back of the room, Tyler runs a hand through his hair, looking over to Jenna, who gave him a disheartened look. But this is about the worst thing in the world for Tyler, because Jenna is about the only normal person _in_ this class (including  himself) not to mention that there’s a project- that means that he’s going to have more work to do on top of SAT work, and the fucking 500 baskets, and-

“Okay, let’s… Patrick, let’s put you with Jenna” Jenna inhaled sharply next to Tyler, and Tyler watched as Pete and Patrick exchanged shocked looks, before Patrick turned around to look at Jenna and gave her a small wave.

 _Pete and Patrick._ Tyler knew about their relationship, the entire school knew about their relationship because they made no effort to hide it all, and it made Tyler feel… weird. He felt wrong for looking at them whenever they hugged or whenever they acted lovingly in public, but he felt worse for not looking away. It was fascinating ( _wrong_ but fascinating, to Tyler’s horror), how they were with each other. They were always giggling and laughing, not to mention that they always made beautiful music, and it made Tyler’s heart ache a little, because it was so wrong, and yet… Tyler didn’t want it to be wrong. Tyler didn’t think that people like Pete and Patrick deserved to go to hell because they loved each other, but that’s where gay people go, and Tyler wasn’t going to argue with that. Plus… he didn’t want to go to hell (“ _That’s where you belong_!”) either, and as a matter fact, he shouldn’t even be thinking about Pete and Patrick, nevertheless feel bad for them. They chose to be that way, didn’t they?

“I have to work with… _Patrick Stump_ ” Jenna pressed her hand to her temple, rubbing in circles.

“Guess I’m working with lover boy’s girlfriend” Patrick shrugs, because hey, just because she’s aggressively straight and worships Jesus and probably hates him just because he’s gay doesn’t mean she’s a horrible person, hopefully. Josh just groans, shaking his head “I’ll fight you, Stump. After school at 4:20. Blaze it” Hayley opens her mouth to say something, but she decides against it, just opting for playfully rolling her eyes “I’ll bring the popcorn” 

And it’s funny, the way that God works. Like yeah, maybe this has been the worst week in Tyler’s entire life, maybe ‘Blurryface’ has never been worse, maybe Tyler’s driving himself crazy with stress between “Rumors, championship, grades, parents, God, repeat”. But Tyler now realizes that God like to just… push people to their breaking point. There’s no other explanation for:

“Josh, I’m gonna put you with Tyler. I think you guys would work well, artistically… yeah, let’s go with that”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also really sorry if it's moving really fast- i just have a lot of ideas and im kind of just throwing everything in cause idk what im doing but... yeah!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is super short, since it's like a filler chapter, i guess? i've had a lot of HW but like i do this really bad thing when im stressed and i just write instead of doing the HW because it's a stress reliever but it's jsut a :) bad cycle. so it might not get updated weekly, maybe like... weekly + 3 days. (shrugs)

“At least… at least I don’t still read Glee fanfiction!” Pete yells at Hayley, and Hayley gasps with mock horror and flips him off “Fuck you, Wentz! Some of them are still really good, okay?!”

Josh, Hayley, Pete, and Patrick are sitting in a McDonalds, 2 boxes of 20 piece chicken nuggets and loads of sweet and sour containers between them. It’s sort of a tradition, going to McDonalds on a bad day

“Stop fighting!” Patrick scowls at Pete, before taking a sip of Pete’s drink “You guys are the ones who get to work together”

“We’re kidding around! You’re just jealous that you don’t get to work with the hottest person in the world” Pete says, wiggling his eyebrows at Patrick in a mock attempt to be sexy. Patrick just rolls his eyes. 

“You’re talking about Hayley, I’m assuming?” Hayley laughs loud as Pete pouts “Jealously is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on, Patrick. Don’t be mad you gotta work with Josh’s boyfriend’s girlfriend” Josh looks up from his chicken nuggets at this, and narrows his eyes at Pete.

“First of all, asshole, you just quoted Shakespeare. Secondly, he’s not my boyfriend?! I hate all of you?!” Pete snickers, before he bats his eyelashes at Josh “How can you hate us when we’re all so lovable?”

While Pete and Hayley were practically glowing with happiness, since their music theory teacher ended up getting lazy and letting Pete and Hayley work together, Josh and Patrick were feeling the complete opposite. And maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if Josh didn’t turn around to look at Tyler, and Tyler looked at him like his entire world was crashing down, like he would rather jump out of a building, or something, than look at Josh again.

Like, at least Jenna mustered up a smile when she exchanged numbers with Patrick- Tyler just scribbled his number on a piece of paper and practically threw it at Josh and walked away.

“And, I know we’ve been over this but holy fuck, when he threw that paper at you and it landed straight in your backpack?! Amazing! That’s basketball captain for you” Pete says through giggles- not that anyone else would know, but that’s not so much “basketball practice” for you as it is “500 baskets” for you.

“Guys, leave him alone” Hayley tries to stifle her laugh, putting a serious expression on her face once she notices Josh’s downcast eyes- because it was kind of sad, you know? Yeah, he and Tyler weren’t best friends when they were younger, but they were friends, Tyler even tried to teach Josh the piano one time! Tyler was like that friend that you used to be friends with,  but then you guys lost touch, and now you are left wondering what could have happened if you didn’t lose touch.

Except Tyler acted like he didn’t even know who Josh was, and he was the captain of the basketball team, and he was so fucking straight, and it made Josh want to puke chicken nuggets everywhere.

“I’m fine! It just… sucks dick that out of all of the people in the entire classroom, he pairs me with Tyler. I would take Ryan Ross over Tyler, and Ryan Ross is the most pretentious asshole in the world, like other people listen to The Beatles too, it’s not even that obscure of a band, like at all, and-“ “Dude, we get it. But, maybe this is going to be a good thing, you know? You guys can maybe rekindle your lost ‘sort-of’ friendship, maybe he’ll turn out to be like…a liberal Catholic”

Hayley scrunches up her nose- she highly doubts that, and so does Josh. He hasn’t been to that church in 9 years yet he still remembers how rigorous and religious the people were there.

“Cheer up, Josh! At least you aren’t working with that useless piece of shit Shane Morris” Patrick points out, which is true- Shane Morris is their worst bully, and overall, a huge asshole. So it makes Josh feel a little better, but he still sulks about it, just because he can

* * *

 

Tyler doesn’t have healthy coping mechanisms.

That’s pretty evident from his rubber band bracelet and accompanying red wrist, or his random bouts of just vomiting his food. But if there was one ‘good’ thing that Tyler did to cope with the abuse (that he didn’t even realize was abuse- he just thought he was just a messed up kid who deserved it) was write poetry.

Of course it wasn’t like, _poetry_ poetry, because poetry was for “pussies” and Tyler wasn’t a pussy. But sometimes he would scribble his thoughts onto a piece of paper when he was in class and ‘Blurryface’ would scream and poke around in his brain and he couldn’t just start crying and screaming. It was weird- he didn’t think he was that creative of a person, but if one were to take a close look into his binders, they’d find pages upon pages of just poetry, crammed in on paper margins and on the back of homework assignments.

He didn’t really tell anyone about it, because it wasn’t that big of a deal, you know? He didn’t know he had written probably 20 or so poems at this point just because they were scattered everywhere, and it wasn’t like he was showing it to anyone, especially not Jenna. They were responses to what ‘Blurryface’ said, they were lines about God, and questioning Him because, why would He put ‘Blurryface’ in Tyler’s mind? Why couldn’t He take him out? They were about waking up in the morning and about wanting to die, and they were deeply personal without ever intending to be… they were just lines on paper that Tyler hardly ever looked back on.

Tyler was heavily influenced by poetry, as his favorite artist was “Levi The Poet”- some of the poems were _too_ emotional, _too_ strong, _too_ loud, and they hurt and they made Tyler want to scream back at him, but no artist had ever really made Tyler _feel_ , like how Levi did. But Tyler didn’t think about that, or really pursing poetry or making music from it, until the morning after he was assigned to work with Josh Dun.

The first thing that Tyler noticed when he stepped into the car (his father was home that day, and decided to give Tyler a ride to school, ‘out of the goodness of his heart’, as if his heart had any goodness in it to begin with) that morning was the radio silence. Quite literally radio silence, because there was no Gospel music playing through the shitty speakers of the broken down car, and no news reporter was speaking about the weather. It was just. Silent.

“Did it break?” Tyler asked, reaching over to grab the seatbelt. “ _Don’t do that, Tyler! What if there was an accident and you, God forbid, survived_?” ‘Blurryface’ hissed at him in his head, and Tyler just clipped the seatbelt in, wincing at the static in his mind.

“I think so, son” His dad grumbled, before sighing loudly. “Your mother’s a goddamn idiot. Never trust women to drive, huh?” Tyler just looked over to his father and gave him a hesitant nod. “Uh… yes, sir”

This was where things were going to go wrong, and Tyler could feel it deep in his stomach. He was hardly ever alone with his parents and expected things to go well, because Tyler always fucked up, always did something wrong, and his parents always found a way to ignore all of the achievements Tyler had accomplished, and just focused on what made him a bad student, a bad child.

“Did you ask out Jenna yet?” His dad asked, once he started driving. Tyler nodded, before clearing his throat. “Yes, I did. She said yes” (“ _Yeah, after you begged her to say yes_ ”)

His dad gave Tyler a somewhat reassuring nod, and said “That’s good. Did you tell your friends yet? Hopefully they tell their parents and let that _disgusting_ rumor die before Church on Sunday” Chris was under the impression that Tyler had many friends, but in actuality, it was honestly just Jenna. The rest of the people who knew him knew him either from his reputation on the basketball court, or the church.

“I’ll tell them today, sir” Tyler replied, on auto-pilot, as he stared at the window. The sidewalks were littered with students walking to school, yelling out curse words and blasting their music and laughing. And part of Tyler longed to be with them, to experience what they felt, but… they were all dirty sinners who were going to hell… so…

For the rest of the 15 minute ride, it was complete silence. And it’s true what they say, quiet is violent. Usually music helps Tyler get distracted from all of his issues, makes his mind busy so that it can’t be bothered with torturing him with ‘Blurryface’. But now, he’s left all alone- he can practically feel ‘Blurryface’ on his shoulder, telling him things through his ears all day.

“ _Are you gonna tell him that you’re going to have to work on your project after school and that you aren’t going to be able to complete your 500 baskets? Are you gonna let him down right before the championships? Are you gonna? Are you gonna? Are you_ -“ Tyler looks longingly at the rubber band on his wrist, but he doesn’t snap it.

“Uh… Dad?” Tyler can hardly get out, because of how tight his chest feels. But he gets his words out anyways, and his dad nods, waiting for him to carry on with what he was saying “I… I, um, I have this-“ “Tyler, can you speak properly, for the love of God?” “Sorry, sir. I have-“ Tyler gulps, and he digs his fingernails into his thighs “I have a really big project coming up, and I’m going to have to stay at school late for the next couple of weeks” He says, as they approach a stop sign. His dad looks over, and gives Tyler a stern look “Okay. But you still have to shoot those baskets, Tyler. There’s no way you’ll get a scholarship without it, you know that. You’ll just have to shoot them when you get home” He says, cold and icy, and Tyler just nods in response, turning away.

So… basketball practice from 3 to 6, then showering and walking back into the building and waiting for Josh to meet him at the music lab, 6:30, working on the project from 6:30 to… maybe 7:30, then walking home, 8, then shooting baskets till… probably 9 or 9:30, then eating, 10, then working on homework, that’s probably 4 hours with all of the studying, then going over SAT stuff for scholarships and showering, that's an hour... so he's going to bed at… 3:00 AM.

Tyler’s breath catches in his throat, and he forces himself to not start actually screaming. He’s going to get… 3 hours of sleep… and deal with all of that. To blink away tears, he starts looking out the windows, but  looking outside the windows only makes him sick now, so he’s stuck with just staring at his sneakers, the smell of his dad’s cheap cologne suddenly overwhelming, and he feels like the car, the broken down and dying car is going to collapse over him, so he does the only thing he can think to do- Take out his (seriously dated) phone and type out his frustrations into the notes section until his fingers ache and he feels like they’re going to start bleeding.

When he finally reaches the school, he just nonchalantly snaps at his wrist until his skin is a harsh color of red, and until Jenna finds him. He catches her staring at his wrist, confused, but neither of them say anything about it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH i'm so sorry for the long wait! this was the result of MAJOR writer's block + going on vacation + doing homework and studying for tests. but i hope that's it's somewhat decent???? maybe????

Jenna Black was a dream come true to practically everyone she met- she loved Jesus, she was beautiful, she was smart, she wasn’t intentionally mean (she was just… ignorant. She was always told that she should hate gay people by her parents, so she did, because she was a good daughter and a good child of God), and she generally tried to be the best friend a person could have. She was amazing at giving advice, and she was always there to lend a shoulder to cry on.

Which was why she was sitting across from Tyler in the cafeteria, unusually calm and quiet. Because she was a good friend, and she knew when her friends needed some guidance in their lives, and she knew that she had to ask Tyler about his weird behavior.

“What’s going on?” Tyler asked, eyeing her suspiciously. She wasn’t going off on tangents about how tired she was from cheerleading practice, nor was she ranting about the latest episode of “The Vampire Diaries”- in fact, she looked almost serious. And Jenna was hardly ever serious out of church. She closes her eyes, composing herself, before opening them back- Tyler was automatically greeted with the familiar deep blue eyes.

“You know that I really care about you, right? You’re practically the bestest… wait, that’s not a word, you’re practically the greatest friend I’ve ever had in my entire life. Which is why we have to talk” She says tentatively, nervously tapping her finger on her thigh. That’s her nervous tick, tapping her fingers on her thigh. She doesn’t want to scare Tyler off, because she knows far too well that Tyler doesn’t deal well with confrontational questions, or statements, or whatever.

“About what?” Tyler asked, visibly tensing up, watching Jenna’s eyes for any trace of hatred or disgust, despite the fact that she just told him that he was the greatest friend she’s ever had. He can’t help it, it’s the ‘Blurryface’ in him. “ _Oh, she definitely knows now_ ” ‘Blurryface’ sighs, in mock sympathy. Tyler wasn't sure  _what_ it was that Blurryface was referencing, exactly, but he wasn't going to think about it and encourage 'Blurryface' on. 

“I just… well, you know how we tell each other everything, right? I just wanted to know if there was something bothering you, you’ve just seemed really… _off_ this week” Jenna says, trying (and failing) to calm Tyler down. Because this does everything _but_ calm him down, it just makes him much more anxious.

“Off?” He squeaks out, praying that his parents didn’t notice. “A little… I mean, I don’t know, you just seemed really stressed out, what with the championships coming up, and SATs and…” She trailed off, the rest of her sentence hanging in the air “ _and the whole gay thing_ ”. But Tyler knew what she was talking about anyways, and he winced as he said “Well, yeah, I’m stressed about that stuff, but it’s nothing to worry about” He smiles the most reassuring smile he can muster up at her (which really isn't that reassuring at all), “I’m totally fine. Don’t worry about me”

But Jenna couldn’t help it, you know? There was that feeling deep in her gut, ever since he asked her out to the dance, that screams at her that something was wrong, and the fact that Tyler was just blatantly lying to her stung a little. She thought that Tyler trusted her, because they had been friends for so long, and she told Tyler all about her struggles, so why couldn’t she return the favor, and help him out?

Still… maybe it was a guy thing… and maybe Jenna should let it pass. She still had a lingering crush on him (and had had one for a _while_ ) and maybe her gut feeling was just an effect of her, in her own words, pathetic crush on him. Plus, she was a girl, and she had different emotions from him, didn’t she? Like, if she had to juggle SATs and working with _Josh Dun_ and helping out at the church, and dealing with _gay rumors_ on top of all of the basketball practice he had to do after school, at basketball practice, she didn’t know how she would be able to handle it. (Then there was that whole “500 baskets” thing that she knew nothing about, but she couldn’t think about things she didn’t think existed). But he was a guy, maybe he could deal with it a little better. She wasn’t entirely sure, but if there _was_ one thing that she knew for sure, it was that with the way that Tyler looked at her, with fearful eyes, whatever was going on his life, he didn't want Jenna knowing about it.

* * *

 

For a guy who claimed that everything was fine, and that nothing was out of the norm, Tyler sure wasn’t acting like it. Like today, after his ‘talk’ with Jenna (if that could even constitute as a talk- they just stuttered and pussyfooted around the subject of Tyler’s mental health before they both watched ‘The Office’ on Jenna's phone and ate sandwiches), he decided he would try to do something he never thought he would do in a million years.

Go to Patrick Stump for help

It was no secret that Patrick was the “God of GarageBand” (Tyler had overheard Pete call him that, a nickname that was so blasphemous Tyler didn't dare repeat it, even in his head) and from watching his presentation in their music theory class, Patrick knew way more about the computer program that Tyler was going to have to deal with for the next couple of weeks than Tyler did.

He wanted to learn how to properly use the program, so that he could somehow finish the program with Josh as quickly as possible, and get rid of the chances of wasting a week of precious practicing time to just figure out how the stupid program worked in the first place. The quicker they got the project done, the better it was. 

Tyler didn’t really think to ask Patrick beforehand, because he just figure he’d ask Patrick during his free period, when he knew Patrick would be holed up in there, working on his own music.  It was pretty admirable that Patrick was writing music, and good music at that, but he wasn’t about to, like, compliment him, you know?

So, Tyler walked into the Music Lab, setting his books down awkwardly on a free desk. It took him a moment of just standing there, waiting for Patrick to notice him, to realize that Patrick’s headphones were on too loud for him to have heard the door open and close- Patrick had a guitar lying on top of the piano, plugged into an amp, but he was mainly focused on the computer screen, editing things. He looked sort of busy, but Tyler was sort of desperate at this point, you know, fate of whether or not he starves for a week or not relying on this, so he just taped on Patrick’s shoulder.

“Shit!” Patrick curses, as his body jolts at the touch. He pulls his headphones out, and turns his head to glare at whoever interrupted him, but he was instead met with a very frazzled, very lost looking Tyler Joseph.

“You scared the shit out of me, oh my God” Patrick says, trying to laugh the awkwardness away, still a little shocked that Tyler is in front of him, out of all people. Tyler grimaces, but nods “Yeah, sorry… uh… well, if you’re busy I won’t bother you, but…” Tyler begins stuttering, and Patrick raises his eyebrows, glancing down to see Tyler fidgeting with his fingers. Wait till Josh hears about this, this is probably, like, Tyler’s first time talking to a gay person.

“It’s cool… bro. What’s up… dude?” Patrick asks, trying to sound as “straight” and “no homo” as he can, and Tyler gives him a shrug- he already can feel that this was a bad idea, but Patrick stopped working because of him, and he looks somewhat willing to help, so why not ask?

“Uh, well actually, I wanted to know if you could teach me how to use GarageBand… cause I didn’t really pay attention in class, and you’re really good at it… but that’s okay if you can’t” He says, practically rocking back on his heels. He’s hardly making eye-contact with Patrick, this is just so awkward, and he’s taking advice from a _sinner_

And Patrick notices it too- How Tyler is pretty much the most popular guy in the school, and how he’s easily on his way to becoming a basketball star, yet he can hardly even hold a conversation with the gay kid.

But it’s not even about that, not that Patrick would know. It’s deeper than that, it’s ‘Tyler needing this to happen or else he doesn’t get fed or get enough sleep, and that leads to more destructive tendencies and that leads to more delusional thoughts and more ‘Blurryface’- but Patrick wouldn’t know that, so he just assumes the worst, because that’s what he’s been doing all of his life.

“Are you sure you want _my_ help?” Patrick asks, crossing his arms, still a little skeptical. 

“ _Even the gay kid is rejecting you_!” ‘Blurryface’ snickers, and Tyler closes his eyes, willing that thought out of his head. He nods, opening back his eyes, and Patrick gives him another narrow-eyed look, before giving up, and shrugging.

“Alright… I was practically done with this song anyways. Do you have anything to work with…? Or do you just want to do something?” He notices Tyler’s confused expression, and he rephrases his sentence “Like, um… well, do you write any music? Or would you like me to show you how I usually do it?” 

“I don’t really write…” Tyler says, thinking back to the jumbled up words and phrases written down in his notes section. But Patrick just hums, and grabs a black notebook.

“That’s alright, here, sit down” He waits for Tyler to sit next to him, before continuing “I don’t really write either, not the lyrics anyways. That’s all Pete-“ Patrick pauses at his boyfriend’s name, looking over to Tyler’s face to see if he looked disgusted. Tyler just gives him a small nod, to keep talking, so Patrick continues.

“Um, that’s mostly Pete… he’s very artistic, and talented in that way, like in the way that no one really notices. Well actually, if you’ve ever had English class with Pete, you’d know, cause he likes showing off, but… yeah, I’m gonna stop babbling now” Patrick laughs awkwardly, running his fingers over the material of the notebook, before opening it up to a page covered in red hearts and ridged black handwriting.

“Anyways, I usually write music based around his lyrics, since they all have a different feeling to them, but it doesn’t matter how you write the music, as long as it sounds good to you, y’know? We’ve been toying around with this song for a while-“ He points to the title. ‘Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year’, and Tyler nods again. He can hardly understand the lyrics, they’re all over the notebook, and some crossed out, and some circled, but Patrick looks at it like’s the clearest thing in the world. Patrick runs his fingers over the ink and clears his throat after there is an awkward silence.

“So, I just… build a melody and chords around these lyrics” Patrick grabs the guitar that’s hooked up to the amp.

And Tyler watches with a careful eye, as Patrick closes and reopens the program, pointing to the correct buttons and what the colors mean. He finally points to the ‘record’ button, presses it, and starts strumming a couple of chords that sound like nothing to Tyler yet. But Patrick’s concentrated on it like there’s nothing else in the room but the guitar.

It’s fascinating for no reason at all- it’s like, Tyler was taught all of his life that gay people were bad people, and that they were sinners, and all of that bullshit, but Patrick’s a person too- Patrick’s playing his guitar, playing a song that he created with his boyfriend, and it’s not, like, preaching Satan. (This genuinely surprised Tyler).

They spend the rest of the period just like that, just Tyler watching in awe as Patrick explains and goes over the different techniques and short cuts to GarageBand, and Tyler even got to hear the chorus of the song that Patrick and Pete created, which was pretty fucking amazing. Again, not that he would compliment Patrick on it or anything. And it was odd, but it strikes something weird in Tyler’s chest. He wanted to be like Patrick, he wanted to create music for the hell of it, especially when Patrick explained that it was sort of like therapy for him. Maybe music could be Tyler’s therapy (cause Tyler wouldn’t ever tell his parents about ‘Blurryface’ and ask for help- and he prayed every night for it to end, but he knew that God probably cared more about other people much more than he cared about him).

* * *

“Babe, you look like you just saw ghost. Or a vagina” Pete says, before cackling over his own (very stupid) attempt at a joke- Hayley hits him over the head for it. 

Pete, Patrick, Hayley, and Josh are sitting at their lunch table, a period after Patrick taught Tyler GarageBand 101. And Patrick’s still pretty much in shock about that, still unsure if that actually happened or not. It was just so strange, you know? A guy that you have hardly said a word to, someone who already has a bias against you, suddenly comes up to you and asks you for help despite hating people like you. As un-relatable as that was, it was just strange to Patrick. And Tyler didn’t even look disgusted, and he didn’t even make any mean comments. Sure, he was awkward, but it was just the general awkwardness of talking to someone he didn’t know, as Patrick came to realize towards the end of the period, when Tyler stopped stuttering and seemed to loosen up just a little. 

“Vaginas are beautiful, one. And two… the weirdest thing just happened” Patrick says, biting his inner cheek. Hayley, Pete, and Josh all give other odd glances before leaning in closer to Patrick “Weird? Like what?” Josh asks, as Patrick looks around the cafeteria for a quick second, to make sure Tyler and Jenna aren’t close by.

“Tyler Joseph came up to me last period in the Music Lab, and we spent the entire period going over music” He whispers, like he’s telling a secret he shouldn’t tell. Maybe Tyler didn’t want anyone to know about it, but he didn’t say not to tell, so that wasn’t wrong… right?

Josh’s jaw drops- a pretty dramatic reaction. “Wait what?! Elaborate!” Pete nods, motioning for him to keep talking.

“I don’t know, it was so _weird._ I was editing ‘Calm Before The Storm’ and then Tyler came in out of nowhere and asked if I could reteach him how to use it because he forgot. And then I just took him through the whole process, and he didn’t even give me weird looks or anything! Sure, it was awkward as fuck at first, but he just watched and nodded, and he didn’t even say anything when I was babbling at you” He looks over to Pete “Because I was talking about how amazing your lyrics are, and you know once I start I can’t stop, and he looked, like totally fine with it!” He turns back to Hayley and Josh and shrugs “I don’t know, guys. It was just so odd”

Josh’s head is practically swimming, because _what if Tyler isn’t as homophobic as we all thought he was?_ “He didn’t say anything at all? What do you mean that he awkward?”

“Not really… like… he just looked like he was in awe, mostly-“ “Yeah, cause you’re so beautiful and everyone who ever sets their eyes on you is in awe” Pete blurts out as Patrick rolls his eyes, playfully. But Pete sees Patrick flush pink at his comment, so Pete considers it a win

“Stop being gay, keep talking!” Hayley says, just as interested about this as Josh is. “That’s homophobic, Hayley, please let us live our gay lives” Pete says, wrapping his arms around Patrick’s body, and pressing a kiss to Patrick’s cheek.

“I agree with Hayley, I wanna know more!” Josh whines, impatient to, well, know more. “Don’t be jealous that Tyler’s in love with Patrick, guy” Pete says, as Patrick shakes his head “No! Stop, it wasn’t like that, he just looked like he was in awe that you and I created music together, and it wasn’t all about being super gay for each other and wanting to eat ass 24/7” Well, Patrick wasn’t entirely off.

“Shit, dude, I should write lyrics for a song like that” Pete jokes, as Josh face palms “ _Guuuuys_ , can we please go back to talking about Tyler”

And seriously, Josh should stop denying that he has a crush on Tyler, because for the last remaining 20 minutes, he practically interrogates Patrick about Tyler. It’s for… science, or something! Maybe tomorrow, when they have to start the group projects, will be less awkward, since Tyler won’t be praying just looking at Josh. If Tyler could handle Patrick (although Pete was a lot more open about his sexuality… Patrick didn’t hide the fact he was gay, but he didn’t parade around the school wearing rainbow colors and screaming about how thankful he wasn’t “a straight”, unlike Pete), then he could totally handle Josh, couldn’t he?

Josh hoped for the best for tomorrow, but judging from the look that Tyler gave Josh in the hallways as he passed him to get to class, it probably wasn’t going to start off so hot.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if the characters babbling 99% of the time is realistic or not, because i tend to babble ALL OF THE TIME (as you can probably tell from the story itself literally i babble in ALL of the paragraphs it's SO BAD), so it's just really natural for me to write that but :// idk. ALSO next chapter josh and tyler will FINALLY talk! FINALLYYYYYYYY i'm so sorry it's been dragging on. BUT THANKS FOR 100+ KUDOS?? GUYS PLEASE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING but thank you so much anyways!!!
> 
> ALSO: i havent listened to the blurryface album in forever but i listened to it when i was writing and listen. "polarize" and "message man" are the best songs ever written sorry i dont make the rules. but ya this album is like coming home it's so good and amazing and i love it so much i love tyler joseph so much actually i hate him a lot but i also love him and i just had to add this in because im super emo and i had to express my love for 21p :'(


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: updates this fanfic 2 days after i post a new chapter, and then probably wont update again for another 2 weeks. RIP what does it mean to manage your chapters properly

“Okay, you can’t _possibly_ tell me nothing is wrong, you’ve been pacing in front of the door for 15 minutes” Jenna says, furrowing her eyebrows. She was leaning against the walls in front of the Music Labs, her (impossibly) long legs stretched out in front of her. But instead of strolling through Twitter, retweeting Bible verses, she was watching Tyler with careful eyes. He was pacing back and forth, his eyes focused on the floor.

Meanwhile, (not that Jenna could see, since ‘Blurryface’ was, after all, just a figment of Tyler’s imagination), ‘Blurryface’ was leaning against the other wall, his red eyes boring into Tyler’s the same way Jenna’s were. 

“ _Yeah, Tyler, what’s wrong_?” ‘Blurryface’ asked him, in his deep, but faux innocent voice.

“Nothing’s wrong, I’m just… nervous. I don’t want to mess up the project, you know?” Tyler answers, weakly. “Oh, come on. You’re an amazing pianist, you won’t mess the project up. What’s really bothering you?” Jenna asked, crossing her arms.

“ _Yeah, Tyler! Tell us, I care what you think_ ” ‘Blurryface’ said, giggling. And sure, ‘Blurryface’ was annoying like this, pretending he was Tyler’s friend instead of demon that Tyler has become accustomed to, but in all honestly, Tyler would take this ‘Blurryface’ over the mean, biting ‘Blurryface’ any day.

“You’re gonna laugh at me, it’s probably ridiculous” Tyler said, finally lifting his eyes off of the floor to look at his best friend. Jenna shakes her head, scoffing “No it’s not!”

“I’m afraid of… y’know… catching the gay” He says, biting his lip as Jenna blinks at him. And she tries really hard not to laugh, and she probably shouldn’t be laughing about this, because it _is_ a sin.

“ _You can’t catch what you already have_ ” ‘Blurryface’ sing-songs, and Jesus fucking Christ, Tyler really wishes ‘Blurryface’ would stop saying things like that.

“Catching the gay? Tyler, God loves you. And you love God too much to be a sinner, anyways” She dismisses Tyler’s statement as soon as he says it, before adding “Plus, I’m working with Patrick Stump… who’s actually in a gay relationship and actively shows his homosexuality” She ends her sentences with a shudder as Tyler pauses.

He contemplates on whether he should tell Jenna he hung out with Patrick for, now, two periods in a row. And when Tyler really thought about it, he could have been “catching the gay” from Patrick all of this time, but he didn’t even _think_ of Patrick as gay… he thought of Patrick as just Patrick. Like today, Patrick and Tyler were just joking about their dumb U.S teacher today while Patrick showed him how to layer things on GarageBand the entire period.

So then that, inevitably, raises the question- Why does Tyler think he could “catch the gay” from Josh, and not Patrick?

“Actually… Patrick’s not so bad” Tyler mumbles, under his breath, and the concern in Jenna's eyes turn into confusion in seconds “What do you mean?”

“Well… I mean, we’ve been kinda hanging out a little? I don’t know, it’s not that big of a deal, he was teaching me how to use GarageBand.” Tyler explains, choosing his words carefully. And Jenna looks skeptical, and she nods hesitantly “Right… anyways, not that it matters, but you could have quote unquote caught the gay from Patrick” “Yeah but… Patrick was never religious, you know?” Tyler comes up with this on the spot- “And Josh was. So maybe he’d, like, veer me off the path-“

Jenna gasps “Tyler! Don’t say things like that, that’s, like, blasphemous! And again, you’re too great a child of God to ever think about veering off the path of Jesus” She warns him, and Jenna isn’t exactly _scary,_ but Tyler shuts up, and nods anyways. Just like how Jenna can rant for hours about “Twilight” (“Listen, Tyler, I love you. You’re my best friend, but if you tell me that you’re Team Jacob, our friendship is _over”),_ she can rant about the righteousness of Jesus.

Just as Jenna finished her sentence, the two of them heard footsteps coming up the stairs and Pete’s familiar voice “-But really, why was Caillou bald? Wasn’t that motherfucker like 4 years old?” and then Patrick’s springing laughter “Why are you calling a 4 year old that? And I read somewhere that Caillou had cancer, actually” Josh says “Damn, R.I.P Caillou” and Hayley adds “Maybe Caillou is still alive” and Josh finishes their incredibly important conversation with “O.K but with that logic, Caillou can also be dead. R.I.P”

Tyler and Jenna give each odd glances, just as the group of friends make their way to the top of the steps. And it’s clear that they were surprised that Jenna and Tyler were there because they all immediately stop talking and look at the two of them with surprised expressions. It was practically a scene from a movie, the way that it seemed like time stopped, and they all just stared at each other.

Patrick broke the silence by clearing his throat, looking at Tyler “Uh, hi!” Tyler gives him a small wave and a pathetic excuse of a smile, and turns to look at Jenna, who is still sitting on the floor, staring at Patrick and Pete’s intertwined fingers hard.

“Hey” Tyler says, looking back at Josh.

And okay, Tyler totally isn’t gay, like totally not, who is gay? What does it mean to be gay? What is a gay person? But Tyler kind of can’t stop staring at Josh’s biceps, because he’s wearing a tank top despite it being, like, 60 degrees outside, and he’s wearing a baseball cap, and his blue hair is peeking out, and his nose ring is _really_ prominent but like. Tyler isn’t gay, so… yeah.

“Sorry, we didn’t realize you guys were here already, we didn’t mean to keep you waiting!” Hayley, ever the optimist, says, and that catches Jenna’s attention, because sure, Hayley is a devil worshipping punk who hangs out with gay people but she’s still a girl, and Jenna can work with girls.

“It’s fine, we weren’t here long. Ty, help me up?” Jenna asks, and Patrick has to stifle his laughter as he watches Tyler help Jenna up, lending her a hand, and he turns to Josh and mouths “Church couple”

“So? Are we gonna get to work?” Jenna asks, once she’s up, and Patrick nods “Yeah! So, I have to leave at 8, if that’s okay?” Tyler nods, quickly, because yeah, he needs to get the fuck out and shoot his baskets as soon as possible “Perfect! Let’s go!” Tyler says, giving Jenna one last look, before opening one of the doors, holding it open for Josh.

“Uh, bye guys. See you later, I guess” Josh says to his friends, with a look on his face like he doesn’t believe he’s going to get out of this alive. Like Tyler is gonna cut him up and make him pray for his sins and torture him or something. But Josh walks into the room anyways, and sets his bag on the floor.

“So. Hi” Josh gives Tyler a small wave once Tyler closes the door (he makes a cross on his chest before he does this), and Tyler makes a face, like he’s in actual physical pain “Hi”

And he feels like he’s in physical pain, because this is going to be the worst time of his entire life. He is comfortable with Patrick now, somewhat, but that’s because Patrick doesn’t make him feel _weird._ Like Tyler feels almost _tingly_ , what with being alone with Josh.  It’s so awkward, they used to be friends, maybe that’s it. He’s tingly cause he used to be friends with Josh. Obviously.

“So… what’s up?” Josh gulps, taking a seat at one of the computers. He wishes that Tyler could make some sort of effort to make this as normal as possible, but then he remembers that he’s being just as awkward and nervous as Tyler is. Tyler’s shoulders are tense, and he looks like he’s going to either throw up, or he’s going to have an emotional breakdown. And Josh notes that Tyler looks dead tired, but then he remembers that Tyler had basketball practice before this, so that’s pretty plausible.

“Um. Nothing. Just here, with you” Tyler says, huffing out a laugh, because what else would be up? He sits next to Josh, and takes out his phone- it’s a sidekick, and Josh does a double-take upon seeing it “Dude. Your phone is so…” He trails off, as Tyler bites his inner cheek.

His parents don’t really trust Tyler with an iPhone, or whatever. The mere fact that Tyler has an iPod nano is a miracle, and he doesn’t even use it in front of his parents, for fear that they would take it away. His parents don’t even trust Tyler with _money,_ why would they trust him with a fancy phone?

“Old? Yeah, I know. But it gets the job done” Tyler shrugs, texting his father and reminding him that he’s staying after school. He just hopes that his mother makes dinner late so that he can get home in time, shoot the baskets, and still have food that is still relatively warm.

“It’s cool, all antique and shit” Josh takes out his Rose Gold iPhone, and Tyler blinks at it. Josh has a pink phone? Why? “Like, sometimes I feel like a monkey could use this, it’s so _easy”_ “Is that a bad thing? Try texting with my phone” Tyler hands his phone over to Josh, and opens the notes section.

Josh stares at the phone for a second, at the keyboard. He, slowly, presses down each key carefully as he tries (and fails) to type “jishwa was here”, his tongue peeking out of his mouth as he messes up, his fingers too big for the keys. Tyler stares at Josh’s fucking tongue for a little longer than he should, and it’s not even like. His whole tongue. It’s just the tip of his tongue, but it’s pink and Josh looks really handsome and “adorable”, so concentrated.

“You spelled your name wrong” Tyler says, snapping out of his trance. He looks at the screen, the ‘jishwa was here’, and Josh laughs “Sometimes my friends call me that. They’re really weird”

And Tyler doesn’t know where his newfound confidence comes in, but he smiles “Yeah, I overheard a little of your conversation about Caillou”

“Dude, isn’t it a little weird that Caillou is bald? He’s 4 years old! He should have hair!” “I don’t know, maybe God thought he’d look cool with a bald head” Tyler says, almost _giggling._

‘ _Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be’_ Josh thinks. ‘ _I mean, yeah, he’s still super Christian, and things started off super weird, but it's not so bad right now, is it?_ ’

“Maybe, maybe” Josh says, still grinning. He gives Tyler’s phone back to him, and he turns the computer on. “So, what were you thinking? I know that you play the piano, and I’m a drummer, maybe we could do something, I guess, sadder, and then I can come in on the drums, and then we can make it super loud and crazy”

Tyler already had an idea in store, ready so that they could get this whole conversation over with, so that they could start already, but sometimes different and weird in Tyler’s gut tells him to listen to Josh. “Yeah, that sounds cool… I can also play the ukulele, if that helps. We can add the ukulele with the drums at the end” “Dude, that’s perfect! You can play the ukulele, that’s so cool” Josh exclaims, as Tyler smiles at him once again- Tyler likes getting praised. God knows he never gets praised unless he shoots 500 baskets, or he’s utterly exhausted. It’s nice getting praised for doing something he actually wanted to do, and not something he was forced to do.

“I guess. It’s super easy, I could teach you one day” Tyler says, not thinking anything of it- polite speech, you know? But Josh, on the other hand, has “I could teach you one day” echoing in his mind. He pictures Tyler wrapping his arms around Josh’s, his hands over his, strumming the ukulele, and-

Fuck. This is so _gay._

They open up the program, but they don’t end up doing anything for the rest of the time, they just throw ideas back and forth, and for a while, they even forget that things were awkward. It feels like when they were younger all over again, and ‘Blurryface’ disappears for a while too.

In fact, ‘Blurryface’ only makes a famous appearance as Tyler walks home, at 8:15.

“ _Oh, Tyler. Stop denying it already_ ” ‘Blurryface’ says, cute and lighthearted voice gone. He’s being harsh and mean and Tyler quickly slips back into it.

“I’m not denying anything” He says out loud, as ‘Blurryface’ laughs, loud and echoing in the walls of Tyler’s brain “ _Stop denying that you’re a faggot. I’m **you** , if you forgot, I know you. And I know that you’re a fucking faggot, so it’s better if you just came to terms with it_”

“There’s nothing to come to terms with!” Tyler yells, stopping in the middle of the street to bring his hands to his head. He twists his fingers into his hair and pulls “Just stop!”

“ _Stop lying to yourself, everyone already knows except you. Jenna knows, your parents know, the people at church know, even God knows. You’re fucking disgusting, and I’m here to help you, I’m here to help you get over it. And the first part of getting over it is accepting it, so **fucking accept it!** ”_

“There’s nothing to accept” Tyler says, whispering now, and he snaps his wrist with the rubber band so hard he practically falls to the ground. Embarrassed, he balances himself, and walks the rest of the way home muttering to himself “There’s nothing to accept, there’s nothing to accept”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but really why was caillou bald :/ whenever i think about caillou, i think about that song that goes like "her pussy bald like caillou, swag swag like caillou" and then im always like... but why was caillou bald. if you dont know who caillou is, he's this cartoon character from PBS and he's 4 years old and that motherfucker is bald 
> 
> also if you're team jacob.... please.... ://// 
> 
> ALSO not like... self promoting or anything... but i feel.. truly.. in my heart... you guys should follow me on tumblr... and tell me about how much you hate this story. or give me a prompt. or something tbh i am very desperate for attention! i'm @travtrick :}}} and ya i'll follow back duh... but im not like... self promoting or anything.. who does that 
> 
> also why are these so long! damn! no one cares about what u think uma! (besides 'blurryface' haha! haha!)


	6. Chapter 6

“I am so exhausted” Jenna brings a hand to her head and groans “I’m so tired, I only got, like, 6 hours of sleep, and I’m going to collapse”

And Tyler would normally smile politely at her and ask her what she was doing up (and not even in a fuckboy ‘ _Ahaha what were you doing ;)_ ’ way, for reasons Tyler didn’t get yet) and then tell her that maybe she shouldn’t stay up to watch TV. And Tyler would normally offer her some of his coffee if he has it with him, because that’s just the kind of guy that Tyler is.

But today? Tyler doesn’t even _hear_ what Jenna is saying to him, he’s so tired that he’s staring at the space between Jenna’s head and his locker with glassy eyes. His hands hardly even have enough grip to hold his coffee cup (his wrist has a single red rubber band around it) and he’s sure that his eyes have deep, dark circles around them. He didn’t even have time to properly check in the mirror, and even if he did, he couldn’t _focus_

“Tyler?”  Jenna’s voice seems so far away and distant, like she’s across the hallway instead of right in front of him, and she reaches out to shake Tyler’s shoulder when Tyler doesn’t respond. He’s staring at Josh’s bright blue hair, right where Josh and Hayley are chatting by the front door, since it’s the only thing that truly stands out in his blurry vision. He half expects 'Blurryface' to pop out right in front of him, just because it seems fitting. 

But 'Blurryface' doesn't show up, because Tyler jolts awake once Jenna shakes his shoulder, making him stare right into her concerned eyes “Dude. When did _you_ sleep last night?”

He shakes his head, closing his locker “It’s not that big of a deal, I was listening to music and lost track of time”

“ _Thou shall not bear witness against thy neighbor_ ” ‘Blurryface’ sings in his head. But it’s a little white lie, Jenna probably doesn’t even care that much. He's too tired to care about Jesus right now, which is, y'know, great. He can add this on the endless list of "Reasons Why I Deserve To Rot In Hell For All Eternity"

“Still” She says, wary. She points at the rubber band on Tyler’s wrist “What’s that?”

“A rubber band?” Tyler doesn’t mean to sound ‘rude’, but he’s so goddamn tired, and Jenna won’t stop questioning him, and it makes him want to actually start screaming. Three hours of sleep and just a slice of toast for breakfast would do that to a person. He closes his locker door shut, and he closes his eyes to will away any sleep before opening them back “You look concerned. I’m fine, really”

They walk to Jenna’s first period class (Tyler walks her there, like the straight heterosexual gentleman he is) in silence, mostly because Tyler’s too dead to even talk. There’s no point in doing this anymore, it’s been a day, and it’s either get 3 hours of sleep and act like a fucking robot, or starve all night and eat lunch at school. And Tyler could survive with no food, right? That can’t be so bad, and he’s done it before… right?

“I know I’m going to piss you off if I keep saying it but…” Jenna takes Tyler’s hand in hers, and squeezes it gently “I’m here for you, always. You’re my best friend”

He bites his lip, before giving her a shy smile- he’s sure that Josh is looking on now, spotting a flash of blue hair. “Thanks, Jenna. I gotta go”

He doesn’t know why he does it- well, he does know why he does it, he wants Josh to know that he’s a straight guy and 100% heterosexual, but he’s not sure why he wants him to know that so badly. Either way, he could ponder on this for 6 periods straight, or he could zone out and sleep with his eyes open- he chooses to zone out and sleep.

* * *

 

“That’s so cute” Patrick sighs, watching as Tyler and Jenna hold hands and smile shyly at each other. He turns to Pete and narrows his eyes “You don’t hold my hand, hold my hand!” Pete just slips his hand into Patrick’s and sighs, looking back to Josh “Damn, sorry Josh”

“He could be bi! Don’t erase the bisexuals of the world” Hayley adds, referencing herself, and Josh just ruffles her hair “Something in my mind tells me that’s not so”

They’ve been over this already, they’ve been over this already like 500 times, and Josh sort of hates them for bringing it up once again (but he could never really hate his friends). But something about it is still so odd, it just doesn’t make sense in Josh’s head. They don’t even act like a couple, they don’t banter like Pete and Patrick do, and they don’t even kiss and as far as he knows, he hasn’t even asked Jenna to the dance. He guesses that they’re just keeping things on the low, but they’d be the hottest couple in the school if they were dating… so why not say it?

“I don’t get it, he never talks about her” Patrick says, before shrugging “Anyways, why are we discussing _Tyler Joseph_ of all people, when we could be discussing more important things. Like David Bowie” The three other friends all glance at each other, before letting out a collective groan. 

* * *

So, Tyler doesn’t actually end up falling asleep in class, because you don’t get scholarships by sleeping in class. He’s sitting in AP-whatever, tapping on his desk with the eraser of his pencil, staring at the clock above the white board. In 10 minutes, he’s out of here, and in the Music Lab.

He’s been tapping out something the entire period, something he thinks he could transform into a song. Maybe. He scribbles down chords in his binder (10+ years of piano lessons will do that, give you the power to just remember how chords sound. That, or Tyler's just a really good piano player) to play on the piano in the room, and he’s tapping out the same beat he came up with this morning (but this morning he was hitting his skin with the rubber band to the beat, until he felt Jenna’s gaze on him). It’s kind of weird, because he wants nothing more than to _sleep,_ and he’s about 60 percent sure Patrick would let him take a nap in the Music Lab while he worked with his headphones on, but he has the energy to do this.

He organized his scribbled poetry into one coherent poem last period instead of paying attention, because he’d rather his teachers think he were paying attention than actually do the work. Again, it’s sort of comical (and sad, to Tyler) that Tyler would put effort into something like music but not into Pre-Calc, a subject that he needs to get an A+ in. He titles the poem “blasphemy” just because, well, that’s the only thing ‘Blurryface’ has been screaming at him all morning, every time his mind wanders to blue hair and brown eyes.

After what seems like hours, the bell _finally_ rings, and Tyler brushes past his basketball “buddies” and makes his way up to the Music Lab, expecting to see Patrick and the black leather notebook. Instead, though, he’s greeted by Josh Dun and Hayley Williams, blasting a song by Demi Lovato.

He blinks as he takes in the sight- Hayley’s standing on top of the piano, her red dyed hair falling in front of her eyes, and Josh is bumping in the pretty much nonexistent beat, and they’ve got plates of Taco Bell burritos scattered on the piano. He blinks again, and that’s when Hayley finally notices him “Holy shit!”

“I’ll just… I’m just gonna…” Tyler stammers, suddenly feeling really awkward. He doesn’t even look at the two friends, his eyes just land on the Taco Bell. Because… _Taco Bell_. Fuck, he’s so hungry and tired, and his favorite fast food order is sitting from in front of him, so close yet so far. Hayley turns off the music, and holds a hand up to Tyler.

“Wait, you can stay! I gotta go meet up with Mr. Hurley anyways” Hayley says, turning her head back to Josh before winking at him. There’s no meeting with Mr. Hurley, she just wishes Josh the best. Tyler gulps as Hayley walks out, grabbing her bookbag, but not her plate of burritos “You can take mine, I had one already and I’m kinda stuffed” She tells Tyler, before patting him on the shoulder as he stares at her. “Later, dudes!” And then, there were two.

“Do you want me to leave too? You look like you’re kinda busy” Josh tells him, although Tyler doesn’t look ‘busy’ as much as he looks ‘deer in the headlights’. And the word ‘yes’ is on Tyler’s tongue, but his body betrays him and he shakes his head.

“Cool. What’re you working on?” Josh asks, as Tyler slowly walks into the room, closing the door behind him. He looks at Josh like he’s some sort of wild beast, ready to pounce on him, but he just stays sitting in his seat.

“Stuff” He mutters, sitting down in the seat next to Josh. He grabs Hayley’s plate off of the piano, and gives Josh a shy look. “Is it okay if I take this? I’m kinda hungry” His mouth waters just at the sight of it, which is kind of pathetic because it’s just Taco Bell. But when’s the last time Tyler actually went out to Taco Bell? Enjoyed a meal without Blurryface coaxing him to puke it up because he didn’t deserve it?

“Yeah, I’m not gonna have it. Hayley always asks for gauc on the side, and it’s like, who the hell likes guacamole?” Josh says, as Tyler gasps in mock horror “Dude, take that back, guacamole is the best!” 

And okay, it’s super pathetic (scratch that, it’s really pathetic) that Josh blushes at the sight of Tyler bringing a _burrito_ up to his mouth, but he blushes even harder, if that were possible, when Tyler practically _moans_ at the taste. It’s a soft noise, not like guttural and ‘manly’, but it’s so fucking… fucking _Tyler Joseph_ that it makes Josh’s face flush pink. “Guacamole is a disgrace to us all”

Tyler shakes his head and he says with his mouth full “No way. What do you eat with your chips, _salsa?_ That’s just… bad” Tyler’s not sure when the last time he’s enjoyed a bowl of chips with guacamole, but he tries not to think about that too much. Everything is so cut and dry with him, it’s sort of ridiculous. Even the fact that Tyler’s going to have to lie to his parents about this burrito because his parents monitor his lunch based on his lunch card is making him a little nauseous, but he eats the burrito anyways. He learned about the drive theory in psychology today, so he blames it on that, on the fact that the lack of food is the reason he’s acting so weird and the motivation behind eating this stupid fucking burrito, before ‘Blurryface’ can get to him.

“Agree to disagree?” Josh asks, as Tyler shrugs. He turns the computer on, and taps out the drumbeat on the table once, just to remember it again. But Josh notices the rubber band on his wrist as he does it, and notices the red skin around it. “What’s that?”

Tyler raises his eyebrow, not sure what Josh is asking until he follows his gaze. He scratches at it just on impulse, the skin around the rubber band suddenly burning. “A rubber band…” He keeps his voice calm and collected, but when he looks up at Josh, he can tell Josh isn’t buying it. “Um… okay then” Josh says, deciding that he doesn't know Tyler enough to poke in his business... but he keeps staring at it, just because it looks so... wrong on him. Basketball stars don't have rubber bands on their wrists and basketball stars don't slap rubber bands on their wrist until their wrists become red.

Tyler puts his headphones on, brings the small piano keyboard connected to the computer closer to him, and they don’t say anything after that.

And half-way through the period, as Tyler finally feels somewhat satisfied with the piano part to one of the verses, his stomach churns and he feels ‘Blurryface’ start to wake up, start to feel that familiar ache behind his eyes. But he tries to pay no attention to that either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~this is gonna be real long, so you dont have to read if you dont wanna i just like ranting a lot~
> 
> HEY so i just wanted to post this actual pathetic excuse for an update because i havent posted anything since??? FEBRUARY???? i wish there were a good reason for it, but honestly i just got writers block and everytime i opened the file to write, i just blanked and ending up closing it. i wish i were like a good writer + updater like damn these inconsistent updates are so!!! ugly. but i hope you guys can 4give me and i promise 100 percent i'll finish this fanfic it might just take me a. VERY long time to do so. 
> 
> @me mayb you should write out the entire fic before you decide to post it. just a thought!!!!!
> 
> also ive never had taco bell b4, since i cant eat beef (hinduism is a Good Time!) and idk maybe taco bell doesnt use beef, i have noooo clue but i assume that they do? and im more of a mcdonalds girl cuz i love clogging my arteries. so idk if they put guacamole on burritos ive never had a burrito either cause i dont eat beans. im a really bad eater. i jsut had to add this in case you were like??? guacamole on BURRITOS? 
> 
> also we learned about th drive theory in psych today but im a DUMBASS and the way i wrote it could be 100% wrong. dont quote me on anything


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if this makes sense, but 'the events' in this chapter take place like right after ones in the last chapter? like it's all in the same day ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Hayley didn’t have many girl friends

Or really any at all. And it was never that big of a deal, because she’s known Pete and Patrick since she was 7 years old, had grown up with them, and generally knew the two of them almost as well as they knew each other. And since they all grew up in “conservative Ohio”, she was “shunned” (quotation marks since it was never that severe, although it felt like it) from most of the girls in her grade solely since she was a tomboy and she dyed her hair. Because dyed hair was cool, and her mom didn’t mind, and her favorite Disney Princess was Ariel, and that was that. It was just red hair dye, but somehow that was the universal sign to the entire neighborhood that Hayley was bad news.

And Hayley could have just waited it out and kept her hair the same light brown it’s always been, except, well, why would she want to be friends with people who made her feel like shit based on the color of her hair? Plus, she had the same hair color as _Ariel from The Little Mermaid,_ who would change that?

It got a little lonely sometimes, because there were things that she just couldn’t do with Pete and Patrick (or now Josh), and sometimes her Mom would pull her aside and calmly tell her that she should try to be more social and ‘get out there’, because she wouldn’t have Pete and Patrick to rely on when she’s out there in the real world. But she’d ignore her, because it was high school and it was too late to go back on things (things like announcing to her entire class that she was a bisexual) that made people so wary of her.

But then, one random evening, something bizarre happened- Hayley looked at the shirt that Jenna was wearing. And she looked down and she was wearing the exact same thing.

It sounds a little dramatic but she gasps and her eyes widen. “I-I like your shirt!” She blurts out, a little loudly. Because this kind of thing doesn’t happen to her, she doesn’t wear the same outfit as the other girls in her school, especially when those shirts are _tour shirts._ And hey, if you have the same music taste as someone, that’s, like, the first step of friendship, isn’t it?

Jenna glances down at her shirt, a Florence + The Machine tour shirt, and gives Hayley a half smile, before glancing down at Hayley’s shirt. Her eyebrows rise, like she didn’t expect Hayley to listen to music that wasn’t about the devil. She nervously laughs, muttering “I like your shirt too”

But this is… this is sort of monumental? Jenna was in the room that Hayley was in, crying her eyes and sobbing and singing back lyrics to Florence Welch. Jenna listens to freaking _Florence + The Machine._

They’re the only ones standing in front of the Music Labs, waiting on the other boys to arrive, so after this amazing discovery was, well, discovered, Hayley wasn’t just about to let to go to waste.

“This is so weird” Hayley says, laughing a bit, as Jenna smiles back politely “Yeah. I love Florence + The Machine, I cried when Florence first came on stage” She admits sheepishly, and Hayley yells at double the volume she probably should be speaking “Dude, no way! Me too!”

And it’s strange how one tee shirt could change things, because they spend the next couple of minutes just reminiscing over concert memories. It’s so weird to Jenna, she’s getting introduced to more and more gay people and she doesn’t even _mind them._ Like, Hayley is just a normal girl who just _happens_ to also like women, and for those couple of minutes, it’s not weird to Jenna. Sure, Hayley has fire-engine hair, but she felt the same emotions that Jenna felt at that concert, and didn’t that make her a person too?

That’s how Pete, Josh, and Patrick find them, talking on the dirty floors in front of the music room with their legs crossed over each other and laughing. Pete glances over to Patrick the same time that Patrick glances over to Pete, and they blink at each other. They must be dreaming.

“Hey guys” Patrick says, a little tentatively, and Hayley waves at him “Hey! Guys, Jenna and I are wearing the same shirt!” Jenna gives the boys a grimace and a small wave of her own, almost like she’s embarrassed by Hayley’s enthusiasm over something that truly isn’t a big deal.

But no one claimed that Jenna was going to change her ignorant (although not willingly ignorant) ways in a split second, so it was somewhat of an appropriate reaction. “Do know where Tyler is?” Josh asks. From the corner of his eye, he sees Pete smirk at him, so he elbows him in the side just as Jenna shrugs “Tyler’s basketball practice is going a little late. Championships are coming up soon” She smiles to herself, before looking back up to Josh “Tyler’s gonna bring us to a state championship”

Now, Josh doesn’t really give a shit about the school getting a state championship, but he just nods “Sounds lit”

“Totally lit” Jenna repeats back to him, feeling a little awkward now that she’s surrounded by gay everywhere. Luckily, Tyler runs up the stairs, still wearing his basketball jersey. “Sorry I’m late!” He squeaks, before almost tripping over the last step. He was still sweating from practice, since he didn’t take a shower. No one would have known this, but he didn’t take a shower because the warm water would have been too comforting and he might have actually fallen asleep _in the showers._

“How was practice?” Jenna asks once he gets back his balance, and he shrugs “I’m tired, I can hardly remember” He wipes some sweat from his forehead before smiling at Josh “Hey”

‘Blurryface’ scoffs, before muttering “ _Shit, if you want to pretend like you’re straight, don’t smile at him like he’s some sort of God_ ” Tyler automatically scowls at him, but Josh doesn’t seem to notice it, as he’s facing the door, unlocking it. Josh turns back to say goodbye to his friends and Tyler steps into the cold room, feeling goosebumps on his skin.

“I um…” He gulps, looking over to Josh as he closes the door. Josh motions for him to keep talking, and Josh sits down on the piano bench as he watches Tyler take out his Math binder. “I worked on a few poems. Uh, potential lyrics for the song, you know?” He gulps, leafing through the scribbled and scratched out lyrics. He pauses on ‘blasphemy’ but shakes his head. Too personal.

He takes out a couple of papers (his Pre-Calc notes, to be more specific), and points to the margins. “Here. I’m not, like, good at writing, not like Pete, but I wrote this yesterday” It’s titled ‘street poetry’ since he thought of it while walking to school.

“We don’t have to use it” He passes the paper over to Josh, before adding “It’s kind of weird. I don’t really show my stuff to people, but y’know. Project, and whatnot”

_theres an infestation in my minds imagination_

_i hope that they choke on smoke cause im smoking them out the basement_

_this is not rap & this is not hip-hop_

_just another attempt to make the voices stop_

_rapping to prove nothing just writing to say something_

_cause i wasnt the only one who wasn't rushing to saying nothing_

_this doesn't mean i lost my dream_

_it's just right now i got a really crazy mind to clean._

_you know, i didn't understand a thing you said_

_if i didn't know better i'd guess youre all already dead_

_mindless zombies walking around with a limp and a hunch,_

_saying stuff like, "You only live once."_

_yeah once, you got one time to figure it out,_

_one time to twist and one time to shout,_

_one time to think and I say we start now,_

_because death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit_

Tyler’s words are scribbled and there’s a hole from where his eraser rubbed too hard against the material of the looseleaf, but it makes Josh’s heart ache even more than it already does. Because this is coming from Tyler Joseph’s mind. He thinks back on the rubber band on Tyler’s wrist and how red his skin was around it, and Josh can’t do anything but blink at Tyler.

“Um” Tyler laughs nervously “Sorry, if it’s really bad”

“It’s not bad” Josh says, before taking a deep breath “It’s really good. It’s just… really emo”

“It’s… _emo?”_ Tyler thinks about guys in girl jeans and eyeliner and screamo music, and he makes a face at Josh. “It’s not emo, it’s just a poem”

“It’s emotional. Really emotional” Josh says back, before running his fingers over the hole in the paper. “And you wrote this?”

Tyler’s starting to regret showing this to Josh because he doesn’t like the look that Josh is giving him, like he deserves sympathy. And Tyler believes he doesn’t deserve any fucking sympathy, because he's horrible person and he deserved everything that came to him.

“Forget it” He mutters, reaching for his papers, but Josh pulls it closer to him “Dude. It’s really really fucking good, I’m just… surprised, I guess. I didn’t know that you felt this way”

“Feel what way? I don’t feel any way, I just wrote a poem” His eyes are wide, and he looks desperate, like he wishes Josh would just shut the fuck up. Josh just gives him another cautious look before handing the poem back to him. “I’m just saying. You’re really talented, though. Those words were like…” He looks up at the ceiling to muster up the right words, but he just ends up shrugging “really powerful” Tyler nearly blushes at the comment despite the fact that he’s sort of pissed that Josh feels bad for him.

“Thanks” He leaves the poem between the two of them before sighing “So, do you have any idea what we should do?” Josh smirks at him, nodding “Loads of ideas, my guy”

* * *

Patrick was sitting in front of the computers, fiddling with a melody, as Jenna sat on one of the desks in the room, her phone in her hands.

“Aren’t you guys gonna, like, do any work?” Pete asks, quietly, from his side of the room. They’re in the bigger Lab, the one that could fit two groups. Patrick turns his head to glare at Pete “We’re coming up with ideas” Jenna nods from her spot “Totally”

“You guys have been coming up with ideas for a week” Hayley whines, before turning to Jenna “I know that you like writing short stories, because you read yours out in English class. And Patrick is, like, a genius when it comes to music. Maybe you guys could do something with that?”

And alright, Jenna doesn’t need any of Hayley’s help. Sure, her and Pete are pretty much done with the entire chorus to their song… and Jenna hasn’t done anything in the past week besides scroll through tumblr. But she feels so _weird_ working with Patrick.

“I have a bunch of melodies” Patrick confesses, turning to look at Jenna with semi-hopeful eyes. “If you just sing and give me some lyrics, it could work. We’d pass”

“I don’t write lyrics” Jenna says, as Hayley interrupts “Just take lines from your stories! Your song could be, like, memoir-y, and could tell a story”

“I’m the biggest dumbass in the world and I can write lyrics, I’m sure you could do it” Pete adds from his corner of the room, and Patrick scoffs at him “You’re not a dumbass” He turns to look at Jenna and he taps the side of his pencil against his thigh. “But Pete has a point. Anyone can come up with lyrics if they try enough”

Jenna grits her teeth, as Hayley gives her a thumbs up. She _hates_ them, but she hates the fact that they were at least trying to help get her to pass this class. They didn't have to care about her, Patrick could have handed in something on his own and that would be the end of that, but they do, and Jenna's not sure what she should do with that information.

* * *

It’s not much. But they have something- Tyler ends up reciting his poem into one of the microphones (after him and Josh make fun of how wacky he sounds in the recording). It’s a little too fast and a little too emotionless for Josh, because Tyler almost rushes through the words like he doesn’t want anyone to hear the words he has to say. But it’s 8 in the night, and both of them are tired, so they keep the recording of it as it.

It’s not much, but they have something, and the thought that they’re finally getting stuff done is so reassuring to Tyler that he can hardly breathe. God, he could be over this project and go back to his normal life and the normal 500 routine and maybe _not_ hate himself.

“Hey man” Tyler looks up from putting his books back in his bag at the sound of Josh's voice “Uh, Pete, Patrick, and Hayley are gonna go get some ice cream now. Do you, like, wanna come?”

“ _I’m sure God would love hearing about you hanging out with them_ ” ‘Blurryface’ says, somewhere at the back of his mind, and Tyler gulps. Because it’s 8 in the night and he doesn’t have time to shoot 500 baskets and eat and do his homework and study and get enough sleep. And he can’t function like how he did this morning, when he was a zombie who couldn’t even take notes in class and couldn't even pay attention

“I don’t have any money on me” Tyler says quietly- it’s true. Tyler’s parents didn’t want Tyler going out and buying and “wasting” food on his own, because they wanted to monitor him, monitor how much he was eating so that they could manipulate him further.

“It’s, like, 3 bucks. I’ll pay for you, if you want”

“ _So, you’re a charity case now_?” “I mean… if you insist?” Tyler blames it on, like, Maslow's hierarchy of needs- he wants ice cream and hasn’t it in a while and he’s tired and ice cream would give him the burst of energy he so desperately needs to complete his homework. Plus, he wouldn’t be going to bed on an empty stomach. It’s a win-win, except for ‘Blurryface’ at the back of his mind taunting him.

“I insist! Dude, we totally deserve this. We have, like, one quarter of the song done, practically!” If Tyler wanted to say ‘no’ before, he couldn’t it do it now, not when Josh was smiling at him like they just climbed Mt. Everest or something. ~~~~

* * *

Tyler and Jenna exchange confused glances, before looking down at the scene in front of them. Josh is on one knee in front of Hayley, presenting her with her own cup of ice cream “Will you, Hayley Williams, be my platonic date to the dance?”

“I wasn’t being serious when I asked you to do this!” Hayley says through giggles, but she nods a yes, holding her hands out for her cup of ice cream “You’re such an asshole”

“You said you wanted a scene, you got a scene!” “Yeah, but…” She shakes her head before looking back at Tyler and Jenna “Sorry, this kind of stuff just happens”

Moments before, when Josh asked Hayley to be his date to the dance (just because they were friends and they didn’t want to third and fourth wheel Pete and Patrick), Hayley jokingly claimed that she deserved so much more than “Dude, wanna just go to the dance with me?” and well, the rest is self-explanatory

“It’s cute!” Jenna says, hooking her arm with Tyler’s. Josh notices and he passive aggressively takes a bite out of his pink cotton candy ice cream, if that were possible. “Key word platonic. Josh is too…” Hayley begins to say, before trailing off. She doesn’t wanna scar Jenna and Tyler by screaming “TOO FUCKIN’ GAAAAAAY”, but she suspects it would have been funny to see their reactions.

“Are you guys going to the dance?” Pete asks, as they all sit in a booth. They all know the answer, but getting confirmation would be cool. Jenna nods for Tyler, who was just picking at his vanilla ice cream with his spoon. To eat, or not to eat.

“Yeah. Tyler asked me to go with him actually” She says, before smiling down at her hands. Tyler just looks up and gives the friends a nervous chuckle “Yeah, what she said”

“That sounds neat!” Josh says, a little too cheerful, and Patrick has to stifle a laugh. “Yeah. Pete asked me a couple of weeks ago, even though he claims that he hates dancing. I mean, with Pete’s dancing skills, I would too, but-“ “Hey!”

Jenna squirms a bit uncomfortably as Pete and Patrick banter with each other, the words “Yeah, Pete asked me a couple of weeks ago” echoing in her head. She’s sitting with literal fucking sinners, and she’s not even burning yet! Maybe it’s because she’s got God’s Favorite Child next to her, but still. And everyone is aware of just how awkward it is, but Josh and his friends try to include Tyler and Jenna in the loop and include them in their conversation so it’s not so bad.

They don’t hang around for long, since it’s nearing nine in the evening, and everyone has homework to complete, but at the end of the date, Hayley gets Jenna’s number and they make plans to go to the mall later on. Whether or not those plans will truly be fulfilled, or Jenna was just being polite when Hayley offered it is unknown, but Hayley leaves the ice cream parlor feeling satisfied enough

“Do you really think you can change her? Like… people don’t change that easily” Patrick frowns, as they make their way home.

“One would even say that ‘seasons change, but people don’t’” Pete pipes up, grinning at Patrick when Patrick turns his head to roll his eyes playfully- Pete quoting his own lyrics in real life is both the dumbest and the cutest thing ever

“Jenna is super religious, Hayley… I don’t know…” Josh sighs, but Hayley shakes her head, determined. “I’m gonna show her that she doesn’t have to be homophobic in order to be religious. I’m gonna bring her over to the dark side… we have cookies”

“I really want some cookies now…” “Pete, stop talking”

* * *

Tyler felt totally fine walking home. Jenna decided that she wanted to "walk the calories of the ice cream" off by walking with Tyler, so 'Blurryface' wasn't bothering him as bad as he would have if she wasn't. They just walked in silence, but walking in silence with Jenna was a lot different than the silence when he was alone. Because he could hear Jenna breathe and he saw her give him smile when he looked over, and he wasn't alone. Which was something that Tyler always felt- he never really hung out with the basketball players and he didn't have a good relationship with his siblings because he was never around them much, and Jenna was the only thing he had that felt like home.  
  
Well...  
  
'Blurryface' felt like home, because 'Blurryface' had always been there. He was there for him the first time that he was denied his food for dinner, staring at him in the mirror in the bathroom, and he was always this constant in Tyler's life. Which sucked a lot because 'Blurryface' wasn't anything good at all, he was Tyler's own personal hell. And sometimes Tyler wished that that stupid voice would just leave, and never come back, because he doesn't need someone to spew back his insecurities at him, but the thought of there just being nothing, no more static voice, was kind of frightening.  
  
"Tyler, where are you going?" Jenna laughed softly, as Tyler looked at her, confused, before realizing he was walking past his house. She laughs at him when he realizes, shaking her head "Idiot"  
  
"Yeah, whatever. I'll see you tomorrow" Tyler says, before leaning in a little closer to her. She looks at him with wide eyes as he wraps his arms around her- if Jenna was the last person Tyler looked at before both his parents and 'Blurryface' killed him, he wouldn't mind.  
  
But even still. Tyler doesn't even feel anything for Jenna in any romantic capacity, and that hug only proves it. This is the part in the movie where he gets the urge to kiss her and they kiss before they part ways. But he just lets go of her because this isn't a movie (nor is it a shitty fanfic...)  
  
"Y-you too!" She stutters once Tyler starts walking towards his front porch before turning back to wave to her "Bye!" But when he turns back around, right about to grab the handle of the front door, his parents are already standing there with angry, expectant eyes. He hears 'Blurryface' cackle in his brain at the predicament he's in right now, and the only thing he can do now, stuck frozen in his place, is gulp and prepare himself for the worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO I SAID I WASNT GONNA DELETE THIS STORY and i said i wasnt gonna leave it uncompleted, but tbh ihave literally no clue what im doing. i feel like its moving along really fast and i feel like josh isnt even a main character but idk how to fix it and Aha I Should Not Be Writing!! like idk how to write josh and tyler falling in love because its so Damn Confusing! anyways i probably shouldnt b ranting about how much i suck at writing but i just ndnffn im not sure if this story even makes sense anymore and i have no idea if what im writing is good or if its just plain dumb and stupid. idk. 
> 
> also this is unrelated but i listen 2 "street poetry" on repeat A LOT which is like half of the reason why i chose that 'poem' nnfnskfsfdfm I LOVE THAT VIDEO so much i love at the end when it becomes blurryface's voice when he goes "because death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit" AAA i get chills i love street poetry i mean i love the heavydirtysoul song but idk street poetry is GREAT.


	8. Chapter 8

“ _It’s, like, hilarious that you thought you were going to get away with it_ ” It’s late in the night (or, depending on how you look at it, early in the morning), and Tyler’s wide awake. And, of course, ‘Blurryface’ isn’t real and he’s just a figment of Tyler’s imagination, but Tyler can practically feel him against his skin, in his bed next to him.

‘Blurryface’ is referring to the fact that Tyler thought that by eating the ice cream he’d feel less hungry. Because when Tyler was out with Josh and his friends, he didn’t think about his parents confronting him, and he didn’t think about them cursing him out and screaming at him at the top of their lungs, and he didn’t think about them telling him that he was going to go to hell for A, B, and C.

So, after he listened to his parents carry on for 30 minutes, he felt so guilty and wrong and disgusting that he threw up. It’s becoming a regular thing now, Tyler’s sort of used to the burn in his throat and the taste of Cool Green Listerine in his mouth afterwards.

“ _Remember when he threatened to take away your breakfast, too_?” ‘Blurryface’ laughs, shaking his head. And Tyler just kind of wants to punch ‘Blurryface’ in the face except he can’t because it’s not like it would make him stop talking, or go away. He probably wouldn’t ever go away. Ever. So he just lies back and listens to him talk, biting on his lip to prevent himself from screaming. His brother is fast asleep, next to him on the other bed. The last thing he needs is for Zack to suffer because of him too, he’s already disappointing God and his parents enough.

‘Blurryface’ suddenly turns on his side, and his deep, ruby eyes bore into the side of Tyler’s face “ _I know that I seem mean a lot, but you know that I care about you. What you think. I only want what’s best for you, I’m only trying to push you towards success. If that means exhausting yourself then so be it- you have to work hard for things. You can’t be a pussy all the time, you aren’t going to get a scholarship by going out for food and making music_ ” 

But it’s so much _more_ than that. It’s being 17 and having no free time at all, and barely keeping up with his friendships, and always being tired, and always having this negative force in his mind, and having to work harder and harder. And it was being so confused about sexuality because he feels nothing towards Jenna, not like that, but he feels… _something_ when he looks at Josh. But then he has no time to work that out because he’s constantly working, and working, and working, and it’s so _confusing._

And the only thing that was actually helping him, music, was the main cause of all of this destruction! It was an endless cycle, it was either deal with fucking ‘Blurryface’ nagging at him all day and fail an assignment that would be crucial to his scholarship, but eat, or it was do music and try to calm everything in his head but starve.

No matter what, Tyler couldn’t win. And even looking past all of that, he wasn’t… he wasn’t straight. He didn’t think he was straight, and every time he looked at Josh, he felt different and good, and he hated it. But he needed it, because no one else made him feel like that… but the reason  why no one made him feel like that was because he was gay, and God hates gay people, according to his parents. And his parents hate gay people! His parents hate bisexuals and pansexuals and just anything that doesn’t fit their idea of normal, and it’s so fucking confusing and it’s so much. It’s so much and he wishes that he wouldn’t have this problem. If he killed himself, he wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. If he killed himself, there wouldn’t be a million problems that have to be solved, because he’d be dead, and there would be nothing.

But if he killed himself, he’d go to hell, and his parents would hate him. So really, Tyler can never catch a break. Everyone wants Tyler’s life, Josh wishes he had Tyler’s life, but really… no one wants this.

He turns on his side, away from ‘Blurryface’, and he just counts sheep until he falls asleep. He aims for 500, but he doesn't end up reaching it. He'd come up with a bad metaphor in relation to it, but he was already asleep. 

* * *

When Jenna said she would call Hayley to go to the mall, Hayley certainly didn’t think she’d call the next morning… honestly, she didn’t think Jenna would call at all, once she actually started thinking about it.

“Believe me, I’m totally enjoying this” Hayley says, as they stroll through the dress section at Nordstrom “but…” Jenna looks up, taking in Hayley’s expression as she says “why are we here at 8 in the morning?”

Hayley didn’t even comb her hair this morning, because Jenna called at 6:30 (6:30! Who the hell wakes up 6:30 on the weekend) and asked if she wanted to leave to go to the mall in an hour. And Hayley, knowing that she was making a dumbass move by saying yes, said yes anyway.

“It’s really empty, you know? No one is really here” Jenna replies, a little too rehearsed. Hayley looks back at her and gives her a sad smile “You know, if you didn’t want to be seen with me, you didn’t have to invite me”

Because Hayley isn’t an idiot- it’s pretty clear that Jenna doesn’t want anyone to know that she’s been hanging out with _Hayley Williams_ out of all people. It’s just weird, because if she didn’t want to be seen with her, then why take her out in the first place?

Hayley can see it on her face, the way she tries to hide a wince, and the way that she stutters when she says “It’s not like that… it’s just, y’know. Circumstances” She clears her throat uncomfortably, before holding out a dress to inspect it.

“Circumstances…” Hayley trails off, rolling her eyes just a little. God, she should just spare herself the humility and just leave. But, Jenna brought them here, plus…

There was a feeling. It was probably stupid, because Hayley was 16 and she hardly even hung out with girls, but she kind of liked strolling through the dress section, and talking back and forth with someone. It made her feel “normal”, like she actually sort of belonged. Which sucked, because none of it was real. It probably was just a huge joke Jenna had played on her

“I have to ask you something that… that I wouldn’t want to ask you where people would hear. It’s something private” Jenna says, putting the dress down to look Hayley in the eyes. And seriously, _fuck_ , Jenna’s eyes were so gorgeous, it hurt. “Something I’ve been thinking about a lot, but I’ve had no one to talk to about”

“What, you think you’re gay?” Hayley blurts out as Jenna visibly jerks back, shaking her head “No!” which in turn makes Hayley bite down on her lip hard. Jenna looked like Hayley had burned her, had said something ungodly and crazy. “Gay isn’t a… a bad word, you know? It’s just a word. And being gay isn’t bad either”

Jenna just gives Hayley a skeptical look “I guess. Look, can we talk about this later? We really need to find dresses” Hayley shrugs, running her fingers through her hair as she kept walking down the isles- this was going to be interesting. 

* * *

“Yo, get this” Pete says, pausing for a second for dramatic effect, before saying “Hales is hanging out with Jenna”

They’re hanging out in Josh’s room- Patrick and Josh are playing Super Smash on the TV in Josh’s room, while Pete was reading Ernest Hemingway on Josh’s bed, or at least _was_ reading Ernest Hemingway, until he got a text from Hayley saying that she couldn’t hang out since she was with _Jenna Black._

Josh immediately pauses the game, and both Josh and Patrick turn around at the same time “Wait, are you serious? Didn’t they just make plans last night?” Pete shrugs, throwing his phone on the other side of the bed “I dunno, man. She just texted saying that she was at the mall with her or something” He waits a second and then asks “Dude, can we order pizza?”

Josh rolls his eyes “My mom is making us lunch, but what the hell? How did she manage that?”

“I don’t know, ask her on Monday” and that’s the end of their conversation, because Patrick makes a noise of protest and motions towards the TV screen.

Josh has sort of the exact opposite life that Tyler has. Because Josh has a bunch of older siblings, most of whom are already in college, or are living in their own homes, so it’s just Josh and his parents. And Josh and his parents are on such good terms, it’s almost scary. Like, Pete has a bunch of “daddy issues” (that he likes to joke about, but he seriously _does_ have issues with his father), and Tyler is on some sort of other level, but Josh loves his parents. They’re old, and they’re funny, and they sort of let Josh get away with everything because he’s the baby of the family.

It’s everything Tyler wishes he could have- he wishes he could have parents that give him lunch to the point of overfeeding him, and he wishes he could have luxuries like a TV in his room, and parents who didn’t even care if Josh didn’t attend church. He wishes that he could have close relationships with people the way that Josh did. And it’s not that Josh takes it for granted, which he really, truly doesn’t, but Josh doesn’t understand anything about Tyler. Josh understands that he gets bullied at school for being different, and for being gay, and that Tyler is treated like a God.

Well, actually… Josh was starting to notice small things about Tyler. The rubber band, and the angsty lyrics, and the harsh writing, and the way that he always seemed lost in his thoughts, and how he always seemed hungry and tired.

Josh pauses the game again, much to the annoyance of Patrick, and he turns to his best friends “Wait, can I ask you guys something? Something serious?”

Pete shrugs, sitting up in the bed, and Patrick sets the game controller down. “What’s up?”

“It’s not about me, it’s about… okay, this might sound weird, but do you ever get this feeling inside when you know that someone isn’t feeling alright? Or if something is wrong with them?”

Patrick automatically responds with “Yeah” and he glances over to Pete on the bed. Pete just gives him a sad, sheepish look back in response, before looking back over to Josh “Yeah, I guess”

“I have that feeling, that really weird and fucked up feeling in my gut every time I look at Tyler. And, like, he showed me some of the lyrics that he’s been working on and they’re so…” Josh trails off, as Patrick makes a face “Sad? Angry?” “ _Sad._ They’re so sad and crazy, and he always wears this rubber band, and there are always these red marks-“ “Cut marks?” Pete rubs subconsciously at his own wrists “No, they’re like red like he’s been hitting himself with the band over and over again”

Patrick takes a deep breath through his nose before sighing “I don’t know, Josh. What are you going to do about it, you guys aren’t even that close” “I don’t know! I just want to help him, you know?” A ghost of a smile appears on Pete’s face “Still gay for him?”

“Yeah. I think I like him, I don’t know. He makes me feel weird. He makes me want to help him, and I just want to listen to all of his problems and help him or whatever” But Patrick still looks unconvinced from his spot on the floor “But… we don’t know if he has problems, he’s goddamn Tyler Joseph. He’s popular, he never gets bullied, and-“

“Rich people can feel like shit and have depression” Pete counters back, glaring at Patrick just a little. And although no one said anything about wealthy people, Pete was most likely referring to himself. Self-destruction and all things angst and sad was sort of in his home field.

“I didn’t even say that, so stop-“ “I didn’t say that you did! I’m just saying, people with privilege can still suffer through depression and mental illness and the whole 9 yards” Pete looks back over to Josh and sighs “Give it some time. I don’t know, he’s not going to open up to you out of nowhere. Did you ask him about it?”

“Yeah, he just acts like nothing is wrong. Which makes it even worse”

“You just have to wait for the right moment, man. Don’t just approach him on Monday and ask him a whole bunch of questions, that’ll just scare him” Josh gives Pete a shrug, although it’s a ‘shrug of understatement’, and then Patrick unpauses the game with an eye roll. 

* * *

4 hours later, 6 bags of clothes/make-up/CDs from FYE/band merch from repulsive but very useful Hot Topic, and a foot ache later, Hayley and Jenna finally sit down to eat at the food court.

There were a lot of options, but both of them are trash for Johnny Rockets, so they both get an order of a cheeseburger with curly fries, and they share a large, vanilla milkshake. That was kind of a mistake, because they have to awkwardly switch it back and forth, but they some how make it work. The mall has gotten considerably more crowded, being a Saturday and all, but either (1) Jenna felt bad about Hayley knowing her intentions of keeping them away from the public eye or (2) they both were fucking hungry and craving cheeseburgers.

“So…” Jenna says, putting down her half-eaten cheeseburger. Hayley watches as she wipes her mouth with a napkin (right after she wipes her own with her hand- it’s practical, okay) and sits up a little straighter in her chair “There’s a reason why I didn’t want anyone to know that we were hanging out. But I couldn’t really say it until now, I’ve been thinking about it all day, and-“

Jenna really can ramble on and on- Hayley’s noticed since they’ve sort of been talking the entire day. It’s kind of (dare she say it) cute, the way that she goes off on tangents before realizing, and blushes while apologizing. But something still feels weird between them, because they still hardly know each other. It sounds a little 'fuckboy', but Hayley wants to play ’20 Questions’ with her just for the sake of maybe knowing the names of her siblings and her birthday.

“Jen” That’s all Hayley has to say, with a small smile, and then Jenna stops “Fuck, I’m sorry I keep doing that!” And Hayley has never heard Jenna curse, but holy hell. Hayley is so bi. “Okay, the reason why I came to you out of all people is because… because I can’t think of anyone else who would be supportive. And you’re a girl, it’s weirder with Pete and Patrick, I can actually, like, talk to you about periods and shit, and get to know you better and whatever” Jenna looks up to the ceiling and mutters something under her breath before crossing her chest “I think that Tyler is gay… and I need to learn how to be okay with it, because I can’t lose him as a friend”

Suddenly, there are so many thoughts in Hayley’s head that she almost feels sick. She takes a sip from the milkshake, like it would clear her mind, and she says “Tyler as in Tyler” “Yeah, Tyler”

She takes the milkshake from Hayley’s hand and drinks from her own straw “I don’t really, uh… support it. But Tyler is my best friend, you know? He’s the only person that really matters to me in that stupid school. He listens to me all of the time, and I love him.” She sighs “I mean, I think I like him, but that’s not the point. If Tyler can’t like me back, then I don’t want to just drop him, I can’t _lose_ him”

Hayley nods shallowly- yeah, it makes sense. Jenna takes this as a cue to continue talking “That’s why I confided in you, or whatever. Because everyone else would tell the entire school about Tyler being a fag, and-“ “Don’t say that word”

Jenna’s eyebrows furrow “Fag?” “Yeah, don’t say it. It’s, like, majorly offensive”

“OK, forgive me. I don’t think you would tell the entire school about Tyler being… gay…, I’m only just concerned about Pete and Patrick and Josh” She leans in a little closer to Hayley, enough for Hayley’s heart begin to beat faster “And I’m _begging_ you, do not tell them. This is… it’s just rumors, I’m not even sure about it, but I have this feeling in my stomach that something isn’t right. Something is off, and something has been off ever since the rumors about Tyler being gay at church started springing around” Jenna makes a face “And, like, yesterday we hugged, and he didn’t even try to feel me up or anything”

“Well, that’s just him not being an asshole. I mean, would you want your best friend feeling up your ass? That’s just downright weird. But anyways…” She pops a French fry in her mouth before beginning to talk “I can’t convert you into being an ally, or whatever. If you don’t want to be one, you won’t become one, you know? You can’t decide whether or not you support homosexuality based off one person, because there’s always an underlying… an underlying homophobia in that. It’s like ‘Hey, I support you! But I don’t support what you believe in!’”

“Religion is important to me, Hayley” Jenna says, “I know that you and your friends kind of shit on Christianity, but religion is the only constant thing in my life. It’s what keeps my family and I connected, and I’ve been going to church and singing in the choir for longer than what I can remember” She takes a shuddering breath “It’s my whole life, it’s hard to just drop all of that out of nowhere. The one thing I believe in is the one thing that is keeping me from… from accepting all of this”

And Hayley feels bad for Jenna- she really, really does. But no matter how hard it must be for Jenna, it must be 100 times worse for Tyler. God, she couldn’t even imagine how Tyler felt about it, being so religious and whatnot.

“Jenna” Hayley rests her hand over Jenna’s, before saying in the calmest, and soothing voice she could muster up “I know it must be really hard, alright? I hear you on that. But you have to think about how much worse it feels for Tyler… No one chooses to be gay, or bisexual, or any sexuality ever. No one chooses it, it’s… it’s _who you are._ And you have to decide whether or not you want to be there when Tyler inevitably breaks down about it and has an emotional crisis about it, or if you want to just… not be there for the one guy who means a lot to you” She waits a second, before saying “and no one is saying that you have to indulge in it, no one is saying that by being an ally, you’re going to Hell. And the Bible, no offense, is full of old ideas and whatnot. I don’t think you’d be a bad Christian for accepting people for being people, and respecting people enough to _not_ ostracize them for loving someone who they can’t help but love”

It’s a lot to process, and Jenna’s probably going to have to hear it a couple more times to fully understand it. But Hayley has to give credit where credit is due- at least Jenna is trying to find ways to accept it, instead of leaving Tyler all alone in it, you know? At least Jenna corrects herself when she says the wrong thing, and at least she’s reaching out for help. And Hayley guesses that’s what the first step is, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it probably didnt work, but i kind of tried to draw a lot of parallels w the other characters in relation to each other like idk for example both pete and tyler seem like they're in privileged situations, pete bein rich and tyler being like a celebrity at the school, but both of them have to deal w like a whole bunch of other shit? and both josh and jenna have these weird feelings in their gut about tyler? and both hayley and tyler are kinda confused about their feelings about the people they think they like? IDK im trying 2 be a good writer! 
> 
> ANYWAYS thanks for so many of the sweet comments last chapter- writing this story is like a hit or miss for me, either im really feeling it or i dont wanna write it ever BUT all of your comments gave me inspiration and kind of inspire me to go "hey uma, maybe you /shouldn't/ watch another episode of dexter, and maybe you should write!" so THANK YOU<3 and thanks to my best 'fren' (yuck) lilly for also giving me LOADS of inspiration and always complimenting my writing even when i doubt it :( <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song tyler plays in the beginning is "implicit demand for proof". since he didnt come up w a name for it, i didnt mention it, but i thought u should know what is is, in case you wanted to listen to it, or whatever. fun fact it's my fave 21p song EVER, and the piano part actually KILLS me? i wanted to learn it on the piano but then i remembered that i left all of my piano skills behind when i started playing the harmonium so... nvm.

It feels kind of sinful in some twisted way, that Tyler’s practicing a song that he wrote by himself in the piano in the church. He’s not sure what this one is called, but it’s something that he came up with while he was praying, so hopefully it’s, y’know, holy… or whatever. Tyler’s not sure; he just feels like playing it is wrong, like he shouldn’t be infecting the house of God with his filth.

But… he continues to play anyways. The church service only just ended, so it’s not like anyone would come looking for him soon, since everyone was downstairs eating bagels, and enjoying coffee, and doing relatively normal things. No one has ever told him not to _not_ play the piano while no one was there to supervise him, but no one has ever told him it was okay to do it either. But it’s so tempting, nothing like the cheap keyboard Tyler has in his room that he practices on when he’s not sleeping, or practicing, or studying (needless to say, he doesn’t practice often)

“Ty?” A voice calls out from the back of the church, and Tyler whips his head around to see Jenna. His heart beats fast, momentarily scared shitless, but he automatically calms down once he sees her shy smile “I, um… brought some coffee for you”

She walks down the aisle to meet Tyler at the end, where the piano is, and it reminds Tyler a little too much of a wedding; she’s wearing a white dress and her hair is braided, and he looks down and focuses on the piano keys instead. “Whatever you were playing was good” She walks around the piano and Tyler moves over so that Jenna can sit next to him. She places a steaming cup of coffee on the top of the piano before smoothing out her dress.

“Thanks, it’s just…” He shrugs, and she laughs softly “It really was! Do it again” She brushes a strand of her hair out of her face, as he nods, and presses down on the keys.

It’s something soft, and it’s only the beginning, but he feels satisfied with it. It’s the closest he’s ever gotten to a song without the help of GarageBand, anyways.

“Are you and Josh using that for your song?” She takes a sip of her own coffee, and she looks at him over the brim of the cup- bright, electric blue. He shakes his head, reaching for his own cup

“Actually it’s for me... like my own music” He regrets saying it once he says it, because Jenna’s eyes widen “Shit, really?!” She pauses for a second, and looks around Tyler’s shoulder to Jesus on the cross. She winces, and does a cross on her chest before turning back to Tyler “Sorry, it’s a bad habit. Anyways, you are?! How many songs do you have?!”

“Uh… half of 2, maybe like one-eighth of another? Nothing is really pieced together, just bits and pieces, you know…” He trails off- he should really keep a log of this, or something. But he doesn’t have time to keep any logs, he doesn’t even have time to do this.

“I don’t know how you do it, Ty. You’re so good and everything, and I’m so… bleh. Patrick and I can’t even come up with a decent beat” She frowns, before pressing down on one of the keys “I can’t even play the piano!”

“You’re good at plenty of stuff! You’re good at… like, cheerleading. And singing” “Yeah, and so is every other girl in the world. Not everyone can be a basketball star _and_ be a musical genius. Maybe Troy Bolton…” Tyler smiles at that, shaking his head “Right”

It suddenly gets quiet, awkward quiet, so Jenna quickly remedies it by asking Tyler how to play the piano. He raises his eyebrows, before clearing his throat. “Um… well, here. You have to get hand in position before you do that. You can’t play with your hand leaning against it, you have to kinda…” He can’t find the correct words to use, so he does the next best thing- do it for her.

He lifts her fragile wrist a little, and moves her fingers so that they’re all on different keys. They’re awfully close, he can smell her Macy’s perfume, and he can see the streaks of foundation on her face. It’d be a perfect time to kiss her, there’d be no better time to do it than now.

He can feel ‘Blurryface’ laughing at him in his head, poking at his brain, egging him on. Jenna turns her head, her eyebrows furrowed like she doesn’t know what’s happening, and it only takes ‘Blurryface’ to hiss “ _Do it to prove that you’re not a fag_ ” to kiss her.

It’s super awkward- Tyler’s never kissed anyone, so his nose bumps into Jenna’s. His eyes are wide open, and he’s not sure if he sure if he should move his lips, or keep them pressed against her glossed lips, so he doesn’t. It feels _weird,_ and very anti-climatic. Almost like he expected bells to ring, and he expected ‘Blurryface’ to disappear, and he expected all of the weight on his shoulders to go away, and he expected confetti and a banner that said “CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE NOT GAY!”

Instead, he just got pink lipstick on his mouth. She pulls away after a couple of seconds, and she blinks at him, almost like she knows. Like she can read his sinner mind, and she knows that he didn’t enjoy it at all. “Wait, I’m sorry, I don’t know…” Tyler tries to explain himself, but she moves away slightly “Tyler, you don’t have to… to _prove_ anything to me. It’s okay”

And he wants to believe her, he wants to believe her with every fiber in his being, but he _can’t._ When he looks at Jenna, he sees head choir girl at his church with a white dress and a bible, and she would hate him if she knew the truth. The only person he could trust would hate him more than he hates himself.

“I’m not trying to prove anything, I just want to… kiss you” He says, feeling like an idiot. He turns back to the piano, ignoring ‘Blurryface’ hysterically laughing at him, but not well. He feels like his entire world is crashing down, because if he couldn’t kiss her, how could he do anything with her? How could he love her? How could he… like, have sex with her?

“Do you want me to kiss you? To see if you’re…” She trails off, and Tyler turns back to her “I’m what? You don’t believe the rumors… do you?” She doesn’t say anything, she just sighs, and that’s enough for him.

“You think I’m gay?!” He slides off of the bench and steps away from the piano- he doesn’t want to touch anything holy, he shouldn’t even be uttering _that_ word in the Church. And Jenna doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know the _right_ thing to say, so she cries “No! I just... I don’t know!”

“I’m not gay. I’m not gay, okay, I’m not fucking gay, so don’t say that” He says, his heart racing as he moves further away from the piano, towards the door. Plus, he’s never cursed in the church, and ‘Blurryface’ takes note of that. He tsks, and whispers under his breath “ _What a sinner_ ” and it makes Tyler’s head pound

“I never said that! Where are you going?!” Jenna tries to follow him, tears springing to her eyes, but he just runs towards the door. He’s not sure where he’s going, or what he’s running from, but he just needs to leave. There are crosses everywhere in the Church, and pictures of the Disciples and bible verses, and he knows that everything he’s doing is _wrong,_ everything is so _wrong,_ and he doesn’t know how to fix it without losing himself in it.

Jenna doesn’t run after him- she’s wearing heels, and something in Tyler’s eyes, the way he screamed at her, tells her that he doesn’t want her to be around him. She just turns towards Jesus on the cross, and whispers “What did I just do?” to Him.

* * *

 Tyler stops running when his legs ache, and since he’s an athlete, that’s pretty far. He’s not even sure where the fuck he is, but he’s alone, and sitting in someone’s driveway. He wants to lie down and get run over by a car in the street, and just end it all there, but he can’t because he’s so weak and can’t even bring himself to do that. So he just sits and tries not to cry as he sits in silence, breathing deep, in through his nose and out his mouth.

‘Blurryface’ sits next to him, criss-cross apple-sauce, and he laughs. He’s always laughing, always mocking Tyler, but the sound is so irritating and annoying that it almost brings tears to his eyes. God, he just wishes he would shut the fuck up, just shut the fuck up and stop bothering him.

“ _That was great…‘Lifetime movie’ material, if you ask me_ ” ‘Blurryface’ snickers, before bumping his shoulder with Tyler’s “ _Come on, Ty. Everyone knows that you’re gay, just drop it_ ”

“I’m not gay, I’m not gay, I don’t even think about… I don’t even think about…” He tries to spit out, but he can’t even say the words. He thinks about kissing Patrick momentarily, about how he would feel, about the way that he would smell, but then he quickly thinks to _Josh._ About curling his hands in blue hair, and how strong Josh would be pressing him against a wall and about how different his lips would feel, and _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._

“ _Right_ ” He presses his hand against Tyler’s clothed leg, and he leans in close to Tyler “ _You’re a horrible liar_ ” He lets go, winks at Tyler, and then disappears. Tyler just puts his head in his hands, and waits until his head stops pounding. And then maybe he can go back to the church and face the wrath of his family.

Sadly, that doesn’t happen any time soon- his quiet moment is quickly broken by the sound of a dog barking. He turns his head to the sound, and he sees an admittedly cute dog. It’s a golden retriever, and he’s attached to a leash. And because God loves Tyler, of course Josh Dun is holding the leash.

“Um… hey” Josh says, blinking down at Tyler. Tyler looks just as bad as he feels. He’s sweating, and his hair is messed up from him pulling at it, and he looks dehydrated, and dry tear tracks are on his face. “You’re kinda in my driveway but, uh, are you okay?”

And Tyler wants to get up and say that he is, but he physically _can’t_ , his legs hurt so bad, and he can’t will the words out of his mouth. So he shakes his head, looking back out on the road. Josh sits next to him, and his dog follows him. Tyler looks over to Josh, and Josh nods at him, before Tyler reaches out and starts petting it.

“His name is DB. It stands for Dog Breath, but it’d be kinda weird if I called my dog ‘Dog Breath’ all the time” Josh says quietly, and Tyler gives him a “half laugh” at it. DB is pretty quiet, and Tyler continues to scratch behind his ears, smiling just because dogs are great, always.

“Do you wanna, like, talk about it? I have all day” Josh offers weakly, and Tyler lets out a shuddering breath “I don’t wanna bother you, I’m already-“ “Dude, shut up. You’re fine, I’m a good listener. And so is DB” DB barks at the sound of his name, before leaning his head against Tyler’s leg and closing his eyes at the feeling of Tyler scratching him.

“Just a lot is happening, that’s all” He doesn’t really wanna divulge all of his business to Josh, but Josh looks at him with his beautiful brown eyes, and his blue hair, and he ends up stuttering out bits and pieces of his life “I just… I have this thing. Like this _person._ In my head, and he’s _me,_ he’s me, and he’s always bringing me down, you know?” “Like schizophrenia?” Josh blurts, as Tyler shakes his head hesitantly “I don’t… think. I don’t know, it’s just this one voice in my head, telling me that everything with me is wrong. And he’s right-“

Josh shakes his head “He’s not right. What does he say?” “Stuff… he mostly gets it right, he just repeats all of my insecurities right back at me. And he keeps saying this one thing and it’s like. I’m not” Tyler looks at Josh and says “I’m not gay. And he says that I am. And if he’s me, then it’s true, right? That I’m gay?”

‘Blurryface’ watches them with a careful eyes, but he doesn’t say anything, which is surprising.

And Tyler’s question mostly takes Josh by surprise because he didn’t expect it. Tyler’s dressed like he’s come back from Church, and he’s asking about being gay. And thinking that he might be.

“I don’t know. But if he says you are, you shouldn’t just base it off that, you know? He’s a piece of shit, you shouldn’t listen to those voices in your head. They’re wrong” Josh says, as Tyler shakes his head “You don’t understand, he’s” Pause. “everywhere. He’s always at the back of my mind, and I always feel like I’m wrong, and I’m shit, and I can’t ever escape it. Like…” He laughs bitterly “I don’t know. Even when I’m happy, he’s there”

He continues to pet DB, and the words fall seamlessly through his mouth “His latest thing is that I’m gay. And there’s these rumors going around that I am, and I don’t know. It’s wrong” Josh opens his mouth to disagree, but Tyler gives him a look, and he doesn’t say anything- he said he would listen. “It’s wrong, according to the Bible. And Christianity is everything to my family, my family would disown me if I didn’t follow the rules of Christianity. Or if I didn’t get a scholarship. They would disown me, and I love my family, and my best friend is devout Christian, and I’m so lost. I’m so lost, and I can’t even turn to God for this because… because it’s wrong! I’m a fucking sinner! I’m going to hell, and I’m gonna burn there” Tears prick at his eyes before he can stop them, and he sighs “I’m going to hell, I don’t even know what to do anymore”

Josh doesn’t know what to say to him- he’s never been good at comforting people. Tyler’s practically in tears, and Josh can’t think of a single thing to say. So he just rests his hand on Tyler’s shoulder and looks into his eyes “You’re going to be okay, man. You’re not going to hell, or anything like that, I promise you”

Josh leans in to give Tyler a hug, but Tyler moves away before he can do that, giving him yet another awkward look “Sorry” He waits a second, before whispering “How’d you know you were gay?”

Josh wouldn’t tell Tyler he realized he was gay when he started thinking about guys while he jacked off instead of girls, because he’s sure Tyler wouldn’t want to hear that, so he just goes with a more general response “I don’t know. I love women, but I can’t see myself ever falling in love with one, you know? I’m just attracted to men, everything about men. Like, I don’t feel anything when I look at Hayley, besides the love I have for my friends. And I don’t really find girls to be, like, I don’t know. Appealing, I guess. Like girls are beautiful, but men are hot” Josh blushes a little, before turning back to look at Tyler “I don’t know. I just feel butterflies when I see a cute guy, you know?”

Tyler nods- he knew. Pretty well, actually. “It’s not a good definition, but that’s just how I see it. Listen, there’s a whole spectrum of sexuality, it’s not black and white. It’s not only gay and straight”

Tyler interrupts him by blurting “I kissed Jenna today. And I didn’t even feel anything towards her. I just felt really awkward, and it felt really wrong. So does that mean that I’m gay?”

“Maybe it’s just because she’s your friend” Josh offers, but Tyler shakes his head “I’m supposed to fall in love with Jenna. It’s set in stone… it’s like the perfect set up. We’ve been friends since we were little, she’s a cheerleader and I play basketball, and it’s supposed to be perfect. We’re supposed to get married and have children, and go to Church, and I’m not supposed to have ‘Blurryface’ in my brain. And yet... here we are”

“’Blurryface’?” Tyler nods “I, uh, named the person in my head that. I started seeing him after I cried, because my vision would be blurry, and I’d look into my reflection in a mirror, or something, and I’d see myself… but distorted. And my eyes would be red, and I’d just say horrible things and…” He coughs uncomfortably, and changes the topic “What time is it?”

Josh gives him a wary look, but he checks the time on his phone “Uh, 4:20” He waits a second before muttering under his breath “blaze it”, but Tyler’s eyes widen, and he jumps on his feet “Holy… holy crap, I gotta go, my parents…” Josh quickly stands and stops Tyler before he can run away “Wait! Just… just know I’m here for you, you know? We can talk about it tomorrow, just don’t do anything stupid” Tyler’s not sure what that means but he nods “Okay, I gotta go, bye!” and then he runs off in the other direction as fast as he can.

DB wakes up and barks once he notices that Tyler’s running away. Josh just sighs “Same” and he makes his way back inside the house, but not before he watches Tyler run away until he can’t see him anymore. His heart hurts for him, and it’s weird, because just yesterday, he was thinking about how good Tyler’s life was. How badly he wanted Tyler’s life. He just hopes that he can talk to him tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *mentions the color of jenna's eyes every fuckening chapter because im in love with her eyes im IN LOVE!!!!!!!*
> 
> i understand that the chances of tyler randomly going to josh's driveway are like. super slim. but listen,., desperate times call for desperate measures ok... please sue me.... actually dont because im broke as fuck but... let me live. also i got the name for josh's dog from smallghostkid's SIN!!!! IN WHICH JOSH'S CAT WAS NAMED DOG BREATH but like.. now its a dog. thanks lili. 
> 
> anyways, i hope this was OK? semi-OK? im really tired, and i should write when im not practically falling asleep, but 1 AM is the only time i get to actually write, since i have loads of AP work now that they're like :-) a month away!!! so forgive me if these next couple of chapters are actually shit. 
> 
> last thing- i've never been kissed, so im not sure if how i wrote their kiss makes sense at all, and if it came out as awkward as it was meant to be. it was meant to be /really/ awkward


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100% inspired by that one picture of jenna and josh in which they had the same hair color (josh had like blueish green, and jenna dyed like one section of her hair the same color and it was great and adorable)

Although cleaning was never fun, and cleaning the _bathroom_ was even worse, Hayley found that cleaning while blaring music made the treacherous chore a lot less, well. Treacherous. So that’s what she was doing right now, scrubbing down the bathroom counter while dancing to “Boy Problems” by Carly Rae Jepson, AKA the guiltiest guilty pleasure song to ever exist. And being interrupted by her mother, or her sisters, would have been embarrassing, kind of, except for the fact that they were used to Hayley dancing and singing all the time. But having Jenna Black stare at her while she shook her shoulders and sang off-key? That was pretty fucking embarrassing

“Um, Hayley? Dear?” Hayley’s mother knocked on the  wall beside the bathroom, and Hayley turned to face her, before she paled. Jenna was gazing into the bathroom, standing next to her Mom, looking like a goddess. She was still wearing her church dress and her heels, and her hair was still styled in that fishtail braid ponytail whatever-the-fuck, and Hayley was currently sporting a soaked mewithoutYou tee-shirt and pajama shorts. It was like looking into a mirror, if that mirror was reversed.

“Jenna?!” Hayley cries, before scrambling to turn off the music. Jenna waves sheepishly behind Hayley’s mom, and her mother sighs “I was calling you, but your music was too loud. Your, uh, _friend_ came looking for you” Her mother only said “friend” that way, because… well, she wasn’t used to having Hayley having friends that weren’t Pete, or Patrick, or Josh. Hayley winced at it, praying that Jenna didn’t pick up on it.

“Sorry, mom” She says, before her mother gives her a reassuring glance and walks out. Jenna cleared her throat, fiddling with the straps on her pursue “I hope I’m not _interrupting_ anything, I just wanted to know if you could, uh, hang out. I wanted to talk to you about something”

Hayley blinked at her, set on being angry that Jenna came to her house looking like an angel sent from above, while she looked like a wet fish. But it was hard to be angry when Jenna looked like she was going to burst into tears any second now. Hayley sort of had a soft spot for crying people, because when people cried, she cried too. She just sighed “I mean, Josh is coming over in a couple of minutes so that we can dye our hair, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you hung out a bit” She gives her a small smile, before motioning to the single sink in the bathroom counter and the seat of the toilet “Welcome to my beauty salon”

Jenna steps into the crowded half-bath, and sits on the chair that Hayley set up in the corner “You can sit there, I usually leave it here because my little sister likes watching me bleach the shit outta Josh’s hair, but I think she’s taking a nap right now” And Jenna sits, slipping off her heels.

“I hate dyeing our hair in this bathroom, but my mom likes knowing that Josh and I aren’t, like, fucking. So she makes us dye our hair in here with the door open” She rolls her eyes, but smiles “She’s too much, seriously”

“At least you’re allowed to hang out with guys in your house?” Jenna offers, but Hayley shakes her head “It’s because they’re the only friends I have… anyways, you wanted to talk?” She leans against the bathroom counter as Jenna nods. “Yeah, I think I might have messed things up, really, really, bad”

Hayley raises her eyebrow “Define bad”

“Uh, well, Tyler kissed me-“ “Kiss?! What was it like, oh my god?!”

“You’ve never been kissed before?” Jenna asks, genuinely curious, and Hayley crosses her arms over her chest “Who would kiss me?”

“I mean, you’re adorable, who wouldn’t? And it was bad” Jenna says, before leaning her head against the wallpaper on the wall “It was so bad. And then he got really nervous, and then I said that he didn’t have to prove anything to me, in case that was his way of proving that he wasn’t gay-“ The sound of the doorbell ringing interrupts Jenna, and she slaps her hand to her forehead “God. I don’t want Josh to know” “You don’t have to necessarily tell him… just skip around it. Or I can call you?” Jenna shakes her head “I’ll just hang out… I told my Mom I’d be home a little late”

Hayley shrugs, and runs to get the door. Jenna studies the wallpaper, as she hears a dog barking and Josh say “Bro, what the hell happened to your shirt?!”

It’s still sort of insane that she’s spending time with these people _willingly,_ but they’re the only people who would really listen to her, so what else is she supposed to do?

“Jenna is here-“ “Jenna. Like, _Jenna Black_?” Josh asks, as Jenna bites on her lip- she can’t blame Josh for being surprised but it still feels awkward as fuck. “Geez, yell a little louder? And yeah, Jenna Black” “I’m just saying, I didn’t know you guys were friends” Jenna can hear the smile in Hayley’s voice as she whispers “Yeah, I didn’t either.”

They reach the bathroom, and a dog follows Josh in. Jenna immediately coos, because she loves dogs, and she leans down to pet it “This is Josh’s dog, DB” Jenna looks up to Josh and gives him an awkward “Um, hi”

“Hey” He says back, thinking about Tyler in his driveway not even 30 minutes ago, telling him about their kiss. It’s a little weird now, seeing the lipstick on Jenna that was probably on Tyler too, but he, obviously, doesn’t say much about it.

“Let me just change into a shirt that isn’t fucking dripping all over the goddamn place, I’ll be back” Hayley says, skipping off to her room, ignoring the “Hayley Williams, watch your language!” coming from her mom.

Josh has never been alone with Jenna before, especially not in this kind of a situation, so he’s sort of glad that DB decided to skip out on a nap and come with him to Hayley’s. It’s a great conversation starter, and it keeps them occupied for a while, which Josh couldn’t be more thankful for. Hayley finally comes back after what feels like forever, clad in a blue tank top and her black rimmed glasses “It’s my turn to go first” She says, grinning at Josh, and Josh rolls his eyes “Dammit”. DB runs out of the bathroom once he hears the sounds of Hayley's sisters screaming and playing, deciding that they'd be a lot more fun than a bunch of angsty teenagers

She sits on the toilet seat and stretches her legs out so that her toes rest on the side of the chair Jenna’s sitting on “We usually take turns” She pulls a towel (a towel that looks through it’s been through hell and back) around her neck and shoulders, and starts sectioning off her hair as Josh starts mixing dye in a bowl

The awkwardness in the bathroom can’t be stressed enough- Jenna’s almost positive that this is a bad idea, until Josh answers Hayley’s “Sooo… how is everyone?” with “I’m alright. Tyler came over today, but I mostly slept all day” He makes sure to look at Jenna as he says this, and Jenna turns to him “Tyler? When?”

“I don’t know, I found him sitting by my driveway around 4?” Jenna brings her hand to her forehead again, and groans “ _Fuck”_

“Why, when did he leave the church?” Josh asks, and Jenna says into her hands “How’d you know he was at church?” “Cause he told me”

Hayley glances between the both of them, as Josh starts applying the dye to her hair- it’s the normal fire-engine red that she’s so fond of. “Tyler told you?” She says, sort of hesitantly, and Josh nods “Yeah”

“So you know about…” “The kiss?” Hayley winces at Josh’s bluntness and Jenna makes a choked off noise in her throat “He told you that?!”

Josh begins massaging the dye into her hair, and he sighs “Kinda? I’m not sure if I was supposed to, like, tell anyone I know… but yeah. He told me”

“Drama” Hayley sing-songs, just to try to ease some of the tension of the room- it reminds her of Pete, and suddenly she wishes that Patrick and Pete were here. They would make the most out of this super awkward moment. Jenna gives Hayley a look, like ‘This is not the time’, and Hayley shuts up.

“Well, what else do you know?” “What else do _you_ know?”

“I have an idea… why don’t we let Tyler’s business be Tyler’s business?” Hayley suggests with a sarcastic tone, but Jenna just sighs “You don’t know, Hayley. God, he looks like he’s going to collapse under the stress of the rumors, the championship, and I just want to help him. He’s my best friend”

This sparks Josh’s attention- okay, so she knows about the rumors. He finishes massaging the dye into Hayley’s hair, and he pats her shoulder to let her know. Jenna stares at Hayley’s hair as Josh sits in her place, and Hayley sticks her tongue out at her playfully “I know it looks stupid, don’t judge me”

“I’m not! It just looked kinda cool, that’s all” She turns back to Josh the same time that Josh does it to her “So you know about the rumors. And you’re not like… I don’t know, threatening to burn him at the stake or something”

Jenna blinks at him, and Hayley hits him with a comb “Oh my God! Who are you, Pete?! What is this bluntness?!” Josh holds his hands up like he’s surrendering “Sorry! I just wanted to know because Tyler thought Jenna hated him”

“Wait, Tyler thinks that?” Jenna asks, suddenly feeling very small- that’s the _last_ thing she wanted. She wanted to let Tyler know that she was always there for him, that God would still love him because he was His child no matter what, she wanted Tyler to understand that he was loved, not think the opposite!

“Yeah, kinda… I mean, being gay is-“ He pauses for a second, afraid that he’s saying something he shouldn’t, but Jenna doesn’t seemed phased, so he continues “-not exactly, y’know. Every Christian’s dream. At all”

“So? I’m not gonna lose my friendship with Tyler over something that… like, God loves all of His children, you know? Yeah, Tyler is… sinning, but I wouldn’t drop him”

Hayley gives Jenna a thumbs up- improvement! Jenna smiles shyly at it, and watches as she mixes the bright blue hair dye in the bowl- it looks sort of tempting.

And even Josh is impressed- he didn’t expect Jenna to say something like that… at all. “I think you should talk to Tyler, Jenna. He’s, like, freaking the fuck out”

“I already tried calling him, and he won’t pick up, and I tried going to his house before I came here, but his Mom just kind of… like, glared at me” Jenna says in a quiet voice, before bringing her hands to her face yet again. “I messed everything up!” She cries in her hands, and Hayley rubs her back with her free hand “There, there, Jen. You’ll see him tomorrow, and explain everything to him. I promise, he’ll be there. Right Josh?”

Hayley digs her nails into Josh’s scalp, a silent “You better agree with me” and Josh nods through the pain “Right! Don’t worry, Jenna” Since Josh only dyes the middle part of his hair (since he shaves the sides), touching up his hair doesn’t take very long, as long as Hayley is super careful and doesn’t get blue all over his head. There’s still a little bit of dye left in the bowl, and Hayley goes to toss it out, but Jenna blurts “Wait!”

Hayley turns, and raises her eyebrows “Um… um…” Jenna stutters, eying the dye. Because it’s such a nice color, and her hair is already blonde and doesn’t need to be bleached, and her parents can’t say no after she’s already done it, right?

“Do you think you can dye my hair?” Jenna asks, as Hayley and Josh’s eyes both widen. Hair dye is sort of what _separates_ them from everyone else (well, that and Josh’s nose ring and his gauges, and Pete’s tattoo that he did himself).

“Wait, are you serious?” Hayley asks, as Jenna shrugs “It’s a really cute color, I don’t know. Am I being stupid? I’m being stupid”

“You’re not being stupid, and it’s not permanent, _but_ …” Hayley trails off, but Jenna already pulls out one of her hair ties.

“I mean, there’s only a little bit left, right? Maybe just a small section of my hair, that way my entire head doesn’t look like the Smurfs puked all over me” She glances at Josh “No offense”

She undoes the braids, and her now-wavy hair falls just to middle of her chest. Hayley takes a deep breath, before nodding “Listen, if your parents kill me-“

“They won’t- trust me” Josh steps away from the seat, and Jenna ties up the rest of her hair until it’s just a section of the right side of her hair left. She eyes the hair dye in Hayley’s hands, and nods “I want it, do it”

Hayley wraps another towel around Jenna’s neck and shoulder, and drops some of the dye into her hair, before she begins to massage it in. Jenna sighs as Hayley’s gloves work in the dye, and Josh watches on, feeling mega awkward. This is kind of erotic, not that he could get, like, hard from it, but… it’s still weird.

It only takes Hayley a couple of minutes, but she fucking dyed _Jenna Black’s_ hair, which is insane on so many levels. Jenna gets up from the seat and she looks into the mirror, at the wet strand of blue hair that still has to set in, but she feels sort of satisfied, and different, and it’s almost… symbolical in a way she can’t understand yet. Josh and Hayley grin at her like she’s some sort of badass, and it’s _great_

“So, do you wanna stay for dinner while your hair sets? I think my mom made spaghetti” Hayley says, as Jenna nods- she’d really like that.

On her way out of the bathroom, a single drop of dye drips onto her white dress- she looks down on it and finds her symbolic metaphor, thinks about how this is like a _sign_ that she’s going against the church, soiling her beliefs, and going against the norm, and it should bother her more than it does, but then Hayley’s mom brings out dinner, and suddenly… none of it seems like that big of a deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey... i hate myself... hey uma why didnt u FUCKEININH wait to post this chapter when you know that you procrastinate on writing and you could have saved this for when u had nothing to post???!!!!??!?
> 
> ANYWAYS i thought of this when i saw a picture of goddess jenna with that one blue section in her hair and i proceeded to think about it for the entire school day so then i had to write it all out before i lost that inspiration. i mean i know that i shouldnt be apologizing for posting something early but like. idk. and tyler's not even in this idk why i even posted this but i felt like i needed it out of my system also i really ship hayley and jenna and i DONT WANNA WRITE IT BECAUSE ITS SO UNREALISTIC but this is fiction like it can be as unrealistic as i want it to be but :|
> 
> also- i've never dyed my hair since my hair is black and my mom refuses to let me bleach it, so i got directions from wiki-how. sorry if they dyed their hair wrong! 
> 
> also- i REALLY miss writing p & p even tho they've only been gone for 2 chapters so im gonna write loads of peterick next chapter to make up for it. 
> 
> (wait one more thing)- i kind of write everyone the way that i talk with my friends? meaning that we go off topic every .002 seconds and use lots of "ums" "i dont know" "uh" etc. etc. so sorry if that's like idk turning anyone off. also... kudos to you if you read my authors notes cause its just me rambling ://////////////


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so a while back ao3 user CaseOpen_CaseShut left a comment and it kinda inspired the peterick + jenna in this chapter? so THANKS AO3 USER CASEOPEN_CASESHUT FOR THE HELP <333

Tyler had lots of false hope- he was still clinging to the notion that he was straight (holding on very tightly, but holding on still) afterall. But even he knew that he wouldn’t be able to just stroll back into his house without explaining himself, and where he was for 3 hours when he was supposed to be in church.

So, when he walked back into his house, sweating from running the whole way there, he expected his mother’s “Young man, where were you?” from a mile away. She stood in the kitchen, a hand propped on her elbow, still wearing her church clothes. Tyler’s still wearing his church clothes too (it’s not like he had much of a choice), which makes it 100% harder to lie.

“God forgive me” He prays silently in his head, before he begins his lie. “I’m so sorry Mom, my phone died so I couldn’t call you. I know it was wrong, but Mark texted me and asked me if I wanted to practice at the courts, you can ask his Mom. And I didn’t want to bother you, ma’am, so I decided I’d call you back with Mark’s phone. But Mark left his phone at home, and I was going to come back, but then I saw the basketballs and I was tempted. I know it was stupid but…” He says, sounding sincere enough.

But what really happened was along the lines of…

_“Mark! Mark!” Tyler called out to the figure at the courts. Mark was one of the only guys from the basketball team that Tyler sort of liked- He was kind of easy to talk to, when he wasn’t talking about “destroying the pussy game” (yes, they were still on that). Tyler also knew that Mark practiced basketball over the weekends when he didn’t have time to do so during the weekdays, a fact that he’d never been more thankful for_

_“Tyler? Shit, is that you?” Mark stopped dribbling his basketball and turned to wave at Tyler, who was still running towards him “I need a really big favor!” Tyler called out, before eventually stopping when he was at the basketball courts, at the park. He used to have such fond memories of this place, back when he used to play basketball for fun. Back when he had a relatively normal life_

_“Listen, I’m done giving people free samples of my cousin’s weed so if it’s about-“ Mark begins to say, before Tyler sighs exasperatedly “It’s not about weed”_

_“Then what’s it about?” Mark asks, before passing the ball to Tyler. Tyler catches it, and starts dribbling, just by reflex “Also, you look real fancy. Did you come back from church or something?”_

_“Uh, actually…” Tyler begins to say, before he jumps into his lie “that’s what my favor has to do with. I kind of bailed on church-“ “You? Bailed on church? I thought you were a Jesus freak”_

_Tyler, once again, blinks at Mark. **Jesus freak**? “Well, I love Jesus, but yeah I bailed on church… and I went to Jenna’s”_

_Now, Tyler was expecting some lewd comment from Mark, but he wasn’t expecting “FUCK YEAAAAAHH! TYLER JOSEPH DESTROYING THE PUSSY GAME! YOU FUCK HER OR WHAT?!”_

_“No! We just, y’know… hung out” “Oh, she just blew you, then?” “ **No**. We were just hanging out, I swear! But I bailed on church, and you know how strict my parents are, right?” Tyler asks, as Mark nods. “Well the favor I wanted to ask is if you could kinda… like, lie for me? Like, when you go home, tell your mom I was with you the whole time, just in case my mom calls your mom? I think she’s onto Jenna and I and I don’t want her knowing… yet” Tyler says, ignoring ‘Blurryface’ screaming at him that lying was a sin._

_“Bro” Mark begins to say, before bringing Tyler in for a hug “I’d be honored to lie for you, bro. I love ya, no homo”_

_“No homo” Tyler says back, until ‘Blurryface’ takes a break from screaming to giggle- the change was so sudden and it sent chills up Tyler’s spine. ‘Blurryface’ hissed “Are you **sure** about that, Tyler?” _

Tyler’s mother pursed her lips “You played basketball in your church clothes?” and Tyler nods “Yes, Mom. We got caught up talking, and I kind of didn’t realize” He laughs nervously, but thankfully Tyler’s mother doesn’t really pay attention to her kids that well, not enough to pick up on that. She studies Tyler for a moment “Well, you are sweating… and you look pretty exhausted”

‘Blurryface’ rolls his eyes “ _God, she’s so fucking dumb. Now I know where you got it from_ ”

And Tyler was mostly exhausted from the draining day he just had, what with kissing Jenna, and explaining practically all of his mental issues and the replica who lives in his head to _Joshua Dun_ , so he didn’t even refute “Yeah, I’m pretty tired” He says, before pretending to smother a yawn

“Why don’t you go upstairs and take a nap? And when you wake up you can do your 500 baskets and eat dinner, alright?” His mother says sweetly, before patting Tyler’s cheek lovingly “I love you, Tyler. You know I only want the best for you”

It’s pretty pathetic, and pretty skewed, and pretty unsettling that she could say those words to Tyler and, for the most part, mean it, considering the hell she puts Tyler through daily. But Tyler doesn’t know better, doesn’t know the abuse he’s facing. He just lied to his mother, the woman who brought him into his world, and he just _disrespected_ her.

“ _Are you fucking serious_?” ‘Blurryface’ snickers, as tears begin to prick at Tyler’s eyes. “ _You’re the one who started this mess in the first place, you don’t deserve to feel guilty_ ” Tyler wipes angrily at the tears forming in his eyes, and when he gets to his room, he climbs into his bed and buries himself in the comforters, and begins to pray for forgiveness

* * *

Pete and Patrick hardly ever fight. Ever. It’s just one of those things, Pete and Patrick don’t fight, because they’re Pete and Patrick, and they don’t fight. It’s like 2+2=4, you know?

So, when they do fight, everything feels wrong with the universe. When Patrick walks into school on Monday morning without Pete by his side, and his jaw set, Hayley and Josh automatically sense that something’s wrong

“Oh fuck, what happened?” Hayley asks, as Patrick rolls his eyes “I don’t wanna talk about it”

“Come on. We all know you and Pete are gonna make up in 4 periods and make out in the music lab. What’d you do?” Josh asks, which was clearly the wrong thing to say, because Patrick puts up his defenses, and glares behind his glasses “Why do you assume it’s always me?!”

Josh holds his hands up to surrender “Sorry!” and Patrick crosses his arms over his binder, a universal sign that he’s going to start ranting “Pete’s just projecting his anger towards his parents on me”

“Yeah, but that’s what Pete _does_ ” Hayley says, because it’s sort of true. It’s not his fault, Pete just doesn’t know what to do with himself when he can’t fill his notebooks up with angry lyrics and poems.

“But it’s not right. I don’t deserve to get yelled at on the phone for trying to cheer him up” Patrick says, before frowning “It all started when I said that thing about Tyler not having real problems-“ “Oh, buddy, _trust me_. Tyler’s got some deep shit going on”

“How the fuck am I supposed to know that? Tyler’s the fucking basketball captain, what kind of fucking problems could he possibly have?” Now it’s Hayley’s turn to glare at Patrick “First of all, everyone has problems, even people who seem like they have it all. Second of all, stop yelling, we’re trying to help. You’re mad that Pete’s lashing out on you when you’re doing the exact same thing to us” Josh nods next to her “Truth!”

And since Patrick doesn’t necessarily like being wrong, he just clutches his binder closer to his chest “Whatever. I’m going to class” and then he storms off in the other direction, shoving headphones into his ears.

Hayley and Josh blink at each other, before laughing awkwardly “Mondays mornings are great, aren’t they?” “Totally”

* * *

“Dude, did you see what your girl did with her hair?” Mark approaches Tyler when he walks up to the school, and Tyler pops a headphone out “What?”

“Did you see what Jenna did? The entire school is freaking out!” He says, as Tyler shakes his head slowly. Jenna? He’s not sure what Jenna would do, considering Jenna is the purest form of pure, and she keeps up with the norm, and she’d never do something drastic and crazy. She’d never do something like Josh and, for example, dye her hair

“She dyed part of her hair blue! Just like those… just like the freaks!” Mark says, and Tyler freezes

Okay, never mind

“She did what?!” He doesn’t mean to scream, but that’s sort of crazy. And bound to be a rumor “You heard me, she dyed her fucking hair! The entire cheer team is going nuts, holy shit”

“Are you sure?” Tyler asks, struggling to even visualize Jenna dyeing her own hair, or going to a salon to get it done. Jenna’s… Jenna’s the girl in the white dress and the braids, and the pink lipgloss, she’s not… Hayley Williams, who wears those ridiculous band tee-shirts and dyes her hair artificial red

“Well, you’ll see it the next time you guys hang out” Mark winks at him, nudging Tyler in the ribs. Tyler winces as some of Mark’s friends call him, and Mark says “Good luck, man. I blame that lesbo Hayley Williams for this” He rolls his eyes but then says teasingly “Hope that fag doesn’t get your girl before you do. Later!”

Suddenly, Tyler decides he doesn’t like Mark very much anymore.

It’s a couple of periods later when Tyler finally sees the color in Jenna’s hair. She looks like she wants to crawl into a hole and die, because everyone has been giving her backhanded compliments like “I can’t imagine why you’d want to do it… but it looks nice, I guess”, but she looks across the room and spots Hayley. She’s sitting with Josh, who’s hair looks so much like hers that it’s becoming obvious that her and Josh have the same color in their hair. Josh and Hayley look over to Jenna, and they give her a thumbs up each, and Hayley mouths “You look really cute!” and Jenna gives them a shy smile, before going back to copying her notes.

And it _did_ look cute- the blue complimented her eyes so well, so well that her parents couldn’t even be that mad at her. Sure, they were pissed as hell, but the hair complimented her, and she could always pin up her hair in a certain way that it wouldn’t show (something she was considering doing all day until Hayley said that she looked good). Even Tyler had to admit that it looked nice, from the back of the room. He didn’t say anything to Jenna, unsure how to start talking to her since he, y’know, yelled at her yesterday right after he planted a kiss on her, but it looked nice.  And Tyler continued to stare at her hair, until he came to the striking realization, 30 minutes later, that it was the same exact color as Josh’s hair.

Josh and Jenna? Tyler’s heart began to beat faster- did Josh tell Jenna what he told him? Did Jenna say anything to Josh? Were they friends? Were they doing this as one huge elaborate prank?

While Tyler was silently freaking out in the back of the room, Patrick and Pete were making real efforts not to look at each other- which was hard, because they sat right next to each other. Pete taps nervously on his thigh the entire period, something that Patrick noticed immediately because he knows Pete better than Pete knows Pete, but he just slides back further in his seat and thinks about angry music the entire period.

The tension in the room, between Pete and Patrick and Jenna and Tyler, is so thick it could be cut by a knife, but life carries on as it always does. Pete runs out of the room when the bell rings, and Patrick marches off to the Music Lab, and Jenna leaves after him, not even glancing behind her shoulder to wave to Tyler. And Tyler, he’s mostly hungry.

* * *

Now that Jenna was avoiding Tyler, and the entire cheerleading team was currently shunning her (something so ridiculous, considering she dyed a portion of her hair), so she did the next best thing. Bring her lunch up to the Music Lab.

It was kind of odd, considering that Jenna was never used to people _not_ wanting to talk to her, or _not_ wanting to be seen with her. And that all changed because of her _hair,_ just a little piece of dyed hair. But it was more than that, everyone else saw it as “She’s turning into one of them” which, okay, was kind of true… but still. She felt like an outsider in a place that she actually felt somewhat comfortable in. She was acquaintances with what felt like the entire school, yet she was going to eat lunch alone.

She carries her styrofoam plate with one hand, and she opens the door to the Music Lab with the other, but she’s not the only one who decided to vent out their rage in the Music Lab

Patrick was sitting in the same plastic chair he always does, his headphones in, and a guitar in his hands. He strums out angry chords, and the sound makes Jenna wince a little. The amp is plugged in, but since the room is sound-proofed, she didn’t really expect it to be so… loud. Patrick notices her from the doorway, and he pauses the song he’s recording to look up at her.

“Don’t you have class?” Jenna asks him, and he pulls the headphones out to shrug “Yeah, but it’s whatever” She raises her eyebrow, and Patrick pulls his glasses out and rubs the bridge of his nose “I sit next to Pete in that class, and we’re sort of fighting right now. I guess, I don’t know” He scoffs to himself “I don’t know why I’m telling you this considering you despise me and Pete dating but-“ “Not necessarily… can I sit?” Patrick looks hesitant, but he nods nonetheless, so Jenna sits next to him.

“I’ve been trying to… figure things out” She says, twirling one of the blue strands with her finger. Patrick glances at it when he says “Figure things out?”

“Yeah. It has to do with something personal, but I’m trying to become… a less ignorant person. I guess? I’m trying to understand this better” She explains, before pushing her plate of cafeteria chicken popcorn between the two of them. “Want some?” Patrick shrugs, popping one in his mouth as Jenna continues “I don’t know. I’ve been talking with Hayley a lot, I just want to understand it. Because everyone tells me it’s wrong, but it can’t be wrong if God put gay people on Earth, right? Like if it was really that bad, then God wouldn’t have created like… created gay thoughts in people’s minds, right?” She waits for Patrick to agree, and Patrick nods slowly “Uh… sure?”

“Exactly! I don’t know, I just figure since everyone wants to hate me since I asked Hayley to dye some of my hair, I shouldn’t go fucking things up with the one guy who is my friend just because he might be gay. Even though Tyler isn’t talking to me right now” Patrick blinks at her, and Jenna runs what she just said through her head before cursing “Oh God, please forgive me. I can’t keep things secret for my _life_ ”

Patrick gives her a sympathetic look “It’s alright, I won’t tell anyone” “Josh and Hayley already know, you might as well tell Pete” “Yeah, maybe if we ever talk again”

He’s exaggerating, but it’s so hard to mend things when they’re broken. Or, like, cracked. Patrick’s not sure he could really break up with Pete, Pete’s sort of his soulmate, even when they argue. “Oh, come on, you’re just exaggerating. You guys really care for each other, I’m sure you both were having a bad day. Just apologize”

“But it’s not my fault” He complains “Plus, I’m already mad at him, and I’m kind of stubborn, you know? I don’t like admitting I’m wrong”

Jenna shrugs “But if you don’t say anything to him, then things will never get better. That’s why I’m going to talk to Tyler later, even though what happened between us wasn’t my fault” Technically, the problem between her and Tyler was both of their faults, but Jenna didn’t really see it that way “because it’s not worth it, losing something special because you’re stubborn” She pauses for a second “Like, I’ve heard some of the love songs you’ve written together. Like sure, I tried to erase them from my head because that’s when I was 100% convinced you guys were going to hell-“ “Reassuring!” “-but they’re, like, _so_ sweet. Everyone can tell that you guys are into each other”

“I guess” He says, smiling a little to himself, just thinking about Pete. Pete’s kind of his muse (and Patrick’s Pete’s muse… it’s like mutual muse-ness). “See! Just talk to him, man” She smiles “We’re not so different, Patrick”

And Patrick never thought he’d like hearing the words “We’re not so different” coming from Jenna, but she’s actually not so bad when she’s not telling him that he’s going to burn in hell.

They sit in silence for a good minute or so, until Jenna clears her throat “Since we have an entire period, want to work on our song? Now that things aren’t _that_ awkward between us, anyways…” and Patrick nods “Yeah, that’d be cool. It’d be awesome to like… have something”

* * *

“Is this seat taken?” Patrick asks, although his voice is tinged with sadness. Pete looks up from reading his book and he glances at Patrick before looking back at the empty seat across from him “No” He says quietly, before burying his head back in his book

They’re sitting in the library, instead of the cafeteria. Patrick knew that Pete wouldn’t want to sit in the cafeteria if Patrick was going to ignore him the whole time, and Pete loved reading, so he chose the next best place. The library is warm, comforting, something that is odd in their school, and generally empty. No one really likes hanging out in the library, considering the fact that they have to whisper, or get kicked out

Patrick sits down and he looks at Pete. Pete’s sort of the most beautiful person Patrick’s ever met in his life, and just watching him do something like read makes him fall in love all over again “I’m sorry for being an asshole” He whispers, staring at the back of the cover of the book Pete’s reading. He’s reading The Great Gatsby for the millionth time, and Patrick knows it’s his comfort novel. Pete looks over the top of the book, raising his eyebrows. "You are?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry for… for not being there when you needed me, you know? I know that you have a hard time with your parents and I just didn’t even, like, help you, I just got mad at you, and I shouldn’t have done that. You know how, like, irritable I get” He laughs nervously “And then on Saturday, I was being stupid. I was just mad that like... I don’t know. Jocks don’t deserve to have problems, they don’t deserve my sympathy… they make us feel like shit, I don’t have to feel sorry for any of them… but everyone has shit to deal with, even goddamn Jenna Black and Tyler Joseph, I don’t know, I just…” He trails off, shaking his head “I don’t know. But I’m sorry, and I miss you, and I love you, I love your voice and your stupid horse laughter, and I miss, like, holding your hand and shit” Patrick’s not good at the romantic stuff, that’s 100% Pete, but he tries enough.

Pete puts down his book and he smiles shyly at Patrick “That was really cute...  _You’re_ really cute... and I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t yell at you because I’m mad at my dumb as shit parents, you definitely don’t deserve that. And I know what you mean, I’m just kinda sensitive to that mental health whatever” He says, as Patrick laughs “Mental health whatever?” “You know what I mean” Pete sticks his tongue out at him “I just mean that like... anyone can have mental problems, it’s not just because you’re gay, and you have shitty parents, you have problems” Pete shrugs, leaning across the table “But I don’t wanna talk about our fight anymore. I just wanna kiss you”

Patrick rolls his eyes playfully, but then asks seriously “So, we’re okay? Are you sure?” Pete nods, grabbing his books “Totally. Come on, let’s go to lunch”

Patrick puts his book bag back on, and when Pete walks around the table to meet him, one hand stretched out, Patrick takes his hand in his, and they walk out of the library together “You know, I took advice from Jenna today?” Patrick says, and Pete’s eyes widen slightly “For real?” “For real. I was like ‘hell must be freezing over’” Patrick giggles, embarrassingly, but Pete just stops in the middle of the hallway to cup Patrick’s face with his hands, before kissing him softy “I really missed you” and Patrick smiles into it, whispering “Yeah, me too"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what direction IS this fic headed in? stay tuned to be more confused :/ idk what's even happening anymore but im just gonna go w the flow lol. i might not update for a little bit, since i have my APs in 2 weeks, so hopefully i left it on an okay note? i jsut mostly wanted to write peterick for self-indulgent reasons but i tried to draw Parallels(tm) to make this seem way more advanced than it truly is :}
> 
> also thank you so much for 300+ kudos?! im genuinely serious when i say that i dont think i deserve all the love you guys give this fic BUT it doesnt mean im not 100000% thankful :( i had a shitty weekend and it sounds so lame but i reread some of the super nice comments you guys left and it was like "hey uma... ur not THAT much of a trashcan... like ur a trashcan but a trashcan who can apparently write a good fanfic" so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU<3 
> 
> also to my taco bell enthusiast friend- im genuinely broke i have $2 because i keep spending the spare change i find around my house on coffee BUT im hoping that i get 2 buy some taco bell next week :'( heres 2 hoping!
> 
> one last thing... happy 4/20 :-)))) 500baskets!josh is probably losing his shit right now RIP


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a filler chapter? idk? i curse myself for not planning this out better every single day lol

“This is kind of a weird question” Jenna begins to say, in a whisper. She’s not exactly sure why, because only Pete and Patrick are in the room, and it’s not like she’d invite them to church with her… but still. Hayley blinks at her, waiting for her to continue “I don’t mind weird questions”

“Well, you know how the dance is this Saturday?” Jenna asks, nervously pulling the strand of blue hair behind her ears. “Uh huh” “Well… I mean, like, after, if you’re not doing anything do you wanna like… maybe come over for a sleepover? And then, like, you can come with me to church on Sunday. If you want, obviously”

This is so dumb- Jenna’s a freaking cheerleader (Albeit a cheerleader that’s currently being ‘shunned’ by the team, although she’s the only one who can hold a handstand for more than 3 seconds) and Hayley is, well, _Hayley_ , yet she’s so nervous to ask her.

And it’s not even the nervousness of having someone bisexual sleeping next to her, kinda, and it’s not even Jenna being wary that Hayley would stand up in the middle of the service and start praising Satan, she just didn’t want Hayley to say no. Talking to Hayley was kind of freeing in a way that talking to her other friends wasn’t- not to say the cliché “she’s different than other girls” but… she was a lot less ignorant than a lot of girls, and if Jenna was going to start thinking differently, then shouldn’t she surround herself with different people?

“Church?” Hayley asks, a little stunned. But the word ‘sleepover’ echoes in her head- sleepover? She’s never had a sleepover with someone that wasn’t one of her sisters, and even then, the three of them just mostly watch Food Network and fall asleep eating pretzels.

“I mean you can say no… It’s just that, like, church is really important to me. And plus, I get up really early to go to church, and I wouldn’t wanna just kick you out of my house at 8 AM without breakfast, or anything” She gives her a small smile “We always stop by Dunkin Donuts before church, and we get coffee and donuts. It’s a lot of fun”

Pete and Patrick, who are sitting about 8 feet away from them, exchange glances. Hayley and Jenna? Going to church? Together?

“I mean I’d have to ask my mom first” Hayley says, before grinning “But that sounds kinda fun. I’ve never had a sleepover before”

“You’ve never been to a sleepover?!” Jenna gasps, before giving Patrick an apologetic look when he turns around at the noise. Pete stifles a laugh, and he whispers to Patrick “I bet you 10 bucks they’re gonna hook up. The sexual tension could be cut by a knife, man”

And Patrick rolls his eyes and whispers back “I’m not betting on my friend’s sex life, idiot”

“Not necessarily” Hayley says, to Jenna. “Like, my sisters sometimes raid my room and hang out with me, but not with a friend. My mom is sort of against the whole “boys sleeping in Hayley’s room” thing”

Jenna awws at that, “That’s so cute, though! Don’t worry, we can watch a movie and order a pizza or something-“ “Did you say pizza?” Pete asks, before looking over to Patrick “Babe. We should get some pizza”

“Ignore him” Hayley says, loud enough for Pete to hear, and she makes a face at him when he flips her off, and Jenna laughs “Just let me know what your mom says, okay?”

“Alright” She gives Jenna a thumbs up, and then turns her attention back to Pete “Also, fuck you, because now I’m craving pizza” “That’s so not my fault! Jenna brought it up” Pete whines, and Jenna holds her hands up to surrender “I didn’t know!”

“How about we just get pizza after we finish working on our songs… which we haven’t started… at all” Patrick offers, motioning to the computers. The computer Patrick was using was open on GarageBand, but the computer Pete was using was open on Tumblr. Pete reaches over to pinch Patrick’s cheek, much to his dismay “I love when you get all passive aggressive”

* * *

“Uh, hi Dad” Tyler says, bringing one hand up to his mouth to bite at his nails. The other hand clutches his phone and presses it against his ear, and he rehearses what he’s going to say to his father in his head.

He knew this was going to be a bad idea. There’s nothing good with having to stay after school for another couple of hours to work on a project when you’re Tyler Joseph and you have to shoot 500 baskets to _eat dinner_. His legs ached from running laps earlier in practice, and he was generally exhausted from a whole day at school, and food seemed really good. _Really good_. But Josh was… Josh? He came up to Tyler and said he had a new idea, and he smiled really wide, and he was waiting in the Lab with some sandwiches that his mom made, or something, and Tyler wanted nothing more than to just relax and, uh, not shoot more baskets than he already did

“Yes, Tyler?” His father says, on the other line, and Tyler takes a deep breath “Um… I, uh, I have to stay after school again. We’re still working on the project and-“

“And you’re not going to shoot your baskets for the day” Chris says for him, and Tyler winces. “It’s for school, and-“

“Jesus Christ, Tyler! For all that your mother and I fucking do for you, we provide you with a home and shelter and you can’t do the one thing we ask of you!” His father begins to say, and Tyler chews on his bottom lip, his eyes trained on the floor. He hates when his dad curses at him, but he guesses he’s right to do it- Tyler is disappointing him, after all.

“If you don’t get that scholarship because of this-“ “I’m not! I’ll practice harder on the weekends, I promise, I swear to God-“

He inhales sharply, knowing very well he probably shouldn’t swear on God. “I mean…” He tries to cover it up with anything, but then his father says “We’ll talk when you get home” and hangs up promptly.

“ _Someone’s mad_ ” ‘Blurryface’ notes, and Tyler sighs. _Yeah_.

He figures that he deserves whatever is coming to him, he swore on God, that’s like… worse than cursing his parents out. He just shoves his phone back in his pocket, and opens the door to the Music Lab where Josh was currently working

“Hey sorry, that was my dad” He grumbles under his breath, before sitting by the free computer

“That’s cool.  Anyways, as I was asking, want a sandwich?” He points to the plate of sandwiches that he brought “My mom made them before I left”

“ _You don’t deserve to eat, you’re disobeying your parents!_ ” ‘Blurryface’ cries at him, but Tyler reaches for one of the sandwiches and takes it anyways- ‘Blurryface’ would probably coax him to throw it up later, so what really was the point?

“Thanks” He says quietly, and Josh clears his throat “So, uh… what is your dad like?”

“My dad? I don’t know. Strict, I guess” Tyler says, in between bites “He makes me do this thing… I don’t know, what about your dad?”

He’s not sure if he should tell Josh about the baskets yet- he already told him about ‘Blurryface’, why should he divulge more?

“He’s okay… he’s kinda old” Josh says, grinning “He’s awesome, though. He’s letting me borrow his car to drive to the dance since I got my license” He waits a second, and then asks “How are you getting to the dance?”

The dance. Tyler shrugs “I don’t know yet. My mom might take me, but"

“Do you think it’s gonna be fun?” Josh asks, just to keep their conversation going. The last time he had a full length conversation with Tyler, it was mostly really sad, and he wanted to hug Tyler and punch ‘Blurryface’, or whatever he called that darkness inside of him. But this is alright, no matter how awkward it is.

“I’ve never really been to, like, a party before” Tyler says, and Josh’s eyebrows raise “Wait, aren’t you on the basketball team? Aren’t you the basketball captain?”

“Yeah…” Tyler says, before reaching for another sandwich instinctively “But my parents don’t let me go to the parties”

“At all?” “Not really… I mostly go home and study, or shoot baskets” He laughs nervously “Or I write poetry, and practice the piano. I’m kind of boring”

“You’re not boring” Josh dismisses him “It’s just… I don’t know, you’re just not what I expected”

“What you expected?” Tyler makes a face at Josh as he chews on his sandwich, but it’s not mean or anything, it’s almost playful

And Tyler isn’t what Josh expected… at all. Here Josh was, thinking that Tyler was the kind of guy that went to parties and got to have the typical high school experience that everyone else seemed to have. He expected Tyler Joseph to have grown up stuck up, and expecting the world at his fingertips, and being a douche-bag but he wasn’t. He was, like, nerdy, and he liked writing poetry and practicing his piano. 

“I just… I don’t know. I thought you went to parties all the time” He confesses, and Tyler shakes his head “Stereotype much?” “ _Dude_ ”

“I don’t know… my Dad doesn’t really let me go anywhere” He says, finishing his second sandwich. “But he’s letting me go to the dance, which is nice. He’s just doing it to dismiss any… uhm… gay rumors, though”

There’s an awkward pause- right. The gay rumors. Josh hadn’t forgotten about it, that small voice screaming “Tyler Joseph doesn’t think he’s as straight as everyone else does!”. But still, it didn’t feel right for him to bring it up, you know? That was for Tyler to bring up.

“Right… do you wanna talk about it? Or something? We can talk about it, if you want” Josh bites on his bottom lip “Granted, Patrick is a lot more wise and gives better advice, but…”

“I don’t want to talk about it” Tyler says, almost instantly. Josh looks at him, and Tyler looks back, almost frightened, but mostly confused. “I just… I was being stupid. I think”

“If you don’t wanna-“ “I mean, do I think about guys? Occasionally. But I don’t like…” He looks at the wall directly behind Josh’s head as he says this “ _think_ about them”

“Like, sexually?” Josh asks, and Tyler winces “Yeah, that. But I don’t really think about anyone that way”

“Maybe you’re asexual” Josh offers, and Tyler looks at him like he’s got four eyes “A sexual?”

“Like, y’know. _Asexual_. Like, you don’t have a desire to have sex, or like you don't feel sexual attraction”

Tyler blinks at Josh. Huh. He’s never really thought about that before… or at all. “But… everyone wants to have sex, don’t they?” He really hates that word, but he says it anyways “That’s why God created us, to reproduce”

“I mean, maybe, but if you don’t like thinking about sex, then maybe you’re asexual. You’d have to ask Patrick, again, he’s always yelling at people on Tumblr-“ “Tumblr?” “-about different sexualities, but yeah. I mean, you can still be gay, and asexual… I think. Don't quote me on that, or anything”

Tyler still looks at Josh in awe- this is a lot to process. He just wants to be straight, so that his parents will love him, and here Josh is, throwing a million different terms at him. It’s kind of ironic, because Tyler’s so smart, and he’s inevitably going to pass the SATs with flying colors, yet he’s so clueless when he comes to sexuality and gender, and everything that could be considered controversial.

“Um, alright” He says, “I’ll, like, look it up or something. I just don’t want to go to Hell” He brings his hand to his mouth again, to chew on his nails, and says “’Blurryface’ keeps telling me I’m going to go there, and I believe him, you know? It’s like, I think I’m gay, and I keep displeasing my parents, and they hate me, and I’m going to go to Hell”

“Hell doesn’t-“ “Just because you don’t believe in Hell doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist” Tyler says before Josh could finish his sentence, and Josh flinches “Sorry. I just think that, like, if God made you this way, then there’s no way he can send you to Hell. Because he made you like this”

“That’s not how it works” Tyler says, and Josh crosses his arms “Then _how_ does it work?”

“If you decide to go on a murder spree, you don’t go to heaven because God made you do that. You _chose_ to do that” “Yeah, and you don’t _choose_ to be gay”

Tyler gives Josh an odd look, and Josh takes a deep breath before saying “Do you think anyone really chooses this? Like, when people call us all of those names in the hallway, do you think we like that? And, like, tons of gay people get murdered everyday just for being gay. Plus, Pete sometimes jokes that he loves suffering, but Pete totally doesn’t love suffering, Pete hated himself for this for the longest time, it’s not something he chose. Because then he probably wouldn’t have chosen this” He sighs “Does that make sense? It’s not a choice, it’s just what you are”

Tyler doesn’t say anything about the subject matter after that, he just grabs another sandwich “Um… can we go over the song?”

Because he’s going to need a lot of time to process that. Because Josh is wrong, Josh _has_ to be wrong. Why would his parents hate gay people, if they couldn’t help it? Why would the church go on and on about how homosexuality was a sin, if that’s the way they were born, if that’s the way that God created them? Josh makes sense, but Tyler’s not sure whether he should listen to what Josh says, versus what people have been telling him all of his life. Even if Josh is super cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so i kno this is really bad but JGDJKD please... i have my AP today (since im posting this at 1 in the morning) but i wanted to update because i have testing all throughout this week and next week and i probably wont write for that time? im sorry :( but like instead of leaving you guys w something good i left you guys with this jkjskfjkdf ok im very sorry im sjfjdkjg. i can't write mad parents for my life either, only cause when my dad yells at me i mostly block it out? im like "lol ok" in my head but i doubt tyler would go like "lol ok" in his head so... idk! 
> 
> ANYWAYS- i added something new to the relationship tag :-) it'd be kinda dumb not to make henna (jeyley?) happen cause like... im setting up this gay af sleepover and ive p much hyped it up ALSO... i kind of like hayley and jenna a lot more than tyler and josh... :/ but i hope this was okay! i've been listening to a lot of self titled so that's been inspiring me! no offense but taxi cab didnt have to go as hard as it did
> 
> also this is really long but- OK you know that part in "taxi cab" and it goes like "and if im not there and im far away" but it's the second time yeah THAT PART KILLS ME SKFJIJKGMKRGMK ik that's oddly specific but


	13. Chapter 13

So, Jenna’s not really sure why she’s standing in front of Tyler Joseph’s house at 8 in the evening, but she is. She sort of has a bad habit with showing up unannounced, but she had an epiphany, so to say, while walking home with Hayley, and she _needed_ to talk to Tyler

It was one of the days where they weren’t working on the project, so Tyler was still outside shooting his baskets. Thankfully, Jenna has pretty good timing and catches Tyler at the tail end of the baskets. It’s a little odd, kind of, the way that she sort of just waits for him to notice her, but they’ve been friends for long enough for it to mostly be sad.

“500!” He shouts after another couple of shots, out of breath, and his body sags forward. But he’s taking deep, deep breaths, smiling to himself, before he spots a flash of blue from the corner of his eye. He turns to look at where it’s coming from, and he’s suddenly met with Jenna watching him from the gate leading to the backyard.

“You did 500 of those? Yeah, right” Jenna tries to tease him, although she’s nervous- it doesn’t really work because Tyler jumps at the sound of her voice “Jenna? What’re you doing here?”

“I wanted- no, I _have_ to talk to you” She says, one hand on the gate. “Can I come in?”

“Jenna…” Tyler begins to say, before glancing at the back door. He just barely see his mother smiling sweetly at him, knows that she’s going to come out and see Jenna any second now. “I don’t think this is a good time”

“Tyler, please” Jenna says, a little hysterical “If I don’t say these things right now, I’m going to explode, and it’ll only take me, like, 10 minutes and then I’ll go, I just-“

It’s like one of those things where you work up the energy and the determination to do something, but after a while that energy and determination goes away. So if Jenna doesn’t get this out right now, she probably never will

“Jenna? Dear?” The sliding glass door leading into the house, and out to the backyard, slides open, and Jenna’s eyes widen “Shit” Tyler mutters under his breath, bringing a hand up to his forehead “Jenna was just leaving-“ He tries to say, and Jenna blurts out “Hi, Mrs. Joseph! I just wanted to tell Ty something, I’ll be on my way-“

“Well, why don’t you stay for dinner? You haven’t come over in quite a while, I’m sure my husband won’t mind” She says, walking towards the two of them. She places a hand on Tyler’s shoulder, and Tyler almost shrugs away from the touch. But he ends up just looking down at his feet, and he can hear the smile in Jenna’s voice as she says “You know what? I’d love that. I just have to call my mom”

“I’ll go set up a plate then” She walks away, and Jenna lets herself into the backyard “Geez, Tyler, don’t look so excited, huh?” She says, and Tyler narrows his eyes “What, are we going to talk about my sexuality over _dinner_? With my _parents_?” He asks, and Jenna crosses her arms “No! Just when you walk me home” She gives him a thumbs up when he rolls his eyes and storms off into his house

It’s sort of understandable, mostly because Tyler doesn’t want to have to sit through dinner with someone that he’s unofficially fighting with, even if he’s still going to technically take to the dance on Saturday. Which is whatever, they have plenty of time to hash out their issues. _Plenty_ …

* * *

10 minutes later, and everyone is sitting at the table. It’s quiet, since they just said grace, and no one really wants to break that silence, they’re mostly just passing bowls and plates of food between one another. It’s really traditional, Jenna’s mostly used to saying grace and then taking her dinner to her room, but it’s not like she really minds it- it’s just hard to talk to someone when you’re mad at them. That energy that she had to really get out her words is mostly gone now, and she’s wondering “ _What… exactly… am I doing here_?”

“So, Jenna” Tyler’s father clears his throat once his plate is full “What brings you here?”

“Oh, I um…” She pauses for a second, and flashes him a positively brittle smile “Wanted to ask Tyler something about the dance on Saturday”

“I almost forgot about that!” Tyler’s mom says, but that’s mostly false “Have you found a dress yet?”

“I have” Jenna smiles, before she brushes a strand of hair behind her ears “It’s blue”

“Just like your hair, I see” Tyler’s father says, and Jenna’s heart stops beating momentarily. Sometimes, Tyler’s father is so intimidating, for no reason at all. Madison, from her side of the table, pipes up “I like Jenna’s hair”

“Thanks Maddy” Jenna says, just as Tyler’s father frowns “Your parents let you dye your hair?”

Tyler shovels food into his mouth- nervous clutch- and listens as Jenna stammers “Well, uh, not necessarily, it was sort of an ‘in the moment’ type of thing. But they don’t really mind”

“But what if they did mind?” He presses, and Tyler’s mom laughs nervously. Jenna’s eyes widen just slightly and she clutches her fork even tighter “I… I don’t know. I would have just dyed it back, then”

“And did you get it done professionally?” “ _Chris_ , please” “It’s just a question, Kelly” Tyler’s parents begin bickering back and forth, and Tyler looks up from eating when he feels Zack kick his foot “Way to stick up to your girlfriend” Zack elongates ‘girlfriend’ and Jenna corrects him almost immediately “Tyler and I aren’t dating. And Mrs. Joseph, I don’t mind answering, truly” That’s a lie- she feels like her heart is going to burst right out of her heart. But what else can she do?

Tyler looks up and gives her a reassuring look, and Jenna calms down almost immediately- that’s just something between best friends “My friend Hayley dyed my hair for me, truthfully-“ “Hayley Williams?” “-and I trusted her because she always dyes her hair, and it always comes out so vibrant and nice looking... And yeah, Hayley Williams”

Chills go up her spine when she says Hayley’s name, and she smiles without thinking about it- Tyler catches it and he raises his eyebrow. So Hayley _did_ dye Jenna’s hair, and they _were_ close friends. Or close enough for Jenna to trust her to dye her hair, which seems pretty close to Tyler

“But Hayley Williams is a dyke” His father says, quite blatantly and Jenna practically chokes on the water she was drinking “Hayley’s my... my _friend_. She’s a good person”

“Didn’t her parents leave the church?” His father asks his mother, and she nods, before turning back to Jenna “Jenna, darling, don’t you think that that’s a sign that Hayley might be-“

“Hayley is my friend, Mrs. Joseph. I like her hair, and she’s really nice and she likes the same music that I do, and she doesn’t mind that I go to church. In fact, she’s coming with me on Sunday” She adds, because maybe that’ll look Hayley good in the eyes of people Hayley’s probably never even met before

The gossip at the church is something that Jenna hates more than anything, even if she loves going to Church and the people there. But she doesn’t like when people call her friends mean names. Like sure, they’ve only really been talking for about… 4 days… but they’re already close. _Really_ close.

“Oh, well, that’s good” She says, “At least you’re trying to convert her back, kudos to you, darling”

Jenna opens her mouth to disagree, because it’s not that. She just wants to share that part of her life because church is important to her. It doesn’t mean that it has to be that special to Hayley, and it doesn’t mean that she expects Hayley to ‘be converted’ after one time at church. And she wouldn’t want that either, because Hayley is perfect on her own.

Thankfully, Madison hastily brings up her violin lessons, sensing the tension growing in the room, and Jenna glances back to Tyler. Tyler’s just sitting quietly, his food all gone despite the fact that it hasn’t even been 5 minutes, and he looks back at her, mouthing “Sorry”

But everyone looks used to it, like everyone’s always on their toes around their parents. Like, Tyler looks more embarrassed that Jenna had to be brought into it than he looks horrified that that happened in the first place. It makes Jenna a little uneasy, even though she knows that Tyler’s parents are super conservative.

By the time that dinner’s almost done, Jenna’s pretty much drained of all of her energy- all Tyler’s family does is bicker and argue with each other, and Tyler’s father is always correcting them and instigating every little aspect of their lives. Maybe Hayley truly is leaving an impact in her life, because comments that wouldn’t have necessarily bothered her in the past suddenly leave her bewildered. But just when Jenna thought that they were done, Tyler’s dad inquiries about Music Theory. Tyler looks up from his second serving of food and his mouth goes dry

“So, what’s the deal with this music project? It sounds like a waste of time to me, Tyler should be home studying and practicing, not sitting at school making a song. One of these days, I’m going to complain to the school” His father says, shaking his head in disgust “You should have never taken that class”

“I thought it’d be an easy A” Tyler offers weakly, and Jenna pipes up, because she can tell that his dad has more questions “It’s actually kind of fun, and we use a lot of the skills we learned over the year. It’s a lot of work, I agree with that, but it’s nice to get to be creative”

“It’s bullshit,“ “ _Chris_ ” “that’s what it is. You kids should be learning practical things, not… not writing music!”

“With all due respect, Sir, it’s just part of the class. And it’ll be over in 2 weeks, anyways. Like, my partner and I already have some lyrics down, and a basic beat. It’s just to showcase our imagination”

“Your partner isn’t Tyler?”

‘Blurryface’ cackles in the back of Tyler’s mind “ _Oh shit_ ” and Tyler feels like taking the kitchen knife and slicing his neck immediately. He didn’t exactly tell his parents who his partner was, but he knew that they assumed it was Jenna. Jenna freezes on the spot, and she turns to Tyler and gives him a look that screams “ _Help?!_ ”

“Jenna’s partner is this guy from our class, Patrick. My partner is named, uh, Josh Dun” Tyler says nervously, and Tyler’s mom’s eyebrows furrow “Josh Dun? Didn’t he just move back here a couple of months ago?”

“Yes” Tyler answers, and his mom frowns “Josh Dun, like your old friend? Why didn’t he come back to the church, it’s been a couple of months since his family came back”

“Maybe his parents just haven’t gotten around to it” Tyler lies, and ‘Blurryface’ tsks “ _Lying is a bad habit, Ty_ ” And Jenna catches the lie, but honestly? She doesn’t blame Tyler, like, _at all_.

“Yeah, maybe”

It’s silent for a good couple of seconds, and Jenna glances at the clock behind Tyler’s mom’s head- it reads 8:41, and it only takes her 15 minutes to walk home. And she feels really bad, like, _extremely_ bad that she’s going to dip. But she has to talk to Tyler, and being in this house feels like someone’s constraining the oxygen to her lungs and she’s like _drowning_. It’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happen to her, because she used to feel so comfortable in this house, and not even a month ago, she was having dinner with Tyler, and noticed nothing. But now, everything is so fake, and everyone looks mostly miserable, especially Tyler.

“Oh! Mrs. Joseph, I hate to leave so early, but my mom wanted me home by 9” Jenna says, and Tyler’s mom turns her head to glance at the clock before turning back “Oh, darling, if you had told me earlier, I would have brought out the dessert!”

“That’s alright, dinner was lovely. Thank you” Jenna lies through her teeth, before forcing herself to smile at Tyler’s dad “Thank you for dinner, Mr. Joseph”

“Come back anytime” He says, although it’s more like a grumble. Jenna adds, in her head, “Me too, Mr. Joseph”, and then she grabs her bag. And just like she expected, Tyler’s mom blinks at Tyler “Aren’t you going to walk her home, Tyler?”

* * *

“Dude” Jenna says, breaking the silence. They’ve made it down the block in complete silence, but now Jenna feels sort of comfortable enough to actually talk to him- it’s almost like she thought that Tyler’s parents could hear them, even when they left the house

“That was intense” She says, and Tyler shrugs “It’s kind of normal, but I’m sorry he kept interrogating you” He frowns, crossing his arms “But technically, if you weren’t there in the first-“

“Okay, stop, I had to talk to you! Things ended really badly on Sunday, and it was a big misunderstanding” She sighs, and pauses for a minute so that she can word this as delicately as possible “I wasn’t… saying that you were gay, or anything. But just in case you were, just in case, I wouldn’t… mind? I don’t know, I don’t wanna go through this again, not talking to you, cause you’re my best friend”

“ _You_ … you wouldn’t mind?” He asks, a little more than surprised. First Jenna dyes her hair, and now she’s accepting this? “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t know. It doesn’t make me any less Christian, I was talking to Hayley about it. She’s really been helping me figure things out and whatnot. And she made me realize that... that it’s not unnatural, or anything. And Hayley’s a good person with good morals, and she’s bi, y’know, and she doesn’t worship the Devil and she hasn’t done anything like  _bad_  bad”

Jenna’s not really good at this explaining thing- “But the point, _the point_ that I’m trying to make is that I’m learning how to not be so ignorant? And I’m trying to see things from different perspectives, trying to keep an open mind” She sighs, turning to look at him as they continue to walk “You don’t believe me, do you?”

“It’s not that, it’s just a lot to think about” He laughs nervously “I think I’m gay, Jenna, and I don’t even know what to do. I mean, I’ve been talking to Josh, kind of like the way you’re talking to Hayley, but... my parents are going to kill me. You saw the way that they were acting, like I love them, and I know that they want the best for me, but they would disown me. Like legitimately disown me, I wouldn’t even be their son, and I wouldn’t even be a brother, and… and” He’s going off on a tangent, but he stops when Jenna puts her hands on his shoulder

“No matter what happens, I’m going to be there for you, alright? I’m keeping an open mind for you, because I love you, and I’m gonna be there to support you, even if your parents don’t” She smiles gently “and hey, God still loves you, so there’s that. You’re still His child at the end of the day, no matter what, and He loves you so much, Ty”

And suddenly, a huge weight is lifted off of his shoulders, even if it’s for a little while. Because he likes talking to Josh, but Jenna’s been his friend for a lot longer, and there’s always comfort in confiding in your close friends, and having them support you is even better. And Tyler thinks that his life sucks most of the time (even though he feels really guilty for thinking so, because technically he has a home, food… sometimes, and a family, and everything) but then he remembers that he has a true friend in Jenna, even if she’s a little goofy sometimes, and he feels a little better about his shitty life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was planning on writing some more, but to be perfectly honest, i like. lost all of my energy lol. i still have testing going on, but i wrote most of this on my notes section n whatnot, so yay! updates! maybe! im writing the dance next, and i planned most of that out, now i just gotta like. write it out. i can't wait to write abt pete going crazy on the dance floor while patrick watches from a distance and just shakes his head because pete looks like an idiot (but a cute idiot)
> 
> i don't have a lot to say this week, surprisingly! i hope everyone has a good week!!! im fake chill rn abt exams and school in general and im enjoying this serene & calm feeling that everything is ok when literally everything is on fire but!! :-!))) lol!


	14. Chapter 14

Before anyone realizes, it’s Saturday night, and the night of the dance. It’s kind of funny, how much the party has been hyped up, considering the fact that it’s going to be held in the school gym, but… whatever. Everyone is going to get drunk afterwards anyways, and the dance is just a way for the school to pretend like all of the juniors at the school are best friends, all while simultaneously getting a whole bunch of money from them. It’s not prom, but it kinda feels like that.

At least for Josh- he’s standing in front of Hayley’s house, and he has some flowers that he got from his backyard for her. He’s wearing some dress pants and a green button down with a blazer, cause Hayley said she was wearing green, and he feels really awkward. Not because of the dance, or the fact that he’s going with Hayley, but because Tyler’s going to be there.

And he doesn’t really know what he should do- they haven’t even been working on their project, as much as they’ve just been talking. Whether it’s about ‘Blurryface’, or about gay stuff, or about, like, Levi The Poet. It’s nice, and talking to Tyler is something else, because he’s so different from his friends. But that’s the thing- he’s so different than the rest of his friends, and Josh is different than all of Tyler’s ‘friends’, and it’s just weird.

Does he talk to Tyler during said dance? Does he ignore him and act like he doesn’t exist?

Anyways- he knocks on the door to Hayley’s house, and in a couple of seconds, Hayley appears at the door. One of her little sisters, Erica, stands by her side, and she gasps at the flowers “Flowers!”

“I just put my shoes on, good timing” Hayley says, ruffling Erica’s hair as Erica grabs the flowers from Josh’s hands. He supposes Erica and Hayley’s other sister, Mckayla, would have more use for it anyways. “How do I look?”

And Hayley’s always been pretty, even if she likes to deny it, but she looks, like, extra pretty. Her hair is pinned up, and she’s wearing a lacey emerald green dress that reaches to her knees. And she’s got this smokey eye thing going on too. “You look really pretty, I like your eyeliner thingy” Josh says, and Hayley gives him a genuine smile “Thanks Dun, I had to watch makeup tutorials for a solid two hours, though. I gotta go get my bag and tell my mom that I’m leaving, I’ll be back in a second” She skips back into the house, and Josh takes out his phone to tell Patrick and Pete that he’ll be there in a couple of minutes.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wishes that he was taking Tyler to the dance, wishes that he could be at Tyler’s doorstep  with flowers, but he pushes that out of his head when Hayley gets back “If they don’t play any Ke$ha, I’m going to sue the school. The entire school!”

* * *

When Tyler looks into the mirror after he splashes after-shave and water on his face, he’s greeted with ‘Blurryface’- it’s been a while since he’s appeared, so it’s a little starling (looking into a replica of yourself with red eyes generally would do that to a person).

“ _Did you think you got rid of me_?” ‘Blurryface’ asks in a calm voice, although he’s eyeing the razor next to Tyler’s hand. Tyler rinses it off and puts it away before ‘Blurryface’ could truly tempt him (or, as he thinks bitterly, before he could convince himself, since ‘Blurryface’ is just his imagination)

“No” He says in his head, and it’s mostly true. It doesn’t really matter how much he talks to Josh, or Jenna- ‘Blurryface’ is still going to be there. It’s just a matter of not listening to him. He remembers something that Josh said, and he repeats it back out loud “You’re not real, though. You’re just figment of my imagination, you can’t hurt me. I’m not going to argue with you”

‘Blurryface’ just blinks at him before laughing. Loud. “ _Wait, are you fucking serious_?”

“I think you should go away” Tyler suspects that he sounds like an idiot and even more crazy, but from ‘Blurryface’s shocked expression, it might be working. Might.

“ _You want me to go away_?” “Yeah, yeah I do” Tyler holds ‘Blurryface’s glare, watches as he moves a little closer to Tyler. He rests his hands on Tyler’s shoulders and whispers “ _Fine, I’ll go for now_ ” and then Tyler closes his eyes and opens them back, and suddenly ‘Blurryface’ is gone.

Well, that was kind of easy. Tyler shrugs and continues to get ready for the dance.

Half an hour later, or so, Tyler is sitting on the couch in the living room, and watches as his mom looks around for the camera “Mom, it’s not prom, you don’t have to take pictures”

“Tyler, honey, of course I do! Plus, your children will love these” Tyler glances over to her, confused, and she elaborates “Well, when you and Jenna get married-“

“Mom, I’m not going to marry her, she’s just my friend” “That’s what you say now, but…” She smiles to herself, shaking her head “You two were destined to be together. I know you don’t believe me now, but someday in the future, when you’re a basketball star, you’ll thank me” She waits a second before asking “And you did your baskets today, correct?”

He nods, but stays quiet- Him and Jenna were destined to be together. Maybe it’d just be easier to fake it, to pretend that none of this ‘gay’ stuff was real, but then he’d just mislead his best friend, and that wouldn’t be right. Even if it might that his mother’s many dreams for him would be crushed.

She finds her camera right before the doorbell rings, and she motions for Tyler to get the door.

“Hey!” Jenna says once Tyler opens the door, and Tyler gives her a wave. A camera snaps in the background, and Jenna looks behind Tyler’s shoulder “Hi, Mrs. Joseph”

Tyler’s wearing a black button down with some black dress pants, and he looks good, but he looks like a complete garbage can (or so he thinks) in comparison to Jenna.

She’s wearing a sleeveless blue leather dress with a short hemline- that’s the first thing Tyler’s mother notices “Jenna! Your dress… it’s very short…!”

“Oh, uh… yeah. My mom is fine with it” Jenna smiles nervously, before turning to Tyler “Are you ready?”

He winces once he feels his mother’s hand on his shoulder, since it reminds him a little of ‘Blurryface’, but mostly because he knows what’s next “Actually, um, my mom wants pictures”

So, for the next 15 minutes, they take pictures, and Jenna’s parents get out of the car to aww at them, and Tyler’s mom keeps saying things like “Your children will love these!” and “You two look perfect!” and “Mrs. Black, you know I respect your opinion, but that dress is far too short” and all Jenna and Tyler can do is give each other tired glances in between shots.

* * *

“So, when were you gonna tell us that you’re having a gay sleepover with Jenna?” Pete asks, en route to the dance. They’re listening to some metal band that Josh is into, and usually Hayley would tell him off and tell him that she doesn’t like Jenna, except…

Yeah. It’s not that big of a deal. She usually hates the notion that gay girls can’t be friends with other girls without liking them, but it’s so _relatable_. Especially when that friend is Jenna Black, the most beautiful girl in the world.

“We’re going to church in the morning, nothing is gonna happen. We’re probably gonna watch a movie, it’s not that big of a deal” Hayley shrugs, but Pete doesn’t buy it “Then why do you look so fancy” and _that’s_ when Hayley tells him off “I’m allowed to dress up for a _dance_ , fuck you”

“So, this band is really good! Like, _really_ good, isn’t this band good? So good” Josh interrupts them, and he glances over his shoulder and glares at Pete when they reach a stop light, a silent “ _Don’t take Hayley on_ ”

“I’m sorry, It’s just that… we’re just friends” Hayley says defiantly, and she crosses her arms “Why can’t we just be friends? I’m not gonna, like, sniff her hair in her sleep”

“Oh my God” Patrick tries to stifle a laugh, but he ends up giggling a little “Imagine!”

“I’m not saying that you can’t be friends, I just think that hashtag Jeyley is real”

“Jeyley?!” Hayley practically screams, and she whips around in the passenger seat to glare at Pete. “You made a ship name for us?!”

“Or Henna, I haven’t decided which one is better yet” He gives her a thumbs up and one of his signature grins, and she turns around in her seat and buries her head in her hands “I can’t believe this”

After a few minutes of sitting in silence (or, sitting and listening to metal music from the speakers), they reach the school. Lots of cars are already parked, but Josh still gets a spot in the parking lot. He can see Tyler and Jenna from the corner of his eye, and Patrick seems to notice too “They look so… perfect”

Hayley steps out of the car, and she looks around until she sees the familiar velvet blue leather. They did go shopping together, after all, (it was Jenna who even told her that the green dress looked good on her), but somehow, Jenna looks like a completely new person in it. Pete catches her staring, and he’s tempted to make some crude remark about it, but he opts out.

“Guys, we should take a picture!” Patrick says, before taking out his phone. Pete raises his eyebrows “Of them?”

“Of _us_ ” “ _Ohhh_ ”

“ _Ohhh_ ” Patrick says mockingly, but he’s grinning. Pete whines “I was confused, let me live”

They end up taking a whole bunch of selfies, and no, they don’t even compare to the almost professional pictures that Tyler’s parents took of him and Jenna, but they’re kinda perfect in their own way. Like, Pete’s giving the camera the finger and Patrick's laughing at Pete's pose, and Hayley’s pressing a half-manicured hand to her forehead in exasperation, and Josh is grinning at the camera because his friends are idiots. It’s a lot better than actual posed stuff anyways.

* * *

So, Mark is staring at Jenna’s legs, and he’s not being very discreet about it, despite the fact that his girlfriend, and one of Jenna’s friends, is right next to her.

“Jenna” Mark says once Tyler gets up to get something for him and Jenna to drink, and Jenna turns from talking to one of the other cheerleaders to look at Mark “Yes, Mark?”

“If you ever bored with Tyler, we could hang out sometime” He flashes her a predatory-like grin, and she almost pukes in her mouth “I’m okay, thanks though…”

“I’m right fucking here, Mark. Right here” His girlfriend, Sophie, says before glaring at Jenna. “You look like a slut”

Jenna just blinks of them, not even sure how to respond to that, and then she clears her throat “Um, okay…” She reaches for her phone, and opens Netflix, but then she looks across the gym and sees Hayley.

Jenna hates high school. And she hates how this works, how she has to sit with the basketball players and the cheerleaders because that’s just what she’s supposed to do. Like, if she walked across the dance floor and sat with Hayley and her friends, she’d be committing social suicide. And she’d risk it, because she hates sitting here with people who clearly don’t like her because she dyed a section of her hair, but Tyler is sitting here, and she doesn’t want to leave him. It’d be even worse for Tyler, and his parents would definitely find out.

But Hayley and her friends look like they’re having so much fun. They’re sitting by themselves at a really small table, almost like the party planners got a small table specifically for them, but they’re laughing, and Hayley moving her shoulders and dancing in her seat to no music at all, and it’s so adorable, and Jenna hates it’s like this.

Thankfully, Tyler returns with some soda and sits back down next to Jenna. “I need a drink” Jenna groans, and Tyler frowns and itches the plastic cup closer to Jenna “…there’s one right here”

“Like _alcohol_ , Ty” “Oh”

Jenna puts her headphones in the same time that Tyler takes out his phone, and opens up his messages to Josh. “I’m gonna catch up on The Vampire Diaries, okay?” Tyler nods, and types ‘ _I’m so bored_ ’ and sends it to Josh.

He glances over to Josh’s table, and Josh looks up from his phone a couple of seconds later to find Tyler through the crowd. They lock eyes, and Josh gives him a broad smile as his phone chimes ‘ **same, what do you wanna talk about**?’

* * *

There’s been almost no music at the party, which was kind of a drag, considering that it was a _dance._ But things are going pretty smoothly anyways, everyone’s talking (and texting) amongst each other, and everyone’s eating some of the catered food.

So when one of the teachers chaperoning the dance announces that the DJ just arrived, and that they’ll be putting on the music momentarily, Pete almost jumps out of his seat with joy “Fuck yeah! Fuck, I’m so _bored_ ”

“Thanks” Hayley says, dryly, and Pete sticks his tongue out at her “I’d be less bored if Joshie would stop sexting Tyler for, like, 2 seconds, and talked to us”

“I’m not sexting him” Josh says, to his phone, and Pete shakes his head “The older generation is rolling in their soon-to-be graves at this, talk to us” Pete draws out the ‘us’ and Patrick sighs “Pete, let the kid live”

“I can’t believe that they’ve fallen for the straights. I genuinely cannot believe that these two have fallen to the spell that the straights have cast on us” Pete says, and Hayley rolls her eyes “I don’t like her that much! Plus, that’s not fair, no one talks to me besides you guys. So technically, since I’m around someone new who actually _wants_ to talk me, and she’s the only girl that shows any interest in me, _ever_ , that was bound to happen”

“Tyler doesn’t think he’s straight, either, so shut the fuck up” Josh say, to his phone again. Pete shrugs, and swirls his straw in his drink “I’m bored”

It’s quiet for a couple of moments, before Taylor Swift’s voice is blasted through the speakers “ _Cause baby, now we’ve got bad blood. You know it used to be mad love, so take a look what you’ve done. Cause baby, now we’ve got bad blood, hey_!”

“FUCK!” Pete yells, before he actually pterodactyl screeches into the air. Patrick covers his ears, and winces when Pete yells “This is my _fucking_ song, _this is my fucking song_! Hayley, come on let’s go dance!”

Once Kendrick’s verse comes on over the speakers, Pete gets up out of his seat, and Hayley kicks off her heels. People look around, waiting for anyone to get on the dancefloor first, and usually Pete would do the same thing, but he’s in one of his moods, and he needs to take his energy out somewhere. And Hayley loves dancing, so she takes Pete’s hand when he offers it, and get on the dance floor.

Pete does this thing, where he’s not even dancing as much as much as he’s jumping up and down singing the lyrics, and Hayley is moving her shoulders to the beat, singing with Pete. “ _Oh, it’s so sad to think about the good times, you and I_!”

Thankfully, everyone else was just waiting for people to get up there first, so people start joining them immediately. Pete starts moving his hips to the music and he looks over to Patrick and winks at him, but Patrick just shakes his head and mouths “No”

Patrick’s pretty much the opposite when it comes to dancing, but he gets to watch Pete shake his hips and grind with the air, so it’s not so bad.

     ‘ **are you getting on the floor**?’

     ‘ _I’m not really into dancing. Are you?_ ’

     ‘ **kinda. here, i’ll be right back, i have to stop pete from grinding with the floor** ’

Sophie, from the jocks table, gasps “What the fuck is that emo kid doing?”

Jenna glances over to the floor, and watches as Pete, in all of his eyeliner glory, cries out Taylor Swift lyrics from the floor to Hayley, who’s practically doubling over in laughter. Jenna catches a flash of blue in the mix, and Josh pulls Pete off of the floor, before Pete starts dancing on Josh, and Jenna cracks a smile of her own. Tyler’s just staring at Josh.

“Do you guys wanna dance?” She asks the girls, and they all shrug “Why not?”

Tyler’s still staring at Josh when Jenna gets up to dance, and he doesn’t even notice it when the other basketball players get on the floor to dance with their respective girlfriends (well, not Mark, who also dances with other girls). So he’s all alone when he looks the other way, and sees ‘Blurryface’

Tyler guesses that he really meant that ‘For now’

“ _I figured it’d be easier for me to talk to you when you’re not giving me bullshit self-help phrases_ ” ‘Blurryface’ says, and Tyler can’t really respond out loud, so he sighs and just looks straight ahead. Sadly (or not), Josh is straight ahead at Tyler, so he’s back at square one, just staring at Josh

“ _And you’re right, maybe I am just a figment of your imagination. But you can’t get rid of me so easily, Ty_ ” He continues to babble “ _You’re way too weak for that, you need Josh to do all of the work for you. We all know you’re a coward, anyways, I mean you couldn’t even get your mom to stop taking those pictures of you and Jenna, how are you going to tell her about how much of a disappointment you are? That her basketball star son is a faggot_?”

Tyler can’t respond to anything, so he just sits still- his fists are clenched at his side, and he’s breathing in and out slowly so that he doesn’t start freaking out and start puking, or something.

“ _You should just save her the pain, maybe you should just kill yourself_ ” He says, nonchalantly “ _That way you don’t disappoint your parents, that way you can let Jenna live her life, that way Josh doesn’t have to deal with a fuck-up like you. But we know you’re too much of a coward for that anyways, don’t we_?”

‘Blurryface’ picks up one of the silver knives from the table, and uses it to draw a line across Tyler’s throat- but it feels so real, Tyler can practically feel the pressure of the tip of the knife on his skin, he can feel the way that ‘Blurryface’ presses deeper the further he goes “ _It’d be so easy to kill you, you know? You just sit still and take it, and_ -“ ‘Blurryface’ continues to talk, but Tyler gets up out of his seat, and presses a hand to his neck. His hand comes up clean, but he can practically feel warm blood, so he just does what he does best, and that’s run.

Patrick’s still watching Pete from his seat, still making dumb faces at Pete when his eyes interlock with Patrick’s, so it’s not hard to notice someone running out so abruptly, especially when that person is Tyler Joseph. He considers running after Tyler, but he figures that he doesn’t know Tyler as well as Josh does (hell, Josh spent a good hour just texting him), so Patrick gets up out of his seat, and gets on the dancefloor

“Tricky!” Pete screeches, before latching himself onto Patrick. He buries his head in Patrick’s neck and rolls his hips against Patrick’s “You came to dance with me!”

“Uh.. yeah!” Patrick says, a little out of breath, because Pete’s pressed up against him, and he’s a horny teenager, but he tugs on Josh’s jacket “Dude, Tyler ran out of here, he went towards the parking lot”

Josh’s eyes widen, and he nods quickly, before he runs off to find him, yelling “I’ll be back!” behind his shoulders

* * *

Tyler’s hands are on his neck, and he’s sobbing. His cries come from deep inside his gut, and he can’t stop to even breathe. Every breath he manages to take in sounds like a ragged gasp, and every time he exhales, he just lets out another cry. He sounds like he’s screaming, which wouldn’t even be far from the truth. He feels so disgusting, his nose is running and he’s cold, and he just wishes he let ‘Blurryface’ do it, kill him, but then he remembers that he’s ‘Blurryface’ and then he cries harder

So that’s how Josh finds him- When Josh opens the door, Tyler jumps with fright, and he turns his head to look at who it is, and he just cries harder- of course it’s Josh, who else would it be? “Ty…” Josh says gently, although he feels like crying too. He feels like crying really badly, but he can’t cry with Tyler. He has to make him feel better.

He takes off his blazer, since Tyler’s not wearing one, and he drapes it over Tyler’s shoulders. Josh sits next to Tyler, and he gently pulls Tyler’s hands off of his neck, and holds them in his hands, before Tyler pulls one away to wipe some of his tears away, even though they’re falling steadily. Josh reaches into his pockets, and hands some crumpled up tissues to Tyler “They’re… they’re not used, I promise. I usually carry some for Hayley when she wants to fix her lipstick”

Tyler doesn’t respond, but he takes them anyways. He blows his nose a couple of times and uses the tissues to dab at his face, he tries to say something about ‘Blurryface’, but then he starts crying again “I-I’m so-sorry, fuck, I-“ He shakes his head, telling Josh that he can’t say anything, and Josh pulls him closer and starts talking “I, uh, I… It’ll be okay, Tyler. It’ll be okay eventually, I promise”

Tyler slowly quiets down the longer Josh babbles “I know that you can beat him, you know? I fuckin’ believe in you, Tyler, you aren’t weak, like, at all. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve everything good in the world, and you don’t deserve this, no one does! You’re doing the best that you can, and I admire you for that, and… and I’m so proud of you, okay? I know it’s really difficult right now, but you’re going to be okay, and you’re going to get through this, and, like, you’re gonna be so happy one day. And you’re gonna go places, because you’re so talented, and one day, you’re gonna forget about this school, and about dumbass Mark, and you’re probably gonna forget about me-“ Tyler interrupts him for the first time, hiccupping “I wouldn’t forget you” He attempts to give Josh a smile, and Josh laughs a little “You say that now. Anyways, you’re gonna go places, man. And one day, you’re gonna wake up, and realize that ‘Blurryface’ is just a dumb liar, and that you’re bigger than him”

Tyler takes a deep breath, although it’s still ragged, and he nods slowly “Okay”

“You believe me?” Josh asks, and Tyler shrugs “Maybe not now, but eventually”

Josh would rather hear that than something else, so he just reaches over to ruffle Tyler’s hair “You’re gonna be alright, my guy. Do you want to go back?”

Tyler shakes his head “You can go, I’m just gonna sit here for a while” and then Josh says “I can stay with you, they’re just dancing in there” and Tyler just moves in closer to Josh and hums when he feels the warmth of Josh’s chest. And Josh takes a deep breath, because he’s so fucked. So fucked.

* * *

As it turns out, watching Pete dance isn’t nearly as fun as dancing with him. At least for Patrick, because Pete’s bringing his A-game, and Patrick’s never seen this side of Pete in action, or at least in front of this many people. They’re surrounded by so many other students, yet Pete’s still grinding on Patrick, and throwing his head back and moaning, and it’s insane.

But it doesn’t get bad until they reach this really stupid song- Patrick doesn’t really get the lyrics, and neither does Hayley, who is dancing in their general vicinity. Throughout the night, Jenna has slowly gravitated towards them, so now Jenna and Hayley are practically dancing with each other, although it’s nowhere on the level that Pete and Patrick are on. Pete’s mouthing these lyrics to Patrick (lyrics that probably should be censored, because they’re in school) but then _, but then_

The Weeknd’s voice is behind it, which is hot in itself, but Pete’s eyes are half-lidded, and he’s wearing this smirk on his face as he pretends to sing “ _Do you like the way I flick my tongue or nah? You can ride my face until you dripping cum… Can you lick the tip then throat the dick or nah? Can you let me stretch that pussy out or nah_?”

And then Pete grins at Patrick, as Patrick’s jaw drops.

Patrick pulls Pete out of the gym by his jacket sleeve, and they turn a corner before Patrick shoves Pete against the wall “You’re so hot” He practically whines, and Pete pulls him closer, and starts kissing him.

They’re making out- Pete’s moaning in Patrick’s mouth, and Patrick’s rocking his hips against Pete’s in the middle of the hallway, and it’s so bad, Patrick would never do this, but he is anyways, and he’s so close to coming that it hurts. Pete’s hands pull him impossibly closer, and he whimpers Patrick’s name when Patrick grips one of Pete’s hipbones.

And then they hear someone's throat clear, and they're greeted with Mark and Shane, glaring at them. “If I were you two, I’d start running. Right now” Shane says with this stupid look on his face, and Pete and Patrick glance at each other, before doing just that. Mark and Shane are a lot faster than them, but it’s all of the “fight or flight” that keep Pete and Patrick running.

Josh and Tyler are still sitting with each other, in silence, and then Josh’s phone rings “Josh! Fuck, you gotta get your car, man-“ Pete’s breathing hard “Patrick and I, fuck, you gotta get your car, we gotta go” and then he hangs up just as suddenly.

“That was weird…” Josh says, blinking at his phone, and Tyler clears his throat “I might call my Mom and ask her to pick me up anyways, it’s okay”

“So, um. I’ll call you, okay?” Tyler nods, and Josh stands up and holds his hand out. Tyler takes it, and stands up. They look into each other’s eyes for the first time that evening, and Josh suddenly feels the urge to kiss him, or do something. But he knows that Tyler doesn’t feel that way, at least he doesn’t think so, so he just reaches over to hug Tyler. And Tyler hugs back, burying his head in Josh’s neck momentarily “Thank you” Tyler says, and he feels Josh nod “It’s no problem” They let go, and Josh laughs awkwardly “I’m just gonna go get the car, I’ll see you around”

A couple of minutes later, he pulls up to the front of the school, and waits for a couple of seconds- Pete and Patrick come running towards the car from the opposite side of the school, and Josh quickly unlocks the doors when he sees Shane and Mark running not so far behind. Pete runs to one side of the car, and Patrick goes to the other, and the second the doors close, Josh speeds out of the parking lot and down the road, just screaming.

“Holy shit” Pete says, out of breath, once Josh stopped screaming his head off. Patrick presses a hand to his heart “Fuck… holy fuck, did that really happen?”

“Did what happen?!” Josh says, still speeding, but less so, and Pete leans his head against the car cushions and sighs “Dude, Pat and I were making out in the hallway and then they caught us and they were like ‘Run’ and fuck, do you know how hard it is to run when you’re hard?!” He says, in between deep breaths.

“They did what?!” Patrick nods “I thought we were gonna die!” He turns to Pete “I’m never making out with you again” and Pete just says tiredly “I don’t even blame you, babe. I want some waffles”

* * *

“You did what?!” Jenna exclaims, as Mark and Shane retell their story to the table. They called off the music when they realized the lyrics were less than appropriate, so everyone’s just sitting around and enjoying some cake. Everyone except Jenna, anyways. Hayley’s in the bathroom on the phone with Josh, and suddenly it all makes sense why she hasn’t come back in a while.

“You should have seen them” Shane shakes his head in disgust “Fucking faggots, we should have just beaten them up when we had the chance” and then he grins “But we can do that on Monday, if they even decide to come back here”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Jenna screams at them, and everyone at the table turns their attention to her. “What?” Mark asks, and Jenna repeats it “Yeah, what the actual fuck is the matter with you? Why would you do that?”

“Why not? Aren’t you fucking Little Miss Catholic?” Sophie asks, and Jenna glares at all three of them before saying sarcastically “Yeah, I’m sure God would condone you scaring them half to death!”

“You know, when you dyed your hair, I figured something was up. What, are you one of them, Jenna? Are you a _fag_?” Mark taunts her, and Jenna shakes her head “No, I’m just a normal person who realizes that practically jumping people because of their sexuality is messed up”

She gets up out of her seat, and grabs her bag “I’m out of here”

“Good! We don’t want any _fags_ at our table anyways” Shane sneers, and before Jenna even knows it, she has a cup of soda in her hand. She throws the contents in Shane’s face and glares at him “Don’t say that word”

And then she walks away, heels clanking on the floor all the way to the bathroom. She opens the door, and Hayley’s sitting down near to the sinks with her phone in her hands and her bag of stuff she has to bring to Jenna’s next to her “Mark and Shane told me what happened…” Jenna says, and Hayley nods. She’s not crying, but she looks more shocked than anything else “Josh… Josh said that Pete and Patrick are just making jokes about it, and that they’re okay… but it shouldn’t be like that, fuck, I’m so upset about this, what if they did something worse? What if they…” She trails off, shaking her head “I don’t even wanna think about this anymore” She looks up to Jenna and frowns “Hey, you have some soda on your dress”

“I, uh… I threw a soda at Shane. I guess some of it got on my dress”

“You threw a soda at him….?” Hayley asks and Jenna nods “Yeah… he kept bragging about it and throwing around the ‘f’ word, so I just snapped”

“Dude” Hayley says, as a smile slowly appears on her face “you’re so fucking badass, oh my God. You threw a soda in his face?!” Jenna nods again, and Hayley breaks out into a grin “I mean, fuck the way it happened, but Jenna. Oh my God, I can’t believe you did that!” She gets up and hugs Jenna “Thank you” She says, and Jenna shrugs her shoulders, with a smile once Hayley pulls away “You don’t have to thank me, Hayley. Here, my mom said that she’s gonna be here around 10, and it’s around 10. You ready?”

Hayley grabs her bag off of the floor “More than ever”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *wakes up kinda late from my nap, realizes that i should probably study or do homework or something*  
> me: *writes gay fanfic instead*
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ tragic!!! anyways that's why i updated kinda early!! so i hope you guys liked this! i wrote it at like 5 am so if nothing makes sense... that is Why. it ended up being A LOT more angsty than i thought because its like 5 and i love making myself suffer
> 
> also... 400 KUDOS?!?!??! 400 kUdOs?!??!!?!??? i dont even know what to even say besides thank you so much??? i appreciate every kudos, comment, and even every view on this story and i just :'( am SO EMO about this im so happy that like people like this, and read my dumb little author's notes every chapter (and thats ok if you dont, i love u anyways) and i love sharing this story with so many people because? people are just as excited about this as i am, maybe even more, and when i dont feel like updating or i feel like just ending this because i get really lost with where i wanna go, you all inspire me and just :') im such an EMO. but thank you so much!!!!!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughhhhhhhhhhh this is so boring i apologize

Tyler’s taking a shower, and taking a shower means thinking and being alone with his thoughts. Because it’s hard to think about your issues when you’re a big brother to 3 siblings who all need help with _something_ , and it’s hard to think about your issues when your parents never stop nagging you about one thing or the other.

Thankfully, ‘Blurryface’ hasn’t really resurfaced, but he’s there. He’s behind Tyler’s eyes, and in his fingertips, and he’s hidden in every crevice in Tyler’s body- that in itself makes Tyler want to cut himself open and let ‘Blurryface’ just bleed out, but of course he can’t really do that… because he can’t do that.

‘Blurryface’ was right about one thing- Tyler was sort of a coward. But when it comes to matters like ‘should I take my razor and slice up my neck’, being a coward isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There should be a better word for it, because not doing that every morning is a huge feat, it’s not something that Tyler couldn’t do because he was weak. It was sort of the opposite.

Anyways- ‘Blurryface’ is just something that’ll always be there, but then there’s that thought at the back of Tyler’s mind “ _What if ‘Blurryface’ is the real me_ ” that sets him off again. Tears start pricking at his eyes, and he takes a deep, shuddering breath. _Not again_.

He cups some water in his hands before splashing it onto his face for the millionth time, trying to wash off any evidence that he was ever crying, that he was ever crying next to _Josh Dun_ , which is just all kinds of humiliating. He turns off the water eventually, and steps out.

‘Blurryface’ is sort of like the steam that builds up in the bathroom after you take a shower. It surrounds all of your surroundings and seeps into the air slowly and settles onto your skin, and yeah, that’s ‘Blurryface’. He makes a mental note of that, ‘you are surrounding all my surroundings’, and he grabs his toothbrush. He quickly brushes his teeth, and he looks into the mirror for a quick second while putting his toothbrush away and then he quickly jumps back at the sight of ‘Blurryface’ next to him in his reflection- ‘Blurryface’ is just smiling sweetly at him, with thin red blood seeping down from eyes to his neck.

“Fuck” Tyler hisses under his breath, his heart pounding. He looks back, and there’s obviously nothing there, but he just grabs his towel and sprints out of there as fast as he can.

He lays in his bed, his brother fast asleep next to him, in the other room. He glances over to the clock, and it reads 10:46, which would probably be a good time to go to bed, because he has church in the morning. But every time he closes his eyes, he sees ‘Blurryface’ with the blood trickling from his eyes, and the blood smeared around his neck and his hands, so he closes his eyes tight and tries to think about something good.

And that something good happens to be Josh. He glances at the time, and tries to convince himself that it’s not _that_ late, and he feels around for his headphones, and he connects them to his shitty phone, before texting

      ‘ _Hey I know that it’s kind of late, but can I call you?_ ’

He closes his eyes and presses send before he can even go back on it, and he only opens them back when his phone chimes, the sound echoing in his ears.

     ‘ **yeah, that’s cool! :~)** ’

He scrunches his nose at the emoticon, trying to figure if that’s supposed to be a good thing, or a bad thing, but he gives up after a few seconds, and presses the ‘Call’ button on his phone. It rings once, and then he hears Josh cough and clear his throat before he hears a “Hey Tyler, what’s up?”

“I don’t wanna, like, bother you, if you-“ Tyler begins to say, but Josh talks over him “Tyler, Tyler dude, it’s fine. You’re not bothering me, what’s wrong?”

“But-“ “ _Tyler_ ”

Tyler gives up and sighs in defeat. He’s underneath his bed covers, and he’s talking lowly into the microphone on the headphones so that his parents or siblings don’t hear him (they sleep like the dead, but just to be sure)

“I just, uh… well, I can’t sleep, you know? Usually it’s like this on Sunday nights, because it’s, like, school is starting back up on Monday, and I always feel like I’m, like, fucking God over or something on Sundays, but I don’t know. I got out of the shower, and I’m brushing my teeth, right?” He pauses, and Josh hums over the line “I’m listening”

“And like… I look up, right, and I see ‘Blurryface’. But it’s different now, because he usually shows up and says some stuff and tells me I’m worthless, and he’s never bleeding, but he was like…, he was covered in blood, it was all over his neck and on his hands, and he was just staring, you know?” Tyler explains, but he’s faltering over his words, and talking quickly “He was just staring at me, like it was going to happen to me too. And during the… the dance, right, okay, he brought up this knife to my throat and he like drew a line across it, but like, this is all in my imagination, I’m so fucked up, I’m so fucked up, my brain is _sick_ -“

“ _Tyler_ ” Josh says again, a little firmer, and Tyler stops and takes a deep breath “You’re not… you’re not fucked up, alright?”

“How do you know that?” Tyler asks, and he can practically hear Josh shrug on the other line “I just do. Just like how I know that this will all pass”

“But it’s not. He’s always going to be there, that’s not going to just… go away, it’s part of who I am now. Ever since my parents started making me do those 500 baskets, he’s been there, and I can’t imagine that he would just, what, go away? Not unless I killed myself which-“ He brings his hand up to his mouth and he starts biting his nails. He doesn’t continue his sentence, even when Josh tells him to keep going.

“You can’t do that, you can’t kill yourself” Josh says simply, but even he knows that’s a pretty pathetic answer “I mean, you have so much to live for… You have to see Levi the Poet live, and you have to travel the world and try out the Taco Bell in Hawaii, and… you have to play basketball in the championship and… wait, 500 baskets?”

Tyler closes his eyes and he curses himself in his head- that wasn’t supposed to get out. At all. He opens his eyes back and blinks before he says “What?” even though he knows exactly what he said. He winces when Josh says “Wait… what? You said 500 baskets, what’s that?”

“It’s… it’s just this thing, it’s stupid” Josh doesn’t say anything, which is cue to keep talking.

And here’s the thing about stress- eventually that builds inside of someone. That’s why Tyler can’t stop babbling to Josh, it’s because he’s kept everything bottled inside, locked away, and the only person he’s ever shared it with was ‘Blurryface’. That’s why at the end of the day, Tyler trusts him… because ‘Blurryface’ was the only person that knew what was happening, because ‘Blurryface’ was him, and you don’t know anyone better than you know yourself.

So, that’s almost exactly what happens- Tyler just starts gushing information

“Okay, okay, fuck, I trust you, that’s why I’m telling you this, but you can’t tell anyone, not even Pete or Patrick or Hayley, not even Jenna knows. But… okay, when I started high school, my parents, we don’t really have a lot of money, and I need to go to college and get an education, but I’m a useless dumbass, so academics wasn’t going to cut” He stifles a bitter laugh, and continues “Anyways, so my parents tell me that I have to get a basketball scholarship, because if I don’t get a scholarship for sports, what am I going to get it for? So, I’m practicing after school at the school, and it’s fine, and I’m not… I’m not bad, but to get a scholarship you have to be the best of the best, and so my parents make me practice after practice”

Josh is quiet, but Tyler hears his breath hitch after that last sentence, just a little. “And… okay, and so I’m getting better, but I have to be the best, so my parents make me shoot 500 baskets everyday so that I improve every day, so that I can be the best. But I don’t even like basketball, you know? I’d rather just sit inside and write poetry” He waits a second and says “Wow, I guess I really am gay”

Josh winces “I mean… that’s kind of a stereotype, athletes can be gay too. Pete plays soccer, but not through the school, and he’s super gay, so… okay, sorry, continue”

“Oh… and okay, so anyways, my parents make me shoot 500 baskets every day, and if I don’t do it, I don’t get dinner”

There’s a silence that Tyler’s not really sure how to describe. It’s absolutely quiet, but it sort of feels like a million glass plates have crashed and shattered on a marble floor.  

“…What?” Josh asks after a solid minute of silence. He gulps and says it again “What?”

“It’s… it’s a fair deal, you know?” Tyler doesn’t even seem sure of it himself though- he knows that his parents methods are… are unorthodox, but it couldn’t be _that_ bad. They wanted what was best for him, didn’t they?

“Uh, no, it’s not…” Josh says slowly, like he’s trying to explain a simple concept to Tyler.

He defends his parents with “Well, if I don’t do what they asked of me, then why would I get to eat? Plus, it’s just a way to motivate me”

Josh sighs, but it sounds like he’s trying to understand this from Tyler’s point of view  “…but when do you do this? After your practice? But…” Josh makes a horrible choking sound in his throat, and then he says “But how have you done that when we were doing our project?”

“I… well, I haven’t. I haven’t done it in a while, which… I mean, okay, it sucks, it sucks a lot, but I deserve it. I’m doing it to myself, so I have to suffer the consequences. It’s like if you don’t do your homework, you get a bad grade-“ “You don’t compare a bad grade to starving” Josh counters back easily

Well, Tyler doesn’t really have a response for that.

“My parents aren’t evil” Tyler settles for.  “My parents just want what’s best for me”

“I know, I know that they do, but they shouldn’t starve you if you can’t practice after you’ve already practiced for… for hours!” Josh doesn’t sound like it, but he’s absolutely seething with anger that he never really even knew he had.                                                                                               

Because he’s been pissed, he was pissed about Mark and about Shane, and he’s been upset about the bullying at school, and he’s been mad about things that his parents have said to him, but he’s practically seeing white. How dare Tyler’s parents do that to him? How dare they brainwash him into thinking that it’s okay, and that he deserves not to eat because he what? Had to do a project? Was exhausted from his first practice?

“I don’t know what to tell you” Tyler says quietly “My parents want me to be the best that I can be, and athletes do 500 baskets all of the time. They just want to motivate me further because my scholarship pretty much depends on this championship and if I can’t win it for the school, then…” He trails off, and Josh bites his tongue so that he doesn’t start cursing.

Because he’s sure that 500 baskets wouldn’t be hard for an athlete to do, but he’s not sure those same athletes are Tyler Joseph, who has about a million things on his plate. And he’s not sure that those athletes get punished to the point of getting no food if they miss a day or two, not even counting their regular practicing. No wonder Tyler has no time to think through his sexuality, and his mental health- because there are only so many hours in a day, and he’s working and studying and practicing during almost all of them. He feels like he should tell an adult about this, or something, but he knows that he’d want Tyler to know first, and Tyler would never grant him permission to do something like that.

“You’ll win it” Josh says, going back to the championship topic, and Tyler scoffs “Yeah, probably not. Jenna tells me that God is looking down on me, and that He’ll help me out, but I doubt it, all things considered”

“You should listen to Jenna, y’know. I kinda agree with her on that, that you’re still a, like, child of God, no matter what. You’re not killing anyone by liking dudes”

“I guess” He says, but that’s just passively- he doesn’t really believe that he’s not sinning _yet_. It still feels dirty when he runs it through his head a couple of times, but then sometimes his mind wanders to Josh, and kissing Josh and holding hands with him, and then it doesn’t seem _as_ dirty.

It’s silent for a minute or so, besides the occasional “I’m so tired” (but neither of them say ‘Goodnight’, they know that they have so much more to say, but they can’t get it out)

“Um,” Josh says “listen. Maybe I can work on the project by myself. I don’t want you to have to starve yourself because of this, I don’t mind… I mean, it might be shitty, but your, like, fuckin’ health is more important than a dumb grade”

“A dumb grade that contributes to our final grade” Tyler replies. He doesn’t even take a moment to consider it, and he’s not really sure why, since Josh is pretty much granting him something that he would’ve taken without a word of disagreement 2 weeks ago “And I like working on the project, I feel like it’s the only thing I can do to distract myself from ‘Blurryface’. It’s like… I don’t know, therapy, without going to therapy”

“But-“ “Music is pretty much keeping me alive” and then he says sheepishly “and you. You, uhm. Keep me going”

Josh sucks in a breath, and he grips his phone just a little tighter, but he doesn’t reply. Thankfully, Tyler doesn’t really notice this, because he continues to talk “Like… you’re the only person I really trust… it’s kinda hard talking to Jenna about this stuff, considering she doesn’t know a lot of the story”

 “I’m glad that you can trust me” Josh smiles a little to himself, and Tyler nods, although Josh can’t (obviously) see it.

“Yeah… and hey, I have an idea” “Yeah, what’s up?”

“Well… I mean, you can say no. But maybe… I mean, I can work on the song during my lunch period, and you work on it after school, and then we meet during out free period. Y’know, so it’s fair. I’ve been toying around with some lyrics, and I could come up with a solid beat during church tomorrow. Or… ah, nevermind” Tyler yawns, and he flips on his side. He peeks over his bed sheets, but Zack is still fast asleep.  

“No, what was it?”

“I mean, I have loads of free time at church. Maybe I could show you something that’s been in my head for a while, and then we could at least come up with something… considering the project’s due soon… plus, Hayley is going to be there tomorrow” He pauses “But that’d be crazy, right? Everyone would make a big deal about you and your hair” He rolls his eyes a little at that- okay, yes, Josh’s hair was really vibrant and out of place, but he didn’t get that dyed hair was such a controversial topic at the church

“They remember me?” Josh sounds genuinely shocked, and Tyler hums in response before adding, “They _really_ like your hair”

“I wouldn’t, uh. Mind going, you know? I mean, Hales _is_ gonna be there, and I haven’t actually been to church in a while, maybe it’d be a good thing” He says, but he’s mostly saying that to try to convince himself that it’s not only because he wants to see Tyler again.

“Yeah, maybe” Tyler echoes “So, you’ll come?”

“I think so, if I wake up in time” Josh says, but he says this as he opens up the alarm clock app and starts adding alarms with names like ‘i can’t believe im doing this, why am i so gay for tyler joseph there’s no other explanation for this’

“Cool!” Tyler says, a little loud and enthusiastic, and then he adds “So, I guess we should go to bed now, right? Since we have an early morning” Josh likes the sound of ‘we’, so he involuntarily smiles at it “Yeah, we should”

Tyler opens his mouth to say ‘goodnight’, but Josh adds “But uh, before you go. This is going to sound really cheesey but… I don’t know. You said that ‘Blurryface’ won’t ever go away, and that he’s part of you forever, and you’re always gonna have that… that pain there. But I mean, you shouldn’t… shouldn’t accept that nothing is going to work out. You should take that pain and fuckin’ ignite it, you know? Fight it. Don’t just accept it for what it is, and just give up… I mean, I don’t think you’re giving up, but I think that you know that ‘Blurryface’ will always be with you, but instead of feeling like nothing will get better, and that you have to… fuck, you have to kill yourself in order for it to get better, you should just fight against him with all that you’ve got”

Tyler doesn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, and then Josh hastily says “I mean, I’m a neurotypical, so I don’t really know anything, but I usually have to, uh. Talk Pete down from the ledge, quote unquote, a lot, so… I mean, I know I’m not really qualified to say anything, but that’s my personal input”

“That’s alright… I tried to fight against it, and it didn’t really work. He just came back stronger… and I’m kind of a coward, what if I try to fight it again, and it just comes back even stronger?” Tyler asks

“You’re not a coward” Josh insists, “You’re really, really not. I get a small glimpse of Pete’s demons when he chooses to tell me about it, and I know it’s bad and it’s really fuckin’ hard, but I think that you should try again”

“Thanks” Tyler says sincerely “I’ll try. I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”

“Alright” Josh yawns, “Goodnight”

“Night” Tyler hangs up after that, and he pulls his headphones out of his ears. He flips over on his stomach and buries his head in his pillow, thinking over Josh’s words.

He falls asleep with “ _Fight it, take the pain, ignite it_ ” floating around in his mind- he’ll try it out again. If not for himself, he’ll try for Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so random, but there was one section here where i wrote "loose" instead of "lose" (ironically (?) i ended up deleting that sentence but) and that reminds me of when i put the lyric "peace will win, fear will lose" on my wall, and then only like a week ago my friend pointed out that i wrote out "peace will win, fear will loose" so... classic uma.... that was on my wall for a good year or so and i didnt even notice... and it's still there cause i'm too lazy to fix it now... peace will win and fear will LOOSE! 
> 
> anyways- i originally planned to write jenna and hayley in this chapter, but i feel like this was better as a stand-alone? just cause it's like now josh Knows(tm) and that's a big moment so. yeah. hopefully in the next couple of chapters josh is gonna open up a little more to tyler cause it seems kinda very one-sided "ur my emotional dumpster"!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to personally thank florence welch for creating the song "drumming song" aka the song that inspired the entire henna (jeyley) section... thank you florence for providing me with warmth and comfort i am forever in debt 2 you... i love you

If anyone had told Hayley she’d be lying in Jenna Black’s bed with her, staring up at the sticky stars on her ceilings while listening to Florence + The Machine 2 weeks ago, she would have probably laughed at them. Very hard.

And yet… that’s exactly what she was doing. It’s late at night (or depending on how you looked at it, early in the morning), but neither of them is tired, or at least tired enough to admit it. They were listening to the “Lungs” album, because the “Lungs” album is the best album ever written, in Hayley’s (right) opinion. And they weren’t even talking much, they were just staring up at the bright stars that Jenna had stuck on the ceiling and on the walls of her blue bedroom.

It was the weirdest night of Hayley’s life- first, Pete and Patrick practically got jumped by Shane and Mark at the dance, which was just _something else,_ and secondly, she took a shower in _Jenna Black’s shower_. She used her _shampoo_ and _body wash_. And now, she was in Jenna’s bed, trying not to stare at the cross on Jenna’s necklace, even though it was glistening, what with the stars on the ceiling. It was so fucked up, it wasn’t right that she had to start… start liking the only girl friend she actually had.

Florence Welch’s voice is so sweet and pure through Jenna’s headphones, but after she sings the “ _Louder than sirens, louder than bells_ , _sweeter than heaven, and hotter than hell”_ line in “Drumming Song”, Jenna pulls off the one headphone in her ear, and props herself on her elbow so that she’s facing Hayley, and Hayley does the same. “I wonder what it’s like to love someone like that”

Hayley’s eyes are used to the darkness in Jenna’s room, enough to notice the way that her eyebrows are furrowed “I mean, I know that we’re only high schoolers, but seriously. All men ever do is give me headaches. All of my past boyfriends were kinda… I don’t know. I’ve never loved as intensely as _this_ before” She pauses for a second “I mean, it might have been that I was always sort of into Tyler, but sometimes I feel like I’ll  never be able to love, just because I’ve never felt anything remotely like this. Or maybe it’s just late at night”

“It’s late at night” Hayley says, but it comes out more like a slur- she’s kinda sleepy, but she tries to stay awake as well as she can. “I wouldn’t stress about it, Jenna. I know that you have a lot of love in your heart, you love Tyler so much. You, like, kept an open mind about everything and you sort of changed the way you thought, just for him”

“But that’s friendship love… okay, like the lyric ‘ _As my feet move towards your body, I can hear this beat it fills my head up and it gets louder and louder’_ yeah, that one, like I didn’t even feel that when I was sleeping with Jake, and I was like… _with_ him. In a sex way”

This makes Hayley almost shoot straight out of bed “You’ve done it before? I thought you were… like… super religious” It comes out wrong, but Jenna just grins and says playfully “Maybe I should teach you a thing or two about keeping an open mind”

“Wait, no, sorry, that came out wrong, it’s just that… I thought that Christians were big on that ‘sex before marriage thing’” Hayley admits, and suddenly her mind fills with flashes of Jenna making out with Jake Sinclair, and doing other things with Jake Sinclair. It’s just about the worst thing to ever happen to her, because she _can’t_ get turned on by Jenna, it’s already bad enough that she sort of likes her.

“Technically we never, uh, went all the way, but it went far enough for me to want to feel something, you know? Like the kissing was good, y’know, and the making out and the… yeah, it was all good, but I never felt love for him, you know? He was like a brother… a brother that made me come…” Jenna says, and holy shit, what they say about sleepovers is true, the whole confessional thing is one hundred accurate.

“Maybe he just wasn’t right for you?” Hayley asks, but Jenna lets out this bitter laugh that makes Hayley sad. Really sad. “I think he knew that I didn’t love him, and I had every reason to, we were good together. But when we broke up, it felt like… like a relief, and that’s the worst part. Like I was relieved that I didn’t have to be worried about him anymore. And I kept telling myself that it was because I liked Tyler, but now I feel like I have no heart. And I wanna be a mom, but if I can’t even love, then how can I do that?”

“But you do love! I know I keep bringing him up, but Jenna, you _love_ Tyler. And not in that way, but you have your entire life to love that way, and you really love Tyler, you sort of changed the way you thought completely for him, and you chose to do that on your own, no one else said you had to do that” Hayley tries to convince her, but Jenna looks skeptical “I guess”

“Maybe you’re just into chicks” Hayley jokes, and then she laughs a little at the thought, mostly for herself. But when she looks back over at Jenna, Jenna’s staring at a spot on the wall, deep in concentration.

“I’m kidding” Hayley says, after a minute of silence. “I’m totally, one-hundred percent kidding”

“I mean… I’ve never considered it an option” Jenna says quietly “This is dumb, right? It’s late”

“It’s late” Hayley repeats, but Hayley’s only really saying it to reassure Jenna. Because this can’t be possible, Hayley has an excellent gay-dar, and even more than that, this is Jenna. Jenna’s… like, super straight, and she goes to church, and okay, gay people go to church and are religious too, but Jenna’s… Jenna.

It’s horrible reasoning, but it’s mostly because Hayley’s brain is short-circuiting.

“I mean… you’re really cute-” Jenna says, and Hayley almost chokes on her own spit “ _Jenna_ ” “-but I don’t… I mean, fuck, I’ve never kissed another girl, but I mean, I always notice girls, they’re girls, you know, they’re the greatest and they’re so pretty and everything they do is like, fucking amazing, but I don’t know if I’m a lesbian… but I never considered it, you can’t consider anything that was never given to you as an option, you know? Like… I never had that idea in my head, because my parents and the church pushed it away from me, and made me see it as this bad and evil thing but now that I’m thinking about it-“

“Maybe you’re just trying to force an idea into your head, and you’re trying to make it fit your situation even though it doesn’t” Hayley says, and okay it’s a little harsh, but Jenna shakes her head “No… it’s like piecing a puzzle together, and I had all of the parts, but now I’m just connecting the pieces together”

That’s not how Hayley found out her sexuality, but something in the back of her mind shouts ‘ _different strokes for different folks’_ in Patrick’s voice. And she guesses it sorts of makes sense, but it’s just… so unexpected.

“But I don’t play softball and my hair is long, y’know, I’ve never really-“ “Stereotypes, man. You could be the girliest girl in the world and be a lesbian, or bi, or pan, it just depends on you”

Jenna takes a deep breath, and she runs her fingers through her hair, like she’s still trying to process everything- Hayley doesn’t blame her. “I… okay, this is embarrassing” Hayley just nods, and Jenna continues “But when I… _y’know_ , I don’t really imagine body parts? I just… think about how it feels. And I like kissing, I like that a lot, so I just remember how that feels, and that’s what, like, does it for me, but I never thought about it like… from a lesbian approach? Like, okay, I always… thought about boys, because I was told that thinking about girls was bad, but no, I definitely thought about girls without thinking I did, because… I don’t know! Maybe I am just making this up in my head” She frowns, and runs through everything in her head again.

“I mean, you could be bisexual, or pansexual” Hayley offers and Jenna’s frown depends “…what is a pansexual” and then Hayley explains pansexuality, in her opinion “Well… it’s sort of like you’re attracted to personality? You’re attracted to all genders, and to people who don’t identify as a gender, and you’re basically attracted to a person’s personality more than just their body parts?”

It’s sort of interesting, watching an idea click in someone’s brain. Because Jenna gets this look in her eyes like she’s just discovered something that was there her whole life, but she never really understood it until now.

“I like how that sounds” She says, finally. “I feel like I should maybe think about this when it’s not 2 in the morning, but… I feel good about this. I… I don’t feel scared, you know? I’m glad that you decided to talk to me that day” She says, sincerely, “even though I was a total asshole, I’m glad that we’re friends, you know?”

“I’m glad that we’re friends too” Hayley says with a smile, and then Jenna puts her headphone back on “So, wanna finish the album and then go to sleep? We gotta wake up early tomorrow”

And then Hayley puts her headphone in, and goes back to looking up at the ceiling. Her heart is beating so fast, and she sort of finally understands this song now- She gets a little closer to Jenna, and it feels like her chest is going to explode, but the feeling is so _addicting_. She’s thinking it might be love, but then she tries to convince herself that it’s late, and that it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t really work.

_There’s a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you’re around. I swear that you could hear it; it makes such an almighty sound_

* * *

_Josh [4:20 AM]: 420!!!!!!!!!!! Also i’m going to church tomorrow? tyler invited me?_

_Hayley [4:21 AM]:oh cool now I wont be the only one with dyed hair, maybe we can stick together!!!_

_Pete [4:22 AM]: o shit ur all going to church? lit lit lit i wanna go too tf_

_Patrick [4:23 AM]: If Pete’s gonna be there and you’re gonna be there and Hayley’s going to be there should I come too???_

_Hayley [4:26 AM]: pete, don’t come I’m begging you. patrick, yes_

_Pete [7:02 AM]: you’re being homophobic hayley :OOOO and too late i already told my mom i’d go with her today :P sucks 2 suck_

Josh read over the last couple of messages in their group chat with a grim smile. On one hand, he’d have his best friends with him when he made his return to the church, something that he wasn’t really looking forward to (mostly for all of the questions about where his parents were, and why he had gauges in his ears), but on the other hand, he sort of wanted alone time with Tyler.

Still- he couldn’t just really tell them no, now that they had invited themselves, so he just shrugs to himself and opens his closet to find something to wear.

…And then 30 minutes, and a ‘what should you wear to church’ Google search later, he’s standing in front of the church. He remembers it very faintly from his childhood- it’s been a really long time. He’s alone and late, but Patrick texts him from inside of the church and says that he saved him a spot, and that all he has to do is find a way to sneak in.

But there’s no back door, and no window that Josh can climb through (yeah, he’d be willing to do that), so he has to go through the huge front doors. And he almost turns back around on his heel, but then he remembers his conversation with Tyler, and then he reaches for the handle of the door.

He opens the door, and a gush of cold air hits him- it feels sort of uncomfortable and unwelcoming, and it’s dark. There’s another set of doors that lead into the actual church, and it sounds like people are singing, which works in Josh’s favor, since no one will really be paying attention to him. He swings the second door like it’s nothing, and, of course, everyone’s staring at him.

Well, they’re staring at the pastor, who’s standing facing the congregation, with his back to the doors, and his back to Josh.  Josh’s eyes widen when he sees everyone’s eyes shift from the pastor to him, and he bites on his tongue, hard. He can see Tyler at the piano, and how he notices Josh, and his bright blue hair, and he watches as Tyler’s confused expression turns into one of actual horror. And then he looks to his left, and Pete’s next to his parents and siblings, and he’s trying very hard to stifle his laughter. But it doesn’t really work, because his father gives him a look of distain.

Thank the Lord (Really, Josh is becoming a believer already), the pastor starts walking back to the front of the church, and people stop gawking at Josh, for the most part. Pete’s still snickering as Josh practically runs to the free spot next to Patrick.

_Hayley [10:28 AM]: dude… RIP holy shit :////_

_Pete [10:28 AM]: literally holy!_

“Am I allowed to curse in the body of Christ because… I’m gonna fucking throw myself off of a cliff” Josh mutters under his breath, and Patrick rolls his eyes, although he looks like he sort of pities Josh. A lot. “Don’t say that. Anyways, it’s not… _that_ bad? Maybe?”

Josh doesn’t say anything after that, he just leans back in his seat when everyone sits back down and he closes his eyes momentarily to regain his breath. He hears his phone buzz a couple more times, and he suspects it’s Pete making fun of him in the group chat, so he doesn’t even bother to look at it. And he curses himself, again, for coming here, but Tyler asked him to, and he opens his eyes momentarily to look over at Tyler, who’s sitting at the piano and reading one of the scripture verses, and then he decides it’s sort of worth it.

Because Tyler looks okay, and Tyler doesn’t look like he wasn’t totally having a mental breakdown the other night, and it’s a weird thing to know something like that about a person when no one else does. Not that Josh thought that Tyler was going to be sobbing in the middle of the service, but it’s just so… _odd_ that Tyler can act like this normal guy when it seems like his entire life is crashing around him. It’s almost respectable, in a way.

Tyler catches Josh staring at him, so he gives him this small smile, so Josh, of course, smiles back at him. And then Patrick nudges his side and whispers “What the hell happened between you guys? Or… what the _heck_ happened between you guys?”

“I’ll explain later” Josh whispers back, breaking his and Tyler’s eye contact so that he can look back at Patrick. Patrick shrugs next to him, and pulls out his phone. “Pete said to tell you to ‘get rekt’, by the way”

Josh leans over so that he can glare at Pete, and Pete just gives him a thumbs up.

* * *

In the middle of the service, the pastor calls everyone to spread the peace of the Lord, so everyone gets out of their seat to shake hands and just walk around. It’s Tyler’s favorite part of service, just because he gets to talk with Jenna, and he can get some of the tension out of his shoulders. Plus, he’s just sharing peace with everyone- he's still a believer, and it might just be in his head, but he likes giving himself false hope that if enough people give him peace, that 'Blurryface' will slowly but surely begin to back off and not be so 'in his face' all of the time. 

“Peace be with you” Tyler says, with a smile when he reaches Jenna. And Jenna takes his hand and shakes it and says “And also with you” and then she looks over to Hayley. And Tyler doesn’t really know Hayley, like at all, but she looks very “churchy”, in her knee-length flower dress. She takes his hand, and says the same “Peace be with you” to him, before looking back to Jenna "That's it?" and Jenna nods "Yeah, that's it"

“Did you see Josh?” Hayley asks Tyler, just to include him in their conversation. And Tyler laughs nervously, bringing a hand over to scratch at the back of his neck “The better question would be who _didn’t_ see Josh?”

“True... I’m gonna go see if I can go find him, if he’s not hiding out or something” Hayley says, and it’s meant to be a joke, but Hayley can actually see that in her head, can see Josh hiding out in the bathroom. She turns on her heel, and she goes to try to pass a whole crowd of people crowding around one person, until she realizes that everyone is crowding around Josh.

“Where are your parents, Josh?” “Why’d it take so long for you to come back to the church?” “Where is the rest of your family?” “Why is your hair blue, darling? Not that it looks bad, but…” are just a few of the questions and statements being thrown at Josh, at rapid speed. He's surrounded by a bunch of white ladies and they're all yelling and he sort of feels like the Mr. Krabs meme that Pete keeps texting him- so many things are happening at once, and he feels vaguely threatened. In a _church_. 

 But then a woman comes up to him and asks in an accusatory tone “ _You’re_ Josh Dun?” and it's almost like Josh's world screeches to a halt. He looks over at her, and she looks so vaguely familiar, and there's just something about her that screams "I'm Tyler's mother", even though he can barely see traces of Tyler's kind soul in her. She’s staring at him with her arms crossed over her chest, and she looks so authoritative that it sends a chill up Josh’s spine.

“Yes, I’m Josh Dun” He says to her, and she glares at him impossibly harder. “What are you doing here?” She asks, and Josh blinks at her before he stutters “Attending… church… Praise the Lord...”

She doesn’t look like she believes him, and Josh wouldn’t blame her. But she gives him a sickly sweet smile, and she says “Why don’t you sit with my family and I? It’s been so long since we’ve seen you, you know? Why aren’t your parents here?” And then she puts her hand on Josh’s shoulder and guides him to the pew that Tyler’s family was sitting in.

Josh glances over his shoulder and mouths “Help me!” to Patrick, but Patrick just sends back a ‘I’m sorry man, I can’t help you now’ look. So he accepts his doom, and continues to walk back with Tyler’s mom. Everything about this is wrong on so many levels, and he looks like he's going to puke. Which he thinks would kind of be funny, but he already made a fool of himself not even 30 minutes ago. Tyler's mom guides him in the pew so that he's sitting in between her and Tyler's sister. 

"Hi, I'm Josh" He says, and holds his hand out to shake Maddy's hand. Maddy's eyes widen when she sees Josh's hair, and she reaches a hand over to touch it. "Woah, your hair looks cool..." She says, and then she pulls her hand quickly. And Josh isn't even facing Tyler's mom, but he can practically feel the heat of her glare on his back. He doesn't understand how Tyler can do it, and he has this weird feeling in his stomach, like he really just wants to hug his own mother and thank her for not glaring at him so much, or something.

Tyler sits back down at his piano, and Josh watches as Tyler glances back over to where Patrick's sitting. Tyler frowns, and he cranes his head a little to make sure that Josh wasn't, like, hiding. He watches as Tyler scans the crowd, and then his eyes land on his family. And it's still a little loud in the church, but everyone heard the way that Tyler's hand slipped on the keys, and make an ugly discordant sound. His eyes are wide, and he mutters a "Sorry" under his breath, but then he looks back up, and Josh mouths "She just came up to me!". He doesn't think that Tyler got it though, because Tyler just looks back on the keys and he doesn't say anything else.

"So, you're friends with Tyler?" Tyler's mom asks, and Josh nods stiffly "Uh, yeah, I guess... He plays basketball all the time... I mean, no, he's a good student, and he gets his work done, but he plays basketball of the time. Every... every day, he's just, er, out there! Making those baskets! Shooting the... the hoops!" Josh tries to lie for Tyler, but he ends up sounding like an idiot. He hears someone scoff, trying to disguise their laughter, and when he turns his head, Hayley's behind him. She flashes him an apologetic look, but it doesn't make Josh feel any better.

"Right..." She narrows her eyes at him, but she doesn't say anything else. He just grabs one of the books with all of the songs in them, and he pretends to read through the songs for lack of knowing what to do with himself. Right before communion, someone comes around with a basket for offerings, which Josh totally forgot about, and he definitely didn't miss the judgmental look Tyler's mom gives him as he tries to smooth out a 5 dollar bill from the inside of his pocket, but it makes Hayley laugh a little, and okay, knowing that all of his friends are there with him _is_ a little comforting.

But it still sucks. Because how did Tyler wanting to show him a snip-bit of their song turn into... turn into this! Pete's sitting with his family and Josh knows he's going crazy with boredom because the group chat is being spammed with 'do u think je$us waz gay?' and Josh knows that Patrick's probably in the back listening to Michael Jackson, and okay, Hayley and Jenna have this weird thing going on that she's not telling anyone about and... and how did Josh's life become so fucking crazy? Why was he sitting with Tyler's family at church, and most of all, why is he even here, when he could have come after the service and it would have been fine!

" _It's because you like him, dipshit_ " A voice in Josh's head rings out, a voice that sounds Patrick, and Josh sighs inwardly. Yeah, that's it. And it's not even tragic because Tyler's straight, because Tyler _doesn't_ think he's straight, it's just sad because Tyler would never want to date Josh. 

The rest of the service goes by quickly after that, since it's only communion and another 2 songs or so songs, but Tyler's mom doesn't let him go so quickly. "So, Josh, as you know, Tyler has his basketball championship coming up very soon?" And Josh nods "Yes, yes ma'am, that's all Tyler ever talks about! E-every word out of his mouth, it's basketball! Good ol' Tyler!"

"Right, anyways, so I'm hoping that you two can finish your silly little project by tomorrow? So that Tyler can practice more" She states, and then she gives him that little glare thing, like "Don't you dare question me"

"But... but we're not done with it, we barely started it" He says before he can stop finish, and then he quickly adds "I mean, we barely started the ending, we barely started the last few sections, we have been doing a lot of work, you know, uh, when Tyler's not practicing, and Tyler, he practices a lot, but he manages his time! That he does!"

Tyler's mom doesn't say anything after that, she gives him this look that says "You're a fucking idiot and my son is losing brain cells every time he talks to you" and then she takes her husband's hand and they walk down to coffee hour together. It's mostly empty now, save for a few people. And Tyler Joseph.

"What did she say to you?" is the first thing that Tyler asks, and Josh winces "Good morning to you too". Tyler sighs, and runs his hand through his hair, and he looks like he wants to pull on it, but he refrains. "Sorry, she just looked mad, and my mom being mad isn't a good thing, and-"

"Dude, I know. She got mad at your sister and I could feel her glare through my shirt, like it was like a laser beam or something, I don't know..." He trails off, and then he tries to give Tyler the most serious look he can muster up "But how are you feeling? I mean, last night was-"

"We don't have to talk about it, at least not here" Tyler sounds pained, but he looks like he wants to talk about it eventually, so Josh doesn't press. "Anyways, I actually did some lyrics last night after we talked... I wrote it in the dark and I wrote until I fell asleep, because of, uh, you know... 'Blurryface', and it's probably shitty-" "It's not shitty, your writing is good" Josh says sincerely, and Tyler just looks up at him with a blank expression "Right... anyways, but here it is. Basically, it's told from my point of view, and a little of yours, and it's about, y'know, uh, 'Blurryface'-" 

"We could pull a Harry Potter and just call 'Blurryface' You-Know-Who" Josh says with a grin, and Tyler actually cracks a smile "Oh my gosh, that sounds ridiculous. But okay, so anyways, it's about You-Know-Who, and just... just read this" Tyler slides over his notebook on the piano, and Josh catches it. He moves over to sit next to Tyler on the bench, and he quickly skims over the sections that are highlighted in blue (there's a little key- Red for Tyler, Black for 'Blurryface', and Blue for Josh. There's also a Yellow for 'God', but there's nothing highlighted in yellow yet)

 _Remember the moment_  
_You know exactly where you're going,_  
_'Cause the next moment,_  
_Before you know it, time is slowing_  
_And it's frozen still,_  
_And the window sill looks really nice, right?_  
_You think twice about your life,_  
_It probably happens at night,_  
_Right?_  
  
_Fight it,_  
_Take the pain, ignite it,_  
_Tie a noose around your mind_  
_Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it_  
_To a tree. Tell it, "You belong to me._  
_This ain't a noose, this is a leash._  
_And I have news for you: you must obey me_

"Wait... this is me?" Josh asks, a little breathless. It's really, really, really, _really_ fucking powerful, and it kind of hurts his head, in the best way possible. He recognizes some of the words there, but a lot of it he doesnt, which means that Tyler must have _thought_ of Josh telling him those things. And Josh thinks he's an okay friend, but he never knew that he could be inspiring.

"Yeah, that's what you say to me. To like, I don't know, remind me that killing myself isn't the only way out of this... that, like, I'm gonna probably have to live with You-Know-Who forever, but I shouldn't let it kill me. Like, okay, like this line, " _I'm taking over my body, back in control, no more shotty_ ", like... I'm done letting You-Know-Who control every aspect of my life, you know? And then the, and then the " _You are surrounding all my surroundings, sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain, twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes, and I'll be holding on to you"_  , well that was going to be about God, but that's also about You-Know-Who, and... you know what, I'm just gonna call him 'Blurryface'

"So yeah, that's about 'Blurryface', because he's everywhere I go, you know, and he used to control the way I thought, but now I am! I'm gonna... gonna try to control that part of me without letting it go, because 'Blurryface' will always be there, I can't deny that, and I can't pretend like it's going to get better on it's own, I gotta... gotta take control, you know? And that's where you come in, because you're always there for me and you always remind me that dying won't change anything. And I haven't written the ending yet, but yeah, that's just how it goes, and I can play some of it for you too!"

Tyler finishes his long speech with a satisfied grin, and a deep breath. "Say something" 

"I... I can't! That's so good, that's so good what the fuck, I'm so proud of you" Josh says, a little numb, because of everything Tyler just said. Tyler's smile falters a little, and he gulps "You're proud of me?"

"Yes! What the fuck, yes, I'm so proud of you, oh my God? This is so good, and I'm just glad that you think that, and you're going to try to stop 'Blurryface' from stopping you from living your life, and just... wow" Josh is, obviously, at a loss for words, but Tyler is even more so.

Because his parents tell him that they're proud of him, but they're always proud about things that don't mean anything to Tyler. Tyler doesn't give a shit about his grades and basket when he has to deal with the abuse and 'Blurryface', and yet, Josh is right here, and he's proud of Tyler, and Tyler's ears are practically ringing.

"No one has ever really said that to me" Tyler admits, and his hands are shaking a little, and Josh grins at him "Well, I'm proud of you, man. This is really good"

They stare at each other for a while, just smiling at each other and saying things like "Oh my God" and "I'm serious, it's good!" and Josh really wants to kiss Tyler right now. He really, really, really wants to kiss him, but he won't, but he wants to, because he really likes Tyler's smile, and his not-perfectly-straight teeth that look adorable on him, and Josh would take all of Tyler's quote unquote imperfections because Tyler's Tyler, and there's just something about Tyler that Josh really likes. 

"I think I like you" Josh blurts out, and he immediately regrets it, because he's sure that Tyler would run out of there, and never talk to him, but surprisingly Tyler doesn't? Tyler just nods, and he laughs shyly "Um... I mean, I like you too? You're a good friend"

Aaaaand that's why Tyler didn't freak out on him. Josh opens his mouth to say something, but then he hears footsteps, and Pete's braying laughter. "Oh, that's where you guys are! We've been looking everywhere!"

He's holding a box of donuts, and Patrick's trailing behind him with some coffee. And Jenna and Hayley are behind them, walking extremely close to each other. But no one really thinks much of it. 

"Ooh, donuts?" Tyler says, and Pete slides the box over to him "Yup, we've only got glazed and chocolate left, though. Jenna and Hayley took the good ones" Patrick pouts, and Jenna shrugs "What's that saying? Early bird gets the donuts?" 

"Yeah, obviously" Hayley laughs. Tyler grabs the glazed donut and the same time that Josh grabs the chocolate one. Pete jumps up on the piano, and he lies on his stomach, kicking his legs back and forth as he looks over to Tyler and Josh. "So, can we talk about how Josh walked in while everyone was staring at him cause I feel like that needs to be discussed in great detail"

And everyone laughs, including Josh, but Josh looks over at Tyler, and Tyler looks over at Josh, and they're just being dumb and silly, but what Josh said earlier, about liking him, clicks in Tyler's head. Josh sees the way that Tyler's eyebrows furrow together, just a little, but other than that? Nothing happens. They just continue to laugh, and Josh isn't sure if that means everything is going to be okay or not, but overall, he's sort of glad that he made the decision to come to church. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont even have a good reason why this is so late, i set to update this on saturday and then???? i just got lazy tbh :'( also i havent been to a church since well christmas but i mean they do different stuff on christmas, so lets just say that i havent been to church in forever, so im sorry if some aspects of this are wrong! sorry that i made gayness happen there too... also i had a better plan for this chapter but like i feel like i have good ideas but im not a good writer to make it happen? it's like "stay in ur lane and don't try to do things that u know that you're incapable of writing" and part of my brain is like "they say stay in ur lane boy, lane boy" and the other part of my brain is like "true! you're in too deep and you hyped this story up way too much but true!" so thats where im at right now


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****hey, just as warning- this chapter has a lot of really gross homophobia and slurs in it, so if you dont wanna read it, that's alright! i'll just put a summary in the end notes for you!****

Josh hates Monday mornings, but he has a sick feeling in his gut that he's going to hate this particular Monday morning just a little bit more.

Because Patrick and Pete were very much still attending their high school, and Shane and Mark were very much still homophobic assholes that had chased Patrick and Pete down and threatened them two nights ago.

“Do you think they’ll even remember? They’re kinda dumb, I doubt they’ll even remember” Josh offers, but Patrick shakes his head with a grim look on his face.

“I don’t think so. But I mean, it’s not like they can kill us…” He trails off, and Pete pipes up “Actually, I’d like to die very much cause of the SATs”

“Yeah, same, but I don’t wanna die in the hands of fuckin’ Shane Morris. I wanna die in the hands off… well, Michael Jackson is already dead, rest in peace, but…” Patrick looks over to Josh for some input, but Josh just shrugs in response.

Josh didn’t really know what he expected to happen when he became friends with Tyler Joseph. Like, he thought that there’d be some sort of universal sign that said to leave Josh and his friends alone, because they occasionally hung out with _the_ Tyler Joseph, but things only got worse. And Tyler turned out to be completely different than Josh expected.

But, like, a good different. Even if that different came with ‘Blurryface’ and parental abuse that Tyler didn’t understand yet. Or, parental abuse that Tyler recognized, but didn’t do anything about. Josh still hasn't really figured that one out yet, because Tyler refuses to talk about it. 

It’s still a little weird to think that tomorrow, Tuesday, would mark two weeks since they were given their assignment, because it feels like Josh has known Tyler for months (well, technically, they knew each other when they were little, but he doesn’t really count that.).  It’s mind boggling to think that Josh even wanted another partner, because imagining not talking on the phone with Tyler and not listening to his music, or reading his poetry was a thought that mostly really sucked. It’s also mind boggling that Josh admitted his crush on Tyler to him, but he tries not to think about that, because Tyler hasn’t brought it up. It was dumb of him to do, in his opinion, and it’s not like Tyler would feel the same about him, so there was no point in getting his hopes up, unlike Hayley.

But unknown to Josh, Hayley and Jenna were “getting a lot further” than him and Josh were. Like… by a ton. Hayley wasn't even walking with them to school, because she was out with Jenna to get coffee before school. 

“Earth to Josh… Earth to Josh!” Pete says loudly, waving his hands in front of Josh’s face, and Josh suddenly blinks back to reality. 

“Sorry, I was thinking…” Josh mumbles, and then he rubs at his eyes just a little, because the world is suddenly in focus again. And he can see Shane sneering at them from the top of the stairs that lead to the front of the school, so he sighs. "I think that Shane's staring at us" he says, and then Patrick whips his head around to see for himself. And lo and behold, it's Shane glaring straight at Patrick. 

“God, you’d think they’d have something to do besides obsess over some gay guys” Patrick grits his teeth, and he clenches his fists up. He starts marching towards Shane, and then Pete and Josh glance at each other, before trying to run up to Patrick to stop him from doing something stupid. Once Patrick starts, it's hard for him to stop. 

“You’ve got some nerve, coming back here” Shane says to Patrick, and he shoves his books into some poor freshmen’s arms to hold for him. Patrick holds his glare, and he replies back snappily “That’s because my friends and I aren’t afraid of you”

Pete stands next to Josh, who is just behind Patrick. It's not that he's afraid of Shane, per say, but Pete's not really the kind of person to initiate fights. He's the person who has to hold Patrick back and crack a joke about it. 

“Your faggy boyfriend seems to be afraid of me. Does he usually make you fight his battles?” Shane asks sweetly, and Patrick moves a little closer to Shane so that he can better glare daggers into him. They’re attracting a crowd, which is about the worst thing that they could do. Patrick looks so small and fragile compared to Shane. But Patrick’s not small (well… he’s short) and he’s definitely not fragile. One thing that people never expect Patrick to do is lash out, because Patrick has this front of baby blue eyes, soft and fair skin, but then Patrick really goes off. 

Patrick narrows his eyes and he spits out “Don’t fucking talk about my fucking boyfriend, asshole. We are not afraid of a dumbass like you, who can’t even come up with intelligent insults. I mean, really, how many times are you going to hit us with that “emo fag” bullshit, I’ve heard it a thousand times. I’m just sick of hearing your voice, actually. And I’m sick of seeing your face around me, so I’d just really appreciate if you stayed the fuck away from me. You don’t have to catch any gay disease, or whatever the fuck you think I have, and I can actually go a day without trying to stop myself from puking at the mere sound of your voice”

Pete and Josh both blink at each other in shock. _Well then_ …

And now, they’ve gained an even bigger crowd, one that includes Tyler, Jenna, Hayley, and standing away from them, Mark. Hayley’s staring at Patrick with her mouth open in shock, and Jenna and Tyler are on either side her, equally shocked. Mark just looks pissed off, though. 

“I’m sick of seeing you fucking homos all around the school, it’s sick! It’s fucking unnatural, that shit is in the Bible! Right, Tyler?!” and then Shane turns around to Tyler for some sort of approval. Tyler just looks like a deer in headlights. “Um… um…” He stutters out, and Shane rolls his eyes at Tyler before saying “It’s not fucking natural, it’s sick.”

“ _’Says the Bible_?!’ Who the fuck are you?! Even if the Bible did say that certain people couldn’t, y’know, be in love, I don’t have to listen to the Bible, it’s not like it’s the law, it’s not like all of our lives and every action we do has to be mandated the Bible, right? Please tell me that you can at least find some common sense inside of your dense head to understand that" 

And Shane is obviously embarrassed now, so he says “I don’t have time for this bullshit. You, me, in the parking lot at 3” He says, and Patrick laughs short and crudely “Uh, no? I’m not going to go? What are you going to do about that? Punch me? You can’t make me do anything, and I’d actually like to settle whatever fucking problem you have with me and my friends right here and now. Unlike you, I have more than 2 brain cells, and I don’t just use my fists to fight.”

But Shane looks like he’s had enough, so he raises his fist to punch Patrick. Before he can do that, Josh steps up and says “Hey, just letting you know, if you hit Patrick in front of all these witnesses, I’ll just tell the principal and get you kicked out of your championship game” He says calmly, a complete 180 from Patrick, but that’s what makes Shane suddenly pause. Because no one has evidence that they, the jocks and the rest of the school in general, say homophobic slurs to them, but the second that they touch any of them, they can just tell the principal and get them suspended from the game.

Tyler’s eyes are wide as Josh continues “I mean, wouldn’t it just absolutely suck if you didn’t even attend your championship game? I mean, Tyler carries your entire team, so it’s not like it’d make that much of a difference for the school, but for you… damn. That would really, really suck.” He says, mockingly sad.

And Shane can’t do anything, he can do nothing but surrender at this point. 

“You’ll pay for this, Stump. You’ll fucking pay for this, I swear-“ and then Shane can’t finish his sentence because Pete finds some courage in him, and _he spits in Shane’s face._

It’s like a scene out of a movie, where everyone is dead quiet with shock for a good couple of seconds. It’s only broken by the sound of Hayley laughing hysterically. And then everyone joins in, because Pete… _Pete spit in Shane’s face_. Pete, who’s almost an entire foot shorter than Shane. Shane looks horrified, and he rubs at his face frantically. Between that, and the soda being thrown in his face, it’s been a hard couple of days for him.

Pete looks back at Patrick, and shrugs a little sheepishly, and before they can do anything else, the 1st period bell rings. The entire crowd rushes to go to their classes so that they’re not late, and Shane disappears in that mix somehow, along with Tyler and Jenna, so it’s just Josh, Pete, Hayley, and Patrick left.

“Oh… my God. Did anyone film that? Because I feel like I need to see that from all angles possible” Pete says finally, and then Hayley rolls her eyes, but passes over her phone. “I got almost all of it, knowing you”

But even though Tyler isn’t with them, Tyler can’t help but feel a sense of pride. Like, sure, Josh and his friends are all probably on Shane’s hit list, but they actually stood up to their bully, something Tyler knows that they’ve never really done before.

And somewhere in the back of Tyler’s mind, he wonders if he would ever be able to do that to ‘Blurryface’, even though he’s not a physical person. He wonders if he could get to a point where ‘Blurryface’ is just a part of him the way that Shane is part of the school, and he wonders if he could ever just get ‘Blurryface’ to leave him alone the way that Patrick yelled at Shane to leave him alone, so that they’re just two entities existing together, but nothing more.

* * *

“That was a real snake move you pulled this morning” Mark says, as he passes the ball to Tyler.

“Snake move?” Tyler’s genuinely confused, so he frowns. He dribbles the ball for a second or two, before he shoots the ball into the basket with a grim look on his face. It wasn’t even that good of a shot, he knows he can do better, but he pushes that thought at the back of his mind.

“Yeah, you know. You didn’t even stick up for Shane, you just left him hanging so those fags could roast him” Mark says, trying to sound as casual as possible. But it mostly makes chills go up and down Tyler’s spine.

“Oh… sorry, it was kind of random. I don’t like getting in the middle of things, my parents…” He trails off, and this is where Mark normally stops, because Mark knows that Tyler’s parents can be a little, well, _pushy_ , but he doesn’t stop there this time.

“We’re a fuckin’ team, Tyler. Like… I know that your parents have a stick up their ass-“ “Well,” “-but come on, bro. We’re a fucking team. We all know that you and that Dun freak have been spending time together-“

“We have a project!” “-but shit, man. Where are your priorities at, bro? Your team or a bunch of queers?”

The 5-minute bell rings, signaling everyone to go down to the locker rooms to change and get their belongings to go to their next period class, so Mark moves closer and walks down with Tyler to the locker room. It’s a little too close for comfort; it reminds Tyler of ‘Blurryface’, in the way that it feels like Mark’s just breathing down Tyler’s neck.

“I have to finish my project” Tyler says exasperatedly. “I can’t just call them… _those words_ , and then expect to be able to finish my project”

“ _Those words_? Geez, what the hell is up with you?” Mark has never really been mad at Tyler, but suddenly Tyler sees a flash of something he’s never seen before in his eyes. It makes Tyler feel so small, and claustrophobic, and it was only a _look_. And he’s never really experienced homophobia directed at him, and it’s not even really directed at him, but he can’t help but feel like he’s being targeted.

“Nothing! Just… I don’t have a problem with gay people! The bible says to love your neighbor as yourself, so… that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know, I don’t really care what they do” Tyler says slowly, and Mark looks at him, momentarily, and says “Yeah, but Patrick Stump isn’t your neighbor”

“What?”

“He’s not your neighbor!” “…It’s meant in like a metaphorical sense… like, you know, neighbor meaning everyone in the world” He explains slowly, but then Mark narrows his eyes and says “Are you calling me dumb?”

“No, I’m not calling you dumb, I’m just…” Tyler trails off, before he finds his train of thought. “I’m just explaining to you that I can’t just go around hating gay people if God wouldn’t want me to do that”

And Mark doesn’t really have a response for that, so he goes on another tangent. “You’ve been spending a lot of with them. We’ve all noticed”

Tyler sighs, and he wants to scream at them “ _Because you all have eyes and I’m not trying to actively hide the fact that Josh and I are friends?!?!?!_ ”, but he instead opts for saying “I know, but it’s for our project” in a calm voice.

“Oh, so Jenna throwing soda in Shane’s face on Saturday was for your fucking project?” Mark yells loud enough to attract attention, and Tyler gulps. He didn’t know about that at all.

“I… I don’t know, I,” but Mark doesn’t give Tyler any room to keep talking, because he keeps going. “I _know_ that you know that Jenna’s been acting weird. She dyed her hair, she’s been hanging around that lesbo Hayley, and now this morning, what did she do? She laughed along with that fucking lesbian freak. What, you and Jenna becoming buddy buddy with them?”

And Tyler really hates confrontation, and he knows that this will come back to haunt him, but hearing Mark insult Jenna and Hayley like that set something off in Tyler.

“What if we were friends?! It doesn’t fucking matter! I’m still playing with the team, and I’m still getting us all to the championship, why do you care about who I hang out with?! And leave Jenna alone, maybe she’s just tired of you guys being ignorant all of the time!” Tyler yells, before he slams his locker door shut. “I’m… I’m tired of you guys just throwing slurs around like it’s nothing, like it’s not hurting people!”

“Something happened to you” Mark says, stepping back a little, almost like he’s afraid that Tyler’s the one who’s going to lash out at him. “You were never like this”

“I was never like what? Not a shitty fucking person?” Tyler asks, before he balls up his fists. But he keeps them at his side, and he says “I’m just tired of everyone acting like something is wrong with… with my friends, when in reality they’re less ignorant and horrible than everyone else in this room”

The bell rings, and much like in the morning, the crowd dissipates as everyone rushes to get to their next class. So no one really hears it when Mark says “Everyone thinks that you’re gay”

And it should be a big deal, and Tyler feels like he should be more upset about it, but he just turns back to Mark and says “I don’t give a shit” and then he walks away.

* * *

Tyler’s singing voice is just about the strangest, most comforting thing Josh has ever heard in his life. And he watches ASMR videos, like, all the time.

Like… Tyler doesn’t necessarily have a nice singing voice, but that’s what Josh likes the most about it. It’s not like Patrick, where it’s all velvet and chocolate, or Hayley, where it’s fire and sheer passion. Tyler’s voice is awkward and so real that it hurts a little.

“I mean, I know my voice isn’t as good as Patrick’s, but…” Tyler trails off, and Josh shakes his head “What? No, it’s good! I mean, it’s different, but a good different, you know?”

“Is that your way of telling me I suck?” Tyler asks, but he says with a hint of a smile, so Josh just rolls his eyes playfully “Shut up, I liked it”

In the last 20 minutes or so, Tyler recorded most of the piano parts for their song; it’s amazing what can get done when one actually puts their mind to it. And then Josh laid down a basic drum beat for the first verse, and the chorus. And then Tyler rapped the first verse.

And it’s one thing to look at the lyrics on paper, but it’s another thing to actually listen to the words. Josh really doesn’t know how to explain it, but watching Tyler’s face as he rapped the verse, and watching the way that he tapped his foot to the beat, and brought his hands up to his heart and just moved with the music was almost magical. Pete would probably make fun of him for saying it, but everything Tyler did had some sort of magic to it.

And when he sang the chorus, and it felt like the world came to a screeching halt. And maybe it was the subject matter, but between the way he hissed “twisting”, and the way that he sang “you are surrounding all my surroundings”, it all felt so personal.

“I don’t really know how drums work, but can you do something a little more intense for your verse? And do a little transition thingy? If you want, that is” Tyler asks, and Josh nods, going back to the drums. And then he does what Tyler asked; drumming sort of comes naturally to him in that way. He hits the drums with more intensity and the words “ _Your_ verse” burn in his mind. It feels a little more than special.

“Is that good?” Josh asks when he’s done, and Tyler nods, before going back to the computer. He synch up the drum beat with the piano, listens to it, and he puts his headphones on, to rap the second verse.

Josh watches as Tyler hits the record moment, and taps out the beat on his thigh, before he goes in with “ _Remember the moment, you know exactly where’s you’re going_ ” and ends with a firm “‘ _And I have news for you: you must obey me_!’”

His chest heaves when he presses the record button again, to stop it, and he turns to look at Josh with a grin. “Good?”

“Fucking amazing” is the only thing that Josh can really say; he’s so overwhelmed with appreciation and a burst of something that resembles love.

“That felt really empowering… I feel like shouting that from the rooftops” Tyler says to Josh, but when Josh just nods as a reply, Tyler frowns. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just… wow. I don’t know… sometimes I just feel so small, and unimportant. Like… I’m a footnote in people’s lives, like I don’t even matter, and I guess this sounds egotistic, but that just…. I don’t know. It felt really nice, I guess. I’m glad that I matter to someone” Josh says finally.

Because it’s true; Hayley has Jenna now, and Pete and Patrick have always had each other, and sometimes Josh feels like he doesn’t even matter, that if he just dropped off the face of the earth, no one would really care. If he just moved away again, no one would really care, and if he just died, no one would really care.

“You more than matter to me, Josh. Like… you practically talk me down from the ledge, you know?” Tyler says, and Josh shrugs. “I know, but still. It just feels nice to be acknowledged, I guess. Maybe I’m just being selfish”

“No, you’re not being selfish, I know what you mean. And hey, if it makes you feel any better, you’re probably the person that matters the most to me right now…” Tyler trails off, and he smiles gently at Josh and bumps his shoulder with Josh’s. “And I like you too, by the way. I think that it’s gonna take me a while to understand, and come to actual terms with, but… I like you too”

“You _like_ like me?” Josh asks, a little breathless, and Tyler nods slowly, moving his hand so that it’s resting on Josh’s knee. And then he looks into Josh’s eyes and says “Yeah, I _like_ like you. Elementary school terms, and all”

Suddenly, Josh doesn't mind Monday mornings anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *in the glee voice* so here's what u missed on 500 baskets: shane gives josh+ his friends these gross looks, because of what happened on saturday (aka when he chased pete and patrick down, and jenna threw her soda in his face) and then patrick notices, so then he goes up to shane, and starts telling him off. and then that continues for a while. in that mess, shane turns to tyler and is like "oh the bible says its disgusting right?!" and tyler's like "um... uh..." and then shane ignores him and keeps going, and then when shane's about to punch patrick, josh is like "hey, if you hit patrick, i'll just tell the principal and get you kicked off the team right before your championship game. i mean tyler carries ur entire team anyways, but!" and then pete spits in shane's face. so after, mark comes up to tyler and he likes "bro, why didnt you stick up for us?" and they fight a little, and tyler's like "cause im not a shitty fucking person?" and then at the end, mark's like "everyone thinks you're gay" and tyler literally says "i dont give a shit" and he walks away. and then it goes to josh being gay for tyler and they're practicing together, and tyler raps josh's verse, and then josh is like "wow.. i used to think i was worthless and i wasnt important to anyone, and i was just a footnote in someone's life (i was listening 2 headfirst slide while wriitng this)" and then tyler tells josh that he likes him back and then they just stare into each others eyes and yeah! 
> 
> this was sort of short because it was a filler, and then i just kinda lost inspiration for this chapter and wanted to build some tension between tyler and the team, and just yeah. i hope this chapter was ok. and hey, thank you so much for 500 kudos. when i saw it, i literally almost cried??? im so thankful that you guys continue 2 support this dumb story even though it sucks a lot of the time <333 i would write an essay, but this end note is already super long! 
> 
> ALSO: school and testing ends on wednesday! that means frequent updates! yes! that also means im gonna be a senior in high school! what the fuck!


	18. Chapter 18

Seeing as how their project was due on Friday, everyone had really started buckling down on their assignments. From the second that Patrick ran up the stairs holding the key to the Music Lab, they (meaning Patrick, Pete, Jenna, and Hayley, since Tyler was at home, practicing) had gotten considerable amounts of work done. Like, Patrick and Jenna finally came up with a basic melody for their song, and Jenna had written some lyrics that Pete touched up for her, and Hayley had added some guitar to her song with Pete (this one has a title- it’s called “All I Wanted”, and it’s definitely not about Jenna Black… definitely!). Patrick was on the drums recording stuff for Pete and Hayley, and Pete played the acoustic bass for the Patrick and Jenna’s song, and Hayley wrote down notes on sheet music for Patrick because Patrick had horrible handwriting, and Jenna… well, Jenna ran down to get snacks for everyone when they wanted them.

And Josh Dun had nothing to do with any of it.

“I don’t understand why you’re complaining about being bored, when literally _no one_ asked you to be here!” Patrick snaps at Josh, after Josh declared for the millionth time that he was bored.

“I know… but still” Josh sighs, sinking back further into his seat. It was sort of boring to watch everyone scramble and work on music when he was so obviously wasn’t, but he didn’t want to be home with the knowledge that Tyler was probably out shooting 500 fucking baskets while he was just watching TV. It felt wrong; Tyler didn’t deserve to do all of that after basketball practice, yet he was, and it was so fucked up, and it made Josh so mad that he saw red, yet he couldn’t even do anything about it, and it was just so… unfair. 

“Sorry, I’m just tired” Patrick sighs, and Josh silently retorts “Probably not as tired as _Tyler_ ” in his head. He needed to scream at someone about this, he needed someone to understand how bad Tyler’s situation was, but he couldn’t. Again, this was so unfair. 

“Can we go out for food? Josh looks like he’s going to fling himself out of the window, which okay, _same_ , but Josh can’t die before he gets with Tyler, and…” Pete stops himself suddenly when he realizes Jenna’s still in the room, and he sheepishly looks over to Patrick for help. Patrick’s staring at him, wide-eyed, and Josh does the same. But, surprisingly, Jenna waves him off, and says “It’s fine, everyone with a pair of eyes knows that Josh is into Tyler”

“And you’re okay with that?” Pete asks, to which Jenna nods “Yeah, I don’t mind, why would I mind?”

 _Well_ , Pete thinks, _for starters…_

“I just… I don’t know…” Pete stammers out, and Jenna shrugs before she goes back to eating her pretzels. Hayley narrows her eyes at Pete, and draws a line across her throat before pointing at him. He throws his hands up to surrender, and he mutters under his breath when she turns around “Bi girls are _scary_ ”

* * *

After a couple more “ _I’m gonna stab myself repeatedly in the chest if I don’t get a slice of pizza right now_ ”’s from Pete, everyone decided to call it day. Hayley had loads of homework to do, so she decided to walk with Jenna back home, but because of Pete’s threats of stabbing himself “ _repeatedly in the chest_ ”, the boys went to go get pizza.

“Methinks you should tell us what happened with Tyler while you guys were rehearsing” Pete says, taking a sip of his soda. They’re sitting in a booth, and an entire pie of pizza is in front of them. It would seem like a lot, but Pete’s a determined (teenage) guy, and he’s already halfway through 3 slices.

“Methinks you sound like a fucking idiot when you say ‘methinks’… but okay, holy shit, okay… something _did_ happen” Josh says, because it’s alright if he tells Pete and Patrick about his moment with Tyler, right?

Pete and Patrick glance at each other, before they lean in a little closer to hear what Josh has to say. Josh glances around the pizzeria before he whispers “Tyler said that he _liked_ liked me”

“Tyler said what?” Patrick asks, and Josh repeats it a little louder “Tyler said that he _liked_ liked me! Guys!”

“He said ‘ _liked_ liked’? What the hell? Isn’t that a little…” Patrick tries to find the right words, but Pete finds them “Elementary school?”

“Yes! He even said that! He was like ‘I _like_ like you, elementary school terms and all’ and I literally… okay, fuck, I literally almost grabbed him and kissed him right then and there and-“

“Why didn’t you?” Patrick asks, and Josh scowls “I can’t do that!”

“Why, cause Tyler is a repressed Christian who thinks that what he’s doing is a sin and he needs bad boy atheist Joshie to change his ways?” Pete asks, and Josh kicks him _hard_ under the table “Shut up, it’s not like that”

“Then what is it like?” Pete asks again, and Josh crosses his arms. Sometimes Pete and Patrick can be so _dense_. “I don’t understand you guys, like, at all. First you guys make fun of Tyler for something he can’t help, then you guys pretend like you care about his mental health and whatever, and then you turn around and make fun of him again! And you guys make fun of me for liking him, but then you guys act like total assholes when he likes me?!”

“No one said anything about mental health, first of all…” Pete trails off, and then he sighs. “But I’m sorry. I know it’s not a joke it’s just… I don’t know. First you, now Hayley, what is it with you guys going after super Christian, religious people, people who probably won’t stray away from that ‘God said to hate gay people’ mentality?”

“Jenna’s changing, and-“ “ _Jenna’s changing_? Do you really think that’s going to stay when Hayley eventually tells Jenna that she likes her? Do you really think that Jenna’s going to be okay with it, because she’s changing, and _oh_ , she likes gay people all of a sudden even though she hated us not even 2 weeks ago?”

Patrick interrupts Pete’s rampage to say “Look… we’re just saying… I don’t know. Be careful? If Tyler really said that to you, and if you really believe him, then you should take risks. If you’re too afraid to kiss him, then doesn’t that say something about the way that Tyler’s acting? If he’s acting hesitant, then I don’t think he’s really that into you, you know?”

“It’s not that fucking deep! Maybe I’m just nervous to, I don’t know, kiss him?! Sorry I’m not you guys, who have been dating since fucking forever!” Josh says a little too loud. Pete and Patrick both exchange glances, before they shrink back a little.

“I’m sorry, alright? You know how hard that is for me to say that, and-“ “That’s true, it’s really hard for Patrick to say that he’s sorry” “-And, I’m sorry for blowing things out of proportion… Pete and I are just worried about you. I don’t want you to go into this thinking that Tyler _like_ likes you, and then you guys date a little, and then he starts freaking the fuck out because he’s… I don’t know, being a sinner, and he’s not doing what Jesus wants him to do, and we don’t want you to get hurt”

“You said to take risks- I’m willing to take this risk, okay, I really like Tyler, and you guys don’t understand what he goes through, you guys don’t even know half of… half of the abuse, alright, so just… chill out. Let me do this” Josh says, and Pete sighs once more. He takes a bite out of his 4th slice of pizza, and he changes the subject before Josh can argue with them any further.

And Pete and Patrick probably wouldn’t act like that if they knew the full story, but they don’t know anything about ‘Blurryface’, and they don’t know anything about the 500 baskets; it’s not their fault, and Josh knows that, but _God_ , he wishes that they weren’t so protective and ridiculous all of the time. He wishes Hayley were here, but then he remembers that Hayley’s off with her new friend, and suddenly he feels really lonely.

He has all of this knowledge about Tyler, things that he can’t tell anyone else, and everything just feels so useless. Nothing matters, because Tyler is getting abused by the people who are supposed to love him, and Josh can’t even do a single thing about it. And it just sucks.

* * *

“You know, you still didn’t show me the lyrics to your song!” Hayley whines, on the walk home from the school, and Jenna laughs next to her, brushing her hair out of her eyes “You never asked!”

“Well, in that case, can I please see the lyrics to your song?” Hayley asks sweetly, pausing in the middle of the sidewalk to bat her eyelashes at her. It’s supposed to be in a joking manner, but Jenna’s breath gets caught in her throat momentarily; Hayley is so pretty that it hurts.

Jenna pulls her backpack off of one of her shoulders, and swings it to the front of her chest so that she can unzip it and grab her notebook. It’s pink and there’s a Bible verse on the front, and it’s super cheesey, but Jenna hands it over to Hayley, while she zips up back her bag.

She takes it back to open up to the page, a page with the words ‘The Only Exception’ written in bubbly handwriting. “It’s kind of super lame, but I hope you like it”

“I’ll like it, trust me. If I end up liking the crap that Pete spews, I’ll probably love this” She says, taking back the book. Jenna’s handwriting itself is cute, which almost seems impossible, and it makes her smile. The two of them continue to walk as Hayley reads through the lyrics, but they walk significantly slower. Jenna can practically feel her heart beating through her chest, but she tries to ignore it as she looks over Hayley's shoulder to read what she's reading.

_Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul_

_That love never lasts._

_And we've got to find other ways to make it alone._

_Or keep a straight face._

_And I've always lived like this_

_Keeping a comfortable distance._

_And up until now I have sworn to myself_

_That I'm content with loneliness._

_Because none of it was ever worth the risk._

_Well you are the only exception._

And Hayley’s not even sure if it’s about her, because that’d be really selfish of her to think that, and that’d be totally dumb, and Jenna probably doesn’t even like her back, but Hayley can’t help but feel like it’s about her. Who else could it be about?

“Is this…. like, one of your short stories?” Hayley finally says, and she can’t bring herself to look at Jenna, mostly because her eyes are suddenly stinging with unshed tears. Jenna shakes her head, and she says softly “It’s not”

“So… it’s about you?” She asks, and then Jenna nods. “Um… yes. I mean it’s about someone, but it’s from my point of view. Pete helped me with some of the lyrics, I’m sure he thought I was writing about Tyler, but… it’s not about Tyler”

“Who’s it about?”

It’s really simple, a lot simpler than Jenna thought it was going to be, to say “It’s about you”. It feels like coming home, like she was always meant to say those words to Hayley.

Hayley takes a shaky breath, and she closes the notebook. And she looks back over to Jenna, almost positive that she looks like an idiot, because she’s crying, but really, Jenna just falls a little in love with her.

“Oh” is the only thing that Hayley can say, and she brings a hand up to wipe her tears away. She laughs a little at herself, and she says tearfully “I’m sorry, I’m just really happy right now, I don’t know, I don’t know what to do or say, or-”

And then Hayley’s interrupted by Jenna kissing her.

Hayley closes her eyes, and wraps her arms around Jenna’s neck immediately, kissing back just as softly; she can taste her own tears but that doesn’t even matter in the slightest, because Jenna Black is kissing her, and Hayley’s so _happy_.

And just like that, it’s over. But Hayley’s panting against Jenna’s lips, and Jenna’s smiling so wide that her face hurts.

“Um…” Hayley says, looking up to Jenna before cracking a smile of her own. “That was pretty awesome”

“Yeah, tell me about it” Jenna giggles. Hayley brings a hand up to her mouth, because she can practically still feel Jenna’s lips pressed against her, and she feels warm and fuzzy everywhere, and it’s just generally the best fucking feeling in the world.

“I liked your song… by the way. I think I forgot to mention that” Hayley says, and she hands Jenna’s book back to her, and then she leans up to press a kiss at the side of Jenna’s mouth, just to be daring, just because she _can_.

Hayley walks Jenna the rest of the way home, and they talk about pretty much school the entire time, but then when they reach the gate of Jenna’s house, Jenna glances around, before she kisses Hayley goodnight again. And it feels just as magical and crazy and awesome as it did the first time- Hayley almost skips home, she’s that gleeful. She’s not sure if it’ll last, or what that makes them, but Jenna Black kissed her, and that’s all that really matters.

* * *

So, Tyler finds himself googling “is it bad to be a gay Christian”, mostly because… well, Google exists, and ‘Blurryface’ has been bothering him ever since Tyler confessed his crush to Josh.

It’s actually really informative, and he doesn’t feels so alone in this- people actually go through this, people like him. Not necessarily people who deal with ‘Blurryface’, or his parents, but people who feel like they’d be abandoning their faith if they decided to act on their quote unquote gayness. It makes accepting himself a little easier, which Tyler thought was virtually impossible.

On one hand, he had Josh, and Josh was great (Josh was greater than great), but after doing his own research, for the first time, he felt somewhat good about himself. But on the other hand, he wasn’t thinking about his parents, and his parent’s reactions, the reactions of the people at church (although those rumors were still circulating), or the reactions of his family; that would be another battle for another time.

“ _You’re a fucking heathen_ ” ‘Blurryface’ hisses, and it echoes around in Tyler’s mind as he continues reading through different articles. Truthfully, ‘Blurryface’ has slowly become background noise; it’s easy to ignore him when Tyler’s watching the door to the office, making sure his parents don’t walk in.

But after a while, it’s not his parents who come to check on him- instead, Maddy walks in. She’s got her arms crossed over her chest and she sighs “Are you done? I have to use the computer”

“Yeah, hold on” He exes out the window he was just using so that it’s just the desktop screensaver left. It’s a picture of Tyler and his entire family, and it makes Tyler want to throw the monitor out of the window. Everyone looks so unhappy, even though they’re smiling.

“Thanks” She says, and Tyler grabs a bunch of his textbooks so that he can do some last minute studying up in his room. He opens the door, and he’s about to leave, but then Maddy whisper-shouts his name.

“Um, I have a question…” She says, and Tyler blinks at her, a sign for her to continue. “Well… okay, well, you know how your friends all dye their hair?”

“Jenna?” He asks, and then Maddy shakes her head “No, well yes, but Josh too… and the other girl, that one. The one with the red hair?”

Tyler wouldn’t really call Hayley his friend, but then again, why wouldn’t he? Jenna’s getting pretty close to her, and Hayley’s nice enough to him. Thinking about it, he’s not sure what he would call Pete and Patrick either.

“Well, do you think that I could convince Mom to dye my hair? I mean, I’ve been looking things up, and if you get certain dye, it won’t even ruin your hair! And I really wanna, because it looks really nice on Jenna, and…” She trails off when she catches Tyler’s facial expression, and she looks down “Nevermind”

“I mean… you could probably ask her! I just don’t think she’ll say yes” Tyler says quietly, and then Maddy shuts off the computer “I hate her”

And Tyler’s never really heard Maddy say anything like that before, because Maddy’s… well, Maddy is his little sister, and she’s just really nice to everyone. And yet, she had the courage to say something that not even Tyler could.

“She thinks she knows what’s best for us because she’d old and because she made us. I think that’s dumb. Like, how she makes you do those baskets all the time, and she makes me practice the violin until my fingers practically bleed? That’s so messed up” She continues, and Tyler nods slowly.

“They blackmail us with religion! Who does that!?” She pushes past Tyler in the midst of her rant, and she runs up to her room and she slams the door shut. Tyler’s mom, unaware of the conversation that Tyler and Maddy had, yells “Don’t slam the doors!” from somewhere in the house.

And he had never really seen it like that, like his parents blackmailing him with religion, but… it makes sense, doesn’t it? They always talk about how they have to do things, because God would want them to, and God says this, and God says that… but where in the Bible does God say Tyler has to do 500 baskets or he shouldn’t get dinner? And maybe Josh was right, when they were talking on Saturday night- maybe his parents shouldn’t treat him the way that they do, maybe the fact that they brought him into the world isn’t enough to justify not feeding him dinner if he doesn’t complete a whole 500 baskets.

Tyler follows Maddy’s lead, and he hops into bed without brushing his teeth or taking off the sweaty basketball shorts and tee-shirt he was wearing; it’s just a lot to think about and process. Because if he’s getting abused, if that’s really what’s happening, then shouldn’t he tell someone? But those are his parents, and he can’t just do that to his own parents, because who would take care of his siblings then? Millions of questions run around his mind, and ‘Blurryface’ is right there with them, repeating the same “You’re going to hell” rhetoric that Tyler’s so used to. But Tyler falls asleep shortly after he runs through Josh’s verse; it’s kind of crazy how much Josh helps him, even if he’s not there with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all my friends r heathens take it slow?
> 
> i was trying to update for josh's bday but that obviously didnt work. either way- HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY, JOSH SUN(SHINE)! you're the light of my life... and i love you :') 
> 
> anyways i chose "the only exception" as jenna and patrick's song because i can't write lyrics (or write in general) for my life, and i love the brand new eyes album more than i love living, and it's just a really nice song that reminds me of jenna and hayley so.... yeah... also how does one write a kiss??????????????????? dont ask uma thats for sure!
> 
> also sorry this chapter was really short :/


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to be safe- 'blurryface' uses some homophobic and ableist slurs in the dream part (the italicized)
> 
> also- i dont necessarily like zack joseph..., at all. but for the sake of the story, he's a good guy!

_He can’t breathe. There’s this pressure on his throat, and ‘Blurryface’ is on top of him, straddling his hips, and he’s pressing down on Tyler’s throat, and he can't breathe. Tyler thrashes around, and he tries to push ‘Blurryface’ off of him, but ‘Blurryface’ only pushes down harder, until Tyler’s choking out the words “Help” and “Please”. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that this is a dream, but he can’t even register that, because he’s going to die if 'Blurryface' doesn't let up._

_“You’re fucking delusional” ‘Blurryface’ hisses, close to Tyler’s ear. His grip on Tyler’s throat loosens just a little, and Tyler sucks in a loud breath, like a gasp. But ‘Blurry’’s hand on his neck never wavers. It’s there, solid and grounding, as if to tell Tyler that ‘no, you must obey me’, a little counter from Tyler's lyric._

_Josh isn’t here right now, ready on cue with the perfect words to say - it’s just him and ‘Blurryface’, and he can hear the air conditioner blaring behind the ringing in his ears, and he can see the bright red in ‘Blurry’’s eyes, but besides that, the only thing he can really feel is the frantic beat of his heart._

_“You don’t know what’s real, and what’s not real. Maybe I’m not just a figment of your imagination, maybe I’m the real you, you fucking psychopath” ‘Blurryface’ hisses, and then he pushes back on Tyler’s throat just for the hell of it. Tyler tries to reach up to stop him, but his hands can’t move, almost like they're tied down by something invisible. He can’t move at all._

_“Maybe Josh isn’t real, maybe you made him up, just like you made me up” ‘Blurryface’ taunts. “Maybe you made the entire thing up in your sick, faggot head of yours.”_

_And Tyler shakes his head frantically, panting and choking out “No, you’re wrong, you’re wrong”, his voice breaking on the syllables. ‘Blurryface’ grins wildly at him, his white, sharp teeth almost blinding Tyler in the otherwise pitch black room._

_“Maybe I’m wrong” He admits, and then he moves in closer to Tyler. “So maybe Josh is real… maybe… but who’s going to save you when he gets tired of you? Who’s going to save you when he decides he’s done dealing with a fucking sicko like you? Who’s going to save you when he decides you’re not worth the time, because you aren’t. Who’s going to save you when Josh realizes that he can be with someone better, someone who isn't a done deal? Who’s going to save you from yourself when Josh finally realizes that he doesn’t want to do it all the time?”_

_‘Blurryface’ goes back to pressing down on Tyler’s throat, hard, and he screams in Tyler’s face, and his voice static and downright bone chilling “Who’s going to save you because you’re too much of a coward to do it yourself?!”_

_Tyler’s vision becomes blurry, and ‘Blurryface’ screams again “Are you going to fight back or are you going to just take it?!” and fuck, doesn’t ‘Blurryface’ know that Tyler is trying? Tyler pulls at the imaginary restraints, but nothing budges, and then suddenly-_

“Tyler?! Tyler!” The scene suddenly changes, and Tyler jolts up in his bed, hands clutching at his neck. He gasps for air, and his eyes dart from left to right, looking for ‘Blurryface’. But instead, Zack is next to him, one hand on his shoulder. He looks absolutely horrified, and he shakes Tyler’s shoulder a little “Tyler, are you okay?”

Is Tyler okay? Tyler can’t even think.

“Fuck, fuck, sorry, I…” Tyler trails off, his hands still feeling around his neck. His hands come up clean when he looks down, and he’s almost surprised that they’re not covered in blood from ‘Blurryface’’s own hands. He's surprised that there's no rope that restrained his breathing, it was just his imagination.

“You were choking and thrashing around, I didn’t know if I should have gotten Mom, but I tried to wake y-you up, but you wouldn’t wake up, and… what happened?” He asks, but it sounds out scared yet sincere. He doesn’t seem like Tyler’s idiot 14 year old brother, he seems like he really cares. But Tyler shakes his head, still trying to catch his breath.

“It was just a nightmare, I’m okay” He says, and Zack doesn’t look convinced. His eyebrows pull together, and he shakes his head. “No, Tyler, I thought you were, like, going to die!”

“It was dumb, okay? Just go back to bed, I’ll be fine” Tyler looks over to their alarm clock, and it reads _4:21 AM_ , which is, y’know, great. And Zack still doesn’t look like he believes Tyler, but he walks back over to his own bed. He looks over to his older brother, and he says “And you’re sure you’re okay?”

“Positive. Goodnight” Tyler says, before he gives Zack a less than assuring smile, despite the fact that his heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest. Zack says goodnight back, and then Tyler flips over onto his side, and stares at his wall. He almost reaches over his phone, because he knows that Josh always texts into his groupchat ‘Happy 4:20’, and he knows that Josh would be up, because that’s who Josh is, Josh texts everyone in the morning to see if any of them are awake and need to talk, and Tyler needs to talk, and scream about this, but then he remembers what ‘Blurryface’ said.

He can’t rely on Josh to save him. He can’t ask Josh for help every time ‘Blurryface’ resurfaces, and he can’t keep bothering Josh with his problems. He has to… to learn how to not be a coward, and do things for himself, because that’s what ‘Blurryface’ said, and well, didn’t ‘Blurryface’ have a point? If he couldn’t do this, if he couldn’t stop being such a baby about everything, everyone would get tired of him, and everyone would want to leave him.

He doesn’t end up sleeping for the rest of the night- he’d watch the sunrise, but he’s too afraid to even turn around, afraid that ‘Blurryface’ would be there, his hands outstretched and coming for his neck, so he stares at the wall until his parents yell at him to get out of bed.

* * *

It’s the little things that Josh notices- the way that Tyler keeps looking over his shoulder, the way he sounds a lot less confident in what he’s singing, almost like he’s shrinking back from it, the way that his eyes are a little bloodshot, but the thing that Josh notices the most is the fucking rubber band.

Tyler’s entire wrist is red, like Tyler’s been snapping it all day. It makes Josh angry, but it also makes him mostly sad. If there’s one thing Josh hates more than seeing his friends suffer, it’s… well, nothing. He really hates seeing his friends suffer, but even more so because it’s Tyler, and it’s different, because he likes Tyler, and Tyler likes him back, and he’s not sure what’s happening, because Tyler won’t look at him in the eyes, and he won’t talk to him unless he’s telling Josh what to do.

“Hey Ty, are you okay?” Josh asks, just coming right out and saying it. Tyler looks at him, from his spot at the computer, and he says dismissively, practiced “Yeah, just a little tired”

Josh steps away from the drum kit, and he walks over to Tyler, and he notices how Tyler almost shrugs away, curling in on himself. It’s so… weird, Josh doesn’t know what to do or what to think. What could have happened? Why doesn’t Tyler trust him? Why won’t Tyler talk to him?

“Are you sure?” Josh asks, and he sits down to next to Tyler. Before Tyler can pull his wrist away, Josh tugs on his arm, and he looks down. It’s not like Pete, it’s really not like Pete, because Josh has very vivid memories of doing this with Pete back when he barely even knew Pete, but it’s almost worst. It’s like, with Pete, he knew what to expect. He knew why Pete was cutting, he knew what it was going to look like, but there’s nothing to look at with Tyler. His wrist was blank, save for the pink skin underneath the rubber band, but Josh knew that something was very wrong.

“Yes, I’m sure” Tyler hisses, pulling back on his hand. “Can we just finish this, we’re almost done, and-“

“Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?! I know something’s wrong, and you’re not telling me, and I want to help you, and-“ Josh stumbles over his words, but apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because Tyler suddenly jumps back.

“I don’t need your help!” He yells, and he grabs his binders “I can help myself, just leave me alone, I said nothing was wrong!”

“I know that you’re lying, Tyler! Just tell me what’s wrong, we’ll talk it out, or something, whatever you want to do, just let me help you” Josh’s eyes are wide, because he doesn’t know why this is all happening, how Tyler could tell Josh that he liked him, and then the next day, he could turn around and yell at him and tell him that he didn’t need his help, when Josh knew otherwise.

“I’m your friend, I want to help you, I hate seeing you upset, and-“ Josh babbles, but Tyler cuts him off “I don’t want any of your help, I know what the fuck I’m doing”, and then he storms out of the Music Lab, just like that.

And Josh would run after him, and he really wants to, because he’s not sure where Tyler is going, or what he’s going to do, but he doesn’t move. He just sighs, and buries his head in his hands, because he’s not sure what just happened, but he knows that Tyler doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.

Tyler, on the other hand, walks straight over to the cafeteria. His hands shake unbelievably hard, even as he snaps his wrists in an effort to get rid of ‘Blurryface’, but it doesn’t necessarily work anymore. All of his methods of getting rid of him seem to be fool-proof. 

“ _I told you he wouldn’t come running after you_ ” ‘Blurryface’ says, matter-of-factly. And well, that’s just icing on the really shitty cake.

* * *

“You’re awfully quiet” Hayley says to Josh, with a slight frown on her face. Pete and Patrick pause mid-conversation to glance over to Josh, and Patrick says “Oh yeah, what’s up Josh”

And Josh loves Pete and Patrick. He loves them a lot. But he’s positive that if he even mentions his little fight with Tyler (Argument? Fight? He’s not even sure what to call what happened between them), then they’ll just use that to say that Tyler’s sticking to his ‘God-loving’ ways, and Josh isn’t in the mood to hear that right now. Like, _at all._

They’re walking home from school- Jenna would be with them, but she had to stay back to do some extra cheerleading practice for the game on Saturday.  And Josh is tired, and hungry, and he just wants to curl up in his bed and listen to some angry music, and maybe cry a little bit, so he just gives everyone Tyler’s excuse. “I’m just tired, I guess”

“Everyone’s tired” Pete says, but he says it conversationally. “Why are we all tired? We should sue the government for making us go to Satan school, and making us tired all the time…. I should write a petition” He says, and Patrick hums “I’ll be the first one to sign it. Fuck, I can barely feel my body, why do teachers always make everything due at the same time? First we have the SATs, then we have this project due, and then we have all of those other tests, and just _ughhhh._ ”

“Mmm, that noise was hot, do it again!” Pete says, tugging on Patrick’s shirt sleeve excitedly, and Patrick rolls his eyes, shushing him. Josh can’t be bothered to even humor the two of them, so he continues to kick pebbles as they continue to walk. Thankfully, Hayley notices because she’s not love-blind like Pete and Patrick, so she wraps an arm around Josh’s side, and she leans her head against his body a little, a small, comforting move.

“Hey, do you wanna talk about it when _Mom and Dad_ leave?” She whispers, talking about Pete and Patrick, and Josh nods numbly; Hayley’s sort of the best person on Earth… and Pete and Patrick are definitely their parent friends… and Patrick’s definitely the Mom in that relationship.

It doesn’t take long for Pete and Patrick to leave, hand-in-hand, and soon enough, it’s just Hayley and Josh walking. Hayley looks up to Josh and says “So, do you wanna tell me what happened?”

And then Josh nods. sighing as he says “It has to do with Tyler… I think he’s mad at me”

“I can ask Jenna, if you want, maybe she'll know" Hayley says, before smiling a little to herself. _Jenna_. She hasn’t told anyone about the two of them yet, mostly because things are mostly the same, except for the fact that Jenna sent a blue heart to her when they texted goodnight, and besides the whole _Jenna kissed her_ thing. She's not sure if Jenna wants people knowing anyways, which doesn't necessarily bother Hayley. Hayley pretty much told her sisters, which was good enough.

“I think he’s shutting everyone out, Jenna included. I don’t know… he said that he was going to handle his problems himself, but I know Tyler, I know that… it doesn’t work that way. I know something happened, but he’s just not telling me”

Josh is sort of hesitant to tell Hayley about ‘Blurryface’- Josh isn’t even sure if it’s about ‘Blurryface’ or not, but that would make sense, wouldn’t it? Josh knows the influence that ‘Blurryface’ has on him.

“Well, how do you know that something happened, maybe he's just in a bad mood?” Hayley asks, and Josh says a little loudly, bringing his hands up to tug on his hair “Because I just do!”

But Hayley doesn’t get mad, she just sighs like she doesn’t know what to say next.

“Alright, then, let’s just say that you know that something happened- maybe that something has to do with the fact that Tyler doesn’t want to talk to you, or tell you what’s wrong. Maybe he feels like he’s burdening you with his problems, maybe he feels like he’s dumping all of his problems on you”

“But he’s not! I care about him a lot, and I just don’t know how I can get him to believe that, you know? How do I tell him that I don’t care if Tyler stays up all night talking to me about his problems, because I would rather him to do that than to kill himself” He says, plain and simple, but Hayley’s eyes widen “Huh? Kill himself, why would he do that? The gay thing?”

“There’s a lot more shit going on than just the gay thing. Trust me” Josh says, and Hayley gulps a little. Why would Tyler want to do that? What could be going on in his life for Josh to say that like it’s a likely possibility?

“Like what?” Hayley asks, curious, but Josh shakes his head “I don’t wanna say, but it’s a lot. Like… Pete level”

“Pete level? Fuck, are you serious?”

It’s sort of messed up that Josh is so blatantly comparing Pete’s problems to Tyler’s, but it’s the only way that Hayley could even begin to understand what was going on in Tyler’s life. Josh thinks back to everything that Tyler told him about, from the 500 baskets, to ‘Blurryface’, to having to be the perfect brother and son, to the gay thing, to the religious thing, and he feels a little sick.

“Yeah. And I just want to be there for him, you know? I don’t want him to go through it alone, but he just pushed me away, like what I’ve been trying to tell him for days hasn’t had any impact on him at all” He says miserably, and Hayley frowns a little.

“Days? Josh, it’ll take more than days… Even Pete still doubts that Patrick loves him, and he still hides things from us because he thinks that we don’t care. I don’t doubt that Tyler trusts you, but I think that it’s just going to be hard, if Tyler’s really on, er _, Pete level_ , for him to really instill that trust, and want to tell you everything, and that’s not his fault”

Hayley is a wise bisexual woman that Josh cherishes more than life. And what she said makes sense- maybe it’s not that Tyler really hates him, maybe it’s not that Josh’s words have no impact on him, but maybe they just need more time. It still doesn’t change the fact that something is wrong, but maybe if Josh gives Tyler a little space, Tyler will tell him what’s really happening.

“Yeah… you have a point. Sorry, I’m just really crazy about him, and knowing that Tyler goes through so much shit is so fucking upsetting… but I mean, maybe I’m acting like Pete and Patrick, maybe I’m just smothering him a little?” Josh asks, and Hayley nods “Yeah… I mean, be there for him, don’t ignore him, but maybe lay off a little? I don’t know, man. If Tyler really thinks that he can handle his own problems, then you should let him try, but be there for him if he falls, basically”

“But what if his problems are too big?” “Just let him try, Josh. Let him know that you’re always there for him, but don’t make it your job to constantly check up on him, you know?”

And Josh understands it the best that he can, even though part of him doesn’t really think that that can apply to Tyler’s situation. Still, if Tyler doesn’t tell him what happened, then Josh can’t really help him. He just has to wait… and Josh is super impatient, but he’ll try. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had this nightmare a couple nights ago and it was that everyone hated this story, and people were trashing it on tumblr and some people even came for my author's notes and were like "all uma does is bitch about her writing, like shut up no one cares!" and i woke up and i was like "?!!?!?" and yeah that wasnt fun BUT THEN but then this story got 600+ kudos and listen, like i don't think i can ever stop saying this, but thank you so much for always commenting and bookmarking and leaving kudos on this story. i dont think that i can put it into words (mostly because,,.,.,im not good at writing) how much it means to me that you guys continue to support this dumb little story, that you guys actually like it despite the fact that i never notice typos, or the fact that i always forgot to add periods at the end of my sentences (? why do i do that) and just yeah! so THANK YOU <3 i promise, things will look up for josh and tyler, it just might take some time. 
> 
> also- there's a lot of miscommunication happening in this chapter, so dont worry, things will change


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 4th! lets celebrate the birth of america w some angst!

“-and then she pushed me into the lockers, and she was like ‘Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there,’ like… that doesn’t make any sense, I was standing right in front of her, she’s not slick if that’s what she’s going for, like, okay, I know my one strip of blue is _super_ scandalous, and I might have thrown _some_ soda in Shane’s face, but does that really…Tyler, are you even listening to me?”

He wasn’t; he was deep in thought. After a long day at practice, it was nearing eight when the basketball and cheer team were finally released, which didn’t leave Tyler much time to do anything when he got home. Maybe his parents would cut him some slack, but it was days before the biggest game of Tyler’s life, they would probably want him to do more baskets… but then after he finished that, then he would have to eat before he even thought about tackling any of his homework, but then again, he got no sleep, so maybe he should just try to sleep after dinner and make up for the studying during his free periods, but then Josh-

“Tyler!” Jenna’s voice cuts straight through his thoughts, and Tyler blinks a couple of times before looking over at his best friend. “Oh… sorry, I’m a little, er, tired,”

Jenna opens her mouth to complain, mostly because it’s one thing for her cheer team to ignore her, but it’s a whole other thing for Tyler to ignore her, but Tyler looks absolutely exhausted, so she just nods at him a little. “It’s fine, I’m just a little mad, but I’ll rant to Hayley, or something. How was your day?”

“Tiring…” Tyler replies, and Jenna blinks at him before she says slowly “Um… well, what else?”

“…I kinda yelled at Josh earlier, but-“ “Huh?! What happened?”

Tyler winces a little; it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, friends argue sometimes. Although somewhere in the back of his head, he thinks that friends don’t argue because someone in his head told him that he should stop being so reliant on Josh.

“Nothing big! I, just, I can work out my own issues on my _own_ , I don’t need Josh’s help every step of the way, you know? I don’t need Josh to baby me, I don’t need to rely on Josh to save me every time I… yeah…” Tyler trails off, and Jenna raises her perfect eyebrows and says “Save you? Your own issues?”

“Yeah. It’s, er, a guy thing.” Tyler says, making up a flimsy excuse. Thankfully, Jenna’s been talking to Hayley enough to know that quote unquote gender is just a social construct, or something along the lines of that, Jenna’s still learning, and she knows that she can still listen to Tyler’s ‘things’ and still support him even if she can’t understand.

“Well, you can still tell me! I’m your best friend, Ty, I'll always be there for you,” She pauses for a second before she says in a softer voice “Is it about God? Because I’ve been trying to keep an open mind, and I’m willing to help you if by any chance you’re, like, questioning your faith due to the gay thing, and,”

“The gay thing? No, it’s not about the gay thing.” Tyler’s face flushes a shade of pink- it’s different talking about sexuality with Josh than Jenna, considering the fact that Jenna’s uber religious and straight.

Right…

“No, listen, I have something to tell you. Regarding the gay thing.” Jenna says slowly, and then she takes a deep breath in and out and says, almost like ripping a bandage off, “I kissed Hayley the other day, and-“

“You did what?!?” Tyler practically jumps back and his eyes widen to the millionth degree- Jenna just gives him a sheepish look through her bangs.

He tries to work it out in his head, Jenna and Hayley, but all that comes up in his head is something similar to ‘No Calculation’; Jenna being not straight is probably the biggest plot twist in Tyler’s whole fucking life, and he stares at her, in shock, until she says “Calm down, it’s… it’s not that big of a deal. I’m working out sexuality, but I don’t think I’m straight, and I know that you don’t think that you are either, and I’m more than willing to help you out and, like, give you advice if you think that God will abandon you, because He won’t, not if you have faith, and…”

“Jenna, it’s not that! But I’m just a little, er…” Tyler tries to find the right words, and Jenna smiles at him a little “Confused?”

“Yeah, that. I’m just a little confused.” Tyler confesses, and Jenna shrugs a little, pushing her hair out of her eyes. “Well, Hayley didn’t convert me to lesbianism, if that’s what you’re thinking, but I think that she really opened my eyes, you know? She’s so supportive, and understanding, and I realized that my entire fucking life was full of repressed gay feelings! Tyler, when I was 8 and wanted to kiss Rosalina from the Naked Brother’s Band- that wasn’t straight behavior!”

She waits a moment, before adding “And on a serious note, I think a lot of my homophobia was due to a lot what the people in Church had to say, instead of what I believed. Like, yes, Hayley educates me, but I try to do my own research so that I’m not just reciting what everyone else is saying. When we grew up with that kind of negativity, and everyone called gay people the scum of the Earth, I just… went with it, and I figured that they knew best.

“But once I started thinking about it for myself, and I looked up things, by the way have you checked out Gay Christian dot net, it’s great, and okay, like, I realized for myself that God still loves me even though I feel a certain way, because I still pray, and I still believe, and I still go to church, even if I disagree with them on some issues, and… I still have faith, and that’s the most important thing!”

Jenna takes a deep breath when she finishes her rant, and she smiles at Tyler “Did that help?”

It certainly helps that his best friend was going through something so similar that Tyler was, but it also sucked that it was so… easy for Jenna. Jenna, who was a lot more religious than him, had the courage to kiss the person that she liked, yet Tyler was still somewhat struggling with who he was. Not even 24 hours ago he thought he had himself all figured out for himself, but now that he was talking to Jenna, he felt like he hadn’t even made any progress. Almost like he had climbed a couple of flights of stairs, and Jenna had climbed Mount Everest.

And the best part was that Tyler wasn’t even worrying about the “gay thing”- now, he could add that to the other billion things running around in his mind.

“Tyler… did that help? Oh God, I fucked up, didn’t I?” Jenna asks, since Tyler didn’t reply, and she brings her hands up to her face and says, muffled “Ugh!”

“No, sorry, sorry, yeah that helped, I’m just tired,” Tyler goes in for the classic excuse, praying that they reach his house soon. But he looks up at the street signs, and they still have a good 15 minutes left to go. He knows that Jenna means well, just like Josh, but he wishes everything could just shut off.

“Well... how long did you sleep?” Jenna asks, and Tyler says with a bitter laugh in his voice “Like, two hours."

Right on cue, Jenna says “What do you mean by two hours? You didn’t sleep, like, barely at all? But… why?”

And Tyler likes to think that he isn’t dramatic, but between the sleep deprivation and just everything else, he says “Jenna, do you hate yourself?”

Jenna frowns and she stops in the middle of walking to tug on Tyler’s arm so that they’re facing each other, and she says firmly “No, I don’t. Do you?”

“Yeah.” Tyler says, staring deep into Jenna’s eyes- they remind him of his mother’s eyes, before she was mean and cruel to him, and they’re so comforting and they remind him of home, back when his house was a source of comfort, and he says, because of that, bitterly “I’m tired because everything that I hate about myself haunts me and keeps me up at night and tells me that I should kill myself and just end it all because no one would care anyways. It’s a little voice, always, in my head, just nagging me and telling me that I’m worthless, and that no one cares about me, especially not my parents, and telling me all of these fucked up things, and so _yeah_ , I’m tired.”

He tries to say something else something to add to the fire, but he’s distracted by the tears building in Jenna’s eyes “Tyler…” she says softly, and Tyler tries to look away, mostly because he can’t deal with Jenna crying over him, but Jenna tugs on his arm again “No, fuck, I want to help you, I didn’t know that you felt that way, and-“

“You can’t, I have to do it myself, I have to… to learn how to get rid of it myself” Tyler dismisses that idea quickly, and Jenna shakes her head “Are you crazy?! You can’t do that yourself!”

“I don’t need your help, Jenna! I don’t need your help, or Josh’s help, or anyone’s help because I’ll figure it out myself.” He says, pulling his arm away from Jenna. They stare at each other for a long moment, and Jenna says before Tyler can add anything else, “That’s where you’re wrong. Having support makes everything a lot easier to deal with, even if you wanted to ‘figure it out yourself’, you can’t just shut everyone out. What, is that why you yelled at Josh, because he tried to be a good friend? He just wants to help, I just want to help, we want to… to provide moral support.”

Tyler crosses his arms, for lack of knowing what to do with himself, and Jenna wipes away a stray tear before sniffling “God, Tyler, I don’t want to see you fucking dead because you wanted to be stubborn.”

“I’m not being stubborn!” Tyler says, and then he starts walking again. Jenna lets out a noise of frustration and stalks after him “You’re not being stubborn?! You’re most definitely being stubborn!”

Tyler doesn’t say anything else, so Jenna cries “I don’t know what or who convinced you that you can take on… take on depression, or whatever it is that you have, we can figure it out, but you can’t do it alone! That’s when things go wrong! If you won’t turn to God, then you can still talk to me, I don’t care, I’m dating an _atheist_ , Tyler, come on!”

And Tyler feels like shit, because now he has Jenna crying, and ‘Blurryface’ is bound to make some grand appearance any second now, so he says as nicely as softly as he can “Jenna, look, I’m sorry, okay? It’s a lot more, er, confusing than that, and I didn’t mean to be such an asshole, can we just go home now?”

“So tell me! Just… just tell me what’s going on, you can’t just say that it’s confusing and expect me to settle for just that.” Jenna says, and technically ( _technically_ ) ‘Blurryface’ never said anything about telling Jenna about his problems, and knowing Jenna, she was bound to bother Tyler until he fessed up.

So, he takes a deep breath and says “Alright. So… so, it’s gonna sound a little crazy, but…”

* * *

After Jenna dropped Tyler off at her house, she immediately pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Hayley. Not only because Jenna’s deathly afraid of walking home in the dark… but because she needed to talk to someone about everything she had just heard. Jenna doesn’t necessarily have a knack for keeping secrets, and besides, she was practically shaking with fear. Because she knew that Tyler was having issues with the fact that he was gay, that she knew, but everything else? ‘Blurryface’? His frequent thoughts of tearing his skin open and slicing his neck? Everything sort of shook her to her core.

“Hello?” Hayley says, from the other side of the line, and Jenna replies, quickly, “Hayley, I have to tell you something but you have to promise you’re not gonna tell!”

There’s a pause on the other side, and Jenna can faintly hear the sounds of Hayley shuffling up a flight of stairs and shushing her little sisters. “Er… did you kill someone?”

“No, I didn’t kill anyone!” She says, before she takes a deep breath “Sorry, sorry, I’m a little shaken up.”

“What happened?” Hayley asks, her voice soothing and calming, the complete opposite of everything Jenna was feeling.

“How do I explain this,” Jenna says softly, mostly to herself, before she says in a clearer voice “Hayley, do you hate yourself?”

Hayley coughs a little uncomfortably, and she says hesitantly “Well, I mean, sometimes, I dunno. I hate some aspects of myself, but, uh, what does that have to do with it?”

“You have to promise not to tell anyone, not even… well, actually Josh knows, but you can’t tell Pete and Patrick.” Jenna says, and then she looks around her surroundings instinctively, almost like she was positive she was going to run into Pete and Patrick right then and there. Or maybe even Shane and Mark.

“I promise, I promise! What happened?”

“Tyler told me some stuff, Hayley. Like scary stuff. Like scary mental health things. I’m not knocking Tyler for this, _I’m not_ ,  I’m just… Tyler said that he had a voice in his head, like… like a crazy demonic voice that told him all of these horrible things, and he said that he thought about killing himself, like, multiple fucking times, and Hayley, I’m such a bad friend, how did I not know? How did I, his fucking best friend, not know a single thing! How, how could I just not notice anything! He said that he would get these nightmares of that voice, but like… but, like, him personified, killing him, like… he named it ‘Blurryface’, his voice thingy, and-“

“Woah, Jenna, slow down a little-“ “-He said that ‘Blurryface’ was always in his head, always, and Hayley, what the fuck! I’m so fucking naïve, and-“

“Jenna, hold on, okay?” Hayley says on the other side, and Jenna pauses, her chest heaving. She swears she can hear her voice echo around in the trees, she pauses in the middle of walking to catch her breath.

“Take a couple of breaths, okay? Do you want me to meet you anywhere?” Hayley asks, and Jenna shakes her head, before she remembers that Hayley can’t see it through the phone.

“No, I can walk, I’m only… only 3 minutes away from home.” Jenna says, and she hears Hayley hum. “Alright… okay, so, first things first- you’re not to blame for not noticing anything.”

“But-“ “No, wait, listen. Some people can hide things very well. Like, you know Pete, right? Pete’s super goofy and funny, but Pete’s a master at hiding his emotions. It’s like… hey, you know that Florence + The Machine song, ‘ _Hiding’_ ” Hayley asks, mostly because she can speak through song a lot better than she can anyway else. Jenna hums a ‘yes’, because she loves that song.

“So, you know that lyric, where’s like ‘ _I know that you're hiding, I know there's a part of you that I just can’t reach, you don't have to let me in, just know that I'm still here’_ yeah, okay, so maybe Tyler just didn’t tell you because it’s too hard for him to come to terms that it’s actually happening to him. No one deserves to go through something that shitty, not Pete, not Tyler, not anybody. So anyways, I think that, like, you just have to be there for Tyler. It’s not about Tyler telling you anything, but he knows that you’ll always be there for him. Maybe he didn’t want to worry you by telling you, you know? Maybe he knew that you’d always be there for him, so he didn’t want to bother you with the details.” Hayley says, and Jenna sighs.

“Hayley, he’s my best friend! He told Josh about this ‘Blurry’ thing before he told me, it’s just proof I’m a shitty friend!”

“…well, no, you’re not a shitty friend. And maybe he just felt more comfortable telling Josh… like maybe he thought that this ‘Blurry’ creature was something that… like, God sent to him, to punish-“ “No.”

“Jenna, you don’t know what Tyler thinks, maybe he just thought that you would try to preach to him, not that that’s a bad thing, but maybe that’s not what he needed.”

“But Tyler is religious, Hayley, don’t you think that… that my quote unquote preaching would help?”

“Again, it’s all about timing. But I don’t think that Tyler not telling you any sooner, or you not noticing makes you a shitty friend. I thought that Tyler’s life was perfect too, you’re not alone in that. Pete and Patrick go on about how nice it must be to be Tyler; he’s good at hiding things, and it’s not your fault that you didn’t notice sooner, okay?”

Jenna reaches her house by the time that Hayley finishes her rant, so she says “Hold on, I’m home now. I’ll text you when I get to my room… but I guess I understand what you’re saying.”

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Um… bye.” Hayley says, before laughing awkwardly. Jenna smiles a little at it, and she says “I’ll talk to you later, too. Are we gonna do the ‘you hang up first’ thing?”

“Oh, God, no. Why, do you wanna?” Hayley asks, and then she laughs again when Jenna says “Nah, it’s okay. I’ll text you in, like, 5 minutes, okay? Can I send you a verbal heart emoji?”

* * *

Tyler’s not sure if the fact that his parents let him off with only 200 baskets was supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, it was nice of them to make it only 200, but on the other… it was still an amount of baskets that Tyler had to make before he ate. After a huge practice. Adding almost no sleep and the lack of energy he had after he spilled his guts to Jenna to that only made it worse. But he did it, and he ate, and now he was ready to sleep.

Until he walked into his room after taking a shower to find Maddy and Zack waiting for him.

“Um… I need to get some underwear….” Tyler says, awkwardly clinging onto his towel. Maddy and Zack just glance at each other before rolling their eyes simultaneously.

“We need to talk.” Maddy says, and Tyler almost throws his hands up in the air in frustration before he remembers the whole towel situation. “Can I put on some clothes first?”

“Fine, just hurry up!”

So, a couple of minutes later, Tyler returns back to the room wearing some pajamas. He ignores Maddy and Zack’s gaze on him, and he crawls under the covers into bed. The feeling of his pillow under his head feels so good that he almost falls asleep instantly, but then Maddy and Zack jump into Tyler’s bed right alongside him.

“We need to talk about Mom and Dad” Zack says, and Maddy nods “And how… how unfair they are!”

This, however, sparks an interest in Tyler. It’s one thing for Maddy to say some things in the heat of the moment, but it’s another for both Zack and Maddy to confront Tyler about it. Because Tyler knows that his parents don’t exactly treat him right, and he knows that Maddy noticed it, but now Zack too?

“You noticed it too?” Tyler asks Zack, and Zack nods “Well, I know that making you do baskets after you came back from a long practice isn’t okay. And Mom makes Maddy practice her violin way too often, even when it sounds perfect, and I know that she screams at me if I get even an A-minus and… and yeah!”

“Way too often? My fingers bleed, guys! _Bleed_!” Maddy argues, but Zack waves her off. “I don’t think it’s, like, abuse, but it’s fucked!”

“I think it’s abuse.” Tyler says quietly, and both Maddy and Zack glance at each other before they look at Tyler with wide eyes. “No, they’re just really strict.”

“No, I don’t think that they’re just strict. I think that it’s abuse.” Tyler says, and he hears Maddy whimper a little “Tyler, stop, it can’t be abuse. They don’t hit us.”

“Abuse is a big word, Ty,” Zack begins to say, but Tyler shakes his head and says sleepily “No… no, I mean yes, it’s a big word, but that’s what it is. Josh was… was telling me something about it, I think it’s abuse.”

“Tyler, wake up! It can’t be abuse, because if it’s abuse, then we have to do something.” Maddy says, but Tyler’s already half asleep as he says “Can we talk about… about it tomorrow? Starving your kid because they didn’t make 500 baskets after a long day at school is abuse. And making you practice until your fingers bleed is abuse, and convince… convincing your kids that you’re doing it in the name of God, and not to question them because of religion is abuse, probably, so…”

“If it’s abuse, then what are we gonna do? Don’t we have to tell someone? What about Jay, what are we gonna do with Jay?” Maddy asks, before she looks back over to Tyler “Tyler? Are you _asleep_?!”

Tyler was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! im super sorry this took forever to update, i had writers block and i honestly had no clue what to do with this. sorry if it was a little boring, it's just a little filler chapter to kinda. set the new tone. i guess. idk. 
> 
> ALSO i stole the line about rosalina from the naked brothers band from my bff lili smallghostkid, who also wanted to kiss rosalina from the naked brothers band. @lilly "if thats not love" is a huge fuckin bop and im listening to it literally right now. if thats not love... then what is?
> 
> and HEY!! thanks so much for 700 kudos and 100 bookmarks?!??! even though i kinda worked myself into a frenzy of "oh my god im gonna let 700 people down when they realize i cant write for shit and they're gonna hate me why did i even post this" I AM SOOO THANKFUL?!?!?!? wow. im not sure what i can say that i havent already, but thank you so much :')


	21. Chapter 21

Even though having to walk to school every morning is annoying, Josh doesn’t really mind it. Whether it’s because he gets to listen to new bands on his way to Hayley’s house, or because he just likes spending time with his best friends, walking to school on most mornings isn’t as bad as it sounds.

But today, Josh mostly just wants to bury himself in his bed and stay there for the rest of his life.

Because Tyler probably hates him, and Josh doesn’t know why. And Hayley said that he was going to have to be patient and wait for Tyler to tell him why, but Josh doesn’t want to wait, he wants to know why, so that he can _fix_ things. And it’s even worse because they still have to finish their project, so now they’re going to have to work together in silence, probably, and Josh just mostly wants to walk into traffic, or something.

He was already late to Hayley’s house, because he tried to convince his mother that he was sick. Unfortunately, that trick from the Lizzie McGuire movie with the blow-dryer didn’t work with the thermometer, so he was stuck walking. And he forgot his headphones in his room _because_ he was too busy trying to find the blow-dryer, so Josh was alone with his thoughts. Which, of course, sucked because he had nothing else to think about _besides_ Tyler.

Maybe he was too clingy, maybe he had to step back a little. But Hayley didn’t get what was going on, like, at all! Tyler had so much going on in his life, so where did he get the idea that he could handle everything? And Josh knows that Hayley said Tyler probably didn’t trust Josh enough yet, but Tyler wrote lyrics based on what Josh had told him, wasn’t that trust enough? Wasn’t that _impact_ enough? So why was it that suddenly Tyler couldn’t talk to Josh?

About a billion other questions similar to those run through his mind as he walk over to Hayley’s, but his thoughts get interrupted when Hayley runs out of her house and screams “Dude, what the fuck, where were you?”

“Sorry,” Josh mumbles, and Hayley huffs, so that a little strand of hair that wasn’t parted into two pigtails moves out of her face. “It’s fine, we’re not gonna be _too_ too late. What happened?”

“I’m feeling sorry for myself, nothing rare.” Josh scoffs, and Hayley frowns, turning to look at him with a concerned expression written on her face. “Come on, you can tell me. And even if you don’t wanna right now, you know I’m here for you, forever.”

“Until you decide that you don’t trust me, right?” Josh asks bitterly even though he tries to make it light-hearted. Hayley gives him another pointed look as she says “Stop that! I’ll never not trust you, and no, listen, I was talking to Jenna, and I think I know what’s wrong.”

Josh looks up curiously to her, waiting for her to continue, so she says “So, Tyler told Jenna about ‘Blurryface’-”

“You know about ‘Blurryface’?!” Josh interrupts, his eyes wide.

“Yeah, Jenna told me. She was freaking out about it, I won’t tell anyone else. I mean, I’m only telling you because you know about it. Which… okay, I understand what you mean by ‘Pete level’-“

“It actually gets worse than that, but yeah…”

Hayley waits a moment before she says hesitantly “Oh… well, alright, but listen! I think I know why Tyler was ignoring you yesterday, because Tyler told Jenna, who told me, that ‘Blurryface’ said that he should stop going to you for help.”

Hayley chews on her lip nervously as Josh exclaims “What?! But… why?!”

“Come on, Josh! I mean, okay, I’m sure Tyler is going to want to work things out with you, and you shouldn’t really hear this from me but… come on. Even I understand that ‘Blurryface’ is something that scares Tyler. So, if ‘Blurryface’ says to stop asking you for help, that means that whatever you’re doing is working, and like… I guess his mind, ‘Blurryface’ doesn’t want to go away, you know?”

“I don’t think it works like that…” Josh begins to say, “I don’t think ‘Blurryface’ is that complex.”

“Why not?” Hayley asks. “The human mind is super complex, you don’t know what the brain is capable of. It’s like that fuckin… fuckin Lucy movie, where it was like, oh, only so-and-so percent of our brain power is actually used, or something! Like, the human brain can do some weird things, I wouldn’t necessarily put ‘Blurryface’ past it.”

“You’re comparing ‘Blurryface’ to the Lucy movie?!” Josh practically screams, and Hayley sighs “Josh, just think about it! Or better yet, wait till Tyler tells you about it, because Jenna tried to talk to him about it. I’m not really sure if it worked but…” She frowns, before saying “Maybe things will get better by Friday, right? I mean you guys have to see each other to finish the project anyways.”

Josh shrugs half-heatedly, and he hopes really hard that Tyler will talk to him about it. It’s reassuring that Hayley would tell him that, but it would be even better hearing it from Tyler himself. She notices that he still looks bummed out, so pats him on the shoulder a little and she says reassuringly “It’ll be okay, Josh. Things are gonna work out, I have faith in Tyler, seriously. I mean, he was brave enough to tell Jenna, right?”

“Yeah…” Josh trails off, and Hayley gives him a sympathetic smile as they reach Patrick’s house. And then they talk about other things that Josh doesn’t really care about/can’t bring himself to care about as they walk to Pete’s place. He’s just in a really shitty mood, which Pete is quick to notice.

“Geez, what happened to this one?” Pete asks, nudging Josh a little. Josh just rolls his eyes in response, because he’s not in the mood, and Pete shrugs back “Okay, okay, sorry!”

They walk in silence for a couple of moments, so then, wanting to break the silence, Hayley switches topics as she says “So, I have some news!”

“Do tell.” Patrick says, and Hayley grins “Okay! So, technically Jenna already told Tyler-“ “That she’s in love with him? Finally.” Pete says dryly, and Hayley reaches over to punch Pete’s arm.

“No, you fucking idiot! Jenna already told Tyler that we were dating, so… yeah! We’re, like, dating!” She says excitedly, clapping her hands together a little.

 _This_ definitely pulls Josh out of his funk, and Patrick’s jaw almost drops to the cement sidewalk. Pete just laughs at her, and he pretends to wipe tears away from his eyes “Good joke!”

“I’m not joking! Jenna kissed me on Monday, and we’re dating.” Hayley says. It was actually really easy to say those words- it feels good, like adding the sprinkles on top of the icing on top of the cake. She keeps smiling at them, even though Pete joins in with Patrick on the whole ‘frozen with shock’ thing that he has going on.

“Say something!” Hayley says to them, impatient, and Josh says “That’s… that’s awesome!”, even though it still out a little sad and pathetic sounding; Hayley attributes it to Josh’s sadness, so she doesn’t dock him for it.

“I… I…” Patrick stammers, and Pete says “What he said…”

“What? You can’t deal with the fact that you’re wrong?” Hayley asks, still smiling a bit, even though it’d be more accurate to say that she was smirking. She pinches Patrick’s cheeks and says sweetly “You were wrong! Jenna likes me, and we kissed, and it was fucking awesome, and her song is about me, and we really like each other, so… suck on that.”

Patrick hates being wrong a lot, but Hayley’s still one of his best friends, so he just smiles a little and says in a shaky voice “That’s really cool, Hayley. I’m just a little shocked, I guess. Right, Pete?” Patrick looks over to Pete, but Pete just reaches over and engulfs Hayley in a huge hug “Hayley Williams has a girlfriend!”

“I have a girlfriend!” Hayley says, into Pete’s shirt, mostly because Pete gives tight hugs. Pete lets go, and he shakes her shoulders “Dude, you had your first kiss! How was it?”

“Amazing!” She screams back, and then she turns to look at Patrick “I know that you’re the ‘Mom’ friend and you’re probably concerned about me or something, but don’t worry! I know what I’m doing, I think? I don’t know, I’ll figure it out. But I’m not, like, stupid? I don’t think that Jenna’s messing with me, or anything.”

And Patrick still doesn’t look convinced, but he nods finally “Okay, I won’t freak out. Also, I’m the ‘Mom’ friend?! I’m not the ‘Mom’ friend.”

“You’re the ‘Mom’ friend.” Josh confirms, and then he wraps an arm around Hayley’s shoulder, smiling softly as she leans into him. He says to her “I’m really happy for you.” and he genuinely grins when Hayley thanks him.

“Does that mean I’m the ‘Dad’ friend?” Pete asks, before answering his own question when he says “Call me Daddy, Hayley.”

Hayley scrunches her nose before pretending to gag, just as Pete says “Actually wait, no, Patrick, call me Daddy.” “Yeah, uh, _fuck_ no.”

* * *

A couple of hours later, and Josh is sitting in English class. They’re watching “Shakespeare in Love”, because their teacher doesn’t know what else to do with them, but Josh isn’t necessarily paying attention to it, even though at the back of his mind, he knows he’s probably going to be tested on it. He just stares at the clock, because in about 30 seconds, it’ll be 5th period- his free period, and the period he’s going to face Tyler.

Tyler’s actually in this class; Tyler sits in the back of the classroom with Jenna, and Josh can practically feel Tyler’s gaze on the back of his neck, but he doesn’t dare to look back- he just keeps watching the clock, and he just keeps listening to Gwyneth Paltrow on the screen, mostly because he thinks that the fact that she named her kid “Apple” was fucking cool, until the bell rings.

And he grabs his bookbag, steadying himself and preparing himself for what might not be a good afternoon, when Tyler walks up to him. When Josh looks at him, Tyler looks mostly tired; he has bags under his eyes, and his eyes are a little bloodshot, and his rubber-band free hands shake ever so slightly. But, he asks, strangely confident, “Do you wanna walk upstairs together?”

And, well, there’s no way that Josh would say no. So he just nods, and follows Tyler out of the room. His heart beats at a rapid pace, but he tries to pay it no mind.

And it feels really weird to walk in the hallways right next to Tyler- it’s not like they’re making out, and it’s not like they’re holding hands, but it feels so unofficially official- they’re walking side-by-side, and the hallways almost seem to divide like the Red Sea for Tyler. Like, everyone seems to subconsciously move out of the way so that Tyler can walk, and it’s the weirdest thing Josh has witnessed in his entire 17 years of life. Tyler and Josh aren’t talking to each other, but Tyler looks over to him every couple of seconds, just to make sure that he’s still there, and that almost feels like communication in itself, the way that they look at each other.

And about halfway up the flight of stairs to the Music Lab, Josh notices that Shane and Mark almost glare at Tyler a little bit when they pass them, upon noticing that Josh was with him, but either Tyler didn’t notice, or Tyler just ignored it, because he didn’t falter, or freeze, or anything. He just sighs deeply, and keeps walking, until they reach the Labs. Tyler swings the door open, and he drops his bookbag on the ground, before turning back around to look at Josh.

The lights are still off, so the only light in the room comes from the windows- Josh almost pulls Tyler in by the collar of his shirt and kisses him, because he looks so good right now, and Josh misses him so much (which worries him a little, because it’s only been 24 hours), but he buries those feeling deep inside.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler says softly, but sincerely, as Josh reaches behind himself and flicks the lights on. “I, er, have an explanation, I guess, but I was kind of a dick, so… I apologize for that.”

Tyler is a lot different than Josh’s other friends- Josh was sort of expecting more of a fight. But it’s not like he’s _not_ grateful.

“I guess I’ll start from the beginning…” Tyler says, rubbing the back of his neck a little, and then he looks over to Josh “If that’s okay?”

“That’s okay,” Josh begins to say, before Tyler interrupts him with “I had a nightmare yesterday… It was really surreal? Like, I’ve never really had a dream that felt so real, you know? ‘Blurryface’ was trying to kill me, but he wasn’t like, he wasn’t like chasing me with a knife, and he didn’t have a gun, and he wasn’t trying to hang me. He was on top of me, trapping me, and he was… fuck,” He takes a moment to take a deep breath, and Josh moves to sit next to him, on the piano bench in the room. Josh puts his hand on Tyler’s thigh, like some sort of consolation, and that seems to work.

“So, he was on top of me. And he was straddling me, I guess. And he had his hands on my throat, and he was just pressing down, like he wanted to choke me. And, fuck, I really felt it… I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I swear I felt that pressure on my skin, but anyways, he was just saying things like… like ‘I’m gonna kill you’, and stuff like that. And I never had a dream that real, so I was fucking terrified, and I was thrashing, and trying to get away, and his eyes, they were red, and…. And then he said that how-“

Tyler pauses a second time, and he turns to look at Josh, and he says, looking into his eyes, “he said that how I should stop going to you for help… because you were going to get tired of me always complaining to you, and he said that you were going to find someone better than me, someone who isn’t so fucked up, and he said that I had to stop being a _coward_ and deal with my own problems, and stop asking you to fix them for me.”

So, Hayley was right. Except, it doesn’t make Josh feel any better, hearing it from Tyler. It makes him feel like shit- he knows that ‘Blurryface’ is in Tyler’s head, but he’d like nothing more than to beat the shit out of him.

Tyler’s voice wavers a little as he says “So… then I woke up. And I couldn’t sleep after that, and I didn’t want to bother you, because I don’t want you to get annoyed with me, and I didn’t want to bother you… so that’s why I had the rubber band on, because I had to stay awake, and then when you asked me what was wrong I just… I just snapped, you know? Because ‘Blurryface’ told me figure out my business by myself, and I was so freaked out and intimidated, and I listened. Because… it felt so fucking real, you know? It felt like he was really there, sometimes I think that ‘Blurryface’ will kill me, for real, and I don’t want to die! I can’t die and leave my siblings with my parents, and just, I don’t wanna die, not yet, so I just listened to him. And I know that ‘Blurryface’ can’t kill you, obviously, he’s in my fucked up head, but I… I don’t know, he’s in my head all of the time, he has this way of just convincing me. Like, I feel like he would have the power to just erase you from my mind altogether, even though in reality he’s just a voice in my head.”

Josh almost expects Tyler to keep going, but then Tyler slumps his shoulders a little, and he frowns, looking at Josh expectantly.

“Oh…” “Oh?” Tyler repeats back, and then he raises his eyebrows before Josh elaborates “I mean, I understand now. Before I was just, like, upset because I didn’t know why you didn’t wanna talk to me anymore, and I thought I had done something wrong…”

Josh isn’t exactly sure what to say- he just wants to ‘kiss it all better’, quote unquote, but since he can’t, because he’s afraid that Tyler will push him away, he just continues to babble “And I mean, like, I’ll never get tired of you. I’d rather you complain to me, and me getting annoyed than for you to…” He trails off, and Tyler hums, like he knew where Josh’s train of thought was headed.

“You say that now, but-“ “I know I’m saying it now, and I’ll keep saying it. I don’t mind you telling me anything because I’m not going to get tired of you and I’m not gonna… dump you, I guess, for someone else, because you’re not a fuck-up, or whatever ‘Blurryface’ calls you. You’re just Tyler, man. You’re perfect.” Josh gushes, and Tyler’s face flushes a shade of pink as he turns to look at the floor. And Josh would be embarrassed since he pretty much said the gayest thing ever, but he can barely see that Tyler’s smiling a little, so it’s worth it.

“I’m not perfect,” Tyler says, and he looks up again- the smile is just now fading, but he looks a lot more serious “No one with something like ‘Blurryface’ in their mind is perfect.”

“But you’re perfect to me… I mean, I don’t like that ‘Blurryface’ is part of you, but not because he’s _part of you_ , I just don’t like that he terrorizes you like that, you know? But I don’t think you’re crazy, or anything, because of it. I really like you, Tyler, you _know_ that. And it’s not because you’re the basketball captain, or anything like that. I like you because you’re you, and you’re really nice, and smart, and you write amazing poetry, and you like Harry Potter and I like Harry Potter, and fuck, you’re really funny… and you still text using capital letters in 2016, and I don’t know! I don’t know, you’re just you, and I’ll take you for you, you know? Whatever problems you have, I’ll help you through them not only cause I like you, but because you’re my friend, and I genuinely wanna help you, and that’s not, like, fake…” Josh says, and the hand that’s on Tyler’s thigh stays there, firm and comforting. 

He frowns a little when Tyler lets out a shaky breath, but then he breaks out into a small smile when he sees one on Tyler's face.

“Okay,” Tyler says, still practically beaming at this point, “Okay, I believe you. I mean, I don’t think I’ll just automatically stop believing everything ‘Blurryface’ says but… we’ll work on it, right?”

“We’ll work on it.” Josh repeats, before he adds “And I mean, not to like, toot my own horn, or whatever, I don’t really like that saying, it sounds kinda weird to me, but _not to toot my own horn_ , but if you ever doubt that, just remember that verse from ‘Holding On To You’, right? ‘Fight it, take the pain, ignite it’…”

Josh immediately regrets saying that, only because it makes him feel like an asshole, tooting his own horn and whatnot, but Tyler doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he nods and repeats it back to him, almost like he’s trying to engrave it into his mind, and keep it there in case he needs it again.

After that, Tyler clears his throat a little, and says softly “So… we should probably, like, work on the song, right?”

And Josh grins. “Yeah,” he says, “we should work on the song."

Needless to say, the quality of his day increases significantly. He's super thankful that the trick from the Lizzie McGuire movie didn't work after all.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! okay, so this was supposed to be a lot longer- considering i havent updated in so long, AND i reached 800 kudos (?!??!?!?!?!) i really wanted it to come back with a bang, but i became so caught up in "i have to make this a good chapter, it needs to be amazing" that i just freaked myself out, and i refused to write it because "i wasnt in the right mood" or "i need the perfect song" and then the days passed and now it's friday! almost 2 weeks since i last posted!!! so im really sorry that this is short and stupid, but i really hope that now that i have it all out of my system i can start fresh and hopefully update this in the next three days- seriously please yell at me or something if i dont because then that's just me being plain lazy. thanks for keeping up w this story even tho i do stupid things like not update in years and give you a barely 3000 word chapter. even tho it doesnt seem like it, im really thankful <3


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***TRIGGER WARNING***- there's physical child abuse and homophobic language in 2nd part- it's detailed, even though it's not in tyler's perspective, so let me know if you want me to just summarize it for you without all of the details.

“Okay, your song sounds exactly like this song I heard when I watching Glee last night,” Pete says. Patrick rolls his eyes, and he crosses his arms. “I doubt it.”

“It does! It was the episode that Britney Spears was in, and Rachel sang a song that sounds, like, identical to yours, to Finn and the Glee Club!” Pete exclaims, turning to Hayley for help. “Hales, Glee-fucker-69, wasn’t there a song that-“

“I don’t think so.” Hayley interrupts him, before going back to her computer “Alright, can we finish this song? All I have to do is lay down the vocals, and then touch it up a little, and we’re good!”

It’s another day in the Music Labs- as usual, it was super hectic, since no one was done with their projects, but a lot got done. Josh had his headphones in, and was touching up the rest of “ _Holding On To You_ ”, Jenna and Patrick finally recording the instrumental for their project (Well, Patrick played the instruments, technically, but…), and Pete and Hayley had pretty much finished “ _All I Wanted_ ”, aside from the vocals.

“What a drag,” Pete says, even though he jumps off of the table with the computers, and practically sits in Hayley’s lap, to fix everything up for her. Hayley turns to Patrick for some sort of help, but he just shrugs.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you sing!” Jenna says, from her spot at the piano bench, and Hayley sighs. She looks over to Jenna and says indifferently  “I’m okay, I guess.”

“Jen, your girlfriend is a liar.” Patrick says to Jenna- she smiles a little at the nickname, while Hayley rolls her eyes, and says again “I’m not that good!”

“I second Patrick- Hayley is really good at singing. It sounds like… fire. Like actual fire, like when Hayley sings, I envision a house burning down… but like in a good way. Like, her voice is that strong, and-“  Pete says, before he gets interrupted by Hayley throwing an eraser at his face “You just compared my voice to a house fire?!”

“In a good way! If Josh could hear us right now, he’d probably agree.” All of them simultaneously look over to Josh, who’s slightly bumping his head up and down as he edits, and then they go back to arguing.

“I don’t know, I just don’t think I’m that good! I don’t think I’m bad, just, you know… mediocre at best? Plus, I don’t wanna sound all cocky, and then I end up sounding like IceJJFish.”

“I love IceJJFish…” Pete says, mostly to himself. Patrick gives him an odd look, and then Pete clears his throat, hopping off of Hayley’s lap “Alright, you’re all set.”

The way recording works, since they don’t have proper microphones, is that the person singing has to practically yell their lyrics, while everyone else in the room stays absolutely quiet- and if they even breathe too loud, the microphone picks up on _that_ (not, of course, the singing), and then they have to start all over again.

Pete shoves at Josh’s shoulders a little, so that Josh takes off his headphones, and Josh looks over at him “Huh?”

“Hales is recording,” He says, and Josh pulls off his headphones, and saves his work. “I’m almost done!” he says, and then he turns to Jenna. “Do you think you can do me a favor?”

“I guess?” Jenna says hesitantly, and Josh asks “Can you drop off the flash drive at Tyler’s? I don’t wanna go cause, er…” He trails off, and Pete laughs. Loudly. “Cause you went and made a fool out of yourself at church?”

“Yes, Pete.” Josh hisses, and he glares at him a little, before turning back to Jenna “And I don’t think his parents would be too happy seeing me again.”

“Yeah, sure! I mean, it’s on the way back, so that won’t be too bad.” She says, and then Josh thanks her, before Hayley asks if they’re ready.

“I apologize if I make your ears bleed…” She mutters, before she puts on the headphones to hear the instrumental. And then she presses record.

It’s acapella in the sense that there’s no accompaniment for them to hear, so it’s just Hayley’s voice, and Hayley’s voice alone. The 4 of them share glances throughout the song, listening as her voice goes from soft and almost nervous, into something stronger and more passionate. Technically, the song called for that, because it got louder and louder which every verse, but it was really clear that Hayley _felt_ the lyrics, like everything she wrote was from her heart.

“ _All I wanted was you! All I wanted was you!”_ Hayley sings, moving her head to the beat (one that none of them can hear, but), and she doesn’t necessarily dance, since she’s very much aware of the 4 people staring at her, but she moves around, and stretches her arms out. Jenna can only describe it as very _Grimes_ -eque, very free flowy and airy.

She throws her head back once she belts out the last couple of lyrics, holding the note until she has to breathe, and then she presses the record button again to stop it. And then she takes a deep breath, and turns around “Yuck.”

“You’re…” Josh begins to say, because he can’t believe Hayley would even have the nerve to say ‘yuck’ after that performance. But then he can’t find the right words to say, so he shakes his head “That almost made me cry- and I don’t cry!”

“You cried when we were watching High School Musical 2 when Gabriella-“ “Okay, Pete, stop! The point is that you sounded really fucking good!” and then Jenna nods quickly “Same, I agree! You sounded great!”

“Your voice will totally distract Mr. Way from my shitty bass playing, and we’re gonna get an 100- I can feel it!” Pete grins, and then he pulls Hayley in for a hug- he’s just touchy-feely like that.

And Hayley smiles, even though her nose is pressed into his smelly shirt, mostly because she just really loves her friends- it’s not even her fishing for compliments, she just genuinely doesn’t think her singing voice is that great. But it feels good being surrounding by positivity, so she doesn't complain.

* * *

“Drew Seeley sounds nothing like Zac Efron… I can’t believe Disney expected me to believe that it was the same person singing,” Josh begins to say, before Patrick says matter-of-factly, “Technically, they blended their voices together, and I don’t think Disney anticipated 17 year olds listening to HSM. I bet you didn’t notice when you were 7, y’know, when it first came out…”

“Don’t shame me for liking High School Musical, Patrick! I’m just saying… Disney Channel is such a snake for lying to me like that…” Josh frowns, thinking about how Disney Channel cheated him.

In the last hour, both Josh and Pete and Hayley finished their projects- Josh literally jumped out of his seat and danced around in the room for a while, and Hayley was just thankful that the vocals weren’t lost when Pete accidentally shut off the computer.

So, since Josh finished up the song, they were all bringing it over to Tyler’s house, in case he wanted to switch things around, and whatnot. Tyler’s house was on the way, so everyone was going to stop by- by stop by, Josh meant hiding behind the bushes while Jenna delivered the flash drive, but _still_. He had a bad feeling in his stomach about this, like he was sure Tyler’s mom was going to notice Josh’s hair or something, but there was nothing he could really do- Hayley didn’t wanna leave Jenna’s side, and Hayley and Pete had plans to watch the episode of Glee that they were arguing about earlier. So… Josh was pretty much screwed.

“But he sang in High School Musical 2!” Hayley says, swinging her hands with Jenna’s. Jenna hums in agreement “So, I mean, High School Musical didn’t lie to you that much…”

“Hmm, fair point. He sounded really good during ‘ _Bet On It’_ , so-“ Josh pauses mid-sentence, when Jenna stops in front of a fairly normal looking house. The backyard is visible from the front of the house. And Josh can see a basketball hoop set up- he feels a little nauseous, just imagining Tyler out there, having to 500 of those. He shudders a little, and Pete gives him an odd look, but neither of them say anything.

“Alright, pass me the flash drive?” Jenna asks, holding her free hand out. Josh reaches into his pocket, and gives it over to her. And then, Hayley lets go of her other hand. And they wait.

Hayley, Pete, Patrick, and Josh kind of hide out of view, as opposed to behind bushes which Josh doesn’t particularly like, but he also doesn’t feel like saying “We should hide!” so… there’s that. Jenna walks up to the front door, and she makes a face when she sees Josh crouching behind Pete, just in case. And she goes to press the doorbell.

Now, they can’t really hear anything, since they’re far away, but Jenna jumps back suddenly, and her eyes widen. She mouths something that none of them can make out, so she walks back quickly to them. “I think someone just threw glass? I-I don’t know, I just went up to the door, and then I heard a noise and I heard, like, fuck, glass shatter and then someone screamed, and…” She whispers, and then she grabs Hayley’s hand. “Come, let’s go to the back.”

“What?! No!” Patrick says, shaking his head quickly “No, no, that’s not a good idea!”

Josh is practically frozen- he doesn’t want to go back and see Tyler dead, or something, but he knows about the abuse that goes on around Tyler’s house- glass being thrown and screaming doesn’t equal anything good. So, he snaps out of it, and starts stalking for the gate that leads to the backyard “No, we gotta go check it out!”

“Are you fucking crazy?!” Patrick yells, and Hayley shushes him. “Patrick!”

“Josh, I don’t think that’s-“ Patrick stops talking, because Pete starts following the other 4. “Babe, I don’t think Josh is gonna listen, and you heard Jenna, something is wrong…”

Patrick still doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but he follows the rest of them either way- if Pete’s going, Patrick will go too. That’s sort of a given.

Jenna opens the gate, and she closes it gently once everyone’s in the backyard.

“Come on, there’s a window… by the kitchen, and… Oh God, let’s just go.” Jenna says quickly, and then the 5 of them run past the glass sliding door after Jenna checks it to make sure no one was standing there. The thought of one of Tyler’s parents seeing them sends a chill through Josh’s back, and he’s never been more terrified in his life. The image of one of his parents throwing glass at Tyler can’t get out of his head, no matter how he tries to forget it, no matter how many times he tries to think about stupid Drew Seeley, and anything _but_ that.

The window is up high, high enough that none of them can see through it without assistance. But the shouting is enough for all of them to glance at each other.

“ _I’m sorry_!” They hear Tyler beg, and Jenna clasps a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. “Guys, this isn’t a good idea!” Patrick whispers, even though he looks absolutely horrified.

“Let me get on your back,” Hayley turns to Josh, “If I get up on your shoulders, I’ll be able to see through the window.” Josh nods, even though he’d rather do it, but he knows that he could hold Hayley’s weight. And it’s almost comedic, the way that Hayley just jumps into his back, and practically crawls up onto his shoulders, but none of them are laughing. Pete is sitting on the grass, with his head in his hands. 

“You can get up on mine,” Patrick says to Jenna, instead of saying that it wasn’t a good idea- by now, he knows that none of them want to do this, but there was something in Josh’s eyes, like he wasn’t surprised that it was happening, almost like he knew it was a matter of time, that makes him do it. Jenna gets up on Patrick’s back, and he looks over to Josh.

“His parents…” Josh trails off, and Patrick nods.

There’s _a lot_ of shouting. None of them can hear it properly, but the one thing that they can hear is Tyler begging. Not even words, but the sound of his voice, how he sounds so miserable. There’s someone else yelling, it sounds like Maddy, and there’s a string of “ _Mark said…_ ” and “ _You can’t be gay…_ ” and “ _The people in church know…”_ and “ _Our son can’t be a fucking faggot…”_ and “ _How could you…”_ and “ _We do so much for you…”_ and “ _You’re a disgrace…”_ and _“You’ve ruined everything…”_ and Pete moans in despair on the ground.

“Pete…” Patrick whispers, and Pete looks up to Patrick, his face streaked with tears. His hands shake, and he lets out a breath he was holding when Patrick mouths “Just breathe…”

There’s more shouting, and they hear somebody drop to the ground, and then there’s something else that Josh, Pete, nor Patrick can identify, and then they hear a young child crying. And then there’s the sound of footsteps.

Hayley and Jenna jump off of Josh and Patrick’s backs quickly, none of them have the chance to ask what happened, and they all duck as they hear the sounds of the faucet running, the soft sounds of glass being swept off of the floor. They make a run for it when Pete dashes across the yard, just to get out of there.

“I’m gonna puke,” Pete says once they’re all out of the backyard, a couple of houses away, and he repeats it again, and again. He reaches for Patrick, and he clings to him, his hands wrapped in Patrick’s shirt.

“We have to call the police! We have to call the police, we have to call the police, we have to call the police,” Patrick says, but Jenna shakes her head. She’s not crying, she just looks frozen with shock.

“We can’t… we should tell Tyler before we do that…” She says, and Hayley says “They… oh fuck, they were just screaming at him, and his siblings were hiding, but then the little sister, she, okay, she started getting involved, and then the next thing we know, his Dad just punches him in the stomach, and he doubled over, and then he fell, and.” She pauses, to make sure that Pete doesn’t actually throw up on someone’s front yard, but he just listens on.

“And he fell, and his Dad… oh fuck, oh fuck, okay, his Dad just started kicking him in the stomach, but it only lasted a couple of seconds, because this little kid, really little, just walked in and started crying. And then his Dad just stopped, and walked away, and Tyler was just there, on the floor, and-“

“We need to call someone, we have to! Guys, holy shit, we have to!” Patrick says, taking out his phone from his pocket, and then Jenna says, again. “No, we have to tell Tyler first! What if they believe that one of the siblings called? What… what if it gets worse? We have to tell Tyler first!”

“Tyler probably won’t even come to school tomorrow, nevertheless-“ Patrick says, and Josh shakes Patrick’s arm a little to get to him to stop talking. “No, he’s going to come to school tomorrow. They didn’t punch him across the face, or anything, he kicked him where no one will see. And Tyler has to play in the game on Saturday.” He says, his eyes blurred over a little. He can’t think.

“Don’t you give a shit about-“ Patrick begins to say, before Josh snaps “I give a shit about Tyler.”

“You knew about this, Josh, so as far as I’m fucking concerned-“ and Hayley says, eyes wide “You knew about it?!”

“They never hit him before, I didn’t know that, but I know that his parents are… he didn’t want anyone to know, he said that-“

“Stop arguing, stop arguing, stop fucking arguing!" Pete says, his hands still tangled in the material of Patrick’s tee-shirt. “I think we sh-should research o-or do something that isn’t so sudden! If we call the cops, if we call the cops, we don’t know what will happen, or who will take care of Tyler and his siblings, we don’t even know if they’ll do anything, and if they don’t do anything, then that’s even worse for Tyler and his siblings! We have t-to do research first, because-“

“But, Pete,” Patrick says, “what if it gets worse before it gets better?”

“I agree with Pete.” Josh says, finally. “I think we should look things up, and tell Tyler about it first. He has a right to know before we do something drastic like call the cops-“

Jenna adds “Yeah, I care about Tyler, I love Tyler like a brother, but I don’t think calling the cops right now would-“ “But his bruises are fresh! They’ll know it’s his Dad!”

“Patrick, it’s 4 to 1…” Hayley says finally, and Patrick sighs deeply. He puts his phone away, and he says “Fine… we’ll do our research, and we’ll tell Tyler tomorrow, right?”

Pete curls in a little closer to Patrick and says softly “Please don’t be mad at me, fuck, please don’t be mad at me-“ and his face crumples again as he starts crying. Patrick just wraps his arms around Pete’s midsection, and shakes his head “I’m not mad, I promise.”

Jenna, Hayley, and Josh exchange glances as they listen to Pete continually beg Patrick to forgive him. It only adds to the hurt in Josh's heart- he thinks about Tyler, Tyler who’s probably still lying on the floor in his home, and  _that’s_ when Josh starts crying, deep sobs that come from his gut that make his body shake. It's the worst he's ever felt in his life, and hurts even more knowing that Tyler's in so much more pain than him, that Josh said that he would protect Tyler, and be there for him when he needed him to be. And then... Josh couldn't. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when pete was babbling in the beginning, he was referring to the time that they covered "the only exception" on glee!! when i saw that episode i was like "holy shit...."
> 
> also, i'm probably going to update soon, because i dont wanna leave it off for 2 weeks on this note.


	23. Chapter 23

“Um… my mom wants to know if you guys want me to order some pizza? She made some, er, dinner already, but she didn’t really anticipate feeding 5 teenagers so…” Hayley trails off, trying to smile a little, to try to lighten the mood. But everyone was sort of lying around in her room, too tired to even try to humor her.

As it turned out, no one wanted to be alone after what they had just seen (and heard) at Tyler’s house, especially not Pete. And since it was still only Wednesday night, a lot of phone calls with hurried “no, Mom, we really need to finish this project, I’m not lying. Why would I be lying? Do you think I’d just be hanging around Hayley’s house when I have tests to study for…?”s were made, but eventually, everyone had permission to hang around Hayley’s house until it got _too_ too late.

Plus, Jenna had Hayley’s laptop open on Google Chrome, and they were going to look up some stuff in regards to child abuse- if one good thing came out of this horribly shitty incident, it was all of them were eager to find Tyler help.

“I like pizza…” Pete says quietly, from his spot on the bed. He’s wrapped up in some blankets, and his eyes are still a little puffy from crying too much, but Patrick is right by his side, still, so he feels a little better. He leans his head on Patrick’s shoulder and he sniffles “If your Mom doesn’t mind…” He trails off, and Jenna hums from her spot by the computer.

“We can pay her back if she wants,” Jenna says, before she glances over to Josh, who’s been quiet for a while.

Josh is lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling fan.

“She doesn’t care about that. Here, who wants to order the pizza?” She asks, before Patrick looks up. “I’ll do it, pass the phone?”

Pete flinches when Hayley tosses her phone over to Patrick, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He instead says “I don’t think that we can report anything- they’re not gonna believe us.”

Hayley climbs up onto her bed and she lies on her stomach as she listens to Patrick order the pizza. “You gotta get half of the pizza with pineapples because Josh is a weirdo who likes pineapple on his pizza” She giggles a little, and then she looks over to Josh- Josh just remains staring at the fan, and Hayley frowns.

“Pete’s right,” Jenna says, from her spot at the computer. “There’s a whole list of people who can report child abuse to CPS, but that list includes doctors, nurses, school personnel, psychologists, etcetera etcetera. So… Tyler’s going to have to show those bruises to someone.”

“Don’t they need proof that… his parents, um, that his parents did it?” Patrick asks, hesitantly, after he finishes the pizza call. He, also, looks over to Josh for his input, but Josh doesn’t respond.

And it’s not that Josh doesn’t want to contribute to this conversation- fuck, all of his friends are willing to help someone that Josh probably cares about more than himself. But Josh _can’t_ stop thinking about Tyler. He just imagines Tyler having to pull himself off of the floor by himself, or maybe some of his siblings helping him up, and he just imagines what ‘Blurryface’ had to say about it, and he can’t stop thinking about how Tyler had to play basketball during the stupid championship game on Saturday while his body’s covered in black and blues, while Josh did absolutely nothing to stop it. He didn’t know if he should call Tyler, or if his parents took away his phone, or if Tyler was passed out, or anything, and Josh felt completely helpless.

He doesn’t know if Tyler did anything else, like kill himself, which is, y’know, great to think about. He feels tears prickling at his eyes just thinking about it, about Tyler hanging himself, and when they find him, he’d have bruises all over his stomach, and-

Josh clenches his fist and he closes his eyes tightly- he can’t bring himself to think about Tyler lying, stiff and pale and cold on a coroner’s table.

“Um… Josh?” Hayley asks softly, and she slides off of her bed to sit next to Josh. “Are you alright? Do you want some water, or some coffee?”

“No…” He says, and it comes out rough since he hasn’t said anything since before his breakdown. “I’m fine, I’m just… thinking, I don’t know. I wish I could see Tyler. I have to  know if he’s alive, you know?” He asks, his voice cracking on the last word.

“His father wouldn’t have killed him…. I mean, it was fucking horrible, but that can’t kill him…” Patrick says, and Josh replies back, quickly, “That’s not what I meant.”

Pete tugs a little on Patrick’s arm and whispers something in his ear, and Patrick’s eyes soften a little when Pete pulls away. “Oh…”

“Tyler wouldn’t… um, the, uh, Bible…” Jenna trails off for a second, before she adds “Technically killing yourself is a sin, but I mean… I don’t think that particular thought would be... okay, I’m not helping, sorry…” She turns back to Hayley’s computer and she coughs awkwardly.

“Okay, okay, let’s not talk about Tyler killing himself, please, let’s just figure out how to fix this and report his parents to the fucking police and have them arrested.” Hayley says quickly, when she gauges Josh’s facial expression- he looks absolutely torn.

Because Jenna’s not lying- that particular thought, the ‘killing yourself is a sin’ wouldn’t stop Tyler. Why would it? Especially since Tyler’s probably feeling horrible already, ‘Blurryface’ urging him to just kill himself already would probably work. Tyler already listened to ‘Blurryface’ when he said to ignore Josh, so now that Tyler was even more vulnerable, this was prime time. Josh just prays that Tyler takes Josh’s stupid fucking useless advice, and Josh prays that tomorrow he’ll see Tyler. He doesn’t even care what condition Tyler’s in, because he just wants to make sure he’s okay.

“Again… how are we gonna prove that his parents did it? I mean, even if Tyler gets those bruises checked out, how could they prove that his father did it, and it didn’t just happen during basketball, or something?” Patrick asks, before adding “Okay, what about his mom? Was she part of it?”

“She was just watching…” Hayley says, and Josh says “His mom makes him do the baskets, she’s in on it too.”

“The baskets?” Jenna asks, looking up again from the laptop. “You know what? I don’t think I want to know right now. I really _really_ don’t think I want to know.”

“You don’t.” Josh says, and Patrick sighs deeply “Okay, so his mom is on it too… but who’s gonna know? Will they trust what Tyler says?”

“Tyler and his siblings!” Hayley adds, “it’d be us, Tyler, and his siblings… they can’t not believe that!”

“What if one of them filmed it?” Pete asks, curling in a little closer to Patrick “Like… I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the abuse didn’t start and stop today, so what if one of them filmed it? Wouldn’t that be proof enough?”

“That’s way too much risk… imagine what would happen… actually, let’s not imagine that.” Patrick says, before shuddering a little.

“No, no, listen. That’s actually not a bad idea… Tyler and his siblings are very close… they’re always together, and we heard the way that his sister was screaming at her parents to stop. If we just convince them to film it…” Jenna begins to say, and then Patrick interrupts “That’s not… do you know what would happen if his parents saw one of them filming it? Plus, have you seen Tyler’s phone? They don’t have cameras on that!”

“So I’ll give her my phone! I don’t know, I don’t know, but they’re going to need proof… and wouldn’t recording it be proof? Even something small like, er, his mom and the baskets….” Jenna pauses after she says that, and then she turns to Josh “Actually, no, what’s with the baskets?”

“His parents make him do 500 baskets when he gets back from practice… I guess to-“ Josh gets interrupted by Jenna getting out of her seat. “No.”

“No?” Patrick asks, and Jenna whips around to look at him “No! I… fuck, this can’t be happening! This is a dream, this is a dream, and I’m going to wake up, and this is NOT happening. They don’t do that to him, they can’t do that to him!” She continues pacing the room as she said “And… fuck, you know one time I walked in on him doing the baskets and I heard him… I heard him yell at ‘500’, and I didn’t even think anything of it… I thought it was joke, because that’s fucking insane… they can’t make him do that!”

“They _do_ , they _do_. So that Tyler gets better, and better, so that he can get that scholarship. So, after he gets back from school, after practice, he has to do the 500 baskets, and if he doesn’t, they don’t feed him.” Josh admits.

“What the fuck?!” Pete and Jenna exclaim at the same time. They both share exasperated glances, before they turn their attention back to Josh.

“Is that why Tyler doesn’t work on the song after school?” Hayley asks, bringing a hand up to her mouth so that she can start biting her nails.

“Yeah! I even tried bringing food for him before, but then his parents got pissed that he kept skipping the baskets, so I just told him that I would work on the song, you know?” Josh says, and Jenna nods, and she goes back to the chair, before she starts typing on the laptop.

“Alright, it says here that you don’t need evidence to report child abuse… it says that even a suspicion is enough to report it.” Jenna reads off, and then she sighs in relief. “Okay, we don’t need proof. Thank God.”

“Yay.” Pete says, without any excitement whatsoever- no one can really blame him. “Still… I don’t feel good about it. What, so tomorrow we just interrogate Tyler?”

“I mean… Josh and I can, since we’re the closest to him?” Jenna says, looking over to Josh for approval. He nods, and she continues “And we wouldn’t… wouldn’t interrogate him, we’ll just tell him-“ “That we snuck into his backyard, watched as his father beat him, and didn’t do anything about it?” Patrick asks, and Pete winces “Ricky…”

“What else are we supposed to do?” Hayley asks. “if Tyler and his siblings haven’t reported anything yet, then who will?”

“Do you think they’re scared?” Pete says, before he corrects himself “I mean… they probably are, right? They don’t wanna believe that their parents would hurt them… and let me guess, when Tyler told you about the baskets, he said that his parents did it for the Tyler’s benefit?” Josh nods, and Pete hums “Exactly… so we have to do everything we can to make sure Tyler tells school personnel about it, even if it means quote unquote interrogating. It’s either that, or proof that we don’t have, so…”

“But we don’t need proof.” Hayley stresses, and Jenna says “But proof would mean faster results” “And proof is too risky…” Patrick adds. The 5 friends all glance at each together before collectively sighing.

“So… we’ve gotten nowhere, basically. We’re back at square one. Great.” Pete says, before he sighs. “We need a plan.”

“So… Josh and Jenna tell Tyler what we saw, and then they convince him to tell the nurse… and then the nurse reports it, and-“ “But would Tyler rat his parents out?” Hayley asks, and Josh takes a deep breath “I don’t think so.”

“Wow, you have a lot of faith in him,” Patrick deadpans, before Pete elbows him in the gut “Don’t be an asshole.”

“Yeah, Patrick, don’t be an asshole,” Josh makes a face at Patrick, and Patrick rolls his eyes “I’m just saying! You literally aren’t even considering-“

“I’m not considering anything because I know Tyler… and I know that Tyler tries to see the best in people… Tyler’s not a fucking idiot, okay? And Tyler knows that it’s abuse… but those are his parents. And think about it, what happens after they report it? Tyler and his siblings will have to start their life all over again, and Tyler’s probably thinking that he’s going to be legal soon, and then he’ll be away from his siblings because they’ll probably be put in a foster home, and ‘Blurryface’-“

“Wha?” Pete lifts his head from the crook of Patrick’s neck, he’s already back to cuddling with Patrick even though he just elbowed him in the stomach, and Josh sighs “It’s this… it’s not my place…”

“I’ll tell him.” Jenna says, before brushing her hair out of her face. And then she explains ‘Blurryface’ in a way that Josh wouldn’t have necessarily explained it, but it makes sense. Pete nods throughout the entire explanation, like he knows exactly what she’s talking about. Patrick chews on his bottom lip, concern written all over his face.

“Well… ‘Blurryface’ obviously wants to catch these hands,” Pete begins saying, and Patrick brings a hand up to his forehead “ _Jeez_ , Pete.”

“I’m not lying! But seriously... I know how Tyler feels, I kinda have that too… obviously not to the extent that Tyler does, but I have that voice in my head too. And I know that what Josh says about that voice temping Tyler is true… because that voice is really fucking tempting. I literally have fucking proof that that voice is tempting but, er… let’s just pray that Tyler’s fine.” Pete says, and Jenna gasps “We should do a prayer circle!”

Pete, Patrick, Josh, and Hayley all glance at each other before Hayley says slowly “Um… babe…”

“I’m serious! Come on, it’s worth a shot!” Jenna says, and she _is_ being serious. “How about we do the prayer circle after we come up with a plan. Like… like a 2 in 1, you know? Pray for Tyler and pray for our plan to work!” Pete exclaims and Jenna blinks at him “A _2 in 1?”_

“Yeah!” Pete says, and Hayley says a little louder “Okay- a plan! Let’s come up with a plan!”

“But wait... There’s not much to plan… all we have to hope... nay, to _pray-“_ Pete points a finger gun to Jenna, who looks very unamused, and then he continues “all we have to pray for is for Tyler to report the injuries to the school nurse, and to tell someone about the crazy 500 thing. That’s all we need.”

“But what if Tyler doesn’t!” Patrick asks, and Jenna says “Then we’ll have to ask one of his siblings- a backup plan! It’s not that I don’t trust Tyler, but… it’s just a backup. I’ll go to the middle school tomorrow before practice and just talk to Maddy.”

Just as Jenna finishes her sentence, the doorbell rings, and one of Hayley’s little sisters screams “PIZZA!”- Pete’s eyes practically light up with excitement and he says “So… how about we do the prayer circle after the pizza…. Or before the pizza, for a 3 in 1. We pray for good pizza, for the plan to work, and for Tyler!” “It doesn’t work like that, Pete!”

* * *

So, Josh nearly cries when he sees Tyler the next day- like, he’s so immensely proud of Tyler, and he just wants to hug him (and then he remembers that it would probably hurt like hell for  him), and just… Josh is really happy to see Tyler the next day. But then, that happiness is quickly gone, when he realizes that Tyler acts like nothing has changed.

He’s even walking fine- and his eyes are a little bloodshot, but Tyler’s eyes are always bloodshot. His binder isn’t pressed to his abdomen anymore, but that’s about it.

“Are you okay….?” Tyler asks him, once Josh is close enough to hear him, and Josh blinks a couple of times “…What?”

“I asked if you were okay, you looked a little, um… I don’t know. Surprised?” Tyler asks- they’re now both standing in front of Tyler’s locker. And people are mostly definitely staring at them talking... and Josh is very confused. He’s very confused, because he’s not sure how Tyler can even stand straight and be okay- he wonders, briefly, if this has ever happened before, just because Tyler is acting like _nothing_ happened.

Josh was expecting Tyler to stumble into school, late, and for him to be crying, or freaking out, and basically just everything _but_ this.

“Weneedtotalk.” Josh says quickly, and Tyler’s eyes fill with worry. “Did I do something?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowed.

“No!” Josh says, loudly, and Tyler flinches, just slightly. God, Josh can’t catch a break. “I mean... I mean, you didn’t do anything wrong, we just need to talk.” Josh says, clutching the straps of his bookbag tightly.

“Um… alright…” Tyler says, before he frowns “So, after this period, right? When we have free? To work on our song?”

“Actually, I finished it! I tried to drop it off at your-“ Josh pauses, and that’s when Tyler’s eyes widen “You what?”

“Well, it… I…” Josh fumbles over his words, not exactly sure if he wants to tell Tyler 3 seconds before the bell rings that he overhead the abuse that went on at Tyler’s house. So he just says “I’ll tell you later!”

Tyler doesn’t say anything after that, he gives Josh a downcast look, before he walks into the classroom.

Because Josh couldn’t have overheard anything, right? There’s no way in high hell that Josh could have heard everything that went on last night. But Tyler starts piecing things together, how surprised Josh looked that Tyler was even walking, the way that Jenna asked him if he wanted help carrying his books, the pitiful glance Pete sent his way before they took their Math test. Suddenly, Tyler feels like they know something that he doesn’t… except that literally makes no fucking sense because he knows exactly what they know.

He thinks back to yesterday, how his parents carried on as if nothing had happened- how he had to pick himself off of the floor, and how he had thrown up blood, and how ‘Blurryface’’s stupid voice rang in his head as he took a shower, beckoning him to slice up his neck with one of the razors lying innocently on the side of the tub, how Maddy and Zack were both waiting for him in his room, waiting for some sort of solution that Tyler couldn’t even give them because he was too busy thinking about offing himself to think about anything else.

He feels like puking again, but then he remembers how much pressure would be added onto his bruise, so he just wills himself to stop thinking about it. It doesn’t necessarily work, but it’s the thought that counts… he guesses.

* * *

_Josh [11:30 AM]: um_

_Josh [11:30 AM]: i fucked it up_

_Pete [11:31 AM]: what did u do??? u wanna catch deez hands?????????_

_Hayley [11:31 AM]: can you stop fucking saying that_

_Pete [11:31 AM]: no :/ what a bully patrick ik ur taking a nap right now but tell her to stop bullying me plz_

_Jenna [11:32 AM]: You guys text waaaaay too much. But what happened, Josh?_

_Josh: [11:32 AM]: i sorta told tyler that I know????? idk I think I freaked him out, maybe it should only be one of us who tells him_

_Pete [11:33 AM]: damn…. u REALLY wanna catch deez hands… u FUCKED IT UP JOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what happened to the PLAN????????????????????_

_Hayley [11:33 AM]: like do you honestly sit there and type out each question mark_

_Pete [11:34 AM]: yes hater_

_Jenna [11:35 AM]: OK. You talk to Ty, and Hales and I will talk to Maddy afterschool._

_Pete [11:35 AM]: *pair of eyes emoji x 10* ok gettttt ittttt i see u jenna!!!_

_Hayley [11:36 AM]: YOU obviously want to catch these hands_

Josh tears his face away from his phone when the bell rings, signaling the end of class. And as everyone packs up to leave (And as Hayley pushes Pete into one of the desks before running out of the classroom, and as Patrick wakes up from his nap), Jenna and Josh share a worried glance. Josh almost wants to take back his statement about not wanting Jenna there, only because he’s sure that it would be easier to explain how Josh ended up hearing… well, what he heard.

But then Jenna leaves the classroom, and it’s just Josh and Tyler alone.

“I don’t wanna go up to Music Lab… hold on, just follow me…” Tyler mutters, walking out of the room. And Josh follows him, because well… why not?

And that’s how Josh ends up on the roof of the school- it reminds him of High School Musical, when Troy brought Gabriella up to the rooftop garden… minus the rooftop garden. Also, when he thinks about High School Musical, he gets heated about Drew Seeley, so he pushes that thought out of his mind, and he says “Why are we on the roof of the school? Not that… y’know…” He trails off, because he doesn’t know what to say.

“The basketball team usually throws pee balloons down on the freshmen from the roof. I mean…. I don’t, y’know, that’s kinda gross and unsanitary, like-“ Tyler begins to say, before Josh frowns. Tyler sighs. “I brought you up here mostly because I didn’t want to even run into Mark on the way up to the Music Lab. Fucking Mark...”

Tyler sits on the edge of the roof, and Josh immediately reaches to pull Tyler off, but Tyler waves him off “Here, just swing your legs over the edge. You’re not gonna fall off.”

“What did Mark do? Why…” Josh says, following Tyler’s lead. He just sits on the edge of the fucking school like it’s nothing, and he swings his legs over. He rests his hand over Tyler’s, and Tyler smiles a little at it, before he says with a distant look on his face.

“On Monday… Mark and I got into an argument after gym. I didn’t even tell you because it was really small. I mean, I guess not, right?” He tries to joke, but Josh doesn’t take the bait. “Anyways… Mark just spewing bullshit like ‘you’re a fag’, and ‘everyone thinks you’re gay’, and I kinda snapped, and I said something stupid, like ‘I don’t care’

“And I thought that was it… because I didn’t think it was a big deal, the guys joke with each other all the time, and you’d think that…. I don’t know. But that was confirmation enough that I was gay, and so Mark spread that around, that I’m gay, which I wouldn’t… okay, I’d mind, and I’d mind because my parents are PTA parents. So, you know… they heard the news. And they thought I had cleared that rumor about being gay ages ago, and I took Jenna to the dance, and I tried to explain that to my parents, because I’m not ready to come out to them…”

Tyler gulps, and Josh’s grip on his hand tightens a little as he listens on. “I’m not ready to come out to them, and I wasn’t planning on it, like…. I don’t know. I knew that they weren’t going to take it well. So… yesterday. That’s where you come in…. I guess.”

“Yeah,” Josh says “I wanted Jenna to drop the flash drive  with the song on it, but then all of us ended up coming because your house is on the way. And then she heard the glass shattering-“

“When my mom got off the phone with one of the PTA moms…” Tyler trails off- he’s not looking at Josh, he’s staring out to the sky with a glassy expression on his face, almost like he’s experiencing it all over it.

“And then Jenna lead us all into the backyard, because we didn’t know what was happening… and fuck, we heard everything… Tyler…” Josh chokes, gripping Tyler’s hand impossibly tighter. “I thought you fucking died or something, I thought that they threw the glass at your head, and you died, but we went anyways, and then we heard when your Dad was kicking you, but then it got too much, and we heard footsteps, and we didn’t… we didn’t know what to do, you know?”

“I know,” Tyler says soothingly, which is… Josh is supposed to help Tyler, not the other way. But now it seems like Josh is falling apart at the seams.

“And… and we wanted to call the cops, but then we didn’t, because we wanted you to know about it, but the whole time, I was just so fucking scared for you? I thought you were gonna…”

“I was thinking about it.” Tyler frowns- on one hand, it’s great that Tyler can be so open about these things with Josh. On the other hand, it definitely breaks Josh’s heart.

“But then… alright, this is lame. But that verse…” Tyler smiles, just a little “I don’t know. I mean it was a number of things… I don’t wanna leave my siblings with my parents, alone… and what if I didn’t succeed and my parents would just torture me even more knowing that I tried to leave them and tried to ‘frame them’ for being bad parents… but your fucking verse. I just thought about you, and then I didn’t wanna slice up my neck so badly anymore…” He says, before he tries to light-heartedly add “Was that too gay?”

“Shut up, oh my God,” Josh says, genuinely smiling “I’m just glad you’re alive, okay? And it’s not just because I like you! It’s cause you’re a good person who doesn’t deserve this. So we’re gonna get you some help.”

“Get me help?” Tyler asks, still smiling a little, even though he looks a little confused, and Josh nods “Well, yeah, when we tell the nurse about the bruises-“

In a second, Tyler’s smile turns into a frown “No.”

Somewhere in the back of Josh’s mind, he was expecting this to happen. But he didn’t anticipate how much it would sting, like a slap in the face. “No?”

“Nooooo, no, we can’t do that…” Tyler says, and then Josh blinks at him, slowly “But… why not?”

“Are you crazy? We can’t do that!” Tyler says, not necessarily answering Josh’s question. “My parents would kill me if they found out I was showing someone…. And then they could call…” He bites on his bottom lip and takes a deep breath in, and out.

“But if they call, then they’ll investigate your parents! And then you and siblings will be safe!” Josh tries to explain, but Tyler shakes his head “It won’t be that easy, won’t they need evi-“ “They don’t need evidence! All they need is suspicion- if you just tell one of the nurses about what happened, they can’t just ignore that!”

“No, but my parents will know about the investigation, and they’ll… they know how to act, Josh! If they didn’t know how to act we wouldn’t be in this situation, and once the investigation is over, then… fuck, I don’t even wanna know what would happen if they found out that I called.” Tyler sounds terrified, and he screws his eyes shut “Josh, we can’t do that. I’ll figure something out.”

“But it’s worth a chance, Tyler! You said it yourself, you said that you didn’t wanna leave your siblings with your parents, so if we-“ “Then what? My siblings end up with some foster parents? Or with some of my relatives who are also uber religious?”

“I’m sure your relatives don’t share the same ‘abuse your kids’ mentality as your parents do!” Josh blurts, and Tyler’s eyes snap open at that. “Josh! I don’t wanna talk about this anymore…”

“Can you at least think about it for a little while? For me?” Josh asks, pathetically, and Tyler bites the inside of his cheek before he says hesitantly “I guess…”

“Just… think about it. You don’t have to say yes, but just think about it. Because I care about you and your family too, and I think… _personally_ , that if you get this checked out, and it works, it could do a lot more good than damage-“ “And if it doesn’t work?” Tyler asks, and Josh doesn’t have an answer for him, so he just shrugs.

“We’ll deal with it together?” He offers, weakly. And Tyler gives him a small smile, although there’s no real happiness behind it. “Yeah…”

Their only source of hope left (for now) is Tyler’s siblings- so Josh prays that Jenna and Hayley get through to Maddy.

For the rest of the period, Tyler and Josh stay on the roof. They don’t really talk about much anymore, but Josh’s hand remains on top of Tyler’s, and they look over the football field and the basketball courts and the blue sky. It feels really lonely, though. Like Tyler’s mind is somewhere else… but Josh doesn’t blame him for it, so he just holds his hand a little tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, writing at 1:30AM, while listening to HSM: damn..... what if i made tyler and josh talk about tyler's issues... on the ROOF OF THE BUILDING!!! ur so smart uma omg!!!! 
> 
> so like setting a goal for myself totally worked??? maybe i should do this more often... but also i love procrastination and death so who knows!
> 
> also 900 KUDOS.. guys that's 100 away from 1000... WHICH IS INSANE???????????? I AM A HORRIBLE WRITER!! WHAT'S CHARACTERIZATION? TYLER HAS NO PERSONALITY? WHANJSDKSADKADJAKJD but im so thankful skfkdjdksfndg oh my god thank you so much!!!!!!!! <333 x a million?!?!? im sorry im draggin out the joshler kiss... it will happen. eventually.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn when it takes you 2 weeks to write a chapter and it's just a dumb filler RIP  
> please suspend ur disbelief for this chapter... also dont ride a bicycle without a helmet...

‘Final Assignments due: **_TOMORROW’_**

Jenna stares up at the large writing on the white board in the Music Theory classroom with a frown. It’s not that she doesn’t wanna totally showcase all of her emotions in front of all of her peers but… okay, _she doesn’t wanna totally showcase all of her emotions in front of all of her peers._

She figures that she probably shouldn’t have written lyrics about Hayley if she wasn’t ready to present it to the entire class, and have everyone know, but it’s way too late to back out now. _No one is gonna know it’s about her_ , she tells herself, but also, how could they not? Who’s it gonna be about? Tyler? Tyler wouldn’t be ‘the only exception’; Tyler’s the most probable person.

On one hand she wants to tell the whole fucking world that she’s dating Hayley; Hayley’s just so sweet and understanding and Jenna can actually talk to her; something that she can barely do with anyone else. Something that she’s not even accustomed to, because she talks to Tyler, yeah, but she actually communicates with Hayley in a way that she’s never communicated to anyone else before. 

But on the other hand, if Jenna gets upset by the fact that people don’t like her because of the one stripe of blue hair, what’s she going to do when the whole school finds out that she’s dating a girl? Like it totally doesn’t matter what everyone says about her to her face, because she can play brave... but people talking behind her back when she can’t even defend herself? She doesn’t really like the sound of that. And the way that people talk about Tyler at the church is outright wrong, and that’s just based on _speculation_.

She sort of imagines herself singing with the church choir and then people randomly starting to jump up and start throwing, like, tomatoes at her and screaming that she’s a sinner. And just as she begins to wonder whether or not her parents would kick her out of the house or actually murder her on the spot, the bell rings, and school’s out.

And now that Josh had sort of failed to convince Tyler to show someone his injuries, it was pretty much up to Jenna to convince Maddy to take a video, or take pictures of the bruises, or do _something_. It wasn’t necessarily a matter of what Tyler wanted anymore, because Jenna didn’t want to sit back and watch her best friend struggle and not do anything- if that meant sneaking out to talk to his little sister, then so be it.

“Ready to go?” Hayley, who was waiting for her outside of the room, asks once Jenna steps out of the classroom, and Jenna nods. “It’ll probably only take, like, 20 minutes? I mean I’ll be late for practice, but…” she trails off, and Hayley inhales deeply, nodding as she exhales “Yeah.”

And then the two of them start to walk away, until they hear “Jen? Where are you going?”

Tyler has his hands shoved in his pockets, and he looks at them curiously- Hayley hasn’t actually looked at him properly since yesterday, but she winces just at the way that he can stand and walk like nothing happened, like what Hayley saw with her own two eyes wasn't even real. “Jenna and I are, um,” Hayley blanks, and Jenna quickly says in the absence “Gonna go get some yogurt!”

“Yogurt?” Tyler asks, and he gives Jenna a weird look. Josh passes by the 3 of them, with his headphones in, and Tyler looks away from Jenna’s blue eyes momentarily to look over to Josh and his blue hair walking away. Jenna sort of wants to give a hug and never let go.

“Yeah, we’re getting yogurt. Y’know, long day, and we’re like… hungry… and whatnot…” Hayley says, before she winces again- she knows that she and Jenna weren't really getting yogurt, but the thought of Tyler most definitely being a lot hungrier than her and not even getting to leave to go get food in the first place makes her heart ache a lot.

“Do you want us to pick some up for you?” She asks before she can stop herself, and Tyler’s eyes practically sparkle with happiness.

“I mean, that’d be cool…” He trails off, trying not to sound too eager.

“We’ll get it for you!” Jenna says, before she grabs Hayley’s hand “Um, we’ll see you later!” She says to him, before she grabs Hayley's hand and starts running, practically dragging Hayley down a flight of stairs.

She says as they run, “Okay, okay, new plan. We hijack Shane and Mark’s bikes, and take those and then we ride over to the middle school, talk to Maddy real quick, then we ride over to the supermarket, pick up some yogurt, and come back! We can’t not give him the fucking yogurt, he’s probably starving!” Jenna stops to take a huge breath and Hayley replies “How about a plan where we, like, don’t get arrested?! Why don’t I get the yogurt, and you talk to Maddy?”

“We won’t get arrested! And they’re probably already at practice, they won’t notice… we’re just borrowing!” and then she pauses for a quick moment before adding "Plus, I like having you with me, you stop me from saying stupid shit I know I'll regret."

They’re on the first floor now, and they’re still holding hands, although they’re not necessarily running as much as they are speed-walking. Hayley looks very flustered, and she barely gets the time to brush her hair out of her face by the time that Jenna swings the ramp door open and pulls Hayley with her to bike racks.

“As flattering as that was, isn’t stealing, like, against the Ten Commandments?” Hayley asks, and Jenna pauses for a second, thinking it over, before she says “Okay, but we’re stealing for a good cause—and we’re not stealing! Borrowing, babe, _borrowing_.”

And okay, Hayley can’t really argue with her there. “Okay, fine, we’ll borrow their bikes- we don’t even know which…” She trails off, when Jenna points to two bicycles that are side by side, and are painted the school’s colors. “Definitely theirs, I know which bike slots belong to who, and besides-- no one has more school spirit than them. I mean, _really,_ they went as far as _painting it..._ ”

Hayley leans down next to the lock on the bike, and it’s the kind of lock that requires a word, so she frowns. “Shit, there are so many 4 lettered words in the English dictionary, how are we gonna figure it out?” She asks, but Jenna just shakes her head “I don’t really trust those two idiots to choose something wise and secretive, try ‘boob’.”

Jenna does a cross on her chest before she tries to open the lock, and she closes her eyes on the last ‘b’- but it actually works. Jenna’s eyes snap open, and she gasps “Wait, that worked?!”

So, Hayley does the same thing with her lock. And Hayley really has no faith in straight men; the lock clicks so that it unlocks. Jenna laughs in disbelief, and she looks over to Hayley with a shocked expression. “This is literally a sign from Jesus- I’m not kidding!” Jenna says, before she jumps onto the seat, and kicks the brake up. She steadies herself by planting her feet on the ground as Hayley follows her lead. “I actually believe you, I can’t believe that happened?”

The two of them glance at each other, bookbag straps on their shoulders, and their hands gripping the handlebars. And then they both burst into laughter at their luck.

“Alright, just follow me,” Jenna says, once they calm down a little, “My dad takes me driving in the parking lots, and we usually use the back roads since he doesn’t want me messing up the car by crashing it.” Jenna says, and Hayley nods, tying up her hair so it doesn’t get caught up in her face.

“You need a hair tie?” She asks, and Jenna nods “Actually, yeah!”

It’s one of those moments that Hayley feels like she’ll remember forever, even though it’s so small. They’re stealing (or _borrowing_ ) Shane and Mark’s bicycles, and it sounds so ridiculous, but they _are_. She pulls one of her hair ties off of her wrists, and their fingers touch for a quick second, and just the way that she can see Jenna’s blue eyes sparkle as she ties her hair out of her face feels so magical.

“Ready?” Jenna asks, and Hayley nods. And then they start pedaling _fast_. Hayley follows Jenna, since she’s not as familiar with the back roads, and it feels vaguely life threatening, since neither of them are wearing a helmet, but it’s exhilarating. Even when Hayley almost gets hit by a car.

“If I die, can you bury me with my Florence CD?” Hayley yells after she regains her breath, and Jenna calls out behind her shoulder “Not funny!”

Since, again, the middle school isn’t even that far away from the high school to begin with, it only takes them another 2 minutes to reach the parking lot- they lock the bikes back up against the fence, and Jenna reaches her hand out to hold Hayley’s again “So, today is Thursday, right?”

Hayley takes Jenna’s hand, and they walk towards the ramp doors together. “Yeah?”

“So, Maddy has, um… Mathletes today? I spend, er, a lot of time at Tyler’s house, so I kinda picked up on y'know...” Jenna says, and then she bites on her lower lip before she mutters “I still can’t believe I never noticed anything. Isn’t that kind of fucked up? That I go there all of the time and I see them all of the time, and I never noticed a thing?”

“Hey, hey, don’t blame yourself,” Hayley begins to say, squeezing Jenna’s hand a little tighter “It’s not your fault you didn’t notice- a lot of this stuff is hard to detect if you’re not, like, looking for it, you know? And either way, we’re fixing it, right? Hopefully?”

Jenna looks over and she shrugs pathetically- their chances aren’t looking so good. If this Maddy plan doesn’t work well, chances are Zack won’t agree to it either, and then they’ll _really_ be back at square one.

“Yeah, hopefully. By the way, do you have any cash for the-“ She pauses in the middle of her sentence when a security guard stops the two of them.

“What do you two need?” The security guard asks the both of them, eyeing them suspiciously- Hayley silently prays to Florence Welch that no one called the cops about missing bikes.

“We, uh, just need to get into the school!” Jenna squeaks, and Hayley nods quickly next to her, "It's, um, really, _really_ important!"

“Do you… go here?” The security guard asks, slowly, but before Jenna can reply, Hayley says a little loudly, thanks to nerves and her bad acting, “Yeah! I’m, er, I’m an 8th grader... and I have to find my friend because I forgot my, um… my notebook in her locker!”

And if Jenna had used that excuse, it wouldn’t have worked, mostly because Jenna looks like a high schooler. But Hayley actually _looks_ like she’s an 8 th grader, considering she’s only 5’2, and she’s sort of slumping over, so the security guard just sighs, and opens the door for them. “Good luck.” The security guard says, and Hayley quickly scurries into the school, still holding Jenna’s hand “Holy shit, do I really look like I’m in the 8th grade?! They totally bought that!”

“I mean… you’re, like, a foot shorter than me, so…” Jenna says jokingly, with a grin, and Hayley narrows her eyes and hits her playfully on the arm with her free hand “Shut up! I don’t… okay, I do look like I’m 13, nevermind. We’re never mentioning this again!”

It feels a little weird for Jenna to be walking down these halls- the last time Jenna really walked around in the middle school, she had a boyfriend and she was probably making fun of Pete and Patrick, and _actually_ , if she’s really thinking about it, she was probably also making fun of Hayley too. It’s kinda weird how much could change in 3 years- she didn’t suspect anything about Tyler, in fact she actually _liked_ Tyler back then, boyfriend and all, and now she’s _holding hands_   _with_ and _dating_ Hayley.

She wonders what Jenna from 4 years ago would say about the fact that she wrote a whole love song about a girl.

“Are you okay?” Hayley asks, and Jenna smiles at her a little uncertainly- the thought of what her past self would think about this whole situation scares Jenna a little more than any thought any one of her peers would have if they found out. Jenna only now realizes how… disgusted and disappointed her younger self would be about the thought that Jenna genuinely really likes Hayley.

“Yeah, thinking… I don’t know, being here is reminding me of how shitty I used to be.” Jenna admits, and Hayley snorts a little “Yeah, same. I used to listen to Eminem in the 7th grade. Puke.”

“Not like that… Like, I don’t know. I was so shitty, and homophobic, and stupid,” Jenna sighs, and Hayley shrugs a little “At least you can admit to it, you know? You, like, acknowledge the things you used to say and think were wrong. That’s more than a lot of people can admit to.”

Jenna doesn’t feel much better about it though- it’s just that she used to be everything that she’s afraid of now. She used to be the person that made fun of everyone for not being perfect, for not being what ‘the church’ deemed as appropriate, and now she’s part of that past self-proclaimed imperfect crowd and it sucks, thinking about disappointing not only her the church and her parents, but now _herself._

But... this trip isn't about her, it’s about Maddy and Tyler and all of the Joseph siblings. So she wills herself to stop thinking about her own problems so much. “Yeah, I guess that’s true. Anyways, let’s check the math department!”

Luck seems to be on their side, because when they get to the math department, and Jenna asks for Maddy, she’s actually _there_. It takes a few seconds, but then Maddy’s at the door, staring at Jenna and Hayley with confusion in her eyes. “Um, hey Jenna...?”

“Hi! Can we, um, talk somewhere a little private?” Jenna asks, and suddenly it feels like her heart is going to burst out of her chest- she’s really nervous and afraid of what will happen. Maybe Maddy will listen to them, but she can equally see Maddy freaking out and running away.

“Yeah, sure…” Maddy smiles nervously, before she glances over to Hayley “Who’s this?”. She looks down at their intertwined fingers, but she doesn’t say anything about it.

“She’s my, um,” Jenna blanches. Hayley swoops in before it gets too weird, “Friend! I’m her friend, I’m Hayley. I was with Jenna on Sunday, I don’t know if you-“ “Oh, yeah!”

Hayley glances over to Jenna, a silent ‘ _Don’t worry about it- let’s just tell her now and get it over with’_ , and Jenna blurts “We need to talk to you about Tyler!”. Her eyes widen and Hayley squeezes her hand in an attempt to calm her down a little.

Maddy’s polite smile drops in an instant, and her eyes practically darken when she tries to say, calmly, “What happened to Tyler?”; she sounds a little hysterical, though.

“You know what happened to Tyler,” Hayley says, and it sounds extremely cryptic so she adds with a wince “I mean, _we_ know what happened yesterday with Tyler, and we know that you know, and we, um…” Jenna chimes in with a “We just want to help.”

“Wait, how do you know what…” She lowers her voice a little, and she moves in a little closer to Jenna and Hayley, “what happened yesterday? Did Tyler tell you?” 

She looks a little hopeful, like she wants Tyler to tell people about it. _That's a good sign_ , Jenna thinks.

“Well… no, but we know what happened. And we want to help you.” Jenna says. But Maddy shakes her head a little “No, I don’t think so. You don’t know what they were arguing about, I don’t think you would-“

“What, the gay thing?” Jenna asks, and Maddy’s eyes widen like she can’t believe Jenna would even dare say the word ‘gay’.

“Well, yeah… You don’t care about Tyler being gay?” Maddy asks, and Jenna shakes her head “I don’t care about Tyler being gay.”

She squeezes Hayley’s hand a little, and Hayley turns to look at Jenna. She furrows her eyebrows a little, a ‘ _Are you really going to tell her_?’ and Jenna responds to that by turning to Maddy and saying, strangely confident, “Hayley and I are dating-“

“Wait, you guys are dating?” Maddy asks, visibly stunned, and she glances back down at Jenna and Hayley’s hands.

“We’re dating.” Jenna says. It feels sort of monumental to say in this stupid fucking middle school. There’s so many negative feelings here, but suddenly Jenna doesn’t care about what her younger self would say about this, because her younger self was a piece of shit and didn’t know any better.

“I’m gay. Well, I’m not entirely gay, but I’m not straight either. And I know for a fact that Tyler isn’t straight either, and I don’t care about that, because he’s still Tyler, y’know?” Jenna asks, and Maddy gulps. “Yeah,”

“So, no, I don’t care about the fact that Tyler is gay, and either way, it's not a matter of Tyler being gay or not, because we just wanna help you guys... no one deserves to go through what you guys are. But… Tyler doesn’t wanna listen to us and try to get help. He doesn’t wanna listen to _Josh_ , which… no one of us can convince him if Josh can’t…” Jenna trails off, but Maddy seems to get the gist of it. “So, what do you want me to do? Try to convince him?”

“Essentially. I mean, you’re his sister, you know? Or, take pictures, or something. If Tyler won’t report it, someone has to.” Hayley says, and then she sighs a little “And none of us can report it, only, like, school personnel or a doctor can. But if you convince him then maybe it can work. Or if you take pictures of the bruises, you can tell someone.” Hayley runs her fingers through her hair- nervous tick.

But Maddy shrinks back a little “But what if Tyler says no? I wanna tell someone about what’s happening, I know it’s not right, but if Tyler doesn’t want to tell anyone-“ “Then _you_ should. Or Zack should. Tyler… Tyler will be okay, but Tyler won’t be okay if something like that happens again. Especially now that your parents know about Tyler being gay.” Jenna says.

“So… don’t listen to Tyler? If he says no?” Maddy glances between Hayley and Jenna with uncertainty.

“…Well, do what you feel in your heart you should do.” Hayley says softly. “Not to, like, guilt trip you, but if you feel like this unfair and wrong abuse should continue, then don’t do anything. We’ll all continue to try to convince Tyler, but like… Josh couldn’t, and-“

“Is Josh his boyfriend, or something?”

Maddy doesn’t look repulsed or mad, she just looks genuinely curious, which is a good thing. It’s refreshing to know that at least one of his siblings don't hate Tyler for being gay, even if it’s still something new that they’re not accustomed to.

“No, they’re not dating. I mean, I don’t know,” Hayley says, and she glances over to Jenna. They share a knowing glance, and Hayley adds “They _act_ like boyfriends, but they’re not _actually_ dating. They’re super close, so the fact that-“ Maddy interrupts her by saying “that Josh couldn’t convince him means that Zack and I have to… okay, I think we can do that…”

“Wait, really?” Jenna asks, and she breaks out into a grin “Oh my Gosh, yes!”

“I’ll try my best, anyways,” Maddy says, and she pulls a stray strand of hair behind her ear “Um. Thanks for, like, looking out for us. I really appreciate it.” She says sincerely, and before Jenna knows it, Maddy’s hugging her. Her arms wrap tightly around Jenna’s torso, but before Jenna can react and hug her back, she’s pulling away.

“I have to get back to Mathletes but… I’ll try, okay?” Maddy says, and then she waves to Hayley, and then she’s on her way back to the Math Department. Hayley and Jenna watch her go with shocked expressions, and when she steps into the room, they glance at each other.

“Well… that was easier than I expected…” Hayley says, and Jenna shrugs. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“And I know it must have been hard,” They start walking back to the ramp doors, since they still have a ways to go (like getting _yogurt_ ) before they can truly relax. “Y’know, telling her that you’re not straight.”

It was- but in a way, it gave her a lot of courage. It was one thing telling Tyler, because Tyler was gay too, and Jenna didn’t care about Hayley’s friend knowing, because Hayley’s friends are gay ( _wow_ , she thinks briefly, _all of my friends are gay_ ), but it was another telling someone that was straight- it was another thing telling someone who didn’t understand, and they didn’t even react badly!

She knows that not everyone will react like how Maddy did, and maybe a lot of them will react in a way that her past self would… but it’s okay, because she has her friends to back her up, and support her, and that’s what really matters.

"It was," Jenna admits, before she stops Hayley so that she could kiss her. It's something short and sweet, and Hayley smiles softly when Jenna pulls away, "but it was totally worth it."

* * *

After Tyler got his yogurt (it was really good- he’s not sure why it took them 30 minutes to get, but he definitely didn’t complain), and after Tyler had basketball practice (Mark and Shane glared at him the entire time, but that was to be expected), and after Tyler had done his 500 baskets (since his parents definitely weren’t letting him get off with 200 anymore, not after yesterday), and after Tyler had eaten some toast (he didn’t trust himself to eat more, because he knew he was going to probably puke it anyways), he sat down to do his homework.

It was nearing 11pm, since he had to take a shower and whatnot, but he was feeling, oddly enough, full of energy. Tomorrow he would present his project with Josh, and then on Saturday, he would play in the championship game, and then they only had a couple of days more until school was out! The championship would pretty much make or break his scholarship, and Tyler should have been more nervous about it, but he felt _good_ about it. He was ready to win the game and he was ready to get that fucking scholarship and show his parents that their fucked up gay kid was good at something.

He bites down on his tongue, and he hears Josh’s voice in his head, soothing and sweet “ _You’re not fucked up- you’re perfect.”._ He closes his eyes for a minute, and then he opens them back, before going back to his homework.

“How can you sit there and act like nothing happened?” Zack asks, from the other side of the room. Tyler lifts his head up, since he’s sitting at the desk, and he sighs “I don’t know- it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Mom slipped me some Advil when Dad wasn’t looking.”

“Mother of the fucking year.” Zack spits out, and Tyler sighs, although he knows where Zack is coming from “They didn’t mean to do it, it was just a spur of the moment thing, and she feels bad, and-“

“Who told you that?” Zack asks, and Tyler sighs again. 

“Exactly,” Zack says, since Tyler didn’t say that ‘Blurryface’ said anything- the last thing Tyler needs is his brother knowing and worrying about _it_. “because it’s bullshit. They feel bad, but then they’re gonna do it again!”

Tyler doesn’t reply. He just gives Zack a tired look, and then he returns to his homework. Well, he _tries_ to get back to his homework, because before his pencil even hits the page, Maddy barges into the room.

“We need to talk about Mom and Dad.” She declares as climbs onto Tyler’s bed, and she clears her throat “‘ _We_ ’ meaning you too, Tyler.”

“I’m not talking about Mom and Dad. I’m going to do my homework, and-“ Tyler begins to say, but Maddy huffs and crosses her arms “Tyler! We’re having a sibling meeting! Minus Jay, cause he’s sleeping… duh.”

Tyler swirls around in the chair, and Maddy sucks in a deep breath when she sees the bruises- Tyler’s not wearing a shirt, because just the brush of fabric on the bruise hurts, but now he regrets it.

“We’re talking about Mom and Dad because we have to report that!” Maddy points an accusatory finger to the bruise on Tyler’s stomach. It’s all black and blue, and it covers his entire abdomen; it looks fucking horrible. 

“What?! No!” Tyler yells, and the 3 of them glance at the door, almost like they expect their parents to come rushing in. But they don’t, so after a moment, Tyler says in a softer voice “No way.”

“I agree with Maddy. We should report it to someone-“ “School personnel!”

And that wording, that ‘school personnel’ sounds so familiar, so Tyler narrows his eyes a little. "Where did you hear that from?”

And Maddy looks like a deer caught in headlights, but she gulps and says reluctantly “I heard it from Jenna and her, um, girlfriend.”

“Jenna Black? Yo, what the fuck, Jenna’s gay?” Zack asks, before he glances over at Tyler and says, quickly, “Not that being gay is bad! I just… Jenna, man. Were you guys each other's beards, or...?”

Tyler brings a hand to his forehead and he groans. “What did they tell you?”

“What do you think, Ty? They said that we should report it, because abuse is wrong! And you don’t deserve to be abused, and we don’t deserve to be abused either… and they said to report it without your permission if you disagree which… I want you to know if we do it. But Tyler, come on! Shouldn’t we be safe?”

“Safe? Safe in some random people’s houses? Let’s just say that by some miracle, CPS actually takes Mom and Dad- you guys are going to be separated! I don’t want you guys all over the fucking state!” Tyler states, a little hysterical.

“You’d rather us be abused?” Zack asks, and Tyler shrugs “At least we’d be together, and if I get that scholarship, you guys would be together, instead of alone.”

Maddy and Zack glance at each other- it sounds oddly selfish, and crazy, but it sort of makes sense. _Sort of._  Of course they don't know, but 'Blurryface' came up with it.

“But… they wouldn’t separate us! What’s the worst that could happen, we have to switch schools and live with Grandma? And you’d be apart from _Josh_?” Maddy asks, and Tyler jerks back at the mention of Josh’s name, and he immediately begins to blush.

“Josh? What, is he your boyfriend?” Zack asks, and Tyler shakes his head. “No! He’s not… he’s not my boyfriend.” He shrinks back a little, “And you don’t know what they would do- and besides, Mom and Dad wouldn’t… they can’t just separate us like that, so easily. What happens when Mom and Dad find out what we did?”

“Then we’ll fucking deal with it- if we don’t live under their roof they can’t do anything to us, and that’s a fact. I don’t care about switching schools and living with Grandma-“ “It doesn’t work like that!” “and even if Grandma cared about your sexuality, there will be people monitoring so it’s not like anyone can even hurt you. All I know? I don’t want them hurting you, or me, or Maddy, or Jay, the way that they hurt you yesterday.” Zack says, before clenches his jaw a bit.

“Me… me neither, but-“ Tyler tries to say, but then Maddy pipes up “But what? Tyler… it’ll be okay.”

His head is swimming with thoughts- maybe things will work out if he reports it. Maybe his parents will get investigated and he’ll get to move with his Grandma on the other side of town, and maybe he’ll have to switch schools, but things will be fine. But ‘Blurryface’ clouds his judgment, and _no_ , nothing will work out, and he’ll be away from his siblings, and his parents will find out, and God will be even more upset with Tyler, because not only does Tyler have the devil in his head, and not only is Tyler gay, but now Tyler defied his own parents.

“Can we just… can we just wait till Saturday to make a decision? I’m… I’m, like, tired and I don’t know, I just feel like this is going to end horribly-“ “But why?”

“Because I fuck things up!” Tyler snaps “That’s what I fucking do! Because nothing works out for me! Knowing my fucking luck, Mom and Dad will know, and they’ll punish us for it even more, and I don’t want that for you guys, I don’t want to get this fucking scholarship and leave you guys alone with them when they know that we tried to call CPS on them. Okay?”

Zack opens his mouth to argue with Tyler, to tell him that he’s thinking about the absolute worst case scenario, but Maddy holds her hand up to stop him, and she looks over to Tyler “Fine- we’ll make a decision on Saturday. But I think you should listen to the advice that both of your siblings, your friends, _and Josh_ are giving you. Just a thought.”

“ _And_ _Josh_!” Zack adds, for emphasis, and Tyler buries his head in his hands, and he groans loudly “Guys!”

After that, Maddy leaves to go to her room, and Zack calls it a night, so he shuts off his lamp and goes to bed, and then it’s just Tyler and his thoughts (and his homework). Maybe Tyler should take all of the advice that his friends ( _and Josh_ , he adds in his head. Because Josh is different. Josh isn’t his boyfriend but… Josh is _Josh_.) are giving him. ‘Blurryface’ talks a big deal about Tyler being a coward- maybe not doing anything about the abuse and giving into it would be cowardly… but way the ‘Blurryface’ manipulates it in his head, makes him think that it’s his fault, makes him believe the absolute worst will happen, is a little too much.

Either way- he has until Saturday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!!! so, first things first (me: has 2 resist the urge to type 'im the realest') IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER DKFJDKFJKDFDDF it's just a filler and it shouldnt have taken so long but like. i wanna write the exciting stuff now!! and i got really impatient and whatnot. but now im all hyped up to write the friday chapter, so maybe i'll update before friday! i hope!
> 
> secondly: dfsfjskfkfdskfsddsfnMNKDJFKDFJKD 1000 KUDOS?!?!??!?!?!?! i cried about it like 3 times. and okay, 2 out 3 times i cried about it was because i felt like i didnt deserve it and i felt almost like. someone else wrote this story? because i'm not good at anything so how could /I/ write something so?? good??? and idk i just felt really bad about it and i felt like i was the worst person on earth which??? makes??? no sense??? but then it's like NO, i deserved that!!!! and idk, it just feels amazing to know that 1000+ people like and enjoy this fic, and just thank you so much for all of the comments and kudos and bookmarks. it sounds kinda weird and dumb that a JOSHLER fanfic could give me a sliver of self confidence but!!! yes!!!! i feel GOOD about this! and that's because of you guys so like. thank you so much :')))))) it means so sosoosos much to me <333


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when in doubt, make gerard way a teacher in ur fic.

“I don’t feel so good,” Tyler says, and he slides down in his seat a little. “Do you think if I puked on Mr. Way, we wouldn’t have to present our project?”

It’s not that their song is bad- Tyler actually really likes their song, his singing aside. But the whole ‘showcasing your emotions’ thing wasn’t something he thought through (much like Jenna). He wonders how he’s going to play off _‘You twice about your life, it probably happens at night, right?”_ and then he tries to come up with another explanation, but honestly… the message is sort of right there.

“Probably not… he’d just have us present it on Monday.” Josh sighs, and he glances over at Tyler in the next seat. He sort of pushes away the urge to slide down in his seat too, just to be closer to Tyler, but the way that Tyler looks up at Josh is so adorable that Josh doesn’t bother.

“ _Everyone will know that you’re a freak now_ ,” ‘Blurryface’ say`s, and then adds “ _not that everyone didn’t already think that._ ”

“I know that this is kinda… _dumb_ , but now I wish I hadn’t written such, er, personal lyrics. Not that I regret it! Duh, I like writing about you, because you’re you, and…” Tyler blushes a little, and Josh tries to hide his knowing grin with a yawn. “Uh huh?”

“Yeah… but I don’t know. Maybe Mr. Way will send me down to the guidance counselor with my sheet of lyrics and ask if I can be evaluated, or something.” Tyler says, with a grimace.

It’s not that he doesn’t think that therapy would work but…

He doesn’t think that therapy would work.

“Well, maybe that’s not such a bad thing?” Josh begins to say, and Tyler gives him a _look_.

“I mean, Pete goes! He says it’s not so bad, and I mean, okay, Pete likes to babble a lot. And he trusts people really easily, but I mean, you could at least try it out? Or maybe while you’re at it,  you could tell her about the bruise-“

Tyler pushes himself back up into his seat until he’s back to eye-level with Josh. And Josh almost expects Tyler to curse him out again and storm out, but now he just looks tired.

“I don’t know. Maddy said that Jenna and Hayley talked to her yesterday, and she kept telling me that I _had_ to tell someone, and I _had_ to do this, and I _had_ to do that, and it’s like… fuck, there are so many consequences! What if they find out? What if they found out that I told someone, Josh?” Tyler asks, and his eyes widen by the end of his sentence. “They’d kill us! And they’d punish them even more, and I don’t want that! I don’t want that for Zack and Maddy and Jay, I don’t care if they hurt me, I probably deserve-“ “No, you don’t.”

Tyler blinks at Josh, and then he clears his throat awkwardly “Well, I mean-” “No, Tyler, you don’t deserve it.”

Tyler opens his mouth to say something else, but Josh narrows his eyes at him, and he snaps his mouth shut. “I don’t… I don’t get it. So you think that the abuse is wrong, but… you think that you deserve it?” Josh asks, bewildered, and Tyler shrugs.

“I don’t know. I mean, I am their fuck-up kid, right? Being gay and being an overall pussy and being suicidal a lot of the fucking time…” Tyler says, and he laughs a little before he continues, “And I mean, if I don’t wanna report it, I’d be even more of a pussy, wouldn’t I? Then I’d deserve it even more, because I wasn’t able to do anything to stop it. And up until, what, a week ago I thought my parents had good intentions, and part of me still thinks that, that I’m overreacting, and I’m just all over the fucking place, like, I don’t know what to… to fucking think or who to trust because none of it makes sense! The only thing that makes sense is ‘Blurryface’, because he’s there, always, it’s like… it’s like everything I want to believe, everything you say and everything Jenna says and everything my siblings says goes in one ear and out the other.

“But it’s not even like that, because I know, and I understand what you’re saying and it makes sense, it makes total sense, I’ll repeat that fucking verse that you inspired to myself a billion times, but what ‘Blurryface’ says makes sense too. It’s like “Tyler, you don’t deserve this abuse because no one deserves it!”, but then that fucking voice will counter that in an instant, and it’s “ _No, Tyler, you deserve it because you’re worthless, because the reason why you’re here is because of your parents and you’re disappointing them and you’re not supposed to disappoint your parents and yet here you are! You’re gay and that’s wrong and you deserve to be punished because everything you do is wrong_!”

“And then it’s like, no, being gay is who I am, and that’s a… a _good thing_ , and if Jen could embrace that part of herself, and still be religious, and still be a good, devout Christian then shouldn’t I? But then ‘Blurryface’, just when I fucking think I’m fine, will start and go “ _No, she’s straying from the path of God, and it’s wrong to be this way_ ” and then it’ll fuck things up again.

“And also- just… why would my parents do that to me? Lie and abuse me? Why would they do this to my siblings and just… fucking why would they do that? They’re my parents! And why would God do this to me, let this happen, unless I deserved it? It’s my… it’s my punishment for being this way, just like what ‘Blurryface’ said.

“And so, no, I shouldn’t report the bruises because it’s my punishment, and if I do report it, knowing like. God’s fucking plan for me, it’s gonna get messed up, and then my siblings will be roped into something even worse! I have it worse off than my siblings for a reason, it’s because I fucking deserve it,  my parents wouldn’t hurt them the way that they hurt me because unlike them, I deserved it. So if… if I report it, then they’re gonna get punished for no good reason, and if I get that scholarship and I’m out of here, then they have to deal with the result of something that was my fault.”

Tyler finishes his rant with an exhausted sigh, and then he says, quieter and soft “I didn’t mean to um… yeah…” and then he gives Josh an embarrassed and sheepish look.

Josh doesn’t really know how to respond to that. It’s like all of the words he could say to make Tyler feel better can’t form in his mind, and he just feels empty. Like Tyler’s rant took all of the energy out of the both of them.

The only really coherent thing in Josh’s mind, besides the lingering thought of “ _Holy fucking shit,_ ” is a memory.

All he can really remember is sitting on Pete’s bed, on one side of him, while Patrick was on his other side. It was a really long night, and Josh had only met them a couple of weeks ago when it had all happened- Patrick had called Josh after Pete called Patrick, barely conscious and bleeding on the bathroom floor. Now, Pete was fast asleep, and his wrists and arms were bandaged. And Patrick was calm(ish) at this point, although Josh still felt panicked. 

“ _I think… I think the hardest part about it,”_ Patrick says, before he sniffles _,“is that I try really hard to love it away, you know? I convince myself that if I love him hard enough, his mental illness will disappear. And it doesn’t work that way_.” He squeezes Pete’s hand a little harder and he wipes his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. “ _And that’s so… so hard to understand, because it’s so difficult to have to bandage them up and clean them up when all you do is shower them with love in hopes of curing it. Like, fuck, it feels like betrayal, you know? It’s like… it’s like you try, and you try, and then something happens and it feels like someone’s fucking stabbing you in the fucking heart. And it’s so hard to… I don’t know, understand that you have to continue loving them anyways, because you can’t love something like this away. You just have to keep loving them because that’s the most important part, even if you don’t get… I don’t know, if I can’t love away Pete’s bipolar disorder, then I can't just give up and call it a day, because I have to keep loving Pete anyways, and be there for him no matter what, and stay by his side even when it feels like he relapsed to… to spite me because I didn’t love him hard enough. Because that’s not the case, even though it feels like that, and it just… gets hard to grasp that concept sometimes.”_ He says, before he brushes some of Pete’s hair out of his face “ _Like, it sucks a lot, but you have to learn to accept the fact that you can't love away an illness. And you learn to accept that because you love that person more than you love anything, or anyone in the world, and you know that as much as it sucks for you, it sucks a lot more for that person_.” 

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to like… fuck, I fucked this all up, didn’t I?” Tyler asks, bringing Josh back to present day. He’s biting the inside of his cheek and looking over to Josh, again, probably waiting to hear something inspirational and amazing. But Josh doesn’t know what to say, or do, that can make it better. He sort of wishes he could freeze time, and google ‘what do you do when the guy that you really really really really like just ranted to you about some really deep shit and now you don’t know what to say or do to let them know how much they mean to you’, and then get back to Tyler. Why couldn’t he be gifted with Hayley and Patrick’s amazing ability to find exactly the right words to say at exactly the right moment?

“What? No! No, you didn’t fuck anything up, I promise, I’m just a little, er… I don’t know.” Josh admits, but then he says, before Tyler can get a word in, “I just feel like… like, I’ll be there for you, you know? Like whenever ‘Blurryface’ tries to tell you something, or whenever you’re at your absolute worst just know that I like… I like… I like _really_ care about you, you know? And even if it doesn’t help all of the time, I’ll continue to say it, always, that you don’t deserve any of it, and that you’re a good person. You’re a _good person_ , Tyler, and your parents abusing you isn’t part of ‘God’s plan’, and it’s not continuing because God wants it to, it’s because no one is stopping it, but like, not even about that, you’re not a sinner and you’re not dirty for being gay, and you’re not a bad person for having ‘Blurryface’ in your mind because you didn’t ask for it, it’s just… it’s just there, and we can get you help for it, you know, we can… we can get you to therapy and you can rant to me all of the time, like fuck what ‘Blurryface’ says, I’ll listen to you, and my train of thought is just… everywhere right now, but I guess my point is that I don’t care how many times I have to say it, I’ll say it for like… God, the rest of my fucking life, that you aren’t a bad person, and that you don’t deserve to get abused, no matter what that voice in your head says.”

Tyler doesn’t say anything, he just sort of moves closer to Josh, and he leans his head on Josh’s shoulder. “Okay.” He says, after a while, and he doesn’t add anything after that. But it was a good ‘okay’, you know? It’s super ‘John Green’ of him to think, but Josh can deal with ‘okay’, especially when that ‘okay’ is paired with Tyler’s head on his shoulder, and Tyler’s breath on his neck.

* * *

“Dicks out for our shitty fuckin’ song.” Pete says, before Hayley hits him over the head. “Hey! I like our song, I think it’s good! And don’t use that Harambe meme, it’s totally insensitive, Harambe didn’t die for us to make a _meme_ out of him, you fuckwad. Actually, Harambe shouldn’t have even died in the first place!”

“True,” Patrick says to Hayley, before he turns to Pete, who’s right next to him, “And hey, babe, I like your song!” He tries to offer, but Pete only shrugs. “I like it enough, I’m just nervous, like dicks out for-“ “Pete, _don’t_.”

Josh was feeling pretty alright when he was with Tyler, but now, on the walk to the Music Theory classroom, he just felt pretty shitty. Like, realistically, it’d only take 7 minutes to present, what with playing the song and describing the process and what different tools from GarageBand they used, and the meaning behind what they did and whatever else they had to do, Josh still wasn’t entirely sure to be honest, but _still_. 7 minutes is a _long time_.

 _Okay_ , he thinks, ‘ _Bohemian Rhapsody’ is 6 minutes long, maybe if I sing it extra slow in my head I’ll be okay?_

As Josh walks into the room, he realizes that Tyler and Jenna don’t look so great either- Jenna is praying to herself, and Tyler has this look on his face that screams ‘ _I’d literally rather be anywhere else_!’. Brendon Urie, across the room, is legitimately pulling his hair out, and Ryan Ross is hovering over the garbage can.

…And Mr. Way scans the room with a satisfied grin. “So, aren’t we all super excited to present our projects?!”

Pete mutters under his breath, “Fuck this guy and his stupid fucking dyed red hair.” and Hayley gasps next to him, turning to jab him in the shoulder with her finger. “What the hell, what is wrong with red hair?!”

And their teacher must have heard Pete’s comment, because he turns to Pete and Hayley and he says, through gritted teeth, “Pete? Hayley? Why don’t you two go first?”

Watching Pete and Hayley present their project was sort of calming for Jenna, only because of Hayley’s super soothing voice. Hayley could read textbooks, and Jenna would still listen, that’s how sweet and soothing her voice is. But she still feels super nervous, and apparently Tyler shared that same concern, which was ‘ _why the fuck did we do this to ourselves and write such emotional songs_?’

And Jenna has heard the song before, obviously, but it sounds amazing even through the school's horrible speakers. She just hopes that their song will sound just as good, even though Hayley has the prettiest voice Jenna has ever heard.

A while passes, and then suddenly- “-and yeah. That’s our project. That’s all.” Hayley says, a little awkwardly, and she runs back to her seat. Pete follows her, even though he stops for a moment to high-five Patrick and Josh. And before Jenna has time to pray again (Tyler shot her a tired look the first time, but seriously, it _helps_ ), Mr. Way scans the room again, and his eyes land on her.

“Jenna!” He says cheerfully, and she says, the complete opposite of cheerfully, “Mr. Way, I don’t feel so good! I think I’m coming down with… er… lice.”

“You’re coming down with lice?” He asks, amused, and before Jenna can argue her case, an itchy scalp, or something, Patrick’s getting out of his seat, and he mouths “ _Not worth it._ ” to her.

Pete whispers to Josh, “ _Coming_. Haha.” and then Josh just sends an exasperated look his way.

Standing up in front of the classroom is tough, to say the least. Patrick’s on the computer, looking for the file with their song on it, and Jenna feels like she’s going to faint. She doesn’t even look over to her peers, she just glances over to Hayley, who mouths “ _Good luck_ ” to her, and okay, does it help? Not really, but it makes her smile, and smiling makes Jenna feel a little more confident and better.

And before Jenna knows it, she hears a familiar guitar melody (played by Patrick), followed by an even more familiar voice. But she doesn’t even have time to think about it, since she’s helping Patrick write down the strategies and equipment and programs they used to create the song on the whiteboard. It feels a lot better this way- maybe Mr. Way wasn’t an evil asshole after all, Jenna was way too distracted to even listen to her singing. It lifts a huge weight off of her shoulder, so by the time the line “ _And I’m on my way to believing_ ” echoes in the background, and the song finishes, she’s ready to present.

“The lyrics kinda… came really easy to me, I think. Because I wrote these lyrics when I actually started to feel like I could fall in love, instead of feeling like love wasn’t meant for me.” Jenna says, baring her fucking soul. “With every… er, relationship I’ve had, I never felt like I was in love, but this person… _Hayley_ , Hayley kind of, like, changed that. So… she’s the only exception…. Anyways, Patrick! Can you, just…” She quickly turns to Patrick, and Patrick immediately leads into his section of the presentation.

She doesn’t know why she said that, because now everyone really knows, and it was just a ‘heat of the moment’ thing, and everyone gives her weird looks, and even Mr. Way looks shocked, but then she looks over to Hayley, who’s smiling so wide that it must hurt, and suddenly she knows why she said it- because yeah, love is a big word, but Hayley makes her believe in love, like that’s a thing that Jenna can experience with Hayley, and Jenna’s heart fills with so emotion that she hardly even listens to Patrick.

After Patrick and Jenna finish their presentation, Brendon and Ryan go next. Brendon throws all of the hair that he pulled out while he was freaking out at Mr. Way before they present, and from there on out, Mr. Way lets the groups in the front pick the next group to go. And although Josh really appreciates that everyone isn’t picking them, he also wishes that they would get picked so that they could get it over and done with.

And since the universe doesn’t like Josh very much, Josh and Tyler end up being the last group to go.

“Alright, Josh and Tyler- wow! We have just enough time! Come on up!” He says, enthusiastic as ever, and Josh and Tyler glance at each other before they make their way up to the front of the room. 

“Yeah, Tyler!” Someone in the back calls out, and Tyler gives them an odd look, before he throws his head back, closing his eyes. “ _It’s going to be horrible_ ,” ‘Blurryface cackles, “ _they’re all going to laugh at you, and it’s going to be a failure_.”

But then that voice goes away when Josh touches his arm gently, and when Tyler opens his eyes, just as the beginning notes of their song start to play, Josh gives him a reassuring smile, something soft and warm.

Sadly, unlike Jenna, Tyler can hear everything as he writes on the whiteboard- he hears every crack in his voice, he hears how idiotic he sounds as he raps, and he’s almost positive he hears someone laugh in the room. He hears how horrible his voice is, how ugly and unclear it is, how odd it is, how it sounds so… unconventional. _No one would listen to this_ , he thinks. _It’s horrible_.

But then that verse comes on, and Tyler looks up from writing at the same time that Josh does. And through the shitty speakers, the ‘ _Tie a noose around your mind / loose enough to breath fine and tie it / To a tree tell it / You belong to me, this ain’t a noose / This is a leash and I have news for you / You must obey me!_ ’ is so abundantly clear, and then Tyler takes a deep breath in and out.

Maybe Tyler’s going to hate himself and hate his song and hate his life, but Josh will be there for him, and Josh cares about him, and Josh knows that Tyler can beat this thing at it’s own game, and Josh _believes_ in Tyler. He believes that Tyler can take control of his thoughts, and even if Tyler doesn’t believe in it just yet, just knowing that Josh believes in him is enough.

Pete proceeds to headbang during the last “ _Lean with it, rock with it_ ” section (even though Patrick grabs Pete by his shirt collar to stop him from banging his head into the desk), and Hayley and Jenna mouth the lyrics to each other before giggling, and even though the rest of the class looked just as mortified as they did when Jenna presented (it was the screaming and rapping that did it), Josh felt good about it. Like, he felt like this was what he was meant to do, drum alongside Tyler, with his friends in the crowd, supporting him.

Tyler’s still a little horrified at the experience, but he can’t be blamed.

Josh goes in with the explanations on how they created the song, how Josh played the drums, and Tyler created a lot of the other sounds with the keyboard and the special effects on GarbageBand. He explains how Tyler wrote all of the lyrics, and then before Tyler knows it, Mr. Way looks over at Tyler with expectant eyes.

“Well, Tyler, since we only have a minute left, what does this song mean to you? In… 50 seconds?”

Tyler takes a deep breath. “I think that… I think that this song is about those inner demons we all have… and I think that is song is accepting that they’re there, you know, always, they’re _surrounding your surroundings_ , and they take over your logic, y’know, _left side brain_ , but they’re part of you, of who you are, so you hold onto them. But at the same time, you have to learn to rein those thoughts in when they get too dark, and you have to learn to control it so it doesn’t get out of hand. And… yeah.”

Tyler looks over to Josh, and Josh nods, and gives him a thumbs up. And then the bell rings.

* * *

“I can’t believe it’s done? It’s the end of a fuckin’ era!” Pete says, as they walk home from school. And it’s not late, it’s early. Like… 2:45pm early. It feels weird now, though. Hayley sort of misses staying after school until Jenna’s done with practice already.

“An era that lasted 3 weeks?” Patrick asks, amused, and Pete shrugs. They’re holding hands, and walking ahead of Josh and Hayley, but Pete turns so that he’s walking backwards. “So much happened! I mean, Hayley’s got a girlfriend, Jenna Black is _gay_ , Tyler Joseph is _gay_ , Tyler and Josh are definitely fucking-“ “We’re not fucking.”

“And, like, Patrick cursed Shane out and scalped the motherfucker, and Hayley got her first kiss, and I blew Patrick-“ “Pete, _stop_!” “-and it’s _the end of an era_!”

“I mean, I think it’ll be an end of an era when we convince Tyler to tell someone, and Tyler’s safe.” Josh says, and Pete bites down on his lip before he nods solemnly, “Yeah, that’s true. How’s that going?”

“I don’t know. Badly? I don’t know. I’m gonna say that it’s the same.” Josh says- he doesn’t bother telling everyone about Tyler ranting to him. It felt too personal to share.

“I mean, did Maddy talk to him?” Hayley asks, and Josh nods. “Yeah, Maddy talked to him. He just seemed really overwhelmed, you know? Maybe now that the projects are done, things will settle down?” Josh suggests, but from the look on Patrick’s face, Patrick doubts it.

“I don’t know. God, this is depressing as fuck. I hate the fact that I can’t just go over there and smack the sense into his parents.” Pete notes, and he kicks a rock in their path. “Like, I just wanna dropkick them.”

“I think I’d pay to see that. Pete, dropkicking Tyler’s parents.” Hayley says, before she imagines it in her head- all of Pete, in his 5'6 glory, jumping up and dropkicking Kelly and Chris.

“50 bucks per person. Proceeds to go to me, solely because I have no money. I need a job.” Pete says, and then the 4 of them collectively sigh. _Jobs_.

“Whatever. Anyways, are we all going to the game tomorrow?” Josh asks, and Pete, Patrick, and Hayley all glance at each other before they wince.

“Basketball? I’ve never heard of it.” Patrick says, finally, and Pete nods, “Same!”

“Pete, you’re _athletic_.” Josh tries to argue, but Pete shrugs, “Yeah, but I don’t know what basketball _is_.”

“And Hayley, Jenna’s gonna be cheering!” “Yeah, but… ugh, fine. I’ll go with you.” Hayley says, and Josh would like to think it’s because he asked her, but he knows it’s just because of Jenna in her cheerleading uniform.

“Well, if everyone’s going, we wanna come too!” Pete says, before he turns to Patrick. “Right?”

“Right,” Patrick says, with a small eye roll, “Whatever King Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz the Third wants me to do, I guess I’m doing.”

“Hey, you love me though.” Pete says, bumping Patrick’s shoulder a little. And Patrick looks over, with a pissed off expression on, but that quickly changes to something sweeter and soft. “Of course, always.” He says, before he pulls Pete in by his shirt for a kiss.

Hayley and Josh grimace as Pete and Patrick’s kiss deepens, but they don’t say anything about it - Josh is just happy that his friends are coming with him tomorrow for Tyler’s game. Because he doesn’t really wanna say it, but he’s so fucking nervous about it, even more than for their project. The game determines Tyler’s whole fucking future. He just prays that everything will be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while i was writing this, i was like "damn tho for real, why would they choose these really emo songs if they were gonna have to present them in front of their class?" but then i remembered in the 9th grade we had to do these memoirs for english class and we presented them in class and i wrote mine about my cousin who stopped talking to me because her mom thought i turned her gay by showing her glee and i nearly cried in front of my entire class (listen it sounds ridiculous rn but it felt like BETRAYAL back then) BUT ALSO this girl in my class actually had to stop presenting because she was crying too much so like. i didnt knock myself too hard for that whole 'wow tyler and jenna really wrote these emo ass songs FULLY knowing they'd have to present it anyways!" 
> 
> anyways- next chapter is the championship game! it might take me some time to write cause what's basketball? 
> 
> and also... dicks out for 1100 kudos?!??!!?!?!?!? (ok im still not entirely sure because 'dicks out' is actually like a sign of respect i think?? even tho HARAMBE deserves better than 'dicks out') thank you sm!!!!! <333 idk if you guys really need me babbling even more so im just gonna say: ily guys :')


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quite possibly the most cliche chapter ever written. i sorta hate myself for this.  
> also, it's quite possibly the longest chapter i've ever written.

“Okay, Big Daddy Josh! What’s with the truck?” Pete asks with raised eyebrows, when Josh pulls into the driveway of Pete’s house, sitting in the driver’s seat of his Dad’s truck.

“ _Big Daddy Josh_?” Hayley asks, from the passenger seat, as Josh rolls his eyes, “Dude, just get it, we still have to pick up Patrick, and Hayley wants to tell Jenna good luck in person, so we gotta hurry.”

The game doesn’t start for another 40 or so minutes, but Josh is feeling anxious enough already, and being late would only add to that, so he’s trying to make an effort to get there as early as possible. Effort enough to even beg his Dad to let him borrow the truck.

“It’s a little, hmm, _early_ , don’t you think?” Pete asks, as he opens the door to the back row. He climbs in, and buckles his seat belt as Hayley explains the situation to him- “Josh almost threw up, he’s so nervous about the outcome of the game.”

“Shit, isn’t everyone? I mean, I don’t give a fuck about the school winning other than Tyler’s scholarship. Can you imagine what would happen if Tyler didn’t get it?”

Josh was backing out of the driveway, but he presses the brakes violently, so that the truck lurches forward a little, and he whips around in his seat. “Dude! Do you _want_ me to crash the truck?!”

“Sorry, sorry!” Pete says, before he pretends to zip his mouth shut and throw away the key. But then he starts babbling again once Josh is on the road anyways, so it doesn’t even matter. “I hope that they’re selling snacks, I’m dying for some pizza.”

“I doubt they’ll sell pizza as a snack, idiot,” Hayley says, before she turns around in her seat so that she’s facing Pete. “Also, we’re getting Taco Bell after the game. Josh found 50 bucks in this little compartment thing, and since we have no self-control, we’re just gonna spend it on food.”

“We should spend it on weed, that way when Josh sends us ‘420 lit’ in the group chat, he would’ve actually fuckin’ gotten high before.” Pete says, and Josh argues back “I got second-hand high at that Wiz Khalifa concert, so like… give me some credit!”

“Oh, right, ‘ _second-hand high_ ’, my bad!”

After that, they mostly sit in silence, save for the Florence + The Machine album that Hayley put in, because ‘Florence makes me feel like a forest nymph and I like feeling like a forest nymph’, until they get to Patrick’s house. And despite it being a basketball game, Patrick runs out of the house wearing a baseball hat. He opens the car door, climbs in, and he presses a quick kiss to Pete’s lips, before he turns to Josh and Hayley. “Hey guys.”

“Nice _baseball_ hat.” Hayley says as a greeting, and Patrick turns red, before he turns to look at Pete. “Wait… oh, shit. I always…. They both start with ‘b’, how the fuck am I supposed to know?”

“You look cute, I like it.” Pete grins, but Patrick only scowls in response, and he pulls down the hat so that no one can see his eyes. “I hate my life.”

“That makes two of us.” Josh says, as he starts driving again. He glances at the time, and they only have 30 minutes, which… is fucking fantastic. He feels like his heart is going to explode, he’s so anxious.

“Hey, Josh, I hate my life but not enough for it to end, why the fuck are you going 50 in a 20 mile per hour area?” Patrick asks, before he notices how tense Josh is. His shoulders are hunched up, and his fingers are wrapped so tightly around the wheel, his knuckles are practically white.

“He’s nervous about the game. Or about Tyler. Same thing.” Pete explains, and Patrick sighs. “Josh, it’s gonna be fine. I mean… this is gonna sound awful-“ “Don’t say what I think you’re gonna say.” Hayley warns, and she facepalms when Patrick says, “but he’s been shooting 500 baskets every day since the season started. They can’t possibly lose.”

“Geez, Patrick!” Hayley exclaims, and Patrick throws his hands up in the air, “It’s not a lie! I mean, he’s been practicing day and night. Tyler’s the captain of that team, they can’t lose with a captain like that!”

“That’s what I’m worried about!” Josh says, and he presses on the brakes hard when they reach a stoplight. “It’s… it’s too much pressure, what if he cracks under it?”

“Again, really, Josh. What faith you have in him.” Patrick deadpans, despite Pete repeatedly drawing a line across his throat, and Hayley shaking her head frantically.

“It’s not about that! It’s… come on, your entire life depends on this game, your whole future depends on it, it’s a whole lot of fucking pressure! And the whole team hates him, ever since Mark outed him to the whole world. I’m not saying that… that I totally don’t believe in him, because I do, but… it’s a lot.” Josh says, and Patrick sighs deeply.

“Just… have faith in him, man. Don’t think about that, it’ll only make you nervous and anxious.”

“Wow, thanks. All of my worries- gone!” Josh says sarcastically, and Patrick grits his teeth. “Okay, fine, don’t listen to me!”

“No fighting, no fighting…. Shakira, Shakira.” Pete says, with a grin, and then he gauges Patrick and Josh’s reaction, and then he frowns. “Alright, come on, let’s all make up and be friends again.”

“True!” Hayley says, and Josh sighs. “Alright… positive vibes, right? For Tyler?”

“Yeah- for Tyler. If he feels your, like, positive vibes, maybe he’ll feel better! And hey, maybe we should pull a Jenna, and do a prayer circle.” Patrick says, and Pete nods. “Prayer circle!”

“…are you making fun of my girlfriend?”

* * *

So, it’s really crowded in the gym. Like, really crowded. Josh is fairly certain he’s only seen about half of the people in there, but they manage to find a seat at the top of the bleachers. It’s far from the action, but it’s far enough that no one will really bother them if Pete and Patrick get bored and start making out (which is sort of a given). So Josh can’t really complain about probably not being able to see Tyler properly, even though it makes his stomach jump a little.

“Pete, watch my bag for me?” Hayley asks, and Pete nods and takes it from her hands, as Hayley looks over to Josh. “Come with me to find Jenna? Maybe we can find Tyler on the way there too!”

And Josh shrugs, and follows her out of the gym.

It’s not that Josh doesn’t wanna find Tyler and wish him good luck, because he _does_. But he feels like with his luck, someone will find them, whether it’s Tyler’s parents, or Mark, or _something_ , and then it’ll set Tyler off even more. And that’s sort of the last thing Josh and Tyler need.

…But now that Josh is thinking about it, he didn’t even text Tyler because he was so nervous. Not to _toot his own horn_ , but maybe Josh wishing Tyler good luck would make him feel better, and Josh would have fucked it all up.

Either way, Josh is thoroughly and utterly confused.

“I think Jen’s in the girls locker room, but, like, you can just wait out here, or try to find Tyler. I mean, we do have like twenty minutes, so y’know. You could kiss him good l-“ “Yeah, no.”

Hayley stops dead in her tracks, and she grabs one of Josh’s arms to stop him as well. “No?” She crosses her arms over her chest, and Josh shrinks back under the ‘Hayley glare’.

“I don’t wanna freak him out!” “You won’t be freaking him out, you guys like each other!” Hayley argues, but Josh shakes his head.

“Yeah, but you never know, maybe that kiss will set him off and then-“

“Josh. _Joshua_. You both like each other! You may not see it, but all of us see the way that you guys look at each other. So just take a chance, alright?”

“Now isn’t the… the time for taking chances!”

Hayley glares at him a little harder and she says, “It could be the very thing that makes or break the game!”

“Exactly- it could very well break the game.” “And it can make it! Ugh, just forget it! I’m gonna find Jenna, and you-“ She emphasizes the ‘you’ by jabbing a finger in Josh’s chest, “-are going to go and tell Tyler good luck.”

With a huff, Hayley opens the door to the girls locker room, and Josh storms off in the direction of the boys locker room.

But before he can even reach there, a random person grabs Josh by the shoulders, and says frantically, “Have you seen Tyler Joseph?!”

Josh’s eyes widen, and he shakes his head. The person sighs hurriedly, and pushes Josh away, and then runs off into the other direction. Josh bumps into the wall behind him, but that pain doesn’t even register, because suddenly a ‘Kill Bill’-esque siren goes off in his head, and his breath quickens. _What the fuck did he mean by that?_

Even though somewhere in the back of Josh’s mind, he knows that Tyler won’t be in the locker room, and he can’t help but run towards the locker rooms. Because… Tyler has to be there, that’s not even a question.

He stops when he hears the basketball coach screaming at the players, and he sucks in a breath when he hears what he’s yelling about.

“I don’t care if we’re late- find him!” The basketball coach screams, and Josh sees that his face bright red. The other players look genuinely terrified, and one of the players says, “I already checked with his parents, he’s not there. And I checked the parking lot, and the bathrooms, he’s not there either.” and okay, sirens are definitely going off in Josh’s head now.

 _Tyler wouldn’t do that_ , he tells himself. But then a horrible image pops into his head, Tyler sitting on the ledge before he dives forward, and then he starts running again.

Everything in his mind is white noise, even though he keeps trying to picture Patrick in the back of the truck, “ _Stay positive, you just need to give off positive vibes_!”, but it doesn’t fucking work, because Tyler is missing twenty minutes before the game, and no one can find him.

_Maybe it’s like a pre-game ritual, Tyler just disappears! That’s a thing, right?_

Yeah, he can’t convince himself of that at all. He finds himself going up to the roof of the school, because that’s the only place Josh can picture Tyler, even if it’s a horrible picture, and lo and behold, Tyler’s there.

He’s sitting on the ledge, and he’s just staring out at the sky and the tops of buildings like nothing’s wrong, like Josh isn’t totally fucking losing his mind over him.

And Josh assumes the worse, as one would, so he screams out, guttural and desperate, “TYLER!”

Tyler jumps up in surprise, and he turns his head, before tilting it to the side, “Josh?”, and then he swings over so that he’s facing Josh. “What… oh _shit_. Oh shit, no, I wasn’t-“

Josh runs up to him anyways, mostly because his heart is beating so hard and urgently that he can feel it everywhere, and Tyler hops off so that he’s back on the surface of the roof, and able to hug Josh back when Josh pulls him in a crushing hug.

“Fuck… Tyler, what the _fuck_.” Josh says, burying his head in Tyler’s neck, and he’s not really sure what he’s even doing anymore, he just wants to breathe Tyler in, because Tyler’s here, and he’s not jumping off of school buildings, and Josh is so overcome with emotions that he almost cries.

“I promise, I wasn’t gonna do anything. I just needed to… to clear my head, I don’t know, I’m so nervous.” Tyler says, and he pulls away from Josh for no other reason than the fact that Josh was almost strangling him. And the bruise on his stomach hurts a lot, but he doesn’t mention it, like the feeling of Josh near him is worth it.

“And you…. you didn’t tell anyone?” Josh says, trying to catch his breath, and Tyler shakes his head, sighing as he says, “No one wants to come near me or talk to me unless I’m shooting hoops, and you didn’t….” Tyler trails off again, and Josh furrows his eyebrows, “I didn’t…?”

“You didn’t text or call ‘good luck’ or anything, so I figured that you were busy, and couldn’t come and forgot, or something. I don’t know...” 

Due to all of the rush of just raw feelings, because he’s still terrified, and scared, and he’s pissed that Tyler would think that sitting on the ledge of the roof was okay, and he’s so happy that Tyler’s okay, so Josh just starts laughing hysterically, just to get some of it out.

Tyler blinks at Josh, who’s bent over, laughing, and he says after a while, “Um… Josh?”

“I’m just…. You’re okay! And not dead!” Josh says, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he laughs harder.

“Yeah, not yet anyways.” Tyler, mostly to himself, and well, that sobers Josh right back up. He wipes the corners of his eyes a little, and he clears his throat.  “Um, people are looking for you, and the game starts in, like, 15 minutes, so we should probably go, right?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” Tyler says, and he waits a millisecond before he holds his hand out. Josh glances at it, and back up at Tyler with furrowed eyebrows, and Tyler takes Josh’s hand in his. “I wanna like… hold your hand.” Tyler blushes, and Josh goes “ _Oh_! Sorry, no, that’s fine! I’m, like… yeah. We can do that.”

Tyler wasn’t thinking about jumping, he _really_ wasn’t. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t feel ‘Blurryface’ tearing up his wrists and screaming on a loop over and over in his head. Because he had the same thoughts that Josh knew that he was having- what would happen if Tyler lost this? What would happen if Tyler didn’t stand out, and leave a lasting impact, what would happen if Tyler wasn’t good enough to qualify for a scholarship?

Tyler didn’t know- his whole life was set on Tyler getting his scholarship, and Tyler being an international basketball star. So what if he wasn’t? Who was Tyler without basketball?

Either way, he knew he was going to have to go down there some time and face the beginning of the end… or the beginning of the beginning, so he leads Josh down the stairs until they reach the ground level, where the locker rooms are.

“Good luck.” Josh breathes out, and he pulls Tyler in for another hug. It feels wrong, like there should be more, but Tyler hugs back anyways, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before he pulls away.

“Thank you.” Tyler says, and he smiles, before he runs back to where his teammates are.

And Tyler really didn’t expect everyone to be waiting for him, his parents included. So he's surprised when everyone sighs in relief when he walks over, and it’s a good moment until it’s not a good moment.

“Geez, Tyler, I know you can’t resist your faggy urges but did you really have to blow Josh 10 minutes before the game?” Shane says, loud and bellowing, and then the entire mood shifts in an instant. Because everyone, the coach and Tyler’s _parents_ aside, starts laughing at Tyler, and even though the coach tries to quiet everyone, and get them to become a united force or some shit again, Tyler looks over to his parents, all he sees is disgust and hatred in their eyes.

 _Tyler without basketball_ , Tyler decides, _is just a disappointment_.

* * *

Hayley doesn’t know much about basketball. But judging from the way that Pete is screaming at the top of his lungs, and from Josh’s facial expressions, the game isn’t going so well.

And by now, the gym has become too loud that even at the highest setting, her headphones can’t mask it, so she turns off her music and pulls out her headphones.

“Dude, what’s happening?” She asks, and Patrick pauses his game on his Nintendo DS to shrug, “I think they’re losing? Ask Pete.”, and then he goes back to his game. So Hayley rolls her eyes, and she reaches across Patrick to pull on Pete’s shirt.

“WHAT?!” Pete screams at her, and Hayley screams back “WHAT’S HAPPENING? ARE WE LOSING BADLY?”

She hears a loud buzzing noise, something that doesn’t sound right, and Pete shakes his head. “NOT BADLY, BUT WE’RE FUCKING LOSING!”

“We’re losing.” Josh says, leaning in front of Pete so that he can see Hayley. He has his hands wrapped around himself, and he looks absolutely distraught. “But we’re losing in a way that we could make a comeback... probably.”

“Maybe Jen and the cheerleaders will cheer everyone up, and get everyone’s spirits up?” Hayley tries to offer, but Pete looks over and he pinches Hayley’s cheeks. “Yeah, cheer _you_ up. WE’RE FUCKING DOOMED!”

“Ow!” Hayley pinches Pete’s arm so that he’ll let go, and she settles back into her seat. She can’t really see anything that’s going on, but Tyler is the person wearing the shirt with the number “21” on it, and Number 21 looks pretty tired, judging from his running.

“Intermission, or whatever it’s called in sports-” “Half-time, Ricky. _Half-time_.” “Okay, _half-time_ , is in, like, 5 minutes, so that’s when Jenna’s coming out.” Patrick says, finally looking up from his Pokemon game.

“Yeah, he’s right. So, hopefully our FUCKING TEAM gets their heads out of their asses and starts communicating with each other.” Pete says, before he curls into Patrick’s side a little, and pouts, “I can’t believe this. I’m gonna personally murder Mark and Shane, this is their entire fault!”

“Yeah same! I don’t-“ Patrick says, before the entire gym gasps at the same time. So, naturally, the 4 of them jump up to see what happened.

And Tyler’s puking into a garbage can.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?” Pete screams, and someone in the first row screams back at him, “SOMEONE ELBOWED 21 IN THE STOMACH.”

 _Someone elbowed 21 in the stomach_ echoes in Josh’s mind, and then it doesn’t really hit him for another second or two, until he almost lurches forward. “Guys… isn’t that where…” Josh trails off, and Patrick’s eyes widen, “Holy shit, wasn’t that where Tyler’s dad kicked him?!”

Half-time comes early, since the janitors have to come in and clean everything up. And even though the gym kinda reeks, only adding to the lack of school spirit, the cheerleaders come out anyways.

All of the basketball players leave the gym, Tyler included since he’s probably on his way to the nurse’s office, and alright, as protective and scared as Josh is, he really wouldn’t have worried about Tyler (he’s worrying, but not enough to get overbearing and go find Tyler) if he hadn’t seen Tyler’s mother get up and walk in the direction that Tyler left in.

And he can see how that can end badly. No one even stops her, because they figure she's just checking up on her son. But... something doesn't sit well with Josh. So...

“I have to go check on him!” Josh says, jumping up to his feet, and Pete stands up too “I’m coming with you!”

“Wait, really?” Josh asks, and Pete blinks at him for a second, before he says, sheepishly, “I mean… I have to pee, but sure!”

The music doesn’t fit the atmosphere in the room at all, the atmosphere mostly, ‘ _holy shit someone just puked in front of our very eyes_ ’, but Hayley gives Jenna a thumbs up before they start their routine. And Jenna takes a deep breath, and then she yells, “READY, OKAY!”, and then the cheerleaders get into their routine.

And because of this, Pete and Josh are able sneak through the gym doors, since everyone was distracted by the cheerleaders, and they start walking towards the nurses office. “Maybe his mom just had to pee. Like me. Very badly.” Pete says, and Josh lets out an exasperated sigh. “Come on, do you want a situation like what happened on Wednesday again?” Josh asks, and Pete clenches his jaw, and says through his teeth, “No, but I don’t think his mom is stupid enough to do anything like that _here_. Where anyone can see!”

But Pete keeps following Josh, so Josh doesn’t add anything back. It’s kind of eerie, being in the dark hallways just as the sun is setting. Like, there’s still light filtering through the windows, but the light is a redish-orange, and it just looks sinister.

“Okay, so let’s say that we find Tyler and his mom, and his mom is like…” Pete takes a deep breath, and doesn’t finish that train of thought, even though Josh has some sort of clue as to what he was alluding to. “Do we record it?”

“I mean… I guess. But shouldn’t we interfere?” Josh asks, now in a whisper as they get closer to the nurses office.

“ _You_ can do the interfering. I’ll do the recording-“ Pete says, and then he furrows his eyebrows. “Holy shit, I think I hear them.”

Josh ducks, for no reason other than it feels like the right thing to do, and Pete follows his lead. “Should we move closer?” Josh asks, and Pete nods shallowly, even though fear seems to slowly sink into his eyes.

So they walk a little closer to where the noise is coming from, even though they’re hunched over. Tyler’s mom’s voice gets louder and louder, and Pete eventually takes a deep breath, and starts recording. Josh sort of wants to jump out and do something, but the thought of showing his face in front of Tyler’s mom would only make things worse for Tyler... right?

Josh wishes he could read Tyler’s mind sometimes- he’s so torn with what to do and what not to do that it’s driving him fucking insane. But he stays with Pete, mostly because Pete’s hands are shaking so hard that Josh is afraid his phone is going to drop.

“ _I don’t understand this, Tyler! I just don’t understand_!” Tyler’s mom repeats over and over again, almost like a broken record. Her voice is shrill, and she sounds so distraught, for all the wrong reasons.

“ _I don’t understand any of this! How you could do this to us!_ ” She says, before she says through her teeth, forcing Pete and Josh to move closer, “ _It was this ‘gay’ shit, wasn’t it?”_

And then she gets shrill again, “ _It was that devil, Josh Dun, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?”_

“ _Mom_ ,” Tyler tries to plead, and then they hear heels clacking on the floor, like his Mom was pacing back and forth.

“ _This is wrong, Tyler! This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong! What happened to you? What happened to my sweet little boy_?”

And then she gets angry again- Pete glances over to Josh, and Josh gulps.

“ _Do you know how much your father and I slaved for you?! We moved to this suburban neighborhood for you, and all we asked of you was to be a good boy and do what we asked of you, and you’ve done this?! We did everything right, and we get you?! You… you practice every day, and we spend our hard earned money on basketball training for you and you fuck it all up for a boy? You almost miss the game for a boy_?”

“ _It wasn’t like that_!” Tyler tries to argue back, and then suddenly they hear a very crisp sounding slap. Pete’s jaw drops and Josh’s eyes almost bulge out of his head.

“ _Don’t talk back to me like that, Tyler_!” She says, panting, and then she sounds like she composes herself because she says, very calmly, “ _You’ve made your choice, Tyler. You want to fuck up your whole future to be a faggot, go ahead. But your father and I won’t be part of this… this lifestyle that you’ve chosen_.”

After that, Pete and Josh hear her walking down the hallway in the opposite direction, so Pete presses the ‘off’ button, and he glances up to Josh. “Holy shit.” Pete says, shaky and he wipes his sweaty hands on his jeans. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, you talk to Tyler, okay? Fuck, I need, like, a minute.” And then he walks away.

And then Josh turns the corner and glances at Tyler on the ground. He’s just staring straight ahead, with his shoulders slumped. And Tyler must have heard Josh walk up to him, but at this point, Josh seems to always pop up at the exact right time, so Tyler just leans into Josh’s side when Josh sits down next to him.

Tyler isn’t crying, which… Josh didn’t really expect. He’s not sure if he likes this either, though, because Tyler is totally quiet. There’s a mark on his cheek, like a handprint, which is fucking horrifying, but Josh tries not to stare at it.

“Did you hear all of it?” Tyler asks, looking down at his hands, before he laughs a little to himself, “Who am I kidding, you probably did, right? Did you catch that bit about… about them not wanting to be part of this _choice_ I made?”

“I did…” Josh says, before he runs a hand through his blue hair nervously. “What do you think they mean by that?” Tyler asks, still staring at his hands. “Like… am I not even part of my own family? If I don’t… if I fuck up my life by not getting this scholarship, I’m done? Was that the way I was supposed to interpret it? Or was it… or was it, you’re gay, and I don’t support it, so you’re done?”

“I don’t know.” Josh says, honestly.

“Or was it like… you’re gay, and because you’re gay, you wasted our time. Why did we bother having a kid, because you’re gay, and like. That’s be-all and end-all. And you’re done.” Tyler continues, and Josh shakes his head. “Your parents are… I don’t know, they’re _wrong_. You’re so much more than just… than just gay and a basketball player. That’s not all that you are, you can’t… you’re more than just two words.”

“Then who am I?” Tyler asks, and he looks up to Josh for this. “‘Blurryface’? Maybe that’s not just a voice in my head, maybe that who I really am.”

“You’re not, you’re… you’re _Tyler_ , you’re one of my favorite people in the world. My best friend who I completely believe in and will support no matter what happens.” Josh says, and then he continues when Tyler doesn’t negate it with another self-deprecating comment.

“You’re Jenna’s best friend, and you’re an artist, and you’re a songwriter, and you love Harry Potter, and Levi the Poet, and your favorite movie is ‘The Truman Show’, which is totally lame but, like, totally you, and… fuck, half-time is almost done, and I didn’t even finish, but the point is that you’re more than what your parents filter you down to. You can’t be defined by… ‘Blurryface’, and you can’t be defined as _just_ gay and a basketball player, because you’re so much more than that. And your parents are dicks, and you aren’t gonna lose because of what your mother said. You’re gonna go out there and do the best that you can, and if you don’t win, I’m here for you, and if you win, I’m here for you.”

Tyler looks skeptical. Like, really skeptical. And Josh knows, again, that he can’t cure anything with a dumb speech, and he knows that he can’t make everything magically better, like his stupid words will make Tyler believe in himself after years and years of hating himself, but his heart just hurts when Tyler looks at him in total disbelief, like he can’t believe anyone would say anything like that to him.

“Thank you.” Tyler says, and Josh sees tears start to form in Tyler’s eyes, but he blinks them away. “Really, I’m sorry I can’t… you know. Fuck. You know I want to believe you, right?”

“I know.” Josh says, sincerely, and then he stands up and holds out his hand. “Here, you probably have to go back in there.”

Tyler takes his hand, and he pushes himself up so that he’s back on his feet. And then he reaches out for Josh’s arm, and he says, quietly, “Thanks again. You always… I don’t know, you always say the right things. And it really means a lot to me, the only people that care this much about me are Jenna and my siblings and… well, they’re different.”

“They’re different?” Josh asks, trying to joke around a little, but Tyler nods, “Yeah, they’re not you. You’re special. I… I love you differently. I love you in a way I don’t love them. In a good way, I mean. Not that… God, I’m so bad at this.” Tyler says, and then he laughs nervously, and he moves in a little closer to Josh.

If Josh’s heart was beating fast before, that was absolutely nothing close to this. Tyler’s so close to Josh that they’re practically breathing in each other’s breath, which sounds kinda gross in theory, but Josh would rather breathe in Tyler’s sweat and the lingering smell of puke on Tyler’s outfit than be anywhere else. And they’re staring into each other’s eyes, blinking at each other, waiting for the other one to make some sort of move.

And then it sort of comes to Josh like second nature. He cups the side of Tyler’s face with one hand, he tilts his head to the right, he closes his eyes, and he kisses him.

And Tyler kisses him back, like his entire life depends on it. Like, the basketball game didn’t mean anything, because this is what his life was meant to lead up to- not a championship game, but this fucking kiss. He kisses him desperately, his fingers on one hand curling in the material of Josh’s shirt, and the other hand on Josh’s cheek, pulling him impossibly closer. He moans softly when Josh’s lips part, and he feels the warmness of Josh’s mouth, tastes medicinal chapstick, and then… it’s over.

Tyler chases Josh’s lips with his mouth when Josh pulls away for a second to breathe, and he stares at Josh with wide eyes. His fingers are still on Josh’s shirt, but he slowly uncurls them as the two of them catch their breath, and listen as the principal announces that half-time is almost done and everyone should return to their seats.

“Good luck, Ty.” Josh says, breaking out into a huge smile, and Tyler smiles back, pulling him in for another quick kiss, one that is a lot shorter than that last one, but still feels meaningful, because it’s still _Josh_.

And then he runs back to the locker rooms, where his teammates are. And Josh walks back to the gym. And neither of them can stop grinning.

* * *

Now that Jenna has joined them up on the bleachers, Hayley’s a little more invested in the game. As it turns out, Jenna’s super into basketball, and she instantly becomes Pete’s best friend. Seriously, they spend the last half of the game screaming expletives when the wrong team gets points, and cheering louder than the entire cheer team combined when someone on their team makes a shot.

But now, with only 5 minutes left on the clock, she’s still sort of confused as to what’s happening. Josh at least looks giddy, and he can’t stop smiling which is a good thing, she supposes, but it’s getting kind of creepy.

“Jen, what’s happening?” Hayley asks, and Jenna leans over so that Hayley can hear her, “So, we only have 5 minutes left, and we’re still behind, but if we make a good shot, _we_ meaning Tyler since he’s the only one on that team with fucking talent, we can totally win.”

Well, that sounds promising.

Kinda.

Not really.

“Is that a good thing?” Hayley asks, and Jenna shrugs. “I don’t know, but you just gotta hope for the best with these things, you know?”

“Should we start a prayer circle?” Pete asks, next to her, and Jenna turns to him and narrows her eyes at him, “ _Pete_.”

“I’m serious! _Kumbaya, my lord_!” He sings, loudly and off-tune, and Jenna runs her hands through her hair, pulling on it in frustration. Patrick elbows Pete in the side for bothering Jenna, and then he goes back to violently pressing buttons.

A buzzer goes off, and both Jenna and Pete jump up, screaming “NO!”, and both Patrick and Hayley glance at each other, before asking in frantic voices, “What happened?!”

But it’s Josh who explains it to them with a distant look in his eyes, “Basically… Tyler’s making or breaking the game.”

“Oh _shit_.” Patrick says, and on the court, Tyler says the same thing, before running back to where the rest of his teammates are, for one last ‘time-out’. And it’s kind of funny, the way that his team looks at him like he’s the only one that matters, when out of this gym, he’s the scum of the Earth to them. It only reminds him further that he’s no one to them, and no one to his parents.

Except Josh. He means a lot to Josh, which he repeats to himself over and over and over again, mostly blocking out what his coach says.

 _Josh wouldn’t have kissed you like that if you didn’t mean anything to him_ , he tells himself, and he barely catches the end of what his coach says, “Tyler, you make the shot after Shane passes the ball to you. Got it?”, and he nods numbly as the team does a group high five.

He looks over at the same spot that he’s been looking at for the entire half of the game, the very top of the bleachers, and he sees all of his friends cheering him on- He sees Hayley’s red shirt, Jenna’s bright purple cheerleading outfit and the pom-poms, Pete’s black and white hoodie, Patrick’s orange baseball hat, and last but definitely not least, Josh’s vibrant blue hair.

Tyler loves the color blue. He could die in it.

After that, he slips into the mindset he usually gets into when it comes to basketball. And things are hard, like they normally are, like the ball seems like its flying everywhere but near to Tyler, and he feels like he’s going to trip over his shoes and land on his face, and he feels like he’ll never be able to catch his breath.

And everything moves at lightning speed until it doesn’t. Shane gets the ball, and Tyler’s actually fucking free, for a millisecond, so Shane throws it to him, and then it’s like time stops fucking stops.

Tyler has to make the shot, and if Tyler makes the shot, they win.

“ _You can’t make the shot. You’d be able to make 500 baskets every day when they didn’t matter, but you’re not going to be able to make it now, when it counts. And you’re going to be the family disappointment, and-_ “ ‘Blurryface says, except then it’s sort of like in those movies where there’s a devil and an angel on either side of someone’s shoulders, so then Josh’s voices pops into his head, and the Josh in his head says “ _I believe in you, Tyler_.”

And it’s totally cheesey, but because of it, Tyler takes a deep breath, steadies himself, and he aims for the basket.

And he makes it.

Everything after that is a blur- he watches the ball go into the basket, and then suddenly, everyone’s screaming his name, and everyone’s running onto the court to hug him, and he hears music blasting, and sees confetti on the floor, and his parents are holding each other and crying and his siblings yell his name, and it’s a good moment, Tyler guesses, but he sort of feels like nothing has settled in. Like he got the scholarship, since he made the basket and he carried his entire team, but right now, he just wants to be in Josh’s arms, kissing him.

But… about 10 minutes later, he realizes that it didn’t settle in, back on the court. Because when he takes a picture with the trophy, next to all of his homophobic teammates, he has to excuse himself to cry for a couple of minutes. But, like, a good kind of crying. A ‘ _I can’t believe I made it, and I’m so proud of myself for making it even though my teammates are assholes- I proved them wrong, and I proved my parents wrong, and I fucking made it’_ kind of crying. 

* * *

“I’d sell my soul to the fucking devil for Taco Bell.” Pete says, on the way back to the truck.

After Jenna took pictures with her cheerleading squad, everyone met up back in the gym to go to Taco Bell. Well, everyone _except_ Tyler, who was going home with his parents. And it felt kind of lonely, like everyone had their boyfriends/girlfriends with them, and Josh was just tagging along instead of the other way around, but like… those were still Josh’s friends, so he didn’t mind.

“Well, I wouldn’t say _that_ …” Jenna says, furrowing her eyebrows a little, and Pete shrugs. “I’m just telling the truth!”

“That’s true, Pete would. I mean, I’m still more of a McDonalds fan, because you can never go wrong with some chicken nuggets, but…” Patrick trails off, and Hayley shakes her head, “No, guys, you aren’t thinking straight-“ “Well, no one here is thinking _straight_ , if you think about it…” Jenna says, and Pete downright _cackles_. “I fucking love Jenna!”

They reach the truck when Pete finishes his statement, so Josh fishes for his keys as Hayley goes into an explanation on how Chick-fil-A, although homophobic and shitty company, has the best fast food out there. And right before Josh clicks the ‘unlock’ button, he spots a figure running towards them, a figure that looks a lot like Tyler Joseph.

“Is that Tyler?” Patrick asks, and their questions are answered when Tyler reaches the truck. “Hi, I’m coming with you guys.”

The 5 friends blink at him, before they absolutely smother him in hugs, and praises. “Oh my God, Tyler! That shot was fucking amazing!” “Congratulations, Tyler!” “We knew you could do it!”

And it feels really good, like… _really_ good. Like before, he was being smothered with love by people who didn’t love him, but here, right now, he’s being smothered with love by people that do love him. But best of all, when all of the friends let go of Tyler, Tyler moves in closer to Josh, and kisses him softly.

Except ‘softly’ turns into something else when Tyler ends up pushing Josh against the car door, and their kiss deepens, until they hear Pete yell out, “Okay, keep it PG!”

They pull away quickly, and Tyler blushes and says sheepishly, “Sorry, um… adrenaline?”

“You don’t have to apologize.” Josh says, wiping his mouth a little. They glance at each other, and start giggling. And everyone looks on with shocked expressions, mostly because Tyler and Josh went from barely touching each other to… like, making out with each other.

“…So, taco bell?” Patrick asks eventually, and Josh says, his voice cracking, “Taco Bell!”, before he turns to look at Tyler. “And your parents are okay with you coming with us?”

That was clearly the wrong thing to say- Tyler shifts his gaze to the ground, and he says, “Well… I’m not really sure. They didn’t say anything to me after the game, they just took pictures with me and my siblings with their fake smiles and whatnot, and then. I don’t know. I just told my siblings I’d be with you, and then I ran out”

Pete and Patrick glance at each other, before Patrick says, soothingly, “Well… you deserve to be taken out, even if it’s for fast food. And Jenna will cover for you, right?”

“Yeah! We’ll just say that you were at my house… or at that championship party Shane’s throwing right now.” Jenna reassures him, and he nods a little bit more confidently.

He climbs into the passenger seat while the rest of them get into the back seat (and Pete ends up having to sit on Patrick’s lap, but that’s a situation that Pete feels lucky to be in, because he keeps grinding down and making Patrick flustered), and he tries not to freak out when he sees his parents pulling out of the parking lot as well.

“…How about we put on some Grouplove? You like Grouplove, right Tyler?” Hayley asks, and Tyler nods- he likes Grouplove enough.

And then the rest of the night is like a dream. Josh had packed some blankets and sweaters, so they all eat their burritos and tacos in the back of the pick-up truck, which is parked next to a really shady looking van, but none of them mention anything about it. And Hayley has a playlist playing on her phone, and she made some makeshift speakers, and Tyler feels so in love. He’s eating his taco (with _no tomatoes_ ) from Taco Bell (“ _Food like this could only come from above_ ”), and he’s leaning against Josh in the back of his truck, and all of his friends are there with him, and he feels really good. Like, really good.

And he knows he’s going to have to go to church tomorrow and he knows that he’s going to have to go home to his shitty family (minus his siblings… he loves his siblings), and he knows that technically it’s Saturday and he totally hasn’t come to a decision about what to do about the abuse but… he can worry about that stuff later.

Right now, he only thing (well, _person_ ) he’s worried about is Pete, since he’s trying (and failing) to deep throat a burrito.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me talking to my 11 year old brother about basketball at 1:30am:  
> me: so, jsut wondering... if the one team is about to lose, do they put their best player on the court by himself and let him make the shot? by himself?  
> raja: what.... no....  
> me: so... everyone has to be with the captain? the captain can't be by himself? like the captain cant make the shot himself?  
> raja:....why?  
> me: because i need to know right now can you hurry up  
> raja: well at least 5 players have to be on the court, it cant just be one person  
> me: are you sure? it can't be one person?  
> raja: ...yeah im sure... 
> 
> so if any of this was wrong, blame RAJA. 
> 
> and hey pals! so i was like REALLY emo about not seeing 21p tonight and tomorrow night. like REALLY emo i cried about it like every night for like 4 days straight because i, personally, love crying! but writing this made it a little better? like yeah MSG is just a 40 minute train ride away from my house and yeah i'd die for the Ugly Boys (or should i say 'live' lmao) but...I WROTE THE JOSHLER KISS! which isnt as satisfying as a 21p concert but it's pretty close! kinda! i mean im going in january (THANKS TO LILLY???!?!??!?) so it's not like im never seeing them but... it would have been cool to see the closing show for ERS you know? this is such a huge milestone in their career and i feel like i wanna be there for it! tyler's playing at MSG and it's not for basketball!! it's for TWENTY ONE PILOTS. idk! im so! upset! by! this! but,,, january 20th lit! it's like 420 lit, but 120 lit.


	27. Chapter 27

There are many perks to having a dog, in Pete’s opinion: they’re super adorable, you can feed your leftover food to them (okay, Pete’s not sure if he should be doing that, but Hemingway hasn’t died yet, so…), and last but definitely not least, when you’re pissed at your parents and want to storm out of the house, you can walk your dog and get one of your chores out of the way.

So, that’s what Pete’s doing now- one hand is steady on Hemingway’s leash, and the other is gripping his phone, which is pressed to his ear. He’s almost positive he looks like an idiot, considering the fact that he’s yelling into his iPhone, and he’s walking around at noon wearing Batman pajamas and his little sister’s Big Time Rush tee-shirt from about 4 years ago.

“Patrick?” Pete says into his phone, furrowing his eyebrows a little, “Are you still there, Ricks?”

It was probably a bad idea to call Patrick, considering Patrick doesn’t get up on the weekends until at least 3 in the afternoon, but it was one of _those_ mornings, meaning that Pete sort of felt like throwing himself in front of the next car that passed by. It sounds horribly cheesey, but just hearing Patrick’s voice makes Pete feel a little better, even if Patrick’s hardly conscious.

“ _Huh? Oh… oh yeah. Sorry. Okay, where were you again? Sorry_.” Patrick says, tiredly, and Pete hears him yawn over the phone. “ _I went to bed at, like, 8 this morning. I heard my mom get up to go grocery shopping around 7, and… okay, wait, I’m getting side-tracked. Your parents, right? What did your parents say_?”

“Some stupid shit.” Pete says, before Patrick scoffs. “ _Well, yeah. What kind of stupid shit_?”

“They… fuck, they’re always fucking riding my dick! Okay, that… that didn’t come out right, but you know what I mean! It’s, like, I get up early, and I want to help out around the house, because I was in a good mood, and then they just start on me, you know? It’s like, oh, Peter, why aren’t you coming to church with us, why don’t you come to church with us, the rest of us are going, you’re so ungrateful, you act like you’re not of this family, you don’t do anything around the house, you just sit around doing nothing, you need to study, you need to get a job,-“

“ _Well, I mean, it’s early in the morning, you’re already up, and you went last week, maybe they just assumed_ -“

“And okay, so I didn’t go with them because I don’t give a shit about God, duh, and I had to study for the SAT anyways, and so I just studied, I sat at the table, and I studied, so I can get the fuck out of here and go to college in, like, New York and get the fuck away from _him_ , but then they got home and then they got pissed that I didn’t clean the house. Even though I was doing what they literally fucking asked me to do! I’d blow my fucking brains out but knowing my fucking family, they’d probably be pissed my fucking brains were all over the place!” Pete shouts, before he closes his eyes and runs his hands down his face as best as he can, considering he’s still walking Hemingway and still has his phone in his hands.

Patrick’s silent over the phone, and Pete pulls his phone away from his face and he blinks at the screen for a second, before he brings it back to his ear. “Oh my God, did you fall asleep?”

There’s no response again, so Pete calls his name a couple more times, hoping that he wakes up, but to no avail. So he just sighs, and he says softly, “Alright, I guess you’re asleep. Sorry for yelling at you. Love you.” And then he ends the call before he shoves his phone back in his phone pocket and says out loud, “Hemingway, you wouldn’t eat my white matter if I shot myself, right?”

And obviously, Hemingway doesn’t reply, so Pete smiles grimly to himself. He briefly considers calling Hayley and Josh, but a little voice in the back of his head says that if Patrick fell asleep during his rant, Hayley and Josh would too, and normally Pete would ignore it, but… it’s one of _those_ mornings. So he just lifts his head and looks around at the houses and the street signs and up at the clear blue sky.

It looks oddly familiar, the route that Hemingway is leading Pete down; technically Pete should be paying more attention to where they’re going, considering Hemingway could be leading them somewhere Pete doesn’t know, but between the phone call and self-deprecating thoughts, Pete couldn’t be bothered. But now that he’s paying attention, he knows where they’re headed. The church.

If Pete squints his eyes, he can make out the shape out of the building- it’s a couple of blocks away. And he’s about to tug on Hemingway’s leash, so that they can go over to the park, because there’s literally no place Pete would rather _not_ be in, than that stupid church,  but then something pops in his mind that makes him pause.

Technically, Pete still has that recording of Tyler’s mom yelling and hitting him on his phone. And technically, Pete’s headed over to the church right now. And this isn’t a technicality- Pete definitely does not want that recording on his phone.

Like, just thinking about it sends a chill down Pete’s spine- everything about it was so eerie, from the dark hallways and the red orange light that seeped through the dusty windows, the way Tyler’s mom’s slap echoed, like it was a sound effect in a cheesey movie. Everything about it was so unsettling, and that’s not even covering the things that she said.

And on one hand, Pete would rather just send the recording over to Josh, and let him handle it because… that’s just the way these things go, but on the other hand, it’s Pete’s phone, and Pete’s already on the way there (he’d bet his life that Jenna and Tyler were still in the church probably like.. singing some gospel songs together), so… he figures he should seize the opportunity.

“Wanna go on an adventure, Hemmy?” Pete asks Hemingway, and this time Hemingway barks in response, so Pete grins to himself as he says back, “Maybe I can feed you a bible, or something…”

Soon enough, Pete and Hemingway are a couple of feet away from the church- Pete can see Jenna watering some flowers in the front of the church, so that gives him some hope that Tyler’s still inside somewhere. “Yo, Jenny!” He calls out, and Jenna jumps up a little, before she turns around and squints her eyes a little. “Pete?”

“Yeah, hey!” Pete says once he’s close enough to Jenna to not have to scream to get her attention. He lets go of Hemingway’s leash when he sees Hemingway approach Jenna, and she kneels down on the ground so that she can pet him, but she looks up at Pete as she says “Pete, I love your shirt, holy shiitake mushrooms, I saw Big Time Rush live, like, 4 times! Logan is my favorite, he’s so cute, and-“

“Dude, it’s not my shirt, it’s my little sister’s.” Pete says slowly, and Jenna blinks at him, and says awkwardly, “Oh… obviously… Teenagers don’t listen to Big Time Rush… right.” And then she clears her throat. “Anyways, your dog is so cute, what’s his name?”

“Hemingway.” Pete leans down to scratch behind Hemingway’s ears, and Jenna scrunches up her nose a little, making a face. “Like… Ernest Hemingway?”

“Duh. Ernie’s my dad.” And Pete grins when Jenna makes yet another face. “Ugh. Anyways, what’s up? Not that you can’t stop by randomly and visit, but like… you’re in your pajamas.”

Pete shrugs a little, before he says tentatively, “Actually, I was kind of looking for Tyler? If he’s still here?”, and Jenna nods. “Yeah, he’s helping clean up down in the kitchen. You could probably just go down there though, no one’s gonna bother you…” She says, before she hugs Hemingway a little closer to her. “And I wanna hang out with your dog. So… go away.”

Pete opens his mouth to disagree, since he’s almost positive he’ll look crazy if he walks in there wearing a BTR shirt, but Hemingway’s already falling asleep in Jenna’s lap, so he just sighs. “Alright. If he pees on you, I’m not buying you a new dress.”

Jenna rolls her eyes a little, and she flips him off right before he walks through the front doors of the church. And Jenna’s right- no one seems to really care that Pete’s hair is sticking up at odd angles and he’s wearing his pajamas, they just smile politely at him. It sort of calms his nerves a little, makes him feel like he’s not intruding in somewhere where he’s not supposed to be. But anyways- he walks down to the first floor, and walks through aisles of plastic tables and chairs to get to where the kitchen is.

He peeks his head through the pass-through window, and he notices Tyler sitting on top of one of the counters near to the kitchen sink, playing the ukulele, an instrument he didn’t even know Tyler played, so before he can stop himself, he yells out “Dude, what the fuck, you play the ukulele?”

Tyler looks up at the sound of Pete’s voice, and he blinks at Pete like he’s not even sure he’s really there. Pete gives him a small wave, and Tyler waves back, “Er… yeah… is Josh here?”

 _Wow_ , Pete thinks. _Someone’s happy to see me_.

“Uh, no. It’s just me.” Pete laughs nervously, before he clears his throat. “Can I, um, come in?”

But Pete doesn’t even wait for Tyler to respond- he just walks around the wall and straight into the kitchen. It’s sort of a mess, like Tyler didn’t even bother to clean up, but Pete ignores it for the most part and hops up on the counter across from Tyler. Tyler just blinks at Pete.

“I kinda have to talk to you. About some stuff.” Pete says, and Tyler keeps giving him that _odd_ look. It’s sort of weird that this is the same Tyler that was all smiles and giggles last night in Josh’s truck, but Pete can relate in a way- things feel a lot brighter when Patrick’s around, as unhealthy and codependent as that sounds.

“About Josh?” Tyler asks, and Pete rolls his eyes. “No, not about Josh. I, um… I have this thing. On my phone.” He tries to explain, and Tyler shifts a little in his spot. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe Pete really should have consulted Josh about this. Like… how do people even talk to Tyler?

“Oh,” Tyler says, and he clutches his ukulele a little closer to his body, almost like a shield. "What is it?”

“It’s this recording. Um, hold on,” Pete reaches into his pocket, and he takes out his phone, unlocks it, and opens up the videos app, before he hands it over to Tyler. “Yesterday, um, when Josh went to go check on you? Well, I had to pee really bad, those sodas they sell are so big, seriously, but anyways, I had to pee, so I went with him. And then… well, then we heard your Mom. And we freaked the fuck out, and I didn’t know what to do, but-“

“Wait.” Tyler says, wide-eyed. He presses the ‘play’ button, and he gets through the first sentence, ‘ _I don’t understand this, Tyler! I just don’t understand_!’, before he shuts it off, and hands Pete’s phone back to him, shuddering a little. “So… you want me to what? Show this to someone?” Tyler asks, and Pete nods slowly, “Well… yeah. I got everything, you know? There would be no, like, denying it or anything, Josh and I are your witnesses, bro. Plus, there’s probably school cameras that could confirm it’s you and your mom, that’s literally all the proof you’re gonna need, and-“

“Isn’t recording if you’re not party to the conversation illegal?” Tyler asks, and Pete fights every urge in his body not to roll his eyes. “Yeah, probably, but this is… like, this isn’t… this is abuse, dude. I don’t think abusing your kids looks so nice in the eyes of the government either. Why- is that your biggest problem with this?”

If this were anyone else, Pete would have probably already hit them over the head. But it’s different because this is _Tyler_. Tyler, who Pete’s never even had an individual conversation with before, much less about something this serious. So, yeah, it was probably a bad idea for Pete to do this. But also, fuck it, this is his best friend’s boyfriend (or… whatever Josh and Tyler are. Pete makes a mental note to remind Josh to fucking establish whatever this is.), and Pete should feel comfortable to talk about things like _why Tyler should take this video and fucking report his parents_ with him.

“Well, no…” Tyler begins to say, before he shifts a little. “I just feel like… I don’t know. You’re going to disagree with me, and it’s stupid, and you’re going to say I’m an idiot.”

“Well, you can’t be sure until you tell me.” Pete says plainly, and Tyler shrugs. “It’s just that… I don’t know. Everyone’s parents say shitty stuff like that sometimes, right? Like it’s shitty, it’s _really_ shitty and I know that but people who report their parents to, like, CPS have actual problems. Like, their parents are way worse than mine, and… I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like a big enough issue to report it.”

“Your parents starve you unless you shoot 500 baskets, Tyler. Five-fucking-hundred. After a long day at school and at practice. That’s pretty fucking horrible, and that’s definitely abuse.”

Tyler chews on his inner cheek for a moment before he says, “Yeah, yeah, I know, but my parents don’t hit… okay, but…” and then he’s quiet.

“I know it seems like all of us are constantly shoving this down your throat, I fucking hate that feeling, but… dude. _Dude_. Just let me send it to you, and if you want to use it, you can use it. And if you need one of us to come with you when you report it, to the police or, like, to the nurse, or something, just ask one of us. I know we don’t really talk but, you know… I, like, _care_ about you? I don’t want to see you get hurt even more than you already are, and not to be _that_ person, but your parents are super homophobic and religious, and _my_ parents are super homophobic and religious, and if you think that they’re gonna accept your sexuality without a fight, you’re wrong, and it’s gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. And adding that on top of the abuse you and your siblings are facing, like, it’s not gonna get better, like at all.”

Tyler’s still quiet, and Pete internally winces a little- maybe it was a little too soon to be so brutally honest. At least Tyler looks like he’s considering what Pete said, but then he says “So, what if I report it, and my parents find out, and-“

“I highly doubt that’ll happen, man. That’s just your mind trying to fuck you over. The worst that’ll happen is that nothing happens, and even then, I doubt nothing will happen." Pete says, trying to sound a little hopeful, but Tyler doesn’t buy it.

“Yeah, but… I’m just a pussy, like just the thought of doing it makes me wanna vomit. And I have this like… I don’t know, voice, I guess, well, no, not I guess, it _is_ a voice in my head, and it’s just like… I can’t convince myself that nothing won’t go wrong. And I know I should, like, do it for Josh, or do it for my siblings, and I wanna, but then this wave of _something_ hits me, and then I can’t anymore.” Tyler says, before he runs his fingers through his hair. “And I don’t want you, or Josh, or Jen, or anyone to do it for me, because it’s not your problem, it’s mine, but every time I convince myself to do it, I can’t.”

Now it’s Pete’s turn to be speechless.

Because he really doesn’t have an answer for Tyler, besides shit that won’t help him, like “ _J_ _ust think about your siblings_ ”, or “ _All of us think  you should do it because it’s the right thing to do_ ”, or “ _That voice will go away, just ignore it_.”. Pete sort of has firsthand experience and a bunch of scars that prove that it takes a lot more than a measly ‘ _Just ignore that voice in your head, that voice that’s constantly with you_!’ to convince Tyler to do something like report his own parents.

Like, it’s gotta sting a little. Pete can see how hard it would be for Tyler, even if the fact that Tyler hasn’t said anything about it to anyone important makes Pete want to rip his skin off.

“Um.” Pete says, just to sort of fill in that silence, and Tyler sighs a little, “Sorry. I’m just really confused with what I want to do, and what I think I want to do, and what my brain wants me to do, and… yeah. But I appreciate you, like, recording it. I guess.”

“Just let me send it to you, alright?” Pete asks, and he hands his phone back over to Tyler. “You don’t even have to do anything with it! You can just keep it if you suddenly have the urge to tell someone, and you need it.”

And Tyler reluctantly agrees- Pete’s not really sure if it’s just because Tyler just wants Pete out of his space or what, but he’s definitely not complaining when he sees that Tyler sent the video to himself.

And this is the part where Pete should just get the fuck out of there and continue walking Hemingway, but for some reason, Pete doesn’t, and he just starts spilling out his guts.

“I, like… I _get_ you, man. I know what it’s like, and I know it’s really fucking hard. Like, no one can even help you out because you feel so helpless and useless, and nothing they say matters because they’re lying to you… I, like, feel you on that. And it’d be hypocritical of me to say that you should listen to what your siblings and your friends and your boyfriend tells you, considering I never fucking did, but… I think you should try to consider what they’re saying, you know?” Pete says, before he jumps off of the counter he was sitting on.

“It’s kind of like what you said after you presented your project. Those shitty ass thoughts are always gonna be there, and you accept that about yourself, but at the same time, at one point you gotta try to learn to reign in those thoughts if they get too dark… it’s kind of like this. Like those voices telling you that everything is gonna fuck up, and you’re like betraying God and shit, like they’re gonna be there always, but you have to at least try and control those things and take back your life. Even though I know that’s not the easiest thing to do, you should at least try, you know? If you don’t try, then…” Pete trails off- he’s not even sure where he was going with that train of thought. And Tyler doesn’t respond, he just kinda gives Pete this pouty, upset look.

So Pete takes that as a cue to leave- he opens his mouth to say goodbye, but then Tyler says in a quiet voice that Pete probably wouldn’t have even heard if it wasn’t so silent in there anyways, “Um, does therapy really work for you?”

Pete raises his eyebrows. “Well… it helps enough. I mean, I like the advice that my friends give enough, but sometimes it really does help hearing from a professional… like, I like having a neutral person there. And they have to listen to me when I rant about shit like my little siblings and my shitty parents and they don’t fall asleep while I do so unlike some people,” (he’s just a little bitter about that) “but I don’t know. I do a lot of shit that gets out my angst, like writing lyrics. Why? Are you thinking about it? You should try it.”

Tyler shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t really like the idea of it, but if it helps you, maybe it might help me too. I mean… we’re kind of similar, right?”

And Pete has to stop his jaw from dropping- he never in a million fucking years thought he’d hear the words ‘ _we’re kind of similar’_ coming out of Tyler Joseph’s mouth in regards to him. But then again, there’s a lot of shit Pete didn’t expect from Tyler.

“Uh…” “I mean… I don’t know. Maybe I’m just making it up, but I don’t know. I mean, you have shitty homophobic religious parents, I have shitty homophobic religious parents, we’re both the oldest sibling and we have this like… _expectation_ to be the most responsible one and this expectation that we have to fix every problem, and we both, um,” Tyler pauses there, and Pete’s sort of thankful.

“Yeah.” Pete says, and then he scratches absentmindedly at his wrist. “But I mean, I guess you’re right. We do have a lot in common. Huh.”

“Yeah… but anyways… I guess I’ll check it out.” Tyler says, before he adds “And, er, thank you. By the way. It means a lot that you’d give this to me, and whatnot. To be honest, I didn’t think you liked me that much.”

“Really?” Pete asks, even though it sort of makes sense- it’s not like Pete and Tyler have ever really even talked. “Yeah, I thought you and Patrick hated me up until, like, 2 days ago.”

Pete cracks a small smile, and he shrugs “We definitely don’t hate you. Plus, you’re, like, Josh’s boyfriend, or something, and I know Josh wouldn’t date an asshole.” and then he sort of moves closer to Tyler, to give him, like, a hug or something, just because it seems like the right thing to do. But then Tyler gives him another weird look, so he moves back a little.

“Um. Anyways, I’m just gonna go back upstairs? My dog is with Jenna, and I think she’s gonna steal him away, so…” Pete says, but then Tyler’s face practically lights up. “You have a dog?”

“What? Oh, yeah. Hemingway. Do you wanna meet him?" “Like Ernest Hemingway?” “Yeah, Ernie’s my dad."

And that’s how Pete, Jenna, and Tyler ended up sitting outside of the church for a while, just talking about life and Pete’s birthday plans (because he’s turning 17 in a week and half?!), and listening to Big Time Rush (“ _Pete, I’m sorry, but I need to play some Big Time Rush right now. Logan is staring into my soul, and he’s begging me to play his music_.”). And it’s sort of odd, because again, Pete never thought he’d even enjoy being in Jenna Black and Tyler Joseph’s presence, and yet here... he is, actually having conversations with them, and _liking_ it. Weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! so i know it's been like... 2 weeks since i last updated :// idk man,,,, like i had the idea for the chapter like a day after i came out with the last chapter (my Peak, tbh) but i had no idea how to execute it/write it??? like i knew i wanted pete and tyler to talk but that was kinda it. and plus my cousin just got married so i was really Stressed Out(tm) with just getting things together and we had to travel for the wedding and ya it was just a bunch of life stuff that got in the way. but anyways, i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter even tho this is :))) the Worst(tm). hopefully next chapter will be better and will include everyone, like damn... me, writes the joshler kiss and then doesnt even include josh in the next chapter.
> 
> and tysm for 1200++ kudos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????!???????? thanks so much :(((( i dont deserve it haha but im so glad that??? you guys like it enough to kudos it and comment and just aaaaa!!!


	28. Chapter 28

“ _You’ve made your choice, Tyler. You want to fuck up your whole future to be a faggot, go ahead. But your father and I won’t be part of this… this lifestyle that you’ve chosen_.”

Jenna sort of does a full body wince, and she hands Tyler’s phone back over to him with a grimace, “That’s fucking horrible, Ty. What do you think she meant by that? …she’s not kicking you out, is she? I mean, you could totally stay by my place, um, probably, but…”

It’s weird. Tyler’s not exactly sure what his mother meant by that, considering they haven’t told him to pack his bags yet but there’s definitely a shift in the relationship. It seems so subtle, like the way that his parents disregarded him when they were giving peace, the way that his mother’s eyes passed him so easily when they were walking out of the house, like he wasn’t even there, the way that this father didn’t ask Tyler if he was staying to help out around the church, he just left, and he hadn’t called and asked where he was, or anything! It was like he didn’t even exist, and it sounds warped and crazy and fucked up, but there’s a small part of Tyler that wishes that his father would push him around and beat him, because then they would act like he was there.

It’s only been 12 hours, and Tyler feels so lonely. Like, he knows that he’s _there_ , and his siblings still talk to him, and everything, but his parents don’t even act like he’s there. He’s like a ‘Blurryface’ in their own minds, just a nuisance bringing them down.

“I don’t know.” Tyler mumbles, as he puts his phone back in his pocket. “It just feels like everything’s changed. And I don’t know… I don’t know, on one hand I’m ecstatic because Josh and I kissed, and everything feels so good there, but on the other hand, my family pretends like I’m not even there, like they can’t wait for the second that senior year ends because then I can kicked out of their house and it wouldn’t look suspicious to anyone, and I don’t know what to fucking feel right now, I feel empty.”

After Tyler says that, he cringes a little in his head, but that’s honest to God how he feels- he just feels like there’s a whole fucking hole in his heart where his parents should be. His parents always told him that family was the most important thing in the world, and here he was, fucking it all up. And he feels so guilty, so _fucking_ guilty for being happy. Like, he should feel completely horrible that he’s disappointing his parents, yet part of himself is jumping up in happiness, because Josh likes him, Josh kissed him, Josh this, Josh that, and that’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but Pete and everyone says that his parents are wrong, and that he should report his parents, and he knows he should, and everything is so fucking confusing.

He feels so confused. So confused. Every time he tries to work things out in his head, he comes up with a new problem, he remembers something that he should be upset about, and then he’s back at Square One, which goes a little something like:

_My parents are wrong because they forced me to do things I didn’t want to do and if I didn’t do them, I’d be deprived of something necessary. But they said they know best, and I’ve been told ever since I’ve been born, basically, that they do everything to benefit me. So, if I report them, I’d be punishing them for doing something good for me, something that worked, considering I made the basket and won the game. So, I’d be the bad guy, and my parents would hate me, and God would be disappointed that I did all of that because I was gay, something that I could have easily hid, but if that’s the way that God made me, then shouldn’t I embrace that? But that doesn’t change the fact that I reported them, and that’s wrong, and if I do that, then my siblings and I will probably be away from Josh, the reason I did all of this in the first place, or I’d stay with my Grandma, who would hate me for locking up her son and his wife, but then I’d be with Josh, but me being with Josh would make her hate me even more, and then she’d probably abuse us too because that’s what the voice in my head said, even though Pete said that I should overcome it, but what if I can’t, and Pete hates me too, and then all of them start to hate me because I’m the worst person on the entire fucking planet and everyone who loves me will eventually leave me just like my parents did._

Yeah. Square One.

“Um.” Jenna says, and then Tyler looks over to her, and she looks over to him, and they share this sort of look, like ‘ _there’s really nothing you can say to make this better, so we should just walk home in silence_ ’, so that’s what they do for the most part. Jenna kicks rocks and braids and unbraids the same blue section of her hair, and Tyler just thinks, and thinks, and thinks, and tries to make sense of everything and come to a decision, because the last thing he needs is his siblings being disappointed in him, but it doesn’t work.

This continues for another 15 minutes, the amount of time it takes for Tyler get home, and Tyler opens his mouth to say goodbye to Jenna, but she beats him to it, “Tyler, um, before you go… well, I hope you feel better, okay? And if anything happens, y’know, _yeah_ , you can come over, and I’ll convince my parents to let you stay, or something, okay? Let me know if you need anything, because I love you, y’know, and… okay, bye.” She says, before she gives him a small smile and she touches his hand for a second, like an act of comfort, and then she keeps walking.

“ _Jenna said she loved me, and then she left me… everyone leaves me…_ ” He thinks momentarily, before he frowns, “ _Okay, well, that doesn't really count because she had to go home… but still, she probably hated every second of walking with me.”_

Anyways- he walks into his house, puts his shoes where he’s supposed to, and he doesn’t even bother calling out that he’s home, because he’s sure that no one cares. He just walks up to his room, where Zack and Maddy were playing Uno on Zack’s bed. But Tyler can’t even bring himself to say ‘hi’ to them, because he’s so fucking exhausted, and he throws himself into his own bed, burying himself under the covers.

“Where were you, Tyler? Zack and I were so worried!” Maddy exclaims, before Tyler laughs crudely, still under the covers. “I bet mom and dad weren’t worried, were they?”

“Mom and dad are stupid as fuck.” Zack says, in a hushed whisper, before he pulls the covers off of Tyler’s head. “You still matter to us.” He says, in a pointed voice, and Maddy nods.

“Right.” Tyler says half-heartedly. “I just want to sleep, guys. Can we talk later?”

“But Tyler… you said you would…” She trails off, mostly because she knows that Tyler knows what she’s talking about, and she sits on Tyler’s bed as she says, “We just, um…”

“Can I just go to bed?” Tyler asks, snappily, and he pulls the covers back over his head, so that neither of them can see the tears that are already starting to form. The decision to tell someone should be so easy, Tyler has so much ‘evidence’ on his hands, and his siblings want him to tell, but he doesn’t know how to even describe the amount of ‘ _I can’t’_ that he feels.

“Tyler, we don’t have all the time in the world. We don’t wanna tell if you don’t wanna tell because you’re our older brother and you know what’s best, but…” Maddy says, and then Tyler comes back out from under the covers (again) to say, “It’s not easy! These are our parents! Why don’t you guys understand that?! How can I do that to them?!”

It feels so bad now, and he feels like he’s going to die, with the way that he’s breathing harshly- he feels like everything is caving in on him, like the walls are slowly but surely moving closer and closer to him.

And even when Maddy and Zack try to calm him down and tell him to take deep breaths, and tell him that everything is going to be okay, he knows that they’re _not_ going to be okay. He knows that there is no ‘ _fight it, take the pain, ignite it’_ , because he can’t find it himself to breathe properly, nevertheless fight all of the pain he feels.

* * *

“Wow guys,” Patrick says in a slow, monotone voice, “thanks for joining Pete and I on _our_ date. Really. I totally love the fact that you both are here. Totally.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up. You don’t own the library!” Hayley hisses, before she throws a pencil at Patrick’s chest. “Plus- I need Pete to help me on the English section of the practice SAT, and I need your help on the Math section, so…”

It’s one hell of a place to have a date, but with the SATs coming up, everyone was sitting in the library, studying. Thankfully, Pete and Patrick chose a table near the corner of the library (probably so that they could make out), so the 4 of them were able to talk as freely as they wanted to, as long as they weren’t shouting at the top of their lungs, of course.

“I don’t wanna do this now that you’re all here, though,” Pete says, before he wraps an arm around Patrick’s shoulder. Patrick leans into Pete’s touch, and Pete adds, “I wanna talk about Tyler Joseph.”

Josh looks up from peeling the wrapper on his water bottle at the mention of Tyler’s name, and he asks why Pete would wanna talk about Tyler, mostly because… why would Pete wanna talk about Tyler?

“So, after Patrick totally fell asleep on the phone with me-“ “It was an accident! You know I’ll make it up later when it’s just the two of us…” “Ugh, please. This is making me sick.” “You’re just jealous that Patrick and I are getting more action than you, Hayley.” “Jenna and I haven’t even been dating for a week, Pete?!”

“Okay, guys, Tyler? Right?” Josh asks, impatiently, and Pete says, “Right, yeah! So, I showed Tyler that recording-“

Josh swears on his life that he hears one of those record scratches, like in the movies. “Wait, you did what?! Why?!”

“Wait, the video where Tyler’s mom… why did you do that? Shouldn’t Josh have handled that?” Patrick asks, and Pete frowns. “What, are none of us allowed to ever interact with your boyfriend or whatever the fuck he is to you, Josh?”

“Well, yeah, but… Pete, geez, what did you do? Is he okay? Did he cry? Was he upset? Was-“ “Joshie, dude, are you his boyfriend or his mom? Wait, sorry, bad comparison….”

They sit in silence for a second, just wincing at the thought, and then Pete continues his point, “I’ll have you know that we talked it out, and I tried to convince him the best that I could that he should use it against his parents. I even told him to change the name of the video to, like, the name of a gospel song in case his parents try to check that shit out. And then it got kinda weird, because Tyler said that we were kinda alike and… dude, Tyler and I are kinda alike! And actually, I spent like an hour or something just sitting outside with Jenna and Tyler just talking, it was fun. Anyways, dude, calm the fuck down. I’m sure Tyler’s fine.”

Not that Pete could possibly know, but Tyler was definitely not okay.

“Okay.” Josh says, finally, and he adds, “I guess it’s good that you guys get to know him, right?”

“Yeah man. Things got real emo. I almost cried, man. It was deep.” And then Hayley laughs a little, “Dude, you said ‘man’ twice in that sentence.” “What can I say, man? I say man when things get awkward, man.” “Totally, man.”

“Wait,” Patrick interjects, “so _is_ Tyler your boyfriend?”

“Oh yeah!” Hayley exclaims. “It’d be cool if you guys… like, established that relationship.”

Josh sort of hates his friends. Of course, in the midst of all of this, they’re concerned about the status of his relationship with Tyler. And he opens his mouth to tell them that Tyler’s his boyfriend, because… Tyler’s definitely more than a friend, and Josh doesn’t kiss people unless they are more than a friend, but then he realizes that they’re right: Neither of them have properly asked the other one out. They just… know that they really, really, really, like each other, and they kiss, and _yeah_.

“I don’t know actually. I mean, I want to be his boyfriend, I want him to be my boyfriend, but it’s too much right now… There’s so much crap going on, I’m sure I’m not the first thing on his mind, you know? I’ll just… ask when all of this is done.” Josh says, before he leans down and rests his head on the table. “I just wanna be with him. All of the time. I don’t care… well, I _do_ care, but it doesn’t matter if I’m with him as a boyfriend or his friend right now, because he needs someone there.”

And then he frowns. “And I’m not even there with him. I’m here with you guys.”

Josh used to hate when Pete and Patrick would ditch him and Hayley to hang out, and he knows that Hayley used to get really upset by it too, even before Josh was in the picture, but now… he honestly gets it. Because Josh loves his friends (even though they frequently get on his last nerve) and he loves spending time with them, but there’s just something about Tyler that makes Josh want to spend every waking moment with him. He’s not sure if it’s love ( _God_ , he thinks, _the ‘L’ word? Really?_ ), or whatever, but Josh would do anything right now to be with Tyler, and talk to Tyler, and just be with him, and kiss him, and like. _Smell_ him, the way that Tyler always smells vaguely vanilla but also vaguely sweaty, and it’s kinda weird but it’s kinda Tyler so it doesn’t even matter.

Josh is sort of head over heels.

“So why aren’t you with ya mans?” Pete asks, before he sucks in his breath through his teeth, “Actually he’s probably home, and his parents would probably decapitate you if they saw you.”

“Pete, come on…” Patrick tries to reason with him, and Pete throws his hands up to surrender, “I’m just saying! I’m taking back my statement- do _not_ go over there.”

Hayley nods quickly, almost like she can see the gears turning in Josh’s head. “I agree with Pete. Don’t, like, scale the side of his house and climb onto his balcony, HSM style. I still can’t believe Gabriella’s parents didn’t hear Drew Seeley’s singing from inside of the house.”

“Tyler doesn’t have a balcony. And I don’t even know which room is his… yeah, you’re right. God, this is stupid. I feel crazy.” Josh leans back in his seat, and he throws his head back, closing his eyes, like that would give him the strength to think rationally.

“Crazy in love, dude.” Pete says, before he starts shimmying his shoulders in his seat a little, ignoring the looks that all 3 of them give him, “Wow, I can’t believe Beyonce created the concept of love when she made that song with Jay-Z.”

“Remember when they covered that on Glee?” Hayley asks, and Pete makes a face, “Yeah, they shouldn’t have done that. Anyways, back to Josh! Dude, you’re in love.”

“Isn’t it too soon, though?” Josh asks, but he doesn’t really deny it… there’s just something about Tyler that Josh can’t put his finger on, and if he adds the word ‘love’ in there, it just sort of makes sense. But Josh has never really ‘been in love’, and people always say that you ‘ _know’_ when you’re in love, but much like Tyler, Josh is just confused. And he’s suddenly yearning to say the words ‘I love you, Tyler’ to, well, Tyler. Duh.

“Is there really ‘too soon’?” Pete asks, before Patrick tilts his head to the side and says, “Wellllll, I don’t think you should run around telling everyone that you love them. But… ugh, nevermind.”

“No, what?” Pete asks, and he smiles like he knows something that no one else knows. “You guys are gonna make fun of me, it’s cheesey!”

“Tell us, tell us!” Hayley chants, and Josh joins in once he realizes that Patrick’s blushing. “Okay! Okay! I knew I was in love with Pete the second I looked at him. I don’t know, there’s surprisingly something so lovable about his ugly face.” Patrick says jokingly, and Pete scrunches up his nose a little, “I hate you.” “And I hate you.” and then Pete pulls Patrick in for a kiss.

Hayley and Josh both glance at each other with grimaces at all of the sounds, and Josh eventually has to kick one of them to get them to stop when it becomes too much to bare. “Guys!”

“Sorry! Sorry!” Patrick says, wiping his mouth and taking in a deep breath. “Anyways, where were we? Josh is in love? Right?”

“Yup, pretty much. Anyways, can we get some studying done?” Hayley asks, because they’ve been sitting for about 15 minutes doing absolutely nothing. And Josh fully intended on studying, but he takes out his phone to text his mom that he’ll be out late, and suddenly, he’s greeted from 6 calls from Tyler, and a whole bunch of text messages. “Holy shit. I have like 6 missed calls from Tyler. Shit, do you think anything—hold on, I’m gonna go outside and call him, I’ll be back.” and then Josh jumps out of his seat and runs outside.

And everyone looks at each other with uneasy looks, because 6 missed calls can never be a good sign, but then Pete tries to lighten the mood by saying in a sing-songy voice, “ _Got me hoping you'll page me right now_?”

* * *

Even though sleeping things off tends to help Tyler a lot, when Tyler wakes up from his nap, he only feels even more disassociated than when he woke up. No one is in his room, and judging from the time, everyone probably went down for dinner, which only makes Tyler feel even more shitty. Tyler’s used to going to bed without food, and it’s made him feel horrible, but just knowing that his parents did it with the best of intentions made that a little better. Now, it just feels even worse. Part of him liked being brainwashed, as horrible as that sounds. That way he didn't feel so bad and he didn't have to do all of this to fix it. 

Anyways- Tyler takes the opportunity of no one being around to go into the bathroom and brush his teeth and wash up in peace, knowing that no one will be waiting outside of the door or anything. He tip-toes back into his room, the sound of ‘Blurryface’ spewing bullshit in his head masking the sound of the quiet chatter in the dining room.

He checks his phone, and Josh called him back only a minute or two ago, but Blurryface says something along the lines of, ‘ _he’s just calling you to tell you that he hates you’,_ so he just throws his phone on the bed and he takes out a couple of books, walks over to his desk, and he tries to study a little.

Of course it doesn’t work, but Tyler reads the same page over and over, fooling himself into thinking it does.

That goes on for some time, until Tyler hears something knocking on his window. So, he looks over, and he literally jumps out of his seat when he sees who’s peering at him through his window- on the _second_ floor of his house.

It’s fucking _Josh_.

Tyler’s eyes widen, and he quickly walks over to the window. “What the fuck are you doing?!” Tyler hisses, and Josh blinks at him, “You weren’t answering my calls, and you called, like, 8 times-“ “6.” “and I was just worried!”

“You… fuck, you climbed up here? What if this wasn’t my room? Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

“ _Because he hates you_.” ‘Blurryface’ says. Tyler closes his eyes for a second in an attempt to erase that thought, and maybe in an attempt at erasing Josh leaning against his window-sill, the rest of his body on the small ledge leading to the roof.

“I already asked Jenna which one was yours, and I was at the library, my phone was on silent, I swear I wasn’t ignoring you, I swear. Can I come in?”

“Can you come in?” Tyler asks, sort of scandalized even though he wants nothing more now. _Josh wasn’t ignoring him, he was at the library and his phone was on silent, and Josh always knows what to say, and Josh._

“Can’t you lock the door?” Josh asks, genuinely innocent, and Tyler shakes his head. “I don’t want any of them suspecting anything. Let’s hide in my closet.”

And then Tyler sort of pulls Josh into his room as quietly as he can- Tyler is the athlete, anyways. And Josh hates the irony of that, y’know, Tyler and Josh in the closet, but he can’t really say ‘no’ anymore. Just looking at Tyler makes his heart flutter.

Tyler takes Josh’s hand, and they just do that- Tyler opens the closet door, and they walk in, and then Tyler closes it back. The closet is sort of big, and it smells so much like Tyler that Josh sort of wants to bathe it in, as creepy as that sounds. Tyler pulls Josh down until they’re both sitting down on the floor, in the darkness, and Tyler keeps his hold on Josh’s hands, like they’re the only proof that Josh is really there, besides his voice. It’s so dark, but just touching each other makes them feel close enough.

“Josh… Josh, I’m so confused.” Tyler says, before Josh can even apologize until he’s blue in the face about the fact that his phone was on silent, even though he knows that Tyler knows that it wasn’t his fault. Josh just feels horrible about it.

“Why are you confused?” Josh asked, and he hears Tyler take a deep breath. “I just… fuck, Josh, you know? Everything just feels like fucking shit. I feel like I’m losing my mind.” He sniffles a little, and when Josh brings his hands up to Tyler’s face, he feels wetness on his fingers. “I don’t know what to do, because everything I do is wrong, you know? There’s always something that could go wrong, and it’d be all my fault, and I just can’t deal with that, Josh, y’know I would already be screwing over my parents, and they’d hate me forever, and then what if I fuck everything up, and it all would have been for nothing, and… my parents hate me and they’re completely ignoring me, and my siblings probably hate me too because I can’t… I can’t come up with a fucking decision, a-and you…”

He pauses there, hiccuping a little, and he lets go of Josh’s hands to latch onto his shirt, and he sort of buries his face in Josh’s neck, “you would hate me too if I didn’t do this because I wouldn’t have conquered m-m-my demons! Y-you know? And I don’t want you t-to hate me, Josh, I love you so much, and everyone I love leaves me and hates me, and-“ and then he just stops there, he just kind of continues to cry, and he feels so fucking pathetic, because he’s making a total fool of himself, and he sort of just told Josh that he was in love with him, and everything’s just a mess.

Josh wraps his arms around Tyler’s back, eventually, and he says soothingly, “Hey, hey, hey, it’s gonna okay, Tyler, don’t worry.” But Tyler shakes his head, peeling himself off of Josh so that he’s sitting across from him, “No, Josh.” He says, and he sounds choked up and stuffy, “ _No_ , no it’s not gonna be okay.”

“It is. It _is_ , I promise you. And even if it’s not, for any reason, I’ll be right here, okay? I’m not gonna leave you.” Josh says, and Tyler sniffles again, bringing his hand up to wipe his tears. “We’re not even dating, Josh! You’re gonna find someone who isn’t as fucking crazy as me!”

“Well, do you want to date? Do you wanna be my boyfriend?” Josh asks, and it’s such bad timing, because Tyler’s still crying, and Josh can’t even see him, but Josh couldn’t help it- thankfully, the small laugh that Tyler gives seems to work in his favor. “Really? But what if I let you down, Josh, because it’s gonna happen, and you’ll hate me, and-“

“ _Stop_ , Tyler. I’m, like, in love with you. I don’t care if you let me down once in a while, we all make mistakes, okay? And either way, I know it’s not easy to just ignore something you’ve been told your whole life, and I know that mental illness isn’t something that can be saved by love or whatever, but I’m gonna be with you for every step of the way, okay?” Josh says, and Tyler makes a small noise in the back of his throat, “You love me?”

And Tyler can hear the smile in Josh’s voice when he says, “Um, yeah. It sounds crazy, but I am.” “Yeah, I am too, I think.” Tyler says, and Josh isn’t sure how the subject changed so abruptly, but it’s not like he’s really complaining. 

“Do you want to rant some more? I can listen.” Josh says, but then he feels Tyler’s lips against his, and he guesses that's a _'let's save it for another time_ '

And Josh knows that it's not always going to be like this, that Tyler's going to actually believe him, but right now Josh has a boyfriend who loves him, and who's kissing him right now, so he doesn't even have time to ponder about the logistics or anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.... the next chapter is gonna be the last one....  
> yeah :/ 
> 
> to be honest, i kinda wanted to end it at ch26, but i didnt want to leave it on the note of his mom saying all of those shit things + ya know. all of the 'i love you' cheesiness was due. but yeah, i kinda know where i wanna go with this AND school is starting back in 3 days (haha... haha... let me die.......) and i'm not sure how much i'm gonna be able to write since the first month of senior yr is supposed to be college central apparently? idk! and i have no idea where i wanna go, what i wanna do, etc. etc., so im not sure how much time im gonna have to write. but dont worry, the last chapter will be good! i think! maybe! who knows with me lmao it might literally be the worst ending in the world but! fingers crossed!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! HOLY CRAP i am so sorry this took forever!!! it was such a dick move and i totally apologize for making you guys wait like 3 weeks for this :/ i was really lost with what i wanted to write and i kept rewriting and erasing and rewriting because nothing felt right but! it's here! the final chapter!
> 
> (ALSO- my favorite person aka lili aka smallghostkid aka author of ETSP aka the best human made a jenna & hayley playlist!! it's http://8tracks.com/smallghostkid/all-i-wanted-was-you !!! pls check it out its so good and i love jeyley (henna)

“So, I think I’m gonna go down to guidance and tell them _you know_ today.” Tyler says, randomly, but conversationally, to Josh, and then he turns to Jenna. “May I have a chip?”

Josh probably wouldn’t have been so shocked to hear those words come out of Tyler’s mouth if Tyler said this the Monday after they made out in Tyler’s closet and talked things out (eventually…), but it’s been _two weeks_. It’s been two weeks since Tyler’s even mentioned telling someone about the abuse, nevertheless mentioning it in the sense of actually _doing_ it.

And that sounds kind of worrying, but everyone was just _busy_. They had their SATs, and they had their final exams, and everyone finally worked up the courage to walk down to get their working permits, so they applied for summer jobs, and it was just a hectic time in and of itself. Tyler didn’t necessarily have time to think about his shitty life when he had to study to get himself out of there, to get his scholarship, and Josh knew that. But still- every night, Josh would ask Tyler if he wanted to talk about ‘ _it’_ , and Tyler never wanted to talk about ‘ _it’_ , and no one wanted to push Tyler when things were already stressful as is, so they just never talked about ‘ _it’_. It was the elephant in the room… except that was everything anyone ever talked about for weeks before.

It was weird, though. Sometimes Josh thinks that he dreamt everything, or something. Like, maybe the whole 500 baskets thing was just some elaborate dream, but then that wouldn’t really explain Tyler kissing him after class, and that wouldn’t really explain the weird looks some of the cheerleaders give Josh when he walks down the hallway right after Tyler takes his breath away. _That’s_ how little they’ve talked about it.

And… okay, it’s not that Josh expects Tyler to tell him every little detail about his life, but… Okay, _yeah_ , Josh is just really used to Tyler telling him every little detail about his life, and so this certainly confuses the shit out of him.

“Yeah, just take the whole bag, I’m kinda full.” Jenna says, and she attempts to throw the bag over to Tyler. And the bag almost ends up hitting Josh, which is what pulls Josh out of his thoughts, but Tyler catches it before it can touch him. “Your aim sucks.” Tyler says, teasingly, and Jenna just sticks her tongue out at him. “Yeah, well, not everyone practices as much as y-“ and then she pauses to wince. “Um.”

“Tyler!” Josh says, quickly, to diffuse the situation, and Tyler turns to look at him, frowning, just as Jenna turns back to her conversation with Hayley, Pete, and Patrick, still wincing a bit.

“Um, what did you… what did you say before? About, like, _telling_?”

“I don’t know… I’ve been thinking.” Tyler says, as he shoves his hand in the bag of chips. “Well, actually, I haven’t really been thinking as much as ‘Blurryface’ won’t stop…” He makes a hand motion that Josh doesn’t really understand, “…and he keeps saying these things, and I just… I just wanna do it, you know? Prove him wrong. And I’ve sort of felt that way for a while, but every time I pass by the guidance office, I feel this wave of something hit me, and then I run the other way, because no, I’m not ready, and ‘Blurryface’ is right, and I’m a pussy, and-“ “You’re not.” Tyler gives Josh a look, like ‘ _yeah, right’_ , and Josh gives him one right back, like _‘I know I’m right_.’

“Anyways- I felt like I couldn’t do it, and I just didn’t, like I didn’t even wanna pass by the office, because I felt like shit, but I don’t know. I feel good, Josh. Like… today is a good day for me.” Tyler says, honestly, and he passes the bag over to Josh. “Chip?”

Josh takes a chip from the bag, despite the fact that he sort of hates Salt and Vinegar, and he listens as Tyler continues, “And I still feel really nervous. Like, I probably shouldn’t be eating these, I feel like I’m gonna puke- yeah, this is probably a bad idea- but it feels different. Like a good kind of nervous. Am I making sense? I’m not making sense.”

“No, you’re making sense, it’s just… why didn’t you tell anyone?” Josh asks, and Tyler blinks at him, before his entire mood shifts, and he says softly, “Are you upset? I didn’t wanna bother you, and-“

Josh shakes his head rapidly, “No, I’m not, trust me!” and Tyler looks a little skeptical, but he visibly relaxes a little, and he shoves his hand back into the bag of chips.

“I didn’t say anything because we were all, y’know, _busy_ and stuff, and I didn’t want to be a bother.”

“You’re not-“

“ _I am_. But anyways, I sort of just… tried to work it out on my own.  Like, um… like in the shower and stuff, because that’s when _it_ starts, and I start freaking out, and I start imagining things, like blood spilling and running down my neck and… sorry.” Tyler says, blinking a little when he realizes that he’s still here, at school, in the music theory room, surrounded by his friends and peers- it feels so inappropriate, talking about things like that here (well, it still feels foreign and inappropriate to talk about them in general, but Josh reaches over and rests his hand on top of Tyler’s, and so Tyler continues.

“Right… yeah, okay, so I just. I want it to stop. But it’s not. I know it’s not, but I want to try. I want to try to actually follow what I preach, or, I guess, what you preach, y’know, ‘ _fight it, take the pain, ignite it’_. I want to try to fight it and I want to tell someone about my parents, and I want to get my siblings and I out of that situation, and I want my siblings to be safe, you know, and… I just want to end all of this shit. Or at least try to stop it. I don’t know if they’ll actually do anything, and I highly doubt me talking about my problems will magically get rid of ‘Blurryface’ but…  I should try. Right?” Tyler looks at Josh with hopeful and desperate eyes, like he desperately wants to believe everything he’s saying.

“I love you.” Josh says, breathless, because his entire body is flooding with something warm, and good, and he’s so proud of Tyler, his best friend, his _boyfriend_ , and Tyler just breaks into a smile, and squeezes Josh’s hand a little tighter. “Yeah, I love you too.”

“I’m like… _wow_ , I’m so proud of you.” Josh says through his beaming smile, and he turns in so that he’s a little closer to Tyler, “And yeah, _yes_ , you should try, I’m so proud of you for wanting to try, and actually wanting to tell, and you… you did it, Tyler?!”

“Well, I mean… I still feel like I’m gonna speed walk past the office, and—do you want to come with me? I mean not in the office, but do you want to walk me down? So that I don’t, y’know, jump out the window on the way there.”

Josh never thinks he’s going to be fully prepared to hear comments like that, so he flinches a little, but he nods nonetheless, “Yeah, of course. Plus, I think everyone’s going over to Party City to pick up some extra cups for the party, and when we go in groups like that, they always think we’re stealing candy, and then I get anxious because I think we look suspicious even though we don’t steal anything? I don’t know. It’s weird. Anyways, _yes_ , I’ll walk you down.”

And then they sort of stare into each other’s eyes and smile at each other.

Unfortunately, their cute moment goes as fast is it came- the bell rings, and the noise startles the both of them, making them jump out of their seats. But if it wasn’t the bell, it would have been Pete exclaiming, “Only one more fucking day left!”

“I don’t get why they made the last day of school a Monday.” Patrick says, as he picks up his bookbag from off the floor, and swings it onto one of his shoulders. “It’s like they want us to be miserable.”

“That’s the fuckin’ point, Ricky. The whole educational system is out to get us. It’s… it’s _homophobic_ that they’re making the last day of school a Monday!”

Josh and Tyler glance at each other, and Tyler raises his eyebrows, but they follow Pete and Patrick out of the classroom all the same, with Hayley and Jenna. The two of them have their pinky fingers linked, and Hayley leans her head on Jenna’s shoulder, as she says, “The universe made the last day of school _not_ on Pete’s birthday party because she’s sending a signal that Pete sucks.”

Pete turns around so that he’s now walking backwards, and he says through a whine, “It’s illegal to be mean to me on my birthday.”

“It’s not your birthday.” Hayley points out, and Pete scowls. “It’s my birth-week, same difference. Anyways,” and then he turns to look at Josh and Tyler, “are you guys coming with us to Party City?”

“Actually, um, Josh and I are gonna go down to the guidance office, I can. You know. Tell them. So maybe we’ll meet you guys at your house?” Tyler says nonchalantly, and everyone stops dead in their tracks.

Like, in the middle of the hallway. A random kid walks straight into Hayley, and people grumble at them as they’re forced to move around them- but none of them necessarily care, because they’re all looking at Tyler like he has another set of eyes, or something.

“Were you gonna… tell any of us?” Jenna asks, and she looks genuinely hurt that Tyler didn’t tell her anything- her eyebrows are furrowed, and she looks over to Josh with a look of disdain, “Did you know?”, before she turns back to Tyler, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Tyler shrugs. “I don’t know. I would have told you at Pete’s, I don’t want it to be that big of a deal, I mean I know it is, but… I don’t know. I don’t wanna second-guess myself.” Tyler says, and he shoves his hands into his pockets, curling in a little on himself. “And I _just_ told Josh, like two seconds ago, it wasn’t like he knew before.”

Jenna’s expression softens a little, and she pulls a piece of hair behind her ear as she says, “Sorry, I’m just being annoying.

But I mean, good luck! Just remember all of us love you, okay?”

“Yeah, Tyler, we love you!” Hayley pipes up, and Pete attempts to say, “We should do a prayer circ-“before Jenna stops him in his tracks, pointing an accusatory finger in his face. “Don’t, Pete. Don’t!”

“Are you nervous?” Patrick asks, ignoring Pete and Jenna’s bickering, and Tyler nods timidly, “Yeah, a little. I feel butterflies in my stomach, but they aren’t even butterflies, they’re like. I don’t know. They don’t feel good. Tapeworms, maybe?”

“Ew.” Jenna and Pete say at the same time, and they turn to look at each other with wide eyes.

“Anyways- I feel really gross inside, but I know I’ll feel worse if I don’t do it.” Tyler says, and it’s simply put- it’s _a lot_ more than that.

He can hear ‘Blurryface’’s voice in the back of his mind, broken phrases and muffled words, and it makes Tyler’s stomach drop every time he lets his mind wander to _those_ thoughts. He tells himself not to think about things going wrong, he tells himself that things will be fine, that he tried his best, but _still_.

“I mean, that’s a better reason than nothing, right?” Patrick says, and he looks over to Pete, who’s back to arguing with Jenna and Hayley about something stupid, before he sighs. “Anyways, we’re probably gonna head out. Good luck, Tyler!"

After that, Patrick and ‘the crew’ go down the next flight of stairs, while Josh and Tyler go the other way, and go down the hall. And Tyler isn’t really saying much, and his grip on Josh’s hand tightens a little, but he looks almost calm? Josh doesn’t really know how to describe it. Like, he knows that Tyler’s really nervous, but not nervous enough to want to back down, and not nervous to want to rant the entire way down. And normally Josh doesn’t really like silence, because he likes talking and listening to music, and occupying himself with something to do, but with Tyler, he doesn’t mind it.  Just having Tyler’s hand intertwined with his feels like enough.

As he realizes that sounds super cheesey but… Josh is a cheesey guy.

“You’re gonna be outside waiting for me, right?” Tyler asks, out of the blue, once they’re a couple of doors away from the guidance office, and Josh stops walking so that he can pull Tyler a little closer, and look him in the eyes. And Tyler looks a little startled, but he leans into Josh’s touch when Josh cups the side of his face, and he bites his lower lip when Josh says, “Of course, Ty. If you ever need me to come in, I’ll be right there, okay?”

“Okay,” Tyler says shakily, and he quickly glances around, before he pulls Josh closer and kisses him.

He didn't really have to glance around though- after Tyler, y’know, _won the championship game for the entire school and whatnot_ , no one really teased him and made fun of him, since everyone knew that, logistically, the only reason they even made the championships was because Tyler was an amazing player.

People still gave them disgusted looks, and Tyler couldn't _not_ hear the stuff they said behind his back, but… that was sort of the least of Tyler’s problems. He cared a lot more about what the people at church said about him, and even then, it was getting sort of ... _old_. The rumors had been going on for a lot longer, and it wasn't anything _new._

It’s like Patrick once said- it’s just an annoyance that Tyler _shouldn't_ have to tolerate, but he’s going to have to learn how to anyways, because some people just don’t change. And Tyler would rather kiss Josh in public and deal with someone calling him something shitty than not kiss Josh and be even more miserable than he already is.

He guesses that’s what romance is.

Anyways- their kiss only lasts a couple of seconds, but when Tyler pulls away, he leans his forehead against Josh’s and he sighs in content. “I’m gonna be okay.” He says, confidently, and Josh nods. “Yeah, you’re gonna be okay.”

* * *

Even though the hallways are sticky with humidity, and everything feels wet and moist and overall pretty disgusting, Tyler would take that over the stale, air-conditioning in the guidance counselor's office.

He hates being cold. And he’s downright fucking freezing right now.

He’s holding his binder close to his chest, and he knows that he’s totally over-reacting, but his teeth are chattering. He has goosebumps, and everything generally feels uncomfortable, a feeling that he definitely doesn’t want to have right before he tells someone who is basically a stranger about things that he doesn’t even want to think about. A stranger who has the power to change everything in his life.

But he supposes it’s super fitting; like, of course this would happen to him, because he’s Tyler, and this is what happens when Tyler tries to do something that will benefit himself.

“ _You should just back out now,_ ” ‘Blurryface’’s voice echoes around in his mind, and Tyler shivers. It feels like he doesn’t even have a brain as much as it’s just this one voice. It doesn’t drown out, it just echoes over and over again.

He turns his head to glance at the time. She said to wait in her office while she finished some errands, and realistically it was, what, a minute ago? But it feels like it’s been hours. And the door is closed, so Tyler can’t see anything outside of this blank, white room, and he can’t hear anything besides his quickening breath, loud, annoying hum of the air conditioner, and ‘ _Blurryface_ ’’s low and static echoing voice and it’s _so cold_. He feels trapped, and he almost reaches for the door, just to make sure there’s something out there,

“ _There’s no risk in being the coward that everyone knows you are_.” ‘Blurryface’ says, indifferently.“ _No one thought you were actually gonna do it anyways. So why come down here if you know you’re gonna chicken out and fuck it all up_? _Why come down here when you know that you can’t do it?_ ”

Tyler brings his arm back towards his body so that he’s no longer reaching for the door, and he sits still. And he tries to think about literally anything else, _Josh’s smile, Jenna’s eyes, Hayley’s singing voice, Patrick's advice, Pete’s laughter_ , but everything just gets jumbled up in his head until nothing feels real.

Maybe he _should_ just get up and leave. Pretend that he told and pretend like everything went fine, and let his friends know when they ask later on that nothing went through, and that their case wasn’t strong enough. That way no one would know just how badly Tyler fucked it all up, that way Tyler could have pretended like he made a difference.

But then his guidance counselor walks in, and she says chirpily as she gets settled down behind her desk, “Sorry for keeping you waiting, honey, things are kinda hectic around here when school ends, but you know how it is.” She takes a deep breath and her frazzled expression automatically transforms one of genuine care. “Anyways- I’m yours for the next 30 minutes, so what do you-- you look kind of cold, do you want me to turn the air off?”

And then Tyler nods, and he takes a deep breath, and he takes out his phone. The recording that Pete sent him is open, and he has pictures on his phone of the bruises, and once he hears the buzzing of the air-conditioner cease, he smiles shyly, even though he feels confident as ever. “I, um, had to talk to you about-

* * *

“- _and you guys are okay, right_?” Tyler asks into his phone, before he looks over to Josh and mouths ‘ _sorry’_ for about the millionth time in the past 15 minutes.

“ _Yeah, I know, but I’d come home and keep you guys company if I didn’t—okay, okay, okay, fine. Just call me if you need me home or if they start—okay, bye_.” And then Tyler presses ‘end call’ and he takes Josh’s free headphone when Josh offers it. “Sorry, they just wanted to know… you know.”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Do you wanna talk about it?” Josh asks, and Tyler shakes his head. “Not really? I don’t know… there’s not much to say. She said she wants me to come in tomorrow with Zack and Maddy and she wants to hear what they have to say, but she looked really concerned, and she looked like she really cared. It was nice.” Tyler says, before he scrunches up his nose a little. “Dude, why do you listen to this?”

“It’s good!” Josh argues, but he turns over his phone to Tyler. “Here, _you_ pick, since your music taste is the best.”

“It is!” Tyler says, through a smile, and he peers down at Josh’s phone, before he stops on a Grouplove song. “It’s a little too late, but Pete doesn’t have the new Grouplove album, right? Because I didn’t really know what to get him, and normally I get Jenna, like, a giftcard to Sephora, but… wait, doesn’t Pete wear eyeliner sometimes? _Fuck_.”

“Yeah, but Pete wears shitty brands because he likes when they smudge and look bad. Like… he doesn’t want good eyeliner that’s waterproof, he likes the stuff that streaks and whatnot. And nah, you’re good. You got Pete an album?” Josh asks, and Tyler’s eyes widen a little, “Wait, was I not supposed to?”

“No, it’s nice! I just put some cash in an envelope and called it a day.” Josh says, shrugging. “But he said he wanted cash anyways because he was saving up to-“ he rolls his eyes here, “-buy lube and condoms without his parents finding out. Y’know, credit card bills and all.”

Tyler’s cheeks turn bright pink. “So… they have sex?”

“I mean, they do _stuff_. Hayley and I never get a break from hearing the very explicit details of-“ and then Josh notices Tyler’s expression. “Wait, shit, no, I didn’t mention it because… I don’t wanna have sex with you!”

Tyler blinks.

“I mean, I do! I do, I totally do, but… _oh my God, I need to stop talking_ , okay, I didn’t… I didn’t mention it to pressure you or anything, it just… you know. _Came out_ … wait…”

“It’s okay,” Tyler says, and he bumps his shoulder with Josh’s. “I know you didn’t, it just kinda took me by surprise. But… I don’t know. I don’t really, um… well, it’s not that I don’t find you hot, I find you _very_ hot… Like super fucking hot…” Tyler trails off, and Josh literally can’t help but grin a little. Hearing Tyler call him hot is… a good feeling. To say the least.

“Anyways, I find you hot, but sex is just… I don’t know. I don’t have any desire to um… like okay, whenever Mark would talk about ‘destroying the pussy game’, I never even… and it’s not even about me being gay, I just don’t… care about sex. At all. Like coming is good, it feels nice, but I mean… I can live without it. I don’t necessarily have any desire to have it, you know? Which I still feel… broken about? I don’t know. I talked to Patrick, he sent me some links to… er, tumblr? Something like that…”

Josh’s brain short-circuits a little just thinking about Tyler orgasming. But they’re having a _serious conversation_ , so he pushes it out of his head for the most part.

“And that’s totally okay, Ty, I don’t… I mean I’m not… but I mean. My hand and I…. hold on.” He takes a deep breath, and he starts over. “Just because we don’t have sex doesn’t mean that what we have isn’t real, you know? Like… I can do, um, _things_ if I ever feel like… yeah, like I’m not… I’m not gonna force you to do anything you don’t wanna do, and I don’t think that just because Pete and Patrick fuck, our relationship is gonna be anything less than that.”

“Are you sure?” Tyler asks, and Josh nods. “Yeah, totally. I mean, they _do_ make sex toys for a rea-“ and then he stops talking and flushes deep red when he hears Tyler laughing next to him.

“Wait, but don’t you use those with someone else?” Tyler asks, and Josh shrugs, “I mean, sometimes, but… I mean, y’know, vibrators and…”

Yeah, his brain is definitely short-circuiting.

And Tyler has this mischievous look on his face, and he pulls Josh a little closer, and he says in a low voice, “Well, maybe one day, I can try one out with you. That way I can still get you off without having to get myself off, right?” and then he gives Josh a totally innocent smile as he opens the gate to Pete’s house.

“Are you coming?” Tyler asks, about halfway up the steps to Pete’s house, because Josh is still standing still, with awe. He’s sort of never seen this side of Tyler before, this playful and teasing side, and he’s sort of already getting hard just thinking about them like that. And then he realizes that he’s probably going to have to greet half of Pete’s family before he finds Pete, so he just tries to think about like. Dead puppies.

“Y-yeah, hold on!” Josh stammers, and he follows Tyler’s lead. There’s some music playing from inside of the house that seeps through open windows, and he can hear Hemingway barking loudly, and the sound of a baby crying.

One of the things Josh will never truly understand is Wentz logic- because Pete’s family will say the worst kind of backhanded comments to Pete’s face, and they’ll constantly berate him for his sexuality and his grades, and for literally anything, yet they’ll throw him a huge birthday party. There’s some blue balloons on the railing up the stairs, and Tyler plays with the ribbon as Josh makes his way to him. He can smell spices from the kitchen, where he’s almost positive Pete’s mom is making some sort of Jamaican food that will _definitely_ burn his mouth.

And when Josh opens the door, he’s greeted by chaos. Pete’s little cousins are running all around the living room, trying to get away from Hemingway, and some of his aunts and uncles are standing around drinking and eating some cocktail food. Pete’s little sister waves ‘hi’ to the both of them, and she screams for Pete to come down and bring them to his room, where he’s presumably hiding out.

It’s totally different than what Tyler’s used to- he’s used to formal birthday parties (not even anymore, though. For his last birthday, he practiced. And he went out to Taco Bell with Jenna, Zack, and Maddy the next day, after church.), and he’s used to everyone calmly talking, and playing soft music, and he’s definitely not used to… dogs chasing around little kids.

And just as Pete makes his way down the stairs, Pete’s mom comes to greet Tyler and Josh. “Josh!” She exclaims, “I haven’t seen you in forever, how are you, dear?” and then she looks over to Tyler, looks away, and does a double take. “Tyler Joseph?” She asks, and she turns to Josh like Josh has answers for her. “You’re here for… _Pete’s_ birthday?”

“I told you he was my friend, Mom!” Pete complains, rolling his eyes as he gets to the last step. “She thought I was lying when I said that we were friends.” He tells Tyler, and he looks over to his mom. “ _See_?”

And she looks like she wants to hit him over the head, but she can’t obviously do that since Tyler and Josh are both standing right there. So she just sighs, “Yes, Peter, I know you told me. And bring this dog outside, it’s-“ “I’ll just bring Hemmy upstairs, he’s not gonna bother anyone.” Pete says, and his mom’s jaw clenches a little, like she’s trying to stop herself from saying something. She turns and gives Josh and Tyler brittle smiles, and says “I hope you boys enjoy yourselves, we have some juice in the cooler over there, and food will be ready in an hour.”

“Pete, he’s trying to kill me!” One of his little cousins screams at Pete, and Pete just picks Hemingway up, and carries him up the stairs, motioning for Josh and Tyler to follow him with his head.

“I’m gonna fucking kill myself.” Pete grumbles under his breath, and he sets Hemingway down on the carpet when he gets to the top of the stairs. And he runs into Pete’s room, but Pete, Tyler, and Josh take their time getting there. “I should know that this is what happens literally every fucking year, but no one can truly prepare for all of… _this.”_

“At least you’ll get a lot of presents?” Tyler asks, and Pete shrugs, as they walk into the room. Patrick’s under the covers on Pete’s bed, reading something in Pete’s lyric notebook, and Jenna and Hayley are mid-conversation. Hayley’s head is in Jenna’s lap, and Jenna’s absentmindedly playing with Hayley’s hair, braiding and then unbraiding different sections.

“Yeah, that’s true. Lots of money to buy lube!” Pete says, and he looks over to Patrick quickly to gauge his reaction. But Patrick just rolls his eyes, and he says playfully, “We get it, you’re a sex addict.”

“Can you blame me? Your dick is fucking perfect.” Pete says happily, and he crawls in next to Patrick under the covers. Josh and Tyler exchange glances, and Patrick’s face pales a little as he says not-so-playfully, “You are fucking deplorable.”

“I love it when you dirty talk.” Pete says to Patrick, before he looks over to Tyler, “And hey, holy shit! How did it go?”

Everyone in the room, besides Josh, stops whatever they were doing, and they all turn their attention to Tyler, and they all start bombarding him with questions, left and right.

And it takes a good 30 minutes or so, but Tyler finally explains everything that happened- he paces around Pete’s room as he talks, going over all of the details ‘ _word by word_ ’ and ‘e _xactly how it happened, Tyler! Exactly. How. It Happened_!. He talks about all of these technical terms that she told him, she talks about filing a police report (that part spikes up his anxiety, and he stumbles over his words a little), and how she wanted Maddy and Zack and maybe even Jay to come in and talk to her about their perspectives, or something, and she said that it would take time, but she said that she was glad that he had talked to her about it.

And Tyler was glad that he talked to her too.

“Wow,” Jenna says, once Tyler finishes his rant. He flops down into Pete’s desk chair, and Hemingway jumps in his lap, and starts licking his face. “That’s so crazy.”

“ _So crazy_.” Pete echoes in a mocking voice, and he laughs when Jenna throws one of Hayley’s hair ties at him. “Shut up! I’m being serious, that’s so crazy! Like… _you did it_ , Tyler.” She says, before she adds quickly “Not that I didn’t think you could do it, it’s just… I’m really happy for you.”

“Yeah, man. We should go to Taco Bell and celebrate.” Pete says, and everyone just sort of glances at him before looking away, like _‘Yeah, we should all totally ditch your birthday party and go out. Totally.’_

“Anyways,” Tyler says, breaking the momentary silence, “I don’t really wanna talk about it anymore, mostly because if we do, I’m going to actually lose my voice.”

“So, what do you guys wanna do?” Hayley asks, and she picks her head up from Jenna’s lap- her hair is matted down on one side, and the other side is a tangled mess. “Maybe we can watch a movie?” Josh suggests, and everyone hums in agreement, before they hear Pete’s mom yell from the bottom of the steps, “Children, dinner is ready!”

“...or we can do that.” 

* * *

About 3 hours later...

(3 hours filled with Jenna spilling food all over her dress and having to change into one of Pete’s sister’s outfits, Josh having to constantly get up for a glass of milk because the food was spicy (‘ _Cut that white people shit out, Josh, it’s not even that spicy_!’ ‘ _Pete, don’t use that kind of language in front of your guests_!’), Patrick accidentally calling Pete ‘babe’ and making a cross over his heart when he realizes that no one else heard it, watching Shrek with all of Pete’s cousins because his parents wouldn’t let them watch a movie without the kids (realistically, all of the adults just wanted their kids off of their backs- luckily, Hayley has two little sisters, so she did all of the entertaining), Tyler falling asleep and one of Pete’s little cousins cousins jumping on his back, and having Hemingway chew up about 8 pairs of high heels later…)

...everyone gets called back upstairs to cut the cake.

And Tyler didn’t realize how much of Pete’s family was actually there, until he came back upstairs; the entire place was packed with people, people who would come up to Pete and pinch his cheeks, and smile at him and ask if Jenna was his girlfriend, and then when Jenna said _‘no’_ , they’d ask if Hayley was his girlfriend, and then Tyler’s suddenly hit with a sense of ‘ _I’ll never have this again_.’

Not that Pete’s family is the best example of something that Tyler would want, because Pete’s family still doesn’t accept the fact that Pete is gay, and they don’t treat him the way he should be treated, but it’s a sense of _family_. It’s the cousins screaming at the top of their lungs when they see Hemingway come their way, it’s the way that Pete’s mom fusses over Pete’s outfit and tells him to change to take pictures, it’s the way that Hayley and Jenna have to talk a little louder to hear each other because everyone is laughing and talking over them. He’ll never hear his dad curse about the fan going and blowing out all of the candles, and he’ll never have to help his mom out turning on the ‘ _God forsaken’_ camera.

And Tyler knows that he just threw away all of his chances at having that ever again.

And what is he gonna have instead- birthdays at his Grandma’s house? Are they even going to celebrate birthdays? Would his Grandma be so disgusted by what Tyler did that she wouldn’t even acknowledge him?

He snaps out of his thoughts when he hears a _thud._ Pete jumps down over the staircase railing and onto the floor, and he walks over to his mom- she’s standing with Patrick, who is fixing her camera. “Is this good?” He asks, with a grin. And he looks fine, _handsome_ even, with some dark jeans, and a black button down, but he’s wearing more eyeliner than everyone in the room put together.

Patrick tries to stifle his laughter, but his mom clenches her jaw (she does this often), and one of Pete’s aunts sighs, “Dale, he’s going to kill you one day.”

“ _You’re ridiculous and I hate you_.” Patrick mouths to Pete, with a playful smile, and Pete scrunches his nose a little, as his mom licks her thumb, cleaning up one of the corners a little, much to Pete’s dismay. But she makes it look a little better, and when he glances in the mirror right behind her head, he smiles a little.

“If I don’t kill him first.” She says to her sister, before she shakes her head at Pete, pushing him in the direction of the dining room table, where the cake is. “Okay, go, before your father has a heart attack.”- she’s talking about the candles on the cake, and how they keep getting blown out.

Tyler doesn’t know why he feels a pang of jealousy hit him- but he feels it deep in his heart.

“Are you okay?” Josh asks softly, and Tyler shrugs, and mouths “ _I don’t know. Don’t want to make a scene_.”, before he moves over the side to let some of Pete’s relatives take pictures. Pete’s cake is simple, a triple chocolate cake with white icing that reads ‘ _Happy 17th Birthday, Pete!_ ’, and 17 green and blue candles all along the side.

Jenna, Hayley, and Patrick sort of gravitate to where Tyler and Josh are, and when everyone (finally) settles down and everyone gets ready to sing ‘Happy Birthday’, Pete looks around. He scans the crowd (which is what it looks like), and he glares a little when he sees his friends huddled together in a corner. “Guys, what the fu-I mean freak, what the _freak_ are you doing, come here!” He shouts at them, and Pete’s brother rolls his eyes a little, “Mom, can we just cut the cake?! I want cake!"

And Hayley, Josh, and Patrick all glance at each other, before they make their way to where Pete is standing- the way it’s sort of set up, Pete is standing behind the table alone, and everyone is facing him, behind where the camera is. But then Hayley, Josh, and Patrick join him, and he looks a little less lonely. But then he looks back over, where Tyler and Jenna still are, and he says a little slowly, “Um… guys? Can you get up here already, the candles are about to melt.”

“Wait, you want us too?” Jenna asks, genuinely bewildered, and she looks over to Tyler, who looks equally confused. Everyone starts talking again, complaining about Pete taking forever, and one of Pete’s cousins goes up to the cake and wipes off some icing from the cake with her finger, before she licks it off, and goes back for some more. Hayley has to lean over to stifle her laughter in Josh’s shoulder.

“We don’t have fucking- _Sorry, I’m sorry_!- we don’t have the _freaking_ time to get sentimental, okay, I love you guys and consider you guys my best friends, but… let’s go! Come on!" 

And it’s weird how feelings can shift within seconds- because not even 2 minutes ago, Tyler thought he’d never feel part of a family again. But now, he’s here, and he’s with his best friends and his boyfriend, and he feels genuinely _happy_. They all sing Pete happy birthday, at a quicker tempo since wax threatens to spill on the cake, and Tyler just can’t stop smiling. Because he’s surrounded by people who love him, both in a platonic sense and in a _romantic_ sense, and he’s never felt more at home than with them- it feels so special, the way that they all cheer when Pete blows out his candles, the tradition of feeding Pete the first slice of cake (Hayley and Josh both smear cake on his face), and Tyler realizes that, yeah, he’ll probably never have that with his immediate family again, but he has it with people who actually give a shit about him, and _wow_. Tyler’s just really fucking happy, and his face hurts a little from how much he’s been smiling, and Josh looks back over to him, “ _You good_?” and Tyler can’t help but say, _“I’m perfect_.”, right before Josh grins at him, picking up some of the icing from Pete’s first slice, drawing a small heart on Tyler’s cheek. “ _I love you._ ”

* * *

“Screw blue,” Hayley says, “pink is _definitely_ your color.”

In retrospect, lying on Pete’s roof probably wasn’t a good idea. But Tyler and Josh had gone out to talk in the backyard, and Patrick disappeared in the bathroom 30 minutes ago with _Pete_ tagging right behind him, so Jenna and Hayley wanted a space of their own, where little kids wouldn’t bother them, and some of Pete’s older guy cousins wouldn’t hit on them. Yeah. It was weird.

Anyways- Jenna was wearing Pete’s sister’s baby pink dress after the dinner fiasco, but she had gotten a little cold, since there was a breeze at night. And of course, the only sweater that his sister could find was a hot pink sweater- hence, pink being Jenna’s color.

“You think?” Jenna asks, playfully, and she leans up a little on her elbows so that she can look at Hayley properly. “Yeah, I think so. But you always look beautiful.” Hayley says, and she leans up, too. They’re underneath the stars, and they’re playing ‘Cosmic Love’ on repeat from Jenna’s phone speakers.

“Thanks,” Jenna smiles, and she leans in a little closer to Hayley, until her lips are on Hayley’s neck. Hayley sighs a little in content, and she lies back down, letting Jenna straddle her. “Maybe next time, we can strip the blue from my hair, and do it pink.” Jenna says against her skin, and Hayley shivers a little. She feels all tingly, and happy, and _Jenna Black is on top of her_.

“Mmm…” Hayley hums, and she giggles a little to herself, “You know, I’ve never done pink before. I always thought it’d look bad on me… like a watered down version of myself, I don’t know. Maybe we can do it together. But that’s sooo gay.” She says jokingly, and she can practically feel Jenna’s eye roll, “ _Good_. I wanna be super gay, and I wanna be super gay with you.”

And then Jenna sort of pulls off of Hayley, and angles herself a little so that she’s sitting in between Hayley’s legs. “I, um… can I tell you something?” Jenna asks, and Hayley’s eyebrows furrow a little, as she sits up on her elbows. “It’s gonna be super lame and cheesey, but I have to say it.” Jenna says. And Hayley likes cheesey, so she motions for Jenna to continue.

“Um,” Jenna says, and she looks up to the sky ( _or to God_ , Hayley thinks in the back of her head), “You changed my life.” Jenna says simply, and Hayley laughs a little. “I didn’t change your life. You changed your life. I didn’t force you to, like, accept anything, and I didn’t make you learn to have an open mind, that was all you.”

“I… I _know_ that. But you changed everything, okay? You know how I was before, it wasn’t even 2 months ago that I…” She trails off, and she sighs sadly. “ _You know._ But then you… you, like, taught me to be a better person, okay? You taught me that I could still be a good Christian and be gay, you taught me to interpret the Bible for myself, and not to blindly follow what everyone has told me my entire life, and you...” She says, breathless, and she surges forward, kissing Hayley with _feeling_.

Hayley legs wrap around Jenna’s waist, and she moans softly in Jenna’s mouth when Jenna bites on her lower lip gently, “I love you, you changed everything for me, and I love you for that, I love you for helping me figure who the fuck I am, for telling me that I’m not broken for loving women too, for everything.” Jenna says, in between breaths, and Hayley rolls them over, on the hard and grainy roof, until she’s on top of Jenna. Their bodies are pressed flush against each other, and suddenly the air feels so hot. “I love you too.” Hayley says, ducking back down to kiss her again, and Jenna feels wetness on her cheek. “I never thought that…” Her voice cracks on the _‘that’_ , and Jenna nods, wiping away a stray tear on Hayley’s face, “ _I know… I know._ ”

“I can’t believe I’m crying in the middle of our make-out session.” Hayley says tearfully, but through a laugh, and she pulls off of Jenna a little, wiping her nose on a sweater that she stole from Pete. “Maybe we should continue that when I’m not afraid of, like, getting snot all over you.”  She suggests, and at the right time too, because she sees Pete and Patrick at the door leading to the roof.

“Are we interrupting anything?” Patrick asks, and Hayley looks over to Jenna, who shakes her head, so Hayley does the same, and says, “Not really, you guys can come out.”, so Patrick swings the door open, and Pete walks out onto the roof with a giddy smile on his face. “I love birthday blowjobs.”

Patrick doesn’t say anything about it, but Hayley can see the slightest blush on his face.

“Thanks for letting us know. _Really_.” Jenna says, and Pete shrugs. “Just in case you guys were wondering where Patrick and I were for the last-” “No one was wondering anything, Pete.” “...okay, but, like, just in case.” 

* * *

It’s an hour or so later, when everyone comes down from the roof to join Tyler and Josh at the table in Pete’s backyard. It’s nearing 11, and Tyler knows he should probably head back home, but then Josh will smile at him, or laugh at something he says, and then Tyler thinks _eh, maybe in 10 minutes._

So that’s the way that they find them- Tyler’s staring at Josh like he’s the sun (but in a good way, not a ‘ _squinting my eyes because the sun is too bright_ ’ way), and Josh is laughing at something Tyler said.

“You guys make me puke.” Pete says as he swings the backdoor open. “But, like, in a cute way. Like, _aww, you guys are so adorable that it physically makes me nauseous._ ”

Josh rolls his eyes, and he opens his mouth to say something, but Hayley says in a mocking voice, “You can’t make fun of him, it’s his _birth-week_ and it’s _homophobic_.”

“No fuckin’ lie.” Pete says, as everyone settles around the table. Jenna brought a couple of glass bottles of soda, and as she passes one around to each of them, she says, sadly, “Patrick and I made a run for the cooler with all of the alcohol, but then Pete’s grandma lectured us for, like, 10 minutes straight.”

“How unholy of you.” Pete snickers, and Josh clears his throat a little, to stop Pete from taking a sip from the bottle, “Wait, I wanna propose a toast before we drink!”

“You?” Hayley asks, mostly because Pete’s the kind of person to do that shit, not Josh. But Josh nods, and he stands up, looks around for a rock, or something, and he taps on his bottle to catch everyone’s attention, even though everyone is already looking at him with tired expressions. “Yo, Josh, hurry the fuck up!” “Hold on! Jesus fucking Christ!”

Jenna opens her mouth to argue with Josh, but then he starts off his toast, “Okay! Well, if no one knows who I am, my name is Josh Dun, boyfriend of-” “Josh! Come on!”

“ _Boyfriend of Tyler.”_ Josh says through gritted teeth as he glares at Patrick, and then he goes back to his relaxed composure. “And I just wanna say… that I love you guys so much… even when you guys are fucking rude and want to interrupt my speech… and I can’t wait to spend senior year with you guys, my best friends in the whole fucking world, and I wanna say that I’m so proud of each and every one of us for getting through this, in Pete’s words, _era_. Um… okay… may we all pass AP Music Theory-” “ _Oh my God, why did we sign up for that class_ -” “may we all get money for when Grouplove comes to Ohio, may Tyler’s case go through, may-” “- _may Harambe’s soul rest in heaven_!” “-Pete learn when to stop divulging sex details to his friends, and finally… may we all remain best friends for the rest of our lives, even if we move to different states... different countries, maybe even different planets, who knows, the truth is out there.” Josh says, before he raises his bottle. “To friendship, I guess?” “To friendship, I guess!” everyone repeats after Josh, and they all take their first sip together.

And even though everyone berates him for his lame speech afterwards, Josh meant every word of it- he’s so fucking thankful for his best friends, for Tyler, and he’s not thankful for all of the shitty things that had to happen for them to get to this point, but he’s so thankful that they all got through it together, in the end.

“Hey,” Tyler says quietly, just as they start walking home, “I really liked your speech. Honestly.” and he gives Josh a soft smile, before he presses a kiss to his cheek.

More than anything, though, Josh is thankful that he can truthfully call his boyfriend his best friend. If the feeling of _just_ calling Tyler his boyfriend didn't give him butterflies, it'd be the way Tyler smiled at him, like he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok im gonna rant & be really emo about this so if u dont wanna read all of my mess- thank you for reading, and i hope you liked it! <33 
> 
> OK SO,,, wow???? im sorry for that really shitty ending??? but anyways this is supposed to be happy not sad so... AAAAAAHH!!! as pete would say, this is truly the end of an era. what started off as an idea became... this whole monster of a fic? it's so crazy to think that i spent most of 2016 writing and thinking about the next chapter, what i wanted to do with it, and how i wanted everything to come out. and a lot of things were left in the dust, and a lot of things were introduced and never finished, and when i started this story i had a TOTALLY different plot! i dont know where im going with this,,, but i guess i want to say that despite my self deprecating, im glad that the story ended this way, im glad that this is what i wrote.im glad that i wrote what i consider a STORY, and i literlaly have you guys to thank?? YOU guys were the ones to inspire me and keep me going, and whenever i wasnt feeling the story you guys left comments and made me feel better, and this story wouldnt be what it was without you guys. like it was someone in the comments who suggested jenna/hayley (where jenna was once supposed to be a straight character) and just idk you guys inspired me and helped me brainstorm and? wow i cant thank u guys enough
> 
> AND i wanna give a HUGE thank you to my best friend lilly AKA the person who this story is gifted to. thanks for always reading my work and giving me that #validation, thanks for always supporting this and helping me with ideas and telling me when my writing needed more work, and thanks for?? HELPING ME COME UP W THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE AND ENCOURAGING ME TO WRITE IT SKJFSKJFDF you're the best person alive and i love you so much man :'(
> 
> and hey this part got deleted?? so imma just say it again- THANK YOU to everyone for reading this story and letting me share this with you :') -uma <33


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